Aibu to ask why it’s ok to make these comments?

[YDraig]

I’ve had a few, particularly since having DD. I’ve always been fairly slim (but not skinny) I am also just under 5’2. So if I was a size 16+ I’d probably be rather unhealthy.

For further reference I am a size 10, was a size 8 prior to having my dd.
Comments such as
“God, how are you SO SKINNY?”
“You should eat more!” Are commonplace. I’ve also had the rather unhurtful and untrue “ah well some men like more meat only dogs go for bones.” Aimed at me, I say untrue because rightly or wrongly my bones do not stick out

“Do you want some of my food?” - complete with a head tilt and raised brow.
And referring to me “She is such a skinny thing, I wonder how she managed to give birth without snapping”
I’ve just finished a night shift with three others who spent part of the shift making comments about my size, may be relevant but they’re all plus sized. I’ve never made a comment as I’d consider it rude and unkind.
Aibu to think it’s not ok to comment on someone’s body size either way and if it is ok, why?

TrendyNorthLondonTeen - why would it become fat bashing?

The whole point of the threat is to make people realise that weight bashing in general is bad, it works both ways for fat and thin bashing, nether is good.

Fat bashing exists but skinny bashing doesnt seem to have the same status and it does allow some people to think its ok and its just as bad.

Mumsnet seems to consider it absolutely fine to comment on the overweight, even the little bit chubby, there have been droves of threads evidencing that but criticise the ideal 😳🤔

I've been on both sides of this. Was a six 20-26 for most of my adult life. BED and various medications and not taking responsibility for my health got me there.

People were more than happy to comment on it. My size, shape, health, ability, fitness literally anything and it entrenched my ED.

I sorted my mental health and was more able to take responsibility and weight naturally came off and ended up a size 12 right before I got pregnant.

Lots of people commented on that with the "are you ill" "don't go too far" etc. With people that didn't know my old body I realised just how much privilege I had over my 26 sized self. Fucking hell the way people treat me now in comparison is incredible. I'm visible again and that comparison makes me very sad.

I've lost weight in my face during my pregnancy. I have no idea how because I'm stuffing my face and I've gained around 5lbs in 17 weeks. People have commented on that too.

I just roll my eyes and don't engage in conversation about it. It's frankly none of anyone's business and if people have no common decency then I just let them get on with proving that. My colleagues who I am close to I've just told I'm not comfortable talking about it really. They see me eating all the time 😂

It's always been ok to go on and on at skinny/thin/slim people.
Apparently.

And its just as rude as commenting on people for being overweight/fat/obese

Peoples sizes and shapes and food consumption are no-one else's business.

I had that for years and years and it made me feel awful. I’m heavier now, but still only a couple of kg into the ‘healthy’ weight range so I haven’t been on the receiving end for a while.

I have more confidence now, so if I thought the comment was malicious (and many of the times they were) I wouldn’t hesitate to shoot back a retort that would put them in their place.

Ofc it's not ok. It's not a compliment backhanded or not. Skinny being the ideal doesn't justify rude,hurtful,demeaning comments.

It's jealousy pure and simple and their way of peddling the lies of "fat is beautiful ", using you as a prop in their delusion.
I bet if you threw their comments back at them they would go mental.

“God, how are you SO SKINNY?” Magic ,grin,eink.
“You should eat more!” What?like you?!? Horrified look
"ah well some men like more meat only dogs go for bones.” Yes those men have a fetish.

“Do you want some of my food?” Sure,you should share with the rest too,you have enough to feed 10 people.

"She is such a skinny thing, I wonder how she managed to give birth without snapping” I wonder how anyone managed to scan for the baby through all that fat.

I'm fat it doesn't mean I can make anyone that's skinnier than me feel shit for "body positive" bullshit messages. If someone is a dick to you,you can be a dick back.

What are you all on about voting?

I think sometimes we are too quick to assume that others think like we do. As long as we are healthy (and extreme skinny is as bad as extreme fat), it really should be celebrated.

The problem is that sometimes people think they are giving a backhanded compliment and don’t realise that it isn’t a compliment to that specific person.

When I was pregnant with my first child, I had a very small bump and ended up having several growth scans. DD was a tiny baby. I lost count of people telling me I barely looked pregnant, how slim I looked etc. At that point I was so worried about my tiny baby that I sometimes cried in the bathroom (I know they meant it as a compliment). I think people need to be quite careful with comments on appearance...

yanbu to be upset, they are out of order, but, it's stil, a fraction of what overweight people have to put up with I'm afraid. They probably think 'skinny' is a compliment!

I used to get that all the time and hated it. I remember once at a buffet as I piled my plate high with food someone asked me if I was going to go make myself vomit afterwards.

It’s not ok. Same as it’s not ok to be called a fat cunt by a man in a passing van.
Or to be openly laughed at and have someone tell me to stop eating and you wouldn’t need your lazybitch-mobile when using a mobility scooter (I have MS last j checked that wasn’t caused by being fat).
Its just not ok to comment on someone’s body. I hope you told them where to go!

They probably think 'skinny' is a compliment!

The problem is that sometimes people think they are giving a backhanded compliment and don’t realise that it isn’t a compliment to that specific person.

