To be terrified of tearing during childbirth

[custarddonut]

Hi everyone, posting here for traffic.

Am 7 months pregnant and have always just assumed that I would opt for a vaginal birth, but it's dawning on me that there is a strong likelihood of some tearing. And I'm terrified! I'm not good with pain and the thought of a severe tear really freaks me out. My baby will hopefully be around 8lbs and I am of average build. But although I'm doing hypnobirthing I am still in a right panic about this. I realise childbirth is never going to be easy or pain free but I wondered if anyone could advise me how common tearing is, how likely is it that you'll get a severe tear (am 34 and first child) and how tough is the recovery? I don't for one second think that a c-section is an easier option but i am starting to seriously think about asking for one so as to avoid a tear, I feel like a c-section would offer more precision and control, though the recovery might be a lot tougher. Sorry if this is a bit garbled but I am really stressing out about it. Thank you in advance for any advice.

I had a water birth and got a 3C tear. Recovery was awful - 3 months of prescription painkillers and I could hardly wait to take the next dose, it was agony. Then continued with ibuprofen and paracetamol for a few more months. I couldn't walk or stand for very long for about 6 months. Vowed I wouldn't have another baby but I did, by CS. Recovery was far easier, I had a catheter in for two weeks after the CS but that was the only complication. Still have continence issues from the first birth though, over 5 years on.

I had sections for this very reason.

Tbh people saying that you don't notice it just made me MORE worried. I mean, how bad must the rest if it be to not notice your genitals ripping or being cut?

I have zero regrets at my section and recovered very quickly. Quicker than most friends with vaginal births, though first 48 hours were harder perhaps.

HRTFT

I'm quite small , had a 9lb 6 baby with no pain relief and had a 3rd degree tear . I had no clue it happened until I was told by the MW. I opted to be put under GA to be stitched up again (I was shattered and didn't want to go through getting the spinal block after I'd already given birth)

The healing process was as good as it could be , no extreme pain , no lasting damage and I moved a little funny for a bit but was able to go about life as normal.

I was absolutely terrified of tearing but I assure you it's not nearly as dramatic and horrific as I pictured it to be. I hope your fear eases and you can enjoy the rest of your pregnancy

(Please ignore any typos / grammar issues , I'm half asleep )

I tore in labour not massively but honestly I didn't even notice! Even when they numbed me to put the stitches in I didn't feel it 😂. Probably the adrenaline

I don't think most people notice at the time?
If you're frightened about the pain plan to have an epidural asap. I had one at 1 - 2 cms which is unusual, I was very firm about it.
2nd time around I had a planned c section and the whole thing was much calmer/less unpleasant which gave me a better start.
Talk to your midwife about your fears.
You will be fine though. Understand your worries.

I've not RTFT OP, just wanted to put my experience here. I am terrible with pain, a real whimp, I didn't even know I had torn until the midwife said I need stitches, which freaked me out so much I tried to refuse them, but even then I didn't feel a thing, i was so preoccupied with my beautiful baby and due to position of legs and blanket i couldn't see anything. With my second I tore at the front too, again didnt even know until they told me, didnt feel a thing that time either, I was so tired and happy to be holding my baby. Healing isn't too bad either. My midwife with my first advised me to put a couple of drops of lavender oil in my bath to aid healing. Every night whilst healing a ran a bath, without any bubble bath and added a couple of drops, it really helped.

I've had a first degree , a second degree and a third degree tears (and then not even a graze with the fourth!). I didn't know at the time I had torn. With the 3rd degree I had stitches in the theatre with a spinal block (the others were stitched by midwives in birth suite) but honestly it was ok. I was back doing school runs two days later and sex three weeks later which was fine

@Lvsel I used to sometimes find sex at certain angles uncomfortable and sometimes painful. Since giving birth (vaginally) sex feels amazing. I was super tight before (sorry TMI) and it just relaxed things a bit for me. You may find the same?

OP, I had a little cut. As PP said, it is important to listen to the midwife if you can, everything in my body was telling me to push, I was literally trembling to stop myself but she said to stop or I would have torn. I had the small cut and then could push her head out. I didn’t even notice it genuinely. You will be too focused on everything else and just so close to that blissful relief when baby is finally out. Stitches recovered easily and it was all ok.

Hopefully you have a similar experience, and also start oiling your perinium I think from about 36 weeks is advised.

Tbh people saying that you don't notice it just made me MORE worried. I mean, how bad must the rest if it be to not notice your genitals ripping or being cut

How bad must it be? Well its not an op that increases risk to baby and mother, known risks.

It's a slight tear or graze and when the perineum is stretched it goes numb which is why many women don't notice. That, and the fact that you can begin the see your baby for the first time. Thats very exciting! Not bad

Same as holidayhelppp I didn’t notice and had a grade 2, in their words, ‘almost 3’ tear. Next time I had a graze.

The pain of those early contractions was the pain I noticed. Wow it hurt! Massaging and heating lower back really helped with that.

My DS had a big head - 99th percentile - and I reckon that didn’t help. When he bore down on that area generally I really struggled not to push; he came out really fast at second stage. If you manage the little puffs and go slowly, allowing the area to stretch, it’ll probably be better.

If you do tear, the life saver advice for me was to do regular pelvic floor, to get oxygen into the area and speed healing.

I hope it all goes brilliantly xx

I completely understand OP. I had horrific tokophobia which consumed my every waking (and many sleeping!) moment when I was pregnant with my twins. I knew I was scared of giving birth but it morphed into something all consuming once I actually got pregnant.

