Aibu to ask why it’s ok to make these comments?

[YDraig]

I’ve had a few, particularly since having DD. I’ve always been fairly slim (but not skinny) I am also just under 5’2. So if I was a size 16+ I’d probably be rather unhealthy.

For further reference I am a size 10, was a size 8 prior to having my dd.
Comments such as
“God, how are you SO SKINNY?”
“You should eat more!” Are commonplace. I’ve also had the rather unhurtful and untrue “ah well some men like more meat only dogs go for bones.” Aimed at me, I say untrue because rightly or wrongly my bones do not stick out

“Do you want some of my food?” - complete with a head tilt and raised brow.
And referring to me “She is such a skinny thing, I wonder how she managed to give birth without snapping”
I’ve just finished a night shift with three others who spent part of the shift making comments about my size, may be relevant but they’re all plus sized. I’ve never made a comment as I’d consider it rude and unkind.
Aibu to think it’s not ok to comment on someone’s body size either way and if it is ok, why?

I definitely sweat more since I put weight on. I don't smell but it does get uncomfortable in a heatwave. Also feel the heat more although I never liked it. I never feel cold or hungry as I did when I was very slim. Nobody comments on my size as I am old so have become invisible! It is very rude to comment on a person's size whatever it is.

@Somersetlady you should probably plan ahead then and look into treatments for excessive sweating because you’re most likely going to gain back what you lost and then some- almost everyone does. Can’t argue with science!

No she won't put the weight back on. People who don't go back to shovelling food down their throats and eat a balanced diet tend not to. As for the science, I don't think Linda Bacon, Virgie Tovar, Regan Regan Chastain, Your Fat Friend, and all the other fat activists are scientists.

I'd rather stick with people like Dr Now.

YANBU. It's never ok to comment negatively on someones appearance.

This is bullying, plain and simple. It comes from the insecurities of others. Hard as it may seem, if you don't stand up to these people the comments will continue. Be strong!

What I've always found difficult to comprehend is not only that people think it's ok to comment negatively if you're slim (as I am), but how often they do it as the very first thing they ever say to you in person. Many times I've met someone with whom I've previously had telephone or email contact in business and the first thing they say when they meet me is a comment on what I look like. Almost always other women, almost always women who are overweight.

I can only think that they have no filter - think what you like, but don't say it out loud, and don't, as one woman did, shout it across the room as she came towards me to greet me at a conference. Up to that pint we'd got on very well by phone, but it was very difficult to have her shriek at me that she "might have known you'd be skinny, I'm going to hate you now and feed you up. You're not sitting next to me" .

I'm pretty robust, but that threw me right onto the back foot, the whole room looked at me and I had no idea how to respond. Massive power play, which she won. For transparency, I'm not skinny - 5ft4, 55 kg so bang in healthy range, fit and toned.

Another time I was at a ball, very formal. I was stag as DH was away and was paired with another (larger) single woman to walk into dinner. As I came down the stairs in the hotel she looked up and said loudly "Oh great, beauty and the fucking beast, thanks for ruining my night". Later, when some folks were talking about moving on to a nightclub she turned to me and said "don't even think about it, you're not coming, skinnies not allowed".

These comments and attitudes are really hurtful whatever your size and people should mind their manners.

@wildthyme no idea who most of those people are, but peer reviewed scientific studies show that anywhere from 80-95% of people who lose weight gain it back. But you listen to your reality TV doctor if it makes you feel better.

They feel inferior to you simple as. It’s the old “you think you’re better than me”
I would say something insulting back in this case.

I agree with Somerset lady.

I was 14st after having my DD. It wasn’t fun. She’s 4.5 now, it’s all gone and I’ve not gained it back. Why would I, my circumstances are different now? I was never in my life 14st before becoming pregnant so why would I gain all that weight?!

People say “you’ll gain it all back” to make themselves feel better and have a dig at slim people. You want us to gain it all back because you’re unhappy at someone else’s success.

"You want us to gain it all back because you’re unhappy at someone else’s success."

