Aibu to ask why it’s ok to make these comments?

[YDraig]

I’ve had a few, particularly since having DD. I’ve always been fairly slim (but not skinny) I am also just under 5’2. So if I was a size 16+ I’d probably be rather unhealthy.

For further reference I am a size 10, was a size 8 prior to having my dd.
Comments such as
“God, how are you SO SKINNY?”
“You should eat more!” Are commonplace. I’ve also had the rather unhurtful and untrue “ah well some men like more meat only dogs go for bones.” Aimed at me, I say untrue because rightly or wrongly my bones do not stick out

“Do you want some of my food?” - complete with a head tilt and raised brow.
And referring to me “She is such a skinny thing, I wonder how she managed to give birth without snapping”
I’ve just finished a night shift with three others who spent part of the shift making comments about my size, may be relevant but they’re all plus sized. I’ve never made a comment as I’d consider it rude and unkind.
Aibu to think it’s not ok to comment on someone’s body size either way and if it is ok, why?

I am short and size 16 and obviously quite chunky but I don’t get any comments about my weight! Yanbu
I had a friend who lost a lot of weight and started getting all the same comments, she was like well no one commented on my weight when i was big so why do people feel it’s ok when I’m small.

Of course it's not ok - you don't need to ask that.

I think some people think it's ok because in our society being slim is praised and being fat is vilified. So while their comments are clearly not kind, people perhaps think they aren't that bad because they're praising you for being slim.

It's a bit different when people make comments about fat people, because nobody is praised for being fat. That doesn't make mean comments about anyone's body acceptable, however.

To answer your obvious but unstated question, no, it's not remotely the same as people saying similar things to fat people because fat people experience institutionalised discrimination.

Someone saying 'God you are so thin I hate you' is someone making a stupid backhanded jealous compliment*. Someone saying 'god you're so fat, it's disgusting!' is someone being harassing and discriminatory.
To put it in a work context, if someone in my team said the first one, they would be asked to cut it out and if they did cut it out, fine. If someone in my team said the second one, they would be marched up to HR and things would move along in a more official and documented capacity.

Stop trying to make yourself a victim.

*if someone is actually unhealthily thin, due to illness (be it cancer or ED or Crohn's disease), that is a different story - but that's clearly not the case for you

Why is that statement critical? I am 5’2 too and if I was a size 16 or higher my BMI would almost certainly be in the ‘unhealthy’ range. That’s just true, it isn’t meant to be insulting.

Ok then @BrightYellowDaffodil let me rephrase it. There's a certain irony in an OP complaining about people commenting on their weight/size/shape and simultaneously doing that themselves in their OP (whether true or insulting).

So while their comments are clearly not kind, people perhaps think they aren't that bad because they're praising you for being slim.

There is no way anything like comparing you to a bag of bones is praising someone.

You are a normal size, most people are overweight now, but we are supposed to pretend they are the normal ones.

^this

When i was in primary school (am 40s) there was one fat girl in our class Paula and i remember her to this day she stood out because she was overweight. I also remember She was a really good swimmer.

Look at a primary school now (this is not scientific) but there are probably 25% of children who are over weight and a couple that would be classed as Obese.

Try to let it run over you your colleagues probably wish they were thinner and are taking it out in you.

I personally think that people who say I’m fat and happy are in denial. Ive been fat after 2 kids and it’s horrible went upto 15st. The sweat and the smell off me was just gross the lethargy because i was eating shite and how much harder is was to do normal thinks such as dog walk, jogging, horse riding.

I disliked it so much that the fat had to go and life is so much better for it now. I get the aren't you skinny, look at you (have lost 4 stone but am 5”10 so that takes me to a size 10.) as well as i don't think you should lose anymore weight (I’m not trying to) and feeders trying to give me cakes or biscuits - still putting them on my plate after I have said no thank you.

Genuinely It doesn't bother me I’m working hard to be fit and healthy for my own children and my own life. I feel better in myself i sleep better i deal with life better i enjoy things more. I like looking in the mirror and seeing my clothing from pre kids still fit well. I only need one shower a day and I no longer sweat between my thighs or under my boobs which i detested! That is enough for me to be able to think these things in my head without saying them out loud.

I also get positive commenta and the ones that make me laugh “you look amazing how have you done it???” Eaten less, cut out junk totally and exercised more ita not rocket science.

And yes i appreciate a tiny percentage of the population have medical issues that make it not that simple but the majority don’t!

Can’t you say to them “ I won’t comment on your weight if you don’t comment on mine.” I never comment on anyone’s weight.

Yadnbu
A colleague said to me "God I hate people like you, you're all skinny"
(I'm not! I'm 6', size 14, bmi of 23.
I'm healthy and average sized!)

In context, she had brought three packets of biscuits in to work, had opened and started eating from them all.

@PalJoey The OP isn’t playing the victim. She’s expressing her very reasonable annoyance at people commenting on her appearance. They are NOT saying it in a positive way.