I had no fear of the pain of contractions (I have endometriosis which causes horrific pain and while I’m sure labour is worse, I don’t fear pelvic pain in the way some do) - it was the actual act of getting the baby out and associated issues like tearing, assisted delivery etc which made me feel physical terror. I also have a terrible needle phobia so couldn’t even imagine having an epidural but when I found out it was twins they told me I should really have one anyway in case an EMCS was needed.

I’ve never known anything like the fear I had while pregnant and now I’m not pregnant I can’t get into the same mindset. Very odd.

In the end an ELCS was agreed - I ended up having an Emcs a few weeks earlier as DT2 almost died. My spinal was a complete disaster and took 7 attempts, one of my worst nightmares - they were about to give me a general when they finally got it in. After that I can honestly say the surgery and recovery wasn’t too bad.

If I were in your position, and my fear was really focussed on tearing specifically, I’d be considering an epidural since then (if all works properly) you’d feel none of it.

I hope things go well for you, just wanted you to know that you’re not alone and would definitely talk to your midwife about your fears if you haven’t already.

I had a drug free labour, 8ish lb baby and a 4th degree tear.

Didn't feel the tearing at all but had been I labour for two days and was delerious by the end. You won't feel the actual tearing.

I still have issues, six and a half years on. Continence issues. Sex not as good as before.

I've also had 2 C sections. The recovery from the C sections are far more painful than from the tear.

But the C sections leave you with fewer long term issues than tearing. It is difficult either way.

If I was you I would learn as much as possible about how to avoid tearing and go for a natural birth.

Don't give birth lying down, perineal massage in the last few weeks and learn all you can about what to do during labour. I didn't take the anti natal classes and will regret that the rest of my life.

All the best to you

I didn’t tear with either of mine, so no stitches. And one of mine was over 8lb.

Chances are you’ll either tear or be cut. It almost unavoidable. People like to tell their horror stories, but for most, it’s unpleasant, but manageable (once you get past the first post birth scary poo).

I were in your position, and my fear was really focussed on tearing specifically, I’d be considering an epidural since then (if all works properly) you’d feel none of it

Please read, the number of women who dont feel it! Stretching and pressure numb the perineum.

Please don't advocate an intervention, and its inherent increased risks, in comparison to a tiny tear.

I understand in your case for psychological reasons this was your best option.

But its not true to say you feel this, as you can see by many of the posts on here.

Please read, the number of women who dont feel it! Stretching and pressure numb the perineum.

Please don't advocate an intervention, and its inherent increased risks, in comparison to a tiny tear.

Please don’t trivialise fear of childbirth. I don’t know the OP’s personal situation so I said if I were in her position that’s what I would do. Fear can prevent labour from progressing, especially if the fear is of part of the delivery.

don’t trivialise fear of childbirth Sinkgirl. Thats pretty harsh! ...not to mention missing the whole point of my post??!

Considering, my point was about the perinuem being numb and you advocating an epidural, with added health risks... Plus, I said...

I understand in your case for psychological reasons this was your best option.

I dont know how else I could possibly said that, and acknowledgde your own personal decision as best for you, without simply posting my post again.

I think you've missed that bit.

I have completely missed any part in my post where I trivialised your reasons for doing this.

Really surprised its been taken that way tbh

I tore internally and externally.

I was pushing, the midwife said pant as I’d learnt during my classes, I shouted I’m not doing breathing until next week, pushed and tore (ds was 3 weeks early).

The stitching was worse than the birth, although recovery very easy. Found out 15 years later that due to having hyper mobility local anaesthetic doesn’t work well- hence my pain and feeling each stitch.

I have completely missed any part in my post where I trivialised your reasons for doing this.

Probably the part where you dismissed it as a tiny fear.

I'm also nervous about this OP, you're not alone.

I have been folllowing my birthing teacher's advice:

Perineal massage every day
Lots of products that apparently help strengthen skin, mostly stuff with healthy fats like avocado, flax seed, hemp seed, coconut oil (I make a smoothie every day)
Yoga

I'm no expert and doing these things may not help in the slightest, but they do help me feel a little more in control. Maybe they only decrease the risk by a little but that's better than nothing.

She also told me to listen exactly to when the midwife is telling me to push, to not push too hard and not put legs up (eg in stirrups, still very common where I live) to push.

We'll both get through it.

Apologies I haven't read the full thread, only the OP's. My lovely midwife told me that "our bodies grow, they don't stretch". Somehow her choice of words helped. The thought of stretching skin and tissue freaked me out whereas the more gentle act of growing seemed less traumatic. I tried to remember that with each of my 3 births and it did calm me a little - and the gas and air helped too

I ordered and used a brand new epi-no.

It was amazing. I had no tearing at all.

Glad someone else mentioned positioning. Being on your knees, squatting or hands and knees does help. Think about how we evolved from four legged animals, it definitely all works better if you can not be on your back.
Personally I couldn’t have squatted or knelt on dry land for so long so for me the birth pool was excellent.

Yes I had that problem with not being able to crouch for long. The extra weight was too much for my legs. Sadly they wouldn't let me go in the pool as I had a couple of monitors on.

sinkgirl

I dont think its a tiny fear at all. How many timss do you want me to repeat that I appreciated your situation and psychological reasons for your decisions for you.

dismissed it as a tiny fear

I haven't dismissed anything, and did you mean to write fear as I wrote tear

The area goes numb at the point you start to see your baby appear, and the tear, in the vast majority of cases is mm's, and often grazes, which are sore.

I mean tiny because it is small, say, by comparison to the size of an abdominal incision through skin tissue, muscle and uterus of a cs.

I dont mean the impact is small of having torn muscle, as in 2nd degree tear, although it was for me as it was vaginal, and I didn't have any problems carrying on as usual, well, rushing about with the latest arrival!

I dont trivialise your fear and need to act for you.