To feel like I should have my DS adopted to give him a better chance

[MistyGlen]

I look at my DS and feel so sorry for him being stuck with me. I’ve never really had a friend, just acquaintances. I get excluded from every group and I’m always left out. At school nobody would speak to me and I was always alone. Struggled to get a job despite good qualifications because employers never hit it off with me. Invited neighbours round but when they had a party they didn’t invite me back. Took up a hobby and a baby group to meet people but never get invited to their meet ups outside of the weekly group. Today found out one of them is having a birthday party and has invited everyone except DS and me.

I really don’t want DS to be rejected and not invited because people don’t like me. I’m obviously not likeable or pleasant to be with, my entire life people have not wanted to spend time with me by choice, but DS is stuck with me. If someone else was his mum he’d be invited. I look at his poor little face and feel like he’s being punished for having me as a mother. And I’m worried that whatever is wrong with me will rub off on him.

Sorry I thought OP was talking about being left of out friendships forming around a baby group so presumed that meant he was still pre-school.

OP, how old is your son?

I have been in care.

If you think your ds will be invited to more parties, think again.

He might not get adopted and will spend a lifetime in the care system wondering why his mother rejected him.

Either move or make your own fun with ds.

Take him to the zoo or the park with a picnic or to an attraction.

What ever you do don't dwell on what other people do or do not do.

I could have wrote this post!! I'm the exact same as you. My dd is nearly 2 and thriving instead of meeting with everyone we just do our own fun things. Meet with family that have kids and go for walks through the park, trampolining and play groups and soft play. We have much more fun!!

Look on the bright side you don't have to share ds. Xxxx

Just grab a jacket and a bottle of water and both go out...enjoying your life your way will be the best lesson for your son. He’ll make his own friends as will you...but the best place to start is with a happy heart...get dressed and go...round a town or a wood...explore and make a point to enjoy whatever the day throws at you. Then start a family tradition...ask your son the three things that made him smile today...then tell him yours...the dog with the curly tail...the moss growing on the wall all plump green velvet...smiling at the lady in the shop...the simpler the better to show him that the small things are important that they deserve to be noticed. Do it every day. Shift your focus

Who's to say his adoptive parents would be any better than you? Pluss trauma and atachment issues are really common in adopted children. Would you want to do that to your child?

@MistyGlen. Pm me where you live. If you are nearby perhaps we could meet up?

Mistyglen

Whereabouts are you? Don't have to be too specific.

Please do NOT have your son adopted.

If he gained the whole world of friends and had his social calendar was packed with parties and engagements galore it would never make up for not being with his mum.

No matter what else is happening, he will always know his mum loves/loved him and that is really one of the most central and important things to know in life. All the other stuff, friends and social life is important but definitely secondary to that.

Your DS needs you so much.

So let’s look at the actual problem which is feeling like you fit in. I agree with those who say focus on doing things you like not on meeting people. Make a list of things you’d like to try eg yoga, walking, crafts, tennis, cooking. Focus on having fun with those. People are attracted to other people who are having fun and focused on their interests.

If people aren’t friendly it honestly isn’t personal 95 percent of the time. It’s that they are just, have enough friends and no time for more.

Maybe think about counselling to help change your thought patterns around friends. It sounds like you have had a tough time and sometimes that can be hard to get out of.

.

Hey OP,
Are there any other shy mums in the year group? You can't be the only one! I know it's hard but if there is approach them. They'll be shy too, so you're both in the same boat.

If that's too daunting maybe ask on a WhatsApp group if there is one for parents and suggest some of the boys go out to the park? Then you get time to prepare and you and DS won't be left out either.

Or just put DS in a club after school. You won't have to be involved but he can still make friends. Once he does, another parent may approach you and suggest taking him out or meeting up.

If he’s school age he’s unlikely to be adopted. Long term Foster care if he’s lucky. Otherwise shunted around back and forth.
I’m still shocked anyone would even consider suggesting that re their own healthy, presumably happy well cared for child, because the mother can’t make friends.

MistyGlen, don’t abandon your DS. Kids love their parents, imperfections and all. If you want your DS to be more popular, find him some activities. If you want to meet more people, get a cute dog if you can manage one, or volunteer or join a group. Above all, stop trying so hard. ‘Games People Play’ by Eric Berne gave me an insight into why friendships need to be built up gradually. If you invite randoms to a free meal, you’re unlikely to get friendship out of it. Hope things start to look up for you.

I don't think having your DS adopted is the solution. It would help if you could work out why people don't warm to you. Have you tried the sort of things that are usually suggested: smiling and listening a lot, giving compliments (eg about appearance, others children), asking questions about others lives/jobs/holidays etc (without it being an interrogation).

Are you maybe trying too hard? If I was invited to a free Christmas meal paid for by someone I didn't know that well, it would feel like someone was trying to "buy" my friendship, which feels quite pressurising to be honest.

These things tend to happen organically. You are doing the right things by going to meet ups - your son is getting social experience right there. I went to lots of those groups and whilst I met people to chat with on the day I never saw those people outside of the group time, and never expected to tbh. Those were baby group friends and in most cases the only things we had in common was a child around the same age.

