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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To feel like I should have my DS adopted to give him a better chance

150 replies

MistyGlen · 14/09/2019 09:46

I look at my DS and feel so sorry for him being stuck with me. I’ve never really had a friend, just acquaintances. I get excluded from every group and I’m always left out. At school nobody would speak to me and I was always alone. Struggled to get a job despite good qualifications because employers never hit it off with me. Invited neighbours round but when they had a party they didn’t invite me back. Took up a hobby and a baby group to meet people but never get invited to their meet ups outside of the weekly group. Today found out one of them is having a birthday party and has invited everyone except DS and me.

I really don’t want DS to be rejected and not invited because people don’t like me. I’m obviously not likeable or pleasant to be with, my entire life people have not wanted to spend time with me by choice, but DS is stuck with me. If someone else was his mum he’d be invited. I look at his poor little face and feel like he’s being punished for having me as a mother. And I’m worried that whatever is wrong with me will rub off on him.

OP posts:

Clem90 · 15/09/2019 09:02

Copied from parenting thread.
@MistyGlen
Mine is the same age and we play together all the time. We read lots of books. We roll balls. I ask him to find a specific toy or colour so he learns the words. I chase him. I push him round the room on his trike. We play in the sink with spoons and cups. We dig in the garden. I don’t get a moment’s peace. Sorry but it sounds a bit neglectful just to watch tv and ignore your child. Surely there’s not much you can watch on tv that’s suitable for a 17mo to see anyway?

Maybe start being nice to people online and don’t judge and use words like neglectful?

rubyroot · 15/09/2019 16:24

Oh gosh, I actually felt sorry for you. But, now I realise why you have no friends! Because you're a sanctimonious arsehole. I suggest you take a look at yourself, see if you can work on some self improvements and then people may start to like you

123chocolate · 15/09/2019 16:59

You sound unstable.

AngryFeminist · 15/09/2019 17:04

@MistyGlen I was very similar when DS was that age - I had bad bad PND (which it sounds like maybe you do too?) and a history of being socially excluded. I was also poor, youngish mum for my area and had different interests etc. to the other mums I met. I made an effort but it always felt lime they all were working from a script that I hadn't received. Once I went back to work and DS went to nursery at 3 it was a gamechanger - he's made friends there and the nursery got us to make a parents' whatsapp basically just to arrange playdates. Birthdays are all class affairs so no one is excluded. As others have said, once they start to make friends it all gets better - even parents I don't gel with, as long as they're not actively nasty having a coffee while the kids play or taking turns to drop amd run is so much easier than the awkward-ass nct group shit

AloeVeraLynn · 15/09/2019 17:13

Are there other things going on for your OP? It's very extreme to go from not being invited to things to feeling like you may as well have had your son adopted. He is one. I was expecting you to say he was 6 or 7. What might the other mums perspective be? If it's a long term pattern throughout your life, perhaps reassess how you approach people. Sometimes being a bit pushy can have the opposite effect.

Jinxed2 · 15/09/2019 17:18

Please don’t despair. I’ve made my best friends at the school gates xxx One is literally like a sister to me, and she is 15 years older than me. I find I get on much better with women who are older than me.

rubyroot · 15/09/2019 17:35

Yes there is more going on! The op is not the victim she is making herself out to be. The op is on another thread where a poster asked for advice because her 18 month plays alone and doesn't really want to play with her. So the op responded

Here's the op.

12/09/2019 14:08sadlycindy

My DS 17 months will entertain himself for hours playing with his toys. He doesn't try to get my attention, unless he wants to read a book. So I tend to just leave him to it and do my own thing, whether that's watch tv, get some work done or use my phone.

I have tried playing building towers before, but he's not really interested, he prefers just throwing the bricks everywhere. I also play stacking rings with him but he loses interest after not too long. I asked my friends today if they play with their children and they said they do, all day!

Now I feel like a bad parent. I don't know how to play with him, what kind of things can I do with him?

Yesterday 00:07MistyGlen

Mine is the same age and we play together all the time. We read lots of books. We roll balls. I ask him to find a specific toy or colour so he learns the words. I chase him. I push him round the room on his trike. We play in the sink with spoons and cups. We dig in the garden. I don’t get a moment’s peace. Sorry but it sounds a bit neglectful just to watch tv and ignore your child. Surely there’s not much you can watch on tv that’s suitable for a 17mo to see anyway?

Here's a posters response:

@MistyGlen hmm what do you watch on tv that’s not suitable for a 17 month old?! I’m sure you’re enjoying your perfect parenting at the moment but there will come a time when you wish your child could occupy themselves for a few minutes - as lovely and Instagram worthy as your mud digging child sounds, it’s certainly not neglectful to not play with them constantly

Yesterday 08:16sadlycindy

I don't know why I ask for advice when people like @MistyGlen come on and accuse me of being neglectful. How dare you! Please stay off my thread, I don't need any comments from judgmental people such as yourself

Yesterday 21:42MistyGlen

MistyGlen hmm what do you watch on tv that’s not suitable for a 17 month old?
Anything that’s not a U rating. Which is pretty much everything.

I don't need any comments from judgmental people such as yourself

You said in your OP that you feel like you’re a bad parent. I just agreed with you.

