To feel like I should have my DS adopted to give him a better chance

[MistyGlen]

I look at my DS and feel so sorry for him being stuck with me. I’ve never really had a friend, just acquaintances. I get excluded from every group and I’m always left out. At school nobody would speak to me and I was always alone. Struggled to get a job despite good qualifications because employers never hit it off with me. Invited neighbours round but when they had a party they didn’t invite me back. Took up a hobby and a baby group to meet people but never get invited to their meet ups outside of the weekly group. Today found out one of them is having a birthday party and has invited everyone except DS and me.

I really don’t want DS to be rejected and not invited because people don’t like me. I’m obviously not likeable or pleasant to be with, my entire life people have not wanted to spend time with me by choice, but DS is stuck with me. If someone else was his mum he’d be invited. I look at his poor little face and feel like he’s being punished for having me as a mother. And I’m worried that whatever is wrong with me will rub off on him.

I was always on the periphery as a child. For a while in secondary I had a girl, who decided I was her best friend. Then she dropped me when a preferred alternative arrived. I was devastated. I ended up hanging with a girl I didn’t particularly respect or like... well beyond going out and getting pissed together. Probably because I didn’t respect, like or love myself. I also continued to feel like the outsider during A levels and university. I made one good friend. She was nice but the oddity. Not me at all. We lost touch.

I have had a lot of therapy and am much less of a people pleaser and much less needy now. My dd is lovely and has loads of friends. I definitely helped to make this happen. Dd was dropped by all her friends in yr1. I got her very busy at a variety of after school/weekend clubs.

Your ds will make friends but at times he will be rejected by kids. It’s inevitable. Don’t be another someone, who rejects him. As the most important person in his life he will find rejection very hard to deal with and possibly make him less likely to find friends. Instead help create a large circle of friends for him. He won’t necessarily be friends with them all his life. But it will help him to know how to befriend people and create his own boundaries.

When dd was going through the turmoil in yr1 I was talking to another school mum. She said she struggled and didn’t have any friends at school. I agreed. And said in a 5 yo voice. “I’ll be your friend”. We are now friends. Dd is yr7.

Be kind to yourself.

@NeedSomeTimeInTheSunshiiine

Yes there have, and that's when MN works. Some people don't use AIBU as a bear pit.

But there's been some truly horrible ones too.

I just didn't name names.

I hated the primary school years, I didn’t really click with any of the other parents, hated school pick up time and drop off. It’s pretty lonely but it does get easier as they get older (and when they leave primary). I don’t have many friends, maybe one or two but spend a lot of time on my own and enjoy my own company, my dc’s have a few friends and I have nothing to do with their parents. I have hobbies which I do alone. I know a lot of people but rarely go out with them.

Isn't there a local MN? Maybe worth posting on there, I sure there are others in the same boat that would be happy to meet up.

Good advice in posts above about not jumping in too early with coffee invites, lunches etc - be friendly and polite with acquaintance is a good starting point to build up casual friendships and go on from there.

@mistyglen if you miss it please read @bionicnemonic post - to be grateful for something everyday, something simple and even on the hardest days, is good strategy for dealing with life.

Your boy is already lucky in that he has a caring mother who's thinking about him.

Doing the Myers Briggs personality tests and realising why I behave as I do has been life changing for me and also very useful in a work context. It's made me realise what I'm good at and what will never work for me.I really did not do the school mum, playground chit chat thing well and if I'd relied on that sort of environment to gauge my self worth I'd have felt exactly like you.

Not being invited to a birthday party and such isn't Automatically being rejected unless the parents are really that selfish, I invite children my dd's want to invite no matter how I feel about the parents or the child for that matter I set a number on children and let them decide I thought most people do this,
as for the groups and play dates maybe your coming on to strong or maybe people are too busy I feel awful as dd5 has a friend in school who she has said to me numerous times last year she would like her to come over ours to play but we have never been able to set a playdate yet due to timing not suiting one of us dd5 has had plenty of other friends over for play dates the child has managed to come to dd5's birthday party and a Halloween party but no play date and they are really close her mother has a very time consuming job but I hope this year we can manage it I certainly don't take it as rejection, as for friends for you, you will find them when you least expect it all my closet friendships I meet them when I least expected it so please stop being so hard on yourself 💐

@Streamside

Myers Briggs was a revelation to me. I understand myself much better and know my strengths and weaknesses. I don’t feel the pressure to feel bad about not being an extrovert or good at extrovert type things.

You will make such an amazing life for this little boy, he is so lucky to have you.

It’s hard to make friends and socialise. It sounds like you are trying really hard - but it takes time to find your tribe.

You are settling a great example for him. Keep trying, friends will come along,

I’m not an overly social person, i have drifted between friends d groups my whole life. I am good at superficial friendships, but struggle with close ones. I am old enough now to accept that and enjoy people’s company on occasional nights out. You will be absolutely fine, and so will you pr little boy,

I don't think you're being serious about putting him in care. The best place for him is with you, he loves you and you love him. He's your son.
I think you've said it out of desperation about the way you're feeling.
I have felt left out at times and as though I never fitted in anywhere.
If you have made the effort to be friendly to people and they are still rejecting you, fuck them.

