To feel like I should have my DS adopted to give him a better chance

[MistyGlen]

I look at my DS and feel so sorry for him being stuck with me. I’ve never really had a friend, just acquaintances. I get excluded from every group and I’m always left out. At school nobody would speak to me and I was always alone. Struggled to get a job despite good qualifications because employers never hit it off with me. Invited neighbours round but when they had a party they didn’t invite me back. Took up a hobby and a baby group to meet people but never get invited to their meet ups outside of the weekly group. Today found out one of them is having a birthday party and has invited everyone except DS and me.

I really don’t want DS to be rejected and not invited because people don’t like me. I’m obviously not likeable or pleasant to be with, my entire life people have not wanted to spend time with me by choice, but DS is stuck with me. If someone else was his mum he’d be invited. I look at his poor little face and feel like he’s being punished for having me as a mother. And I’m worried that whatever is wrong with me will rub off on him.

I’m in Surrey if your nearby.

I can find it hard to fit in sometimes, I suspect I might have ASD some days, but I do have close friends outside of my mum duties. To make friends with the school mums I have been a class rep. Then everyone knows me. But mostly I don’t go out and look for new friends or expect them. That way I’m more relaxed, get less stressed and feel happier in my own skin.

But mostly I focus on having fun with my kids, try to throw myself into “me and the kids” when we go out. Then I don’t notice the groups of mums chatting as I’m not out to talk to friends, im there solely to be with my kids. It’s a Change of mindset at first but now it’s just how I feel. I have my friends via work and hobbies etc. They hobby friends I only see in my hobby, but that’s still friendship. My close friends I have had for many years, that close lasting friendship is harder to find so I nurture what I have already

@Nanny0gg - I'm surprised at your post. I think there has been a lot of empathy, general advice, suggestions at things that might be going on behind the surface, and people sharing their own experiences to show the OP that she isn't alone and lots of people have been through similar...

Come back soon @MistyGlen because there's quite a few people on here asking questions to get to know you better

"It's really hard to make friends when you've got kids. I read a paper that found women are at the most friendless of their entire lives when their youngest child is 3. There are a lot of mums in the same position as you."

I'm really surprised by this. I think parents have networks and opportunities that the childless don't have. Once you're over 30, if you're single and childless it's difficult to fit into any groups and parents like to socialise with other parents. I remember telling the minister at a church I started going to that I could see the young people joining the youth group and the parents hanging around together, but if you were single and childless...
I also think if you move to a new place as a parent you'll get to know local people via the school.

You'll meet your people eventually I do it us hard but from your post you are courageous determined kind caring and a good mother, don't judge yourself on others.
Where do you live I am not asking your actually address, maybe there are Mnetters near.
I know it is hard OP as you get older you care less for others, your DS will be your rock, dust yourself off for him.

Rejection hurts but losing your child to adoption hurts significantly more. You can work on getting friends but, you would never be able to have your son back. Unless he comes and finds you which he may not do.

Trust me I know.

@PapayaCoconut you don't have to be rude. You can be enthusiastically, unashamedly yourself. You can put yourself first and stand up for yourself politely and firmly. It isn't rude to do that for yourself, and you totally deserve it

Ah sweetheart I'm sorry you feel this way. Firstly, I'll echo what PP have said, your son isnt better off with anyone. Your love for him shines through, and that's what he needs right now.
Secondly, the first few years of a childs life are centred round the care giver and the love you give them. They arent capable of really understanding or making friendships till their two. You can take them to groups to help them be comfortable around other children, but that's it. Me and DS went to a few baby groups, butbthey were so cliquey I stopped going. The mothers just werent my type of people. Since hes startsd nursery there is one or two mums I am gravitating towards.

And thirdly it takes very special type of spite to exclude one child over everyone else because of the feelings for the mother. In this case, I can 100% say it is NOT your problem.

Sending you . Rant away if that's what you need, were all here for you xx

Plus there is a stigma to being a birth parent regardless of the reason your child was adopted.

I would try to access counselling. Go to groups when your boy is at school.

How old is your son OP?
I really think you need to see your GP, as it does sound as if you are depressed, and CBT for example might help.
Your son is not "stuck" with you. You are the best Mum he could have. Yes it can be hurtful to be left out "again", but obviously they aren't really very nice people. Get out into the sunshine and have fun with your son. Love him with all the love you have to give - and that is far better than a lot of children get (even ones with "popular" parents).