🤣🤣🤣

Honestly @Elision i will make the effort to make sure i don’t. After two kids was the only time i was fat and i work hard to make sure i don’t put more in my mouth than the calories i use.

Obviously you know me better with your crystal ball than i know myself!

Youngest is 3 and I’m not gaining it currently even after a broken leg which was hard as i was static for so long and unable to exercise.

Thanks for your input in trying to make me feel good about myself!

@Elision i honestly thing you are barking. Ive been fat I’m now thing.
You could never be black or Korean or know peoples experience who are because as you pointed out you are mixed race!

I have said for me sweating was a major push to lose my weight. I have said anyone who is fat, smells and needs mutliple showers a day. YOU are the one taking this personally like I am trying to say i am speaking for all fat people. Just to clarify I’M NOT.

I’m mixed race. If I were to say hateful and bigoted things about black or Korean Or mixed black/Korean people, would that be ok if I excused it as ‘my own experience?’ I would hope not. But it’s ok when it’s fat people, in spite of the masses of peer reviewed science about weight gain and weight loss that directly contradicts the prevailing narrative here that fat people are lazy and stupid. Fat people are punching bags and are relentlessly trolled on Mumsnet. God forbid someone points it out.

I think it would be nice not to have to think at all about what men like when referring to women's bodies. It's irrelevant.
Sounds like you need to rehearse a phrase OP and just feel it out at every chance, people might then start to get the point, e.g. 'please don't comment on my body negatively, it's hurtful'

When i was very thin I would get comments and none of them were positive:

"Have a sandwich"
"Bloody hell you're a bag of bones!"
"Men like something to hold onto"

I would never in a MILLION years say to an overweight person:

"Don't have a sandwich"
"Bloody hell youre fat"
"Men like thin women"

They would be the direct equivalent comments and they are hateful. So are the comments made to skinny people.

It's nice to be nice. Commenting negatively on another woman's body, especially without an invitation to do so whatsoever, is dickish regardless of either person's dress size.

^ not said ☹️

Apparently commenting on your own body and experiences offends some women too @ThatCurlyGirl !

ive had this all my lifa im 5ft 6 8.5 stone and a size ten, and i eat whatever i want just cant put on weight and believe me all my life i have hated that someone will say they hate me because im slim, i dont hate anyone no matter how big or small they are, my sons are 6 footers with my slim build and my daughter is 5ft 2 and a size 6 they all take after me, under my breath if some overweight person comments on my as they see it skinnyness i just mutter to myself they are jealous lol

Vulpine
Juells - people have commented on my kids slimness, not sure any offence is taken. Maybe we're just a thin family with thick skin.

These weren't comments about 'slimness'. These were accusations of anoerexia to perfectly healthy teenagers. I had to turn quite nasty before the 'helpfulness' stopped.

I've experienced this my whole life. I am a size 8 and 5'6. Always had comments from work colleagues etc. I have no bones showing and I have a 30e chest and a bum so it's not like I look worryingly thin but people still try and make you feel like you are abnormal and think it's okay to comment on your size. I had a very overweight fellow college student who used to always make comments about how unfair it was that I could eat chocolate on my break and I was the size of a 'twig' and she would 'only have to look at chocolate and put on a stone'. I would never say anything as I always felt it was socially unacceptable to challenge anyone's eating habits when they are overweight, despite it being fair game when it's the opposite way around. If I could have said what I was thinking, i would have pointed out that every day I ate a healthy breakfast when I woke up, a chocolate biscuit with unsweetened tea at my break, chicken salad sandwich and fruit for my lunch with water and then a healthy dinner each day. I would have a takeaway occasionally on a Friday nights and I would have treats at the weekend if I wanted to. I exercised daily. The girl who commented on my weight regularly wouldn't eat breakfast until 11am on our first break where she would eat a roll and sausage. She would have a huge sugary latte when she arrived at 9am each morning. At lunch she would always get the hot meal from the canteen which was things like chicken curry or roast dinner and then she would have crisps to follow with a bottle of coke. More coffee throughout the day and then judging by some dinner fb posts she would eat mammoth portions for her dinner too. I also remember we were all discussing Beyoncé one day (possibly due to a concert or something) and she said 'the reason j love her is because she's actually a real woman with a real woman's body'. I was so pissed off but always felt it was a defence mechanism to make herself fell better,albeit at the expense of others (me) which was wrong

@Elision
I put on 5 1/2 stone with my first, didn’t lose all of it until after the second (9years old now), but after I had him I lost all the excess weight and kept it off by exercising and eating sensibly.
Lots of people lose it and keep it off.

