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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My mum asking for lifts

132 replies

StormyLovesOdd · 13/09/2019 09:01

Just want to know if I ABU as I feel a bit guilty about this.

My Mum is in her late 60's and can't drive. My step dad used to be able to drive but lost his licence earlier this year due to medical issues.

Mum and Step dad live a few miles away from me and also have a caravan 50 odd miles away, they used to go to their caravan half the week and stay at their house the rest of the time. When step dad lost his licence mum asked if me and my sister would mind taking them to the caravan now and then as they didn't want to loose it. We both said yes as we know how much mum enjoys her time there.

Fast forward 6 months..... I have lost my job, money is tight and our car is old. My sister has got a new job, she doesn't finish work now until 5pm.

Mum mentioned a few weeks ago that she didn't like asking my sister to take them to the caravan anymore as sis works long hours so could I take them AND pick them up. Mum gives me money for fuel plus an extra £5 for driving them but I'm worried about the wear and tear on the car. The way things are at the moment I can't afford to fix my car or buy another one if/when it packs up and the trips to the caravan are a 100 mile round trip twice a week.

I told mum I can't do this all the time because I'm worried about the car and she needs to ask sis to help too. Mum said she doesn't want to ask sis as she works really hard so if I can't take her she'll have to give up the caravan. Mum pointed out all the times she's helped me over the years and made me feel really guilty. Am I in the wrong?

OP posts:
Original poster
StormyLovesOdd · 13/09/2019 09:03

Sorry that was so long

OP posts:
ilovesooty · 13/09/2019 09:04

I think the level of help your mother is asking of you is unreasonable.

CuntyMcBollocks · 13/09/2019 09:06

I don't think you're in the wrong. It's unfair of your mum to expect you to do this.

Babysharkisanearworm · 13/09/2019 09:08

Why not compromise? They go to the van on a weekend and stay a week. That way you and your sister can split the journeys. Either that or find a closer site or one on a bus route.

frazzledasarock · 13/09/2019 09:09

Ask your mum what she’s planning on doing when your car completely stops running because you’ve been using it to run her around to her caravan?

QueenEnid · 13/09/2019 09:11

I think your mum is BU too. Especially for pointing out that she has helped you over the years. That's really quite mean.

I think you need to sit down and have another conversation with her and tell her that you'll continue taking her until x date but after that she will have to make other arrangements.

Maybe put the ball in her court too and spell it out to her. It's a 200mile round trip. If you're doing it both ways then that's 400miles. Will she buy you a new car if yours breaks down? Pay for the repairs?

Can she get the train to the caravan? Maybe you could take her to the train station as a compromise?

Also, if your mum is anything like mine, I'd be spelling out that I'm not falling out with her, but she can't always have her own way.

Dixiechickonhols · 13/09/2019 09:11

Have you said exactly what you’re saying here to your mum. You have no money and can’t fix car if it breaks. Maybe your mum would pay for car in those circumstances if no car means no caravan.

Hederex · 13/09/2019 09:12

No! This would be an unreasonable level of help even once a week. It's too much.
I do feel for them but they need to rethink their plans.

FlaviaAlbia · 13/09/2019 09:12

YANBU, your mum is being very unfair on you. She's your mother, that doesn't come with strings attached.

If you didn't mind the driving, though twice a week seems a long way from "now and again", could they insure you on your step father's car?

Alternatively, if they sold it, they could use some of the money to hire a car when they want to go.

LiliesAndChocolate · 13/09/2019 09:12

100 miles twice a week is a lot. Maybe instead of staying half the week there they could stay a whole week there, then a week at home, week at carve, week at home and so on, and you and your sister can alternate the trips so you would take her on the Sunday of week at caravan, and your sister would pick them up the following Sunday and you will take them back the following Sunday

Charley50 · 13/09/2019 09:12

Do they have a lot of savings? Just asking as my mum got me doing so much stuff that she could easily afford to pay for; lifts, gardening, cleaning. I think it was just easier for her than to think about employing a service. Could your mum pay to fix your car if it broke?
Also yes to suggestion of a compromise.. or the train/ bus?

Original poster
StormyLovesOdd · 13/09/2019 09:12

Thanks for the reply's. I'm a doormat aren't I, I'm hopeless at saying no.

They're tied to the caravan for another year as they have just renewed the lease so they can't move it to another site. The caravan is in the sticks, no public transport links anywhere near it

Think I'm going to ring my sister and see what she thinks about offering more help to our mum

OP posts:
msbevvy · 13/09/2019 09:13

It really is a lot to ask of you. Is there any reason why they don't spend longer at the caravan when they go? 2 weeks there and 2 weeks at home would be a lot less bother to whoever is taking them.

Bouffalant · 13/09/2019 09:13

Are there no buses or trains?

How wealthy are your parents? Would they consider hiring a car for you to do the journeys in?

fedup21 · 13/09/2019 09:13

Ask your mum what she’s planning on doing when your car completely stops running because you’ve been using it to run her around to her caravan?

This.

Or she puts you on the step dad’s insurance (presuming he still has his car) and you drive that?

If they have given up this car though, then they are saving a bloody fortune on car running costs and should be more thoughtful to you!

NorthernSpirit · 13/09/2019 09:13

Your mum is being unreasonable. You’re not a taxi service.

Things change. Politely tell them to get themselves a taxi or public transport. The current situation doesn’t sound sustainable. Your mother made the decision years ago not to drive - this isn’t your problem.

hormonesorDHbeingadick · 13/09/2019 09:15

How did your step dad lose his license?

Charley50 · 13/09/2019 09:16

Oh and she is being unreasonable trying to guilt trip you into doing it. Set your boundaries now.

DonPablo · 13/09/2019 09:19

My car is elderly too and can't do long journeys. Needs the best part of £800 spent on it. So I totally understand the whole car issues part of this.

Your mum needs to understand that too. Have you explained? What's the deal with your step dad's car?

B3ck89 · 13/09/2019 09:19

I was prepared to tell you that yabu but wow your mum expects a lot of you.
I enjoy helping my mum if she needs a lift to appointments and if I’m going primark etc I offer to take her too, but I would never do a 100 mile round trip twice a week. That’s a massive expectation of you

Original poster
StormyLovesOdd · 13/09/2019 09:20

No they are not wealthy,mum probably couldn't afford to pay to fix my car if/when it breaks down. Step dad had his car on a lease and took it back when he lost his licence so that's not an option.

I did say to mum that I was worried about my car packing up, that's when she came out with the "we've helped you so many times over the years" comment.

They can't stay at the caravan the full week as my Step Dad has a hospital appointment he has to go to every week so has to go home for that.

OP posts:
Alsohuman · 13/09/2019 09:21

So, the real problem is that you think the additional mileage is going to shorten the life of your car? Have they still got the car neither of them can drive? If so, use that. Or they could hire a car each time. Or maybe your sister could lend you her car as her contribution - you put in the time, she supplies the car.

Butterymuffin · 13/09/2019 09:24

The half a week every week routine makes it worse for sure. How far is it from the nearest train station - could they get a taxi from there?

BloggersBlog · 13/09/2019 09:25

What is your mum prepared to put towards a new car if your packs up? Try to work out a deal where your time is paid for (£5 is rather an insult) and you get something from it too, like financial input towards a new car if this is going to be a long term thing. Try and make the situation work for you.

Perunatop · 13/09/2019 09:25

The best solution would be for you to get another job. In the meantime, perhaps offer to take them once a month.

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