That's bullshit. Some of the examples given by PP wasn't just "skinny". It never is. And it's always meant like a put down.
I have skinny friends. Yes I'm jealous, and I say that honestly with no needs of "bones are for dogs" or whatever. I tell them they look amazing,great,hot etc. Because they do. I don't need to put them down though to big myself up. I'm big enough already

The comments that do annoy me are when I'm told that I'm lucky to be slim because it's not down to luck, I work really hard to be so and make it a priority in my life

There is still an element of ‘luck’. Lots of us work really hard at it and are still overweight. Previous to being ill I worked less hard and was 8 stone.

Admit to yourself, if no one else, that you’re lucky...because if it all comes crashing down, I can tell you it feels bloody unlucky...especially when people witter on about it being a matter of choice or ‘working at it’

They are jealous and they need to do you down, OP, in order to justify why your body size is ‘wrong’ (and therefore theirs is ‘right’). And yes, people will make nasty comments to a person they perceive as thin that they wouldn’t dream of making to someone they perceived as fat.

When I was in my early 20s I was about a size 6 - I had a physically demanding job combined with a sport I competed at. I got comments quite a lot anyway but I remember getting ill just before I went on holiday one year and I’d lost weight as a result of it - you could just about see the shadow of my ribs. I remember being mortified to realise that the two women on the sunloungers next to mine were discussing how awful I looked and how I must be anorexic.

You’d be more than justified in biting back - they bloody deserve it. On another occasion I was at the pool and walked into the changing room to find a very overweight woman sitting on the benches by the door with all her mates. As I walked past she sniggered and said to them all “If I looked like that I’d cry”. I replied “If I looked like you I’d top myself”. It was a really nasty thing to say and I said it without thinking - I’d never normally say something like that but I was so fucked off with her comment alone, never mind getting her cabal of mates to join in. She had a face like a slapped arse, but she never opened her mouth to me again.

I'm 47kg, 5ft 4" in my 50's and have had awful things said to me about skinnyness all my life. It's made me quite miserable and no I don't believe they are back handed compliments.

"TrendyNorthLondonTeen - why would it become fat bashing?"

Because this is MN.

I can guarantee that if this thread had been started by someone who had people commenting on them being overweight, you'd have people asking OP for their BMI.

I’ve always been fairly slim (but not skinny) I am also just under 5’2. So if I was a size 16+ I’d probably be rather unhealthy.

So you're complaining about people making comments on your size OP but you've pretty much insulted others with your opening remark? That's not okay either.

'skinny shaming' someone who is happy being slim is not the same as fat shaming someone unhappy with the extra weight

they are out of order, but, it's stil, a fraction of what overweight people have to put up with I'm afraid.

It's not a race to the bottom or hurt feelings top trumps.
If some people in society were and still are treated like shit, the answer to that is not to treat their opposites like shit or ignore the fact that they are upset by it.

You have no idea if someone has a history of ED, if their weight is caused by illness , if they struggle with body image and their mental health etc. That goes both ways.

It's absolutely not ok. However, in my experience, larger people also get their fair share of unpleasant comments. I've worked in places where people have made constant comments about what others are having for lunch - comments tailored depending on the weight of the person concerned.
I don't think any comments about personal appearance are ok.
My Mam used to say "It's the height of bad manners to comment on someone's personal appearance" and I think it is.

I can guarantee that if this thread had been started by someone who had people commenting on them being overweight, you'd have people asking OP for their BMI.

So lets even the keel here just to be fair.
I am skinny, I am 5ft3 and 7st7 I have a BMI of 18.5. Low yes but with in the healthy range.

Vulpine
I've been slim most of my life. I cant see how people can get so worked up about it being commented on.
Yeah, bully for you. Show me a single teenager who likes people being insulted about their body shape, and told there's something wrong with it. If it's not OK to tell teenagers they're fat, it's not OK to tell them they're too thin.

RedSheep73
They probably think 'skinny' is a compliment!
No they don't. They're trying to be hurtful and 'bring you down a peg or two'.

My brothers and I have always been slim and gangly - them more so because they’re taller. Yet I’m the only one who has regularly been accused of having an eating disorder and told I’m wasting away. Funny that... First time I remember it happening was when I was so young I hadn’t even heard of anorexia. I was at a party and the party girl’s aunt did the old slow down-up look and snorted “Look at the state of that. She must be anorexic.” Miserable cow.

The thing with these comments is that they’re not only pointed at your appearance, but also your mental health. You get written off as being something you’re not. YANBU, OP.

I am short and slim and have had similar comments in the past. They are such daft comments they just wash over me.

People do say daft stuff all the time, if it's really bothering you then say something to them, just point out that you don't like personal comments.

@Boireannachlaidir

“I’ve always been fairly slim (but not skinny) I am also just under 5’2. So if I was a size 16+ I’d probably be rather unhealthy.”

Why is that statement critical? I am 5’2 too and if I was a size 16 or higher my BMI would almost certainly be in the ‘unhealthy’ range. That’s just true, it isn’t meant to be insulting.

It doesn't happen to me any more since I'm older and fatter but if I could go back in time I'd say "Oh, are we doing personal comments about weight today? So I can say what I like about your body-shape then?"