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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is it a class thing?

389 replies

Pollypenguin01 · 13/09/2019 16:53

I don’t really want to go into the why’s of this question as it’s pretty outing but I’m looking for a average opinion.

Would you ever take a ‘gift’ for the kitchen staff at a restaurant?
Has this always been a thing to do?
Do you have to be of a certain class and in a certain class of establishment for this to be the norm?
If you happen to be a Chef/waiting staff/restaurant owner/etc would you think it very strange for a customer to bring a gift for the chef and cooking staff?

The example of gifts would be, a pack of beer, some mini cakes or doughnuts, some other appropriate food or drink multi pack.

YANBU = God no, I have never heard of this!
YABU = you’re clearly some sort of cretin that doesn’t know how to behave in civilised society!

Please feel free to explain your vote! Grin

OP posts:
KatharinaRosalie · 13/09/2019 18:02

Your friend is bonkers and should maybe choose less 'high class' restaurants if 6 quid on donuts is such an issue.

margotsdevil · 13/09/2019 18:02

If any of our friends tried to "educate" me like that I'm not sure we would stay friends tbh. Quite aside from the complete and inter randomness of the gift thing....

MummytoCSJH · 13/09/2019 18:02

Jesus Christ they are rude! Let us educate you.. higher class than you may be used to? Tell them to fuck the fuck off OP!

donquixotedelamancha · 13/09/2019 18:03

‘As you can see (the link earlier posted) it is quite a common and completely natural thing to do for kitchen staff, and we are a little disappointed our friends haven’t done this as standard. It reflects poorly on both of us, that we would associate with people that do not treat their kitchen staff with respect and that you have been ignorant of this’

I am sceptical that anyone is this nuts, but it's a helluva story OP :-)

I would reply that it is incredibly petit-bourgeois to lecture others on manners or to request repayment of pocket change. Add that you are willing to assist them in navigating the etiquette required for more refined company. Tell them your other posh friends are very amused by your little project from the shires/the north/south of the river (where ever they are from you can make it sound like a shit hole).

AnnieBal03 · 13/09/2019 18:03

@Pollypenguin01 depends really!

Beer
Cake! ( which was enjoyed by us waitresses and the chefs at the end of the shifts)
Sometimes bath sets!

However I must add that the people who brought the chefs gifts were regulars, or people who held events there and the chef cooked for their special event for example, their wedding, birthday party or a wake ect. It was never someone who would just go in once in a blue moon

Twistables · 13/09/2019 18:03

Imagine bringing doughnuts or cakes to people who work with food! Stupid weird and annoying imo

MrsMozartMkII · 13/09/2019 18:04

I give tips to the kitchen staff.

I'd take a gift if it was a regular place.

zxcvhjkl · 13/09/2019 18:04

Wow. These people are your friends? How rude and condescending is that message "let us educate you" when they are the ones pulling strange stunts and buying doughnuts willy nilly. I could not be dealing with that level of dickish behaviour.

They've acted batshit crazy, been rude, and now want £6 for the privilege. No. They can fuck right off.

HollyGoLoudly1 · 13/09/2019 18:04

"let us educate you in the correct etiquette for dining in a slightly better class restaurant than the ones you may be used to"

Oh. Dear. God. If they are serious then not only are they bonkers, they also come across total snobs and totally condescending Hmm

I wouldn't pay and I also wouldn't be going for dinner with them again!

RunsForGummyBears · 13/09/2019 18:05

Isn't that what tips are for? Or a really good trip advisor review?

popehilarious · 13/09/2019 18:05

I could educate him on his punctuation in return?
To describe it as "natural" is bizarre, it does sound slightly like English isn't their first language.

OtraCosaMariposa · 13/09/2019 18:07

let us educate you in the correct etiquette for dining in a slightly better class restaurant than the ones you may be used to

It reflects poorly on both of us, that we would associate with people that do not treat their kitchen staff with respect

These comments from your "friend" are spectacularly rude.

DoctorAllcome · 13/09/2019 18:08

Only if I owned the restaurant would I take gifts to thank them for their hard work. And it would not be doughnuts....really that is insulting to give a proper chef doughnuts!! The gifts would start at £100 value for wait staff and go to £1000 for maitre d, manager & chef.