OP I'm sorry you're feeling so low.

I take it DS's dad isn't around or involved?

Do you have a sister or a cousin or aunt you could ask for absolute honest feedback on why they think you might be putting people off?

All of my lasting friendships have been made through work.2You haven't found your tribe" is certainly true. A few years ago I worked for a massive company and was sent on some sort of woolly course, which was essential for all managers at my grade. The trainer played a video which filled me with rage because it was so patronising. Most of the other attendees were doing the whole "OMG I'm so emosh, flap hands at eyebrows" thing.

6hrs later I'm in a conference room discussing Erlang C and I'm like "YES I HAVE FOUND MY PEOPLE"

I agree with the suggestion to ask about ASD assessment. You sound like me. I've given people compliments for them to look at me like I slapped them. I've been generous and tried to be outgoing only for people to visibly avoid me. I seem to have the gift of realizing about a decade later what I did wrong in a social situation (for an example, I told a shop keeper that I liked her shop because no-one else ever seemed to come in, and it was dark and small. Very good things to me but of course I must have sounded rude and obnoxious.)

Even if you don't have an ASD condition - or if your GP refuses to let you be assessed - don't worry. Keep trying. Keep inviting people for playdates, even if they're only at your invitation, it's a friend for him to play with. And once school starts he'll make his own friendships. (By the way if he struggles with socializing and communication at school, definitely ask your GP about an assessment for him. Assessment for children isn't usually denied.)

The thing he needs above anything else though is his Mum. Remember that.

If anyone does suspect they may have ASD - then its worth looking at the NAS and seeing if there is a local group to you which has meet ups (for adults or parents with ASD). You don't need a diagnosis to use them, and they can help through the diagnostic process.

Where's your partner?
He works long hours and tbh he doesn’t really have any friends either. He plays an instrument so he has friends who he rehearses with. No other friends though.

OP, how old is your son?
He’s one.

It’s that they are just, have enough friends and no time for more
Everyone seems to have at least some friends. Except me. And being excluded isn’t a one off, it’s a lifelong pattern. I don’t see why it’s extra work to include me in a group - if 10 are going out how’s it more time consuming for 11 to go?

Your son absolutely would not be better off without you
I know. Realistically I won’t abandon him. I just feel so sad because I’m worried he’s already being excluded like I’ve been.

I was a person who was always excluded. Not many friends as a child, always considered a bit weird (to be honest, I AM a bit odd) and very often excluded or forgotten. I've worked hard at how I present myself and interact with others, learning to bounce off other people and fit in with their interactions, as well as working on my general small talk which was my weakness and where I tended to come across strangely. It's got to the point where I feel much more natural around all groups of people and am able to fit in without it seeming so difficult. It is entirely possible to fake it until you make it.

You speak a lot about how people perceive you, but how do you feel around other people? Do you get a sense that you're struggling to converse with them or find common ground? Do you feel awkward or quiet/shy? Do you feel like conversation flows at the time or not? The answers to these can help you if you really want to change how you come across.

@MistyGlen, what area do you live in? I’m quite a quiet person, tend to not get invited anywhere either, and I do struggle socially. Your son needs you, don’t ever think otherwise.

Your DS is ONE?! And you’ve been excluded from a birthday party of a baby group member who invited every single other baby group attendee apart from you? Really?

Yes. At that age it’s not really a party for the kids, it’s more for the parents. The kids don’t really have any personality yet - invites are dished out based on which mums the birthday mum likes. So the lack of an invite is my fault, not DS’s. If he had a different mum he’d be going to the party. I feel so desperately sorry for him because my lifelong lack of likeability is already negatively affecting him.

OP I don’t have friends though for me that’s mostly through choice. I’m not a particularly chatty person and if I can avoid interaction with others then I will. My son however is completely different to me. He’s not shy, he has a motormouth and loves playing with all different children. All your child needs is love and support, kids are so much more resilient than we realise. A lot of the time, our insecurities are things that never even cross their minds!

It sounds like you need to stop trying. Just relax and be yourself. Engage in things you enjoy instead of trying to cultivate friendships at baby groups before you really know the women properly.

OP. I really believe that you can do this. You can find friends. There are people out there who will value you

Please leave this thread for now and do something that you enjoy and that makes you happy. Then when your mood is not so low, come back to the thread and read it again picking up on the things that will work for you and can help you in that aim of making friends. There are lots of good ideas. There are also lots of people who feel the same as you and lots of offers to meet up.
You are not alone

OP, my heart goes out to you. If it is any consolation, it can be isolating to have a one year old. They restrict your freedom of movement, they can't really talk yet, and not that many people want to hang out with people and their babies. And as far as making mother friends, there's no reason why you'd have that much in common with other women just because you both had babies. I felt pretty lonely when I had a one year old, and I'm sure many people do. It gets better.

Having said that, it is clear that you want to make a change in your life that will improve your son's life. I am sure you understand that giving up your child is probably not going to help him. So if you are unhappy with some aspect of your life, you can work to change it. There are tools available to you, such as therapy, that can help you to modulate your behavior, presentation, or challenge your negative self-beliefs. Don't give up on being your child's mother. Become the mother you want him to have.