So as you can see the melodramatic poster who says she needs to have her child adopted is now saying she's the perfect parent and in fact other people are bad parents. Go figure. But, please no more sympathy. Would you want to be friends with someone as judgy as this?!

Henhophouse · 15/09/2019 17:39

If OP’s comments on the other thread are anything to go by maybe the reason she hasn’t got any friends in real life is because she keeps offering her opinions to them and they don’t like it.

horseridingaddict · 15/09/2019 17:47

This made me cry!
You are his world don't ever think otherwise!

RainbowAlicorn · 15/09/2019 17:51

I have had that rejection, I was lucky enough to be friendly with other kids, but all of them dropped me when someone better came along. Even now as an adult out of all the people I tried to befriend or actually managed to befriend there are only 3 who still have anything to do with me. A lot of the time I dont get invited to things, even by family and I still don't understand your thinking.
You wont be sparing him anything by putting him up for adoption, the likelihood is he will feel rejected by you, the one person who is supposed to be there and love him.
You might be doing or saying the right things but what is your body language saying? It could be your body language that is betraying you.
The first thing you do is go and talk to your GP and try and get some counselling, doing that you will be able to get your head in a better place and see truly whether it is you or the people you are talking to and figure out a way to change whatever it is. If it is body language you will be able to change it, if it is the type of people you are trying to befriend you can start to expand your search. Your people are out there, sort your head out and keep looking.

Jinxed2 · 15/09/2019 17:57

I think perhaps the OP struggles socially reading the update.

Adviceorhelp · 15/09/2019 18:01

Don’t be so harsh to op. Online persona is just that. We don’t know how anyone really feels. Digging up previous posts and judging her for being judgy is mean I think.

rubyroot · 15/09/2019 18:06

@Adviceorhelp not a previous post, but posted a day after posting this requiring sympathy from posters. Then she goes and calls someone neglectful for not playing with her child 24/7 and then later says to op that she agrees she is a bad parent!!

NoSquirrels · 15/09/2019 18:08

If he had a different mum he’d be going to the party. I feel so desperately sorry for him because my lifelong lack of likeability is already negatively affecting him.

He’s one. He’s a baby. He doesn’t need the party and it’s not negatively affecting him.

It’s triggered uncomfortable feelings in you, though, which is the main point.

Just keep showing up, keep looking for connection, try not to take it personally and love your DS.

IWentAwayIStayedAway · 15/09/2019 18:26

Are you sure the mum hasnt invited you and invite is in junk mail. You've nothing to lose by asking her why you weren't invited. But they all sound horrible. You just havent found your people! Where are you. If you're in ireland I'll meet up with you

TwoRedShoes · 15/09/2019 20:05

This reply has been withdrawn

The OP has privacy concerns and so we've agreed to take this down.

firesong · 15/09/2019 20:18

Aw, misty. So sad reading this. If you don't want to share where you live, just pm those of us who have asked. I have a bit of free time with my two year old and could meet up. I do have friends but always prefer people one on one, groups can be terrible!

stucknoue · 15/09/2019 20:22

Not everyone has lots of friends, not everyone has an amazing social life. I certainly do not, please be assured that you will find people at some point, just it's hit and miss. Please do not despair

Whitejasmine · 15/09/2019 20:31

Im sorry OP hut a lot of people are paying you lip service on here and i dont think this will help you in the long run. Im not trying to be mean but this is my honest opinion.
To consided putting your 1yr old child up for adoption because u struggle to make friends and havent been invited to a birthday party is not a normal reaction.
Buying tickets for an xmas meal for random people smacks of desperation. People can sense this and its very off-putting. It does sounds like you have some kind of unawareness of normal social interactions. If you feel this has been prevalent your whole life maybe it is some kind of undiagnosed autism. I do feel for you but you need to pull your socks up and stop feeling sorry for yourself for your sons sake.
It is not your lack of friends that will affect your son throughout his life - it's your negative, victim-mentality attitude. I hope you can find a way to just chill out and stop trying so hard. He's one fgs! Enjoy him while he's little. Go to mother and baby groups etc and have a chat but dont expect anything more. Good luck!

Verily1 · 15/09/2019 20:33

You sound depressed and possible autistic.

Icecreamsoda99 · 15/09/2019 21:47

People posting about OP's comments on other threads - judgemental people can have low self esteem and can be just as harsh on themselves as they are on others (if not more so).

Clem90 · 15/09/2019 21:59

Icecreamsoda99 agree but the OP point on the parenting thread is about how great she is entertaining her son at all times. Which all does sound fun to be fair!

Icecreamsoda99 · 15/09/2019 22:06

@Clem90 I know and it was bang out of order to call another parent neglectful, but I just mean that I still think she deserves sympathy as she seems to be deeply unhappy

Okurrrrrrrr · 15/09/2019 23:14

Interesting @rubyroot

Also, this:

I do feel for you but you need to pull your socks up and stop feeling sorry for yourself for your sons sake.
It is not your lack of friends that will affect your son throughout his life - it's your negative, victim-mentality attitude

SmellbowSpaceBowl · 18/09/2019 21:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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