Yanbu.

I have had this most of my life from my family, especially my mum and sister.

I have been between a size 8/10 most of my life. I’m about 5’6 and a bit under 10 stone. I’m more of the athletic/toned type with an almost hourglass shape. How much I ate, what I ate, if I lost weight, if I gained weight, etc... was always a topic of discussion. Me and another cousin are built similar but the rest of the women in our family are more voluptuous with large breasts, hips, bums and thighs. Add in my mother building my sister up (her and my sister are overweight) while bringing me down in the process, I spent most of my childhood wavering between counting the days I would go off to college or hoping some deity would take me out depending on the day. I was dealing with bullying from classmates at school (for something else) and dealing with family at home. My mother would ask me why didn’t I have more of a six pack. Tell me I would get fat if I ate this or that.. My sister would repeat what plus size female entertainers would say about slender/skinny women about how much they “hate” skinny bit**es and the like.

When I became pregnant, they were waiting with glee to see me “get fat”, constantly telling me how big I looked. Yet, I was told by my colleagues at work how compact my bump was and they could hardly tell unless they were looking at me from the side. When my mum came to visit 6 weeks after baby was born I heard her tell my aunt in annoyance how I was still the same size and maybe after a few more children I’d get bigger. Second baby born and she came over two weeks after and eye-rolled when she saw I was still the same size.

I don’t comment on other people’s weight especially in front of others unless I’m really concerned and even then I’m cautious about it and do it privately. I don’t join in because I know how it feels and it’s none of my business. Don’t get why others feel the need to.

I was astonished by a woman yesterday whose hips were the size of one of my thighs - she must have had 26 inch hips

Surely not. I don't think human female pelvises can be that slight.

Do you know, the older I get, the more these threads enrage me. Solidarity amongst women? Yeah. In your dreams.
If you are healthy, who gives a flying fuck what you weigh?
For clarity, I am now 58.
I had two children in my 20's and when I reached the grand old age of 40, i was 8st 2lbs, a size 10.
Cancer, the treatments of, old age and decreptitude mean I have put weight on. I am, objectively speaking, overweight.
I take a size 10 jeans and a 14 top. I do need to lose some weight, but at the same time, I am fit, healthy, work outdoors (rescue animals) 6 hours per day. Walk dogs 1.5- 2 hrs per day and find time for other stuff.

I have no doubt that an 'expert' would declare me overweight, but I am a healthy, capable, 9 miles per day walking adult woman who has a belly.

I do not give a stuff.

I love my friends because of THEM. Not what they weigh, or how they look, but they are, well, them.
Anyone who feels differently about me can sod off.

@Toooldtobearsed2 thats easy to say as your lower half is still a size 10 as it has always been. And on top you are only a 14.

To a lot of people thats not fat even if you do think an ‘expert’ would think you overweight.

OP you are definitely NBU
Its never ok to comment on anyone's size.
I'm currently trying to teach 5 to 7 yr olds not to comment on height or weight. We have experienced taller girls patting a small child on the head and calling her a doll. She had suicidal thoughts as a result. At age 5/6
Shocking and setting a precedent for adulthood.

Similarly, I had comments when I was pregnant. Everything from "My God, you're HUGE" (I wasn't, I was measuring perfectly for a 50 centile baby) which I had - said baby grew slowly as a baby and toddler (apparently my fault for breastfeeding) but is now an amazingly tall 7 year old wearing 11 year old clothes.

You cannot win with arseholes who will constantly comment as they see fit.
It will follow you all through life as you have seen. I've eventually grown a thick skin. But I would still never comment on someone's size / kids / parenting.

There will always be some twats who will though.