Point is, maybe women - and yes, slay me alive for saying it’s mostly women... but we all know it is mostly women - should perhaps lay off making negative comments about other women’s appearances and focus on their own issues. Because that’s the only way they are actually ever going to feel better about themselves. Not by making barbed comments about others. Whether they’re slim or overweight.

How about that?

PalJoey

Someone saying 'God you are so thin I hate you' is someone making a stupid backhanded jealous compliment. Someone saying 'god you're so fat, it's disgusting!' is someone being harassing and discriminatory.*

You're comparing two completely different things. Nobody is complaining about someone saying 'God you are so thin I hate you', which is obviously a funny comment, and a compliment. What we're objecting to is the things that are actually said, like 'bag of bones' 'scrawny' 'skinny' and variations.

You would report someone to HR for 'fat-shaming', but if someone objects to rude remarks about being thin, they're accused of making themselves victims.

People making these comments have no clue about what's going on with the person they're addressing them to. At one point I was a bit too thin for a couple of years due to a medical condition. A guy at work would constantly make comments - he assumed I had lost the weight on purpose and was dieting, so the comments would be from how I needed to eat more, should eat actual food etc. (I did!) to more general comments basically just suggesting I was a vain airhead. I found it really hurtful.

I later found out via mutual friends that he had fancied me before I lost the weight and was then essentially just annoyed that I wasn't as attractive to him when I was thinner. Couldn't believe the kind of entitled attitude that makes someone think it's okay to make comments about another person's body because they're disappointed they're not fanciable anymore! Eventually my boyfriend told him about the medical condition and he backed off a bit... But I shouldn't have to share personal medical details with all and sundry to avoid them making nasty comments about my weight.

To put it in a work context, if someone in my team said the first one, they would be asked to cut it out and if they did cut it out, fine. If someone in my team said the second one, they would be marched up to HR and things would move along in a more official and documented capacity.

Then you're a shit manager.

Yanbu op. I was always about 7 and a half stone from my teens into my 20s and had so many of these comments. Illness and medication have meant that I've now gone up to a size 10/12 so don't get the comments anymore.

However, I now wear splints on my hands and have a large scar on my leg from surgery and people now think it's ok to ask me about it or ask why I wear the splints - I work with the public and I get asked this multiple times a day.

Why do people think that it's ok to pass comment or ask questions about another person's body? I just don't understand it.

My aunt had a go at me at a funeral the other week.

I love her to bits but I've been really ill this year and lost a shit tonne of weight. Loads of people have said I look great because I've lost so much - I don't. I look terrible and my legs are like sticks - dreadful.

But everyone's so focused on being stick thin.... I'm 5.4, on the lighter side of the BMI healthy scale and I am too thin for my age and I am gaunt. Size 8 and lighter than when I met my husband 20 odd years ago. Not a healthy weight at all IMO.

And yes, CFs of the highest order.

After having a curry and 3 pints of lager I was called an 'anorexic bitch' by two 'friends' because I didn't want dessert. It does get boring.

Where I work the majority of us are overweight. We vary from slightly overweight to morbidly obese. We had someone new(according to others skinny,but actually just a normal weight)start 2 years ago. She only lasted 6 months, the bullying she suffered was horrendous and disgusting. She was a fucking victim, and only 20 being ganged upon by grown ass women in their 30's and 40's.

It is not fucking ok!! I don't give a shit if you've been bullied all your life for being fat(I was) it doesn't give you the right to treat another person like shit.

if someone is actually unhealthily thin, due to illness (be it cancer or ED or Crohn's disease), that is a different story - but that's clearly not the case for you

How do people know whether someone is slim due to illness or not when they make these comments? (Not that I think it's ok to make the comments regardless).

I have Crohn's. Currently I'm a size 10/12 mainly thanks to the steroids. But frequently I'll lose a lot of weight very quickly and will get the "oh you're do thin you need to eat more" comments. Yeah thanks. I'd like to be able to eat at all but I'm on a liquid diet to try and rest my bowel. How do you know what is happening in that person's life when you make that comment in passing?

I work with the public. Why should I have to disclose my private medical history to a customer, in order to explain why I look the way I do? Equally I can't be rude to them so have to just sit there and smile sweetly while wanting to cry.

It's not on. Keep your comments to yourself.

Elision that's a vile post to Somersetlady. I'm going to report it as so totally unnecessary.

I hate all this whinging about 'body shaming'. Considering I'm not an angsty 14 year old and have plenty of real problems to think about, someone commenting on how I look is the least of my worries.

"Elision that's a vile post to Somersetlady. I'm going to report it as so totally unnecessary"

If previous threads are anything to go by though then they aren't wrong.

@PalJoey
That’s bs. Making personal remarks about someone’s is unacceptable, whether it be because they are fat, thin, tall, small. There’s no difference.
@Elision, what was the point of your post?

Elision you are troll hunting are you not? The poster gave a detailed account of her experience and you reply with that? Not sure how my 'general sense of morality' fits in with me thinking your comment was totally uncalled for?