Till their three* damn typos! Xx

@PonteLaCorona

I know and other people seem to manage it just fine, I just don't trust always trust my own judgement about where the line is! I do try to teach my children to value themselves, though. So I need to be able to do it myself.

Misty Glen! You arent the only one in the wrld several I know are like you and i have very very few real friends, most ar eupo the other end of the country!, and tell you what I lke it like that my ex wife was rather like you too she hardely had any supposed freinds she did have like i have a lot of friends who are always on the cadge for something but really don't beat yourself up over it some aren't, nay a lot arent, that worth knowing anyway!.

As to your boy did someone say put him up for adoption when he has a good mum?, do not do this he will make his own friends one way or the other, when he wants to.

I maight suggest speaking to perhaps a counsellor maybe might make you feel better about yourself no harm in trying?

OP I'm the same. Hoping you live around here and we bump into each other on the school run next week!

I'm constantly thinking my boys would secretly love a different mother. I was abused for a long time as a little girl and told no one would ever love me by someone who should have protected me and loved me. I was told I was stupid and I'd never achieve anything, and this created a self fullfilling prophecy. I know other abused kids power on and have amazing careers and lovely, supportive husbands/wives but not all of us.

I don't want my boys to be adopted. But I feel selfish having them and not being able to give them a decent life. My son has swimming lessons and every time the fee date comes around I don't have the money and am having to borrow it and scrape the cash together to pay it back. I owe my parents thousands it's absolutely ridiculous. I'm going to have to cancel them and it just makes me so angry and full of hate at myself. I'm trying to get back to university and get myself qualified, but because I'm in my 30's and a LP, and not a fresh 19/20 year old I either get ignored of fobbed off.

Sorry not to give help and advice & just moan back!... but it does help to know there are more of us out there doesn't it?... sort of!

I’m glad someone mention the autistic spectrum as it came to my mind too as you remind me of a lovely friend who has a similarly hard time. I have never spoken to her about it but once looked up aspergers (I know it’s no longer called that ) and it described her so well I found it helpful .

@SimonJT

It saddened me to read your post. What a judgemental cow. I don’t know your background but I assume your little boy is adopted or his mum has left or died, any of those circumstances should make other parents feel a bit more protective towards your little boy and a bit more accepting of any social mishaps, given his traumatic start in life.

I could have written your post OP. I feel exactly the same. I dont understand why no one is interested in me and my boys. I do know that your son is better off with you 100%. You clearly love him. How old is he?

I wish you were all near me as I know I would love you! It’s so sad for anyone to feel like this.

OP joining activity groups and having hobbies does not necessarily lead to friendships (and it is hard to commit to these things week in week out as a parent as things come along IMHO). I think a lot of this depends on where you are in your life, what people's values and attitudes are and if they chime with your own. it can be as simple as being in a slightly different set, or different ages or having different experiences - just having the 'mum' thing in common is often not enough to form lasting friendships.

OP best advice I can give you is just keep trying, be friendly, keep up the playdates, invite other people for coffee - but keep it low key - no more pressure like Xmas meals - in the nicest possible way this can come across as needy. I've found my few best friends in the most roundabout ways ...

I always struggled to make friends, knew lots of people but never had any proper friends. Now at 53 I am going through being diagnosed with Autism, it has taken a long time but I am finally getting some answers, I am not the awful person I thought I was, just different to most people.

OP, if you feel like it, please DM me and some of the others who have suggested it. It might help to chat x

I do also agree that being yourself without actively looking for friendship can sometimes help, ironically. I think it might be something about the confidence of being happy in your own skin and happy in your own company that attracts others.

I would also focus on you and your DS being happy with who you are, what you enjoy doing and enjoy being together. Give him the confidence to be himself, happy to join an activity with others, happy to be on his own.

Good luck OP.

Where abouts are you @Mistyglen ? Going by your username you might be in my neck of the woods. Always happy to chat. DM me if you like.

I feel the exact same! I'm Cambridgeshire way if your near!,I have no friends here at all :(feel free to pm if your near or need a chat!xx