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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My mum asking for lifts

132 replies

StormyLovesOdd · 13/09/2019 09:01

Just want to know if I ABU as I feel a bit guilty about this.

My Mum is in her late 60's and can't drive. My step dad used to be able to drive but lost his licence earlier this year due to medical issues.

Mum and Step dad live a few miles away from me and also have a caravan 50 odd miles away, they used to go to their caravan half the week and stay at their house the rest of the time. When step dad lost his licence mum asked if me and my sister would mind taking them to the caravan now and then as they didn't want to loose it. We both said yes as we know how much mum enjoys her time there.

Fast forward 6 months..... I have lost my job, money is tight and our car is old. My sister has got a new job, she doesn't finish work now until 5pm.

Mum mentioned a few weeks ago that she didn't like asking my sister to take them to the caravan anymore as sis works long hours so could I take them AND pick them up. Mum gives me money for fuel plus an extra £5 for driving them but I'm worried about the wear and tear on the car. The way things are at the moment I can't afford to fix my car or buy another one if/when it packs up and the trips to the caravan are a 100 mile round trip twice a week.

I told mum I can't do this all the time because I'm worried about the car and she needs to ask sis to help too. Mum said she doesn't want to ask sis as she works really hard so if I can't take her she'll have to give up the caravan. Mum pointed out all the times she's helped me over the years and made me feel really guilty. Am I in the wrong?

OP posts:
LazyDaisey · 13/09/2019 09:25

I think you need to tell your mum you’re happy to drive them, just not in your car. If they want to buy a car, you’ll take them. What about switching cars with your sister? She can take yours if she needs it for work. Or if her job is nearby or en route, leave your car there and drive hers to the caravan?

ilovesooty · 13/09/2019 09:27

What does your mother think will happen when you get another job?

Butterymuffin · 13/09/2019 09:28

And they go every week? That's not exactly the 'now and then' that your mum first suggested. Maybe say you can do once a month but no more.

Bouffalant · 13/09/2019 09:30

Tell her you'll do it once every other month.

Daffodil2018 · 13/09/2019 09:30

Why doesn't your mother learn to drive?! Confused

PenelopeFlintstone · 13/09/2019 09:32

Is your stepdad’s appointment the same day every week?

Fizzypoo · 13/09/2019 09:32

If they want you to take them, and you're willing to say once a month, then they need to hire a car for you to drive.

I think it's really unfair of your mum to ask this of you and put a guilt trip on.

WillLokireturn · 13/09/2019 09:33

I agre with LazyDaisy

Happy to drive them but not in your car. They afforded a lease car before so have (or are now saving) the money. They fill their car up, sort insurance and payments. You'll be their chauffeur but only on certain times.

Span1elsRock · 13/09/2019 09:34

So they've renewed the lease on the site even though it's not accessible?

Not your circus, not your monkeys.

Say you'll do it once a month but no more as your car isn't up to it.

Skittlesandbeer · 13/09/2019 09:36

I think a family meeting is in order. Your sister could easily donate some cash to you each week to make up for her not doing ‘her half’ of the driving. Your parents also need to add more than ‘petrol money’ to compensate for car wear and tear. There are tables for figuring this stuff out.

Bring some numbers of your own to that meeting. Chauffeured car price, depreciation of your car price per week, etc.

Start by saying everyone wants the same thing- that they can get full value out of their caravan. But that at the moment, you are the only one sacrificing anything to make that happen. That unfortunately, it isn’t sustainable beyond next month for you. But that you’re sure a fair solution can be found.

For sure your parents need to rethink their schedule. Fewer trips, further apart and/or staying away longer. Plus more money to you.

Your sister needs to be asked what she can contribute to the cause. Let her volunteer. If she holds back, suggest that ‘time is money’.

Establish beforehand what scenario you would find fair and doable. Don’t agree to less. Make sure you state it isn’t sustainable past xx date, so they need to come to you with proposals. Not your fault if they don’t step up. Just be a bit ‘confused’ if they ask or expect after that.

CalmdownJanet · 13/09/2019 09:37

No don't speak to your sister, don't pass your guilt/burden to her. Just say no to your mother, she is being completely unfair and if she wants to ask your sister let her.

Just say "Mum I am not driving you the caravan any more, I am also not listening to any emotional blackmail either, I did it in good faith as long as I could and I can't any more. I don't need to be told you have helped me in the past, I am happy to help, I am not withdrawing all help just this help. You are only in your 60's so either learn to drive or accept that because you didn't learn to drive then this is your own fault and not mine"

Bouffalant · 13/09/2019 09:38

That's a good point, can't your DM learn to drive an automatic?

Original poster
StormyLovesOdd · 13/09/2019 09:38

Mum won't learn to drive. Step Dad is in his 70's and cant walk very far so I don't think the train would be an option. Honestly, I think they'd get completely lost on the train, neither of them have ever used public transport and they get a bit muddled at the best of times.

I think asking them to provide their own car and I'll do the driving could be an option.

OP posts:
bridgetreilly · 13/09/2019 09:38

The official mileage rate for expenses is 45p. That is supposed to be a fair amount to cover overall running costs of the car, not just petrol. I would suggest that is a better starting place for the contributions your mother should be making.

EmeraldShamrock · 13/09/2019 09:39

Can they get a bus?

Cheeseoncrumpets · 13/09/2019 09:41

The best solution would be for you to get another job.

What an unhelpful comment. I think the OP probably knows that already, doesny give her DM the right to take the piss and use emotional blackmail and manipulation to get her way.

EmeraldShamrock · 13/09/2019 09:41

Great idea borrow their car.
Is it better than your car, would they not give you their car forever? It is the least I'd offer for a chauffeur service.

SlightlySleepy · 13/09/2019 09:42

Tell them you absolutely can't do it in your car, but if they lease a car for you then you could do it. They must have the money for it, if they managed it before. And if they don't have the money, then why are they going on holiday every week! You get a good car, they get a taxi service.

finn1020 · 13/09/2019 09:43

Does your mum really understand what it’s like to be severely financially stressed? The driving commitment is too much and unfair, but she doesn’t seem to understand that it’s really because you are living on the edge of a financial cliff, and one wrong move could have devastating consequences. You’ve lost your job and money is tight, does she really understand what that means?

Paintedmaypole · 13/09/2019 09:44

Your Mum is expecting too much. It looks like they will have to reduce the number of visits to the caravan and soon get rid of it. To this person who said "Why doesn't your Mum learn to driveConfused" she is approaching an age where some people who have been driving for years lose confidence so don't be silly. Nevertheless she sounds unusually dependent for someone of her age.

LemonPrism · 13/09/2019 09:45

She needs to get her licence then doesn't she

BogglesGoggles · 13/09/2019 09:47

I would try to sort this out between yourself and your sister. Maybe she would be happy to lend you her car for the journey?

LemonPrism · 13/09/2019 09:48

They've never used public transport? God what a lovely life they've lived

Boysey45 · 13/09/2019 09:48

I think the best solution here is that they sell the caravan. Its not on expecting family to do all that driving for basically a weekly holiday. I could see for a hospital appointment of something like that.

QueenoftheBiscuitTin · 13/09/2019 09:49

She's taking the piss by expecting you to drive that far twice a week. It's her own fault she couldn't be bothered to learn to drive.

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