The beer and doughnuts gifts sound like a low class country boy thing that local people give to mom and pop restaurants like crab shacks in Louisiana because they went to high school with the owners son/daughter/cousins roommate.

frogsoup · 13/09/2019 18:09

What an unbelievably rude and condescending message. I'm not one to jump on the 'go NC' bandwagon but I really could not be friends with someone who spoke to me like that. It's seriously out of order, as well as - ironically - seriously lacking in class - what kind of person accustomed to going to high class restaurants would be so tacky as to chase up a 6 pound debt?!), and peer down their nose at somebody for not knowing the 'right' etiquette?!

ConferencePear · 13/09/2019 18:09

Is she Hyacinth Bucket ?

Userzzzzz · 13/09/2019 18:09

This is so bizarre is as the implication that you are some sort of crass loon for not rocking up with donuts because you don’t frequent the sorts of places they do.

DarkDarkNight · 13/09/2019 18:09

I don’t think it’s usual no. I’ve bought a round of drinks for the kitchen staff before but only once and it was because I knew the Chef and he went out of his way to make something for me.

Somersetlady · 13/09/2019 18:10

Message gim back amd say

“I really didn't feel the donuts were enough pf a gesture so i took round a case pf Verve. The champagne was £300 so please will you give me £144 to settle up”

Yours generously

Polly Penguin

NotTonightJosepheen · 13/09/2019 18:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

WhatTiggersDoBest · 13/09/2019 18:11

God this sounds like something my MIL would try to do she's obsessed with buying gifts/cards for non-events and signing them from us and it's so embarrassing.
About how to refuse to pay, just remind your friend it's good etiquette not to quibble over money nor to ask friends for money for something they didn't intend to buy. If etiquette is so important they'll STFU and never spend your money for you again. Yes £6 isn't much but it's the principle of the thing and what about when he wants to buy the taxi driver a £100 bottle of champagne and "split" the bill with you?

ajandjjmum · 13/09/2019 18:12

Surely it is only appropriate if you have a personal connection to the chef or kitchen staff.

They must have misinterpreted - but I'm not sure how you play along. Maybe 'I'll pay you £6 because it's not worth arguing over, but you are totally wrong about this being an accepted norm in our culture'.

Zaphodsotherhead · 13/09/2019 18:13

Doughnuts? And they think they are 'classy'? What the hell is classy about fried bread products, unless they are lightly dusted with unicorn tears?

If they were aiming at class, then surely a box of posh chocs to be shared, or a bottle of expensive wine? But taking food and drink to kitchen staff is a bit 'coals to Newcastle' isn't it? A bit like saying, 'we like the way you do your job, so here's a cheap and nasty example of what you do'.

Unless those doughnuts really were covered in unicorn tears, in which case I apologise.

But they are nuts. And not classy, whatever they may think.

SeeWhoRustsFirst · 13/09/2019 18:15

12 quid's worth of doughnuts?! How many chefs were there?! My mind is blown on so many levels here!!

Bowerbird5 · 13/09/2019 18:15

Actually think that could be a H&S risk. They probably bin it!

Never heard of it but I do sometimes take local chef something unusual back like if I have been on holiday or some chillies my friend grows. I have know him five years and we often buy him a pint after the meal and sometimes he sits and drinks one with us. It is a country pub a stones throw from here. I don't do it to improve our status chances in the restaurant/gastro pub!

I wouldn't pay it now. Bloody cheek! They are just trying to make themselves feel /look important and probably hope the chef will come out to the table so every diner sees.Grin

I would question whether you want such pretentious friends.
I have dined in some high class restaurants and never seen anyone do this. I had a friend who had been Head Chef at The Savoy in London. Sadly died now. Have another who worked in top hotel in the Lakes and cooked all over Europe. Invited to Germany for a top event. He probably would like some beer but not doughnuts. Doughnuts are just weird unless they were still hot and rolled in cinnamon sugar. I hope they weren't those awful American creme doughnuts yuk I tried one once and binned it.

Maybe it is a London trend. I live up north.

With Ellisandra I would ditch them.

HeadintheiClouds · 13/09/2019 18:15

Are these friends of yours, op? This can’t be the first indication of their extreme weirdness, surely?
They’re a pair of embarrassing loons. And how many mini doughnuts did they push on the unsuspecting kitchen staff anyway - twelve quids worth? Really?

Surely the whole thing is an elaborate joke and they’re pissing themselves at you taking it seriously...