Do you have any interests or hobbies? Joining online or real groups can give you a peer group of like minded people for yourself. Your son will make friends when he gets to school and quite a few of my friends are parents from school now.

I promise it will get easier. Kids make their own friends later and the parents aren’t hovering about at “play dates”. I know so many people that feel as you do re inviting people and then not making the effort in return. I think you’ve just not met the right people. Be a good listener, not overly opinionated in social settings ( which I’m sure you’re not) and be kind, smile ( I can’t imagine you would be anything other given how lovely you sound) but that’s all you can do and if they don’t like that it’s their loss.

• I said that about being opinionated as that seems to be the main complaint from parents I hear when they avoid some one is that they are full on or overly opinionated

MistyGlen you might be my people, or at least I have been where you are.

The thing is that being lonely and desperate for friends turns people off. I don't know why - perhaps it is the little things like being overly familiar too soon or inviting out before you've had enough time to get to know that person naturally seems out of the natural order of things. Remember that they have to get to know you too before they decide whether to make a commitment of friendship, and being rushed into a position of "good friend" can make someone antsy.

Your son absolutely would not be better off without you. The first rejection he would experience would be yours

In the mean time, think about what you really enjoy in life, join some clubs, enrol on an interesting course, get out and do things on your own, have fun with your son. Look after yourself first and learn to be content with your own company. Remember that not all friends are worth having.

When you relax and immerse yourself in things you enjoy and are truly yourself, that is when you attract like-minded people who are more likely to make good friends.

You poor love I know exactly how you feel my life was the same as a young single mum. No friends. Had to work full time. I have no idea why this was because I'm 57 now and have loads of friends and I'm busy all the time.
Don't be put off join everything, try and arrange play dates, let your son join beavers etc keep the activity going. You will eventually make some friends. Remember smile and think of some interesting things to say beforehand and you'll eventually get there.

Nothing is wrong with you. I've moved to a new area and really struggled to make new friends, I'd usually be sat alone at baby groups whilst everyone else seemed to have friends to chat to. It's hard! But your ds loves you, you are his whole world and no amount of playdates or going to parties could ever be more important than having his mum. Being adopted would bring about so many problems for him, he would miss you so much. The fact that you care so deeply shows that you are a brilliant mum

There's a local parent page on my facebook and people are always saying they need people to go on playdates with. Have you got anything like that?

You probably aren't unlikeable, please don't think that, very few people are if they are generally good people and you obviously are - however you may lack a few social skills.
Maybe conversation doesn't ebb and flo with you. Probably a vicious circle from your childhood years or a self fulfilling prophecy because you are so conscious of what you say and how you behave. Maybe you aren't picking up social cues. Maybe you aren't good at reading body language. But all this still doesn't mean you are unlikeable, just that people may prefer spending time with others. You are probably liked but "forgotten".

So maybe there are books out there on social skills? Perhaps it might be worth reading a few. Maybe classes somewhere in the country? All maybe worth investigating as you sound very lonely. Or maybe you just need to relax as you might be coming across as very uptight or needy - because of your childhood experiences.

As for your son. You sound a lovely caring mum and you love him loads. That's all he needs. You will be there to help him with life struggles and anyway it won't be long before he'll not be relying on you for a social life. You will just need to facilitate the play dates. If you are worried about scaring the parents off, just wait till they are old enough to come alone.

One tip I think might be useful is to encourage football. That is a great bonding sport for kids. Don't force him though if it's not for him.

Good luck. Your post sounds so sad.

Op, hugs. I feel exactly like you. I was rejected all my life. I feel my parents and my husband too don’t like me. I’ve accepted it as I am what I am. I feel my lonliness is rubbing on to my children though. My DD was excluded in primary and had a lot of friendship issues. I am doing a lot of work with her these days coaching her to believe in herself and enjoy the company of people when it’s there. When it’s not there, I’m encouraging her to read and make friends with books. She has our two dogs for friends anyway.
You need to carefully filter people before you start having expectations of “friendships”. You need to weed out people that are not your type. It’ll take a few months, but you will find someone with your wavelength.
Although I’m not religious, I have experienced a lot of warmth from people in church groups.

Op you’ve had a lot of good advice on here . You sound like you have very low self-esteem, perhaps going for therapy might help explore as to why you feel rejected etc.?

I agree with other posters, you will need to make your own fun, plan days/meals with your son. If he’s at a school age then he might look to cook/bake with you. You can go out to picnics, museums etc. Just plan fun days out together? I’m not sure you live, but you can do a quick google and find free things to do with or without your son. The other day, I sent my sister an article that a list of over a hundred free things to do in London. I’m sure if you can google things in your local area or if you’re willing to commute, you can also find things to go within commuting distance.

Plus, if you have family members who live close by, who also have kids the same age, then you can organize playdates or some fun family days out.

Sorry if I missed it, but what about your DP? Maybe he can take care of your son on some days when you can join a club or do an activity that you enjoy? You might make friends when you’re doing a shared activity with others etc.

Also don't aim for the social butterfly type women. Look and see if there are other women standing alone in the playground etc. Don't jump in with invites too early as that is off putting. Build up a casual relationship first just exchanging pleasantries, then later on maybe suggest a quick coffee or something. Keep it short and casual at first with no expectations.