My mum asking for lifts

[StormyLovesOdd]

Just want to know if I ABU as I feel a bit guilty about this.

My Mum is in her late 60's and can't drive. My step dad used to be able to drive but lost his licence earlier this year due to medical issues.

Mum and Step dad live a few miles away from me and also have a caravan 50 odd miles away, they used to go to their caravan half the week and stay at their house the rest of the time. When step dad lost his licence mum asked if me and my sister would mind taking them to the caravan now and then as they didn't want to loose it. We both said yes as we know how much mum enjoys her time there.

Fast forward 6 months..... I have lost my job, money is tight and our car is old. My sister has got a new job, she doesn't finish work now until 5pm.

Mum mentioned a few weeks ago that she didn't like asking my sister to take them to the caravan anymore as sis works long hours so could I take them AND pick them up. Mum gives me money for fuel plus an extra £5 for driving them but I'm worried about the wear and tear on the car. The way things are at the moment I can't afford to fix my car or buy another one if/when it packs up and the trips to the caravan are a 100 mile round trip twice a week.

I told mum I can't do this all the time because I'm worried about the car and she needs to ask sis to help too. Mum said she doesn't want to ask sis as she works really hard so if I can't take her she'll have to give up the caravan. Mum pointed out all the times she's helped me over the years and made me feel really guilty. Am I in the wrong?

Could your mum afford to buy you a new car ?

Mum isn't wealthy but she has never lived pay check to pay check either so I don't think she understands my worries about the car packing up.

I still think even driving THEIR car 200 miles each week is just totally unreasonable!
Why on earth do your parents think it’s okay to ask you to do this. Assuming they did ‘alot’ for you because they choose to, and were able to do so. It is blackmail to insist you somehow pay them back!

I would offer to take them once a month with your sister also driving once a month, so they go fortnightly now.

Absolutely no way would I commit to any more than that,

Your time is important.
Your car is important.
Your life is important.

Use your energy into getting a new job, retraining and sorting out your own life, you are allowing your parents to leach far too much time and energy. They are energy vampires. Reclaim your life op.

I don't understand why they returned their car when they use it for 200 miles a week? That's roughly 10,000 miles a year which i think is slightly above average? That was very foolish of them. They should return to leasing a car and letting you use it in return for you driving them to and from the caravan each week.

Why can’t they get a train and a cab/Uber? Like most people would.

This is too big an ask. It’s a major imposition. As a one off, I’d be delighted to do my parents this favour, but as a regular thing, there and back, I’d be pointing out just how unreasonable and imposing it is. It leaves you unable to make plans for the weekend.

If yo don’t feel you ca be this bullish (in the real world few of us say the classic mumnset mantra ‘sorrt this doesn’t work for me’) then create engagements : sorry I can’t drop you this/that weekend because we are out to dinner/seeing friends/ got theatre or cinema tickets. Sorry we can’t collect tha Sunday because we are seeing friends for Sunday lunch/are away for this weekend ourselves/insert activity of your choice. The mor you say it, the more they will realise that your life, quite rightly, doesn’t revolve around their chauffeur duties. It’s a completely unreasonable request.

It is to much OP life changes it is a big ask.
See where your sister can help, they need to reduce their caravan visits.

Great idea borrow their car.
Is it better than your car, would they not give you their car forever? It is the least I'd offer for a chauffeur service.

Op has already said they no longer have a car.

I'd tell them you can do it once a fortnight/month if that suits you. But no way should you be doing 200 miles per week. Their circumstances have changed - unfortunate for them. At their age health can deteriorate and it's something they have to accept and work around. They cannot expect that things will stay the same as before. Even if you had a great car you shouldn't be expected and guilted into driving the journey twice a week. If they want to continue using the caravan they need to find alternative transport for some of the journeys and then you can drive them when it suits you. If they travel back home on a weekend surely your sister can do that run. I'd definitely speak to her and ask her what her availability would be. She's already said she'll help.

They can't stay at the caravan the full week as my Step Dad has a hospital appointment he has to go to every week so has to go home for that

Can you compromise with doing it one week in every 3 or 4?

Say, Stepdad's appointment on Thursday.
Week 1: You/Dsis take them down Thursday evening.
Week 2: You/Dsis bring them back
Week 3: They stay at home.
Week 4: either as week 3 or return to week 1 of the cycle.

Expecting someone to do a 100 mile round trip every week is asking too much, let alone asking both of you.

Discuss it with your sister and then you both confront them and say ond week in 3 or 4 is what's on offer, end of. No discussion, this or nothing.

Ignore the vuilt tripping blackmail as I feel sure you have already repaid this debt in spades with your weekly trips.

Why on MN is any journey over 10 miles considered too much? 50 miles is 60/90 mins at worse. Absolutely no reason your sister couldn’t go after 5pm and bring them back.
Regardless of whether your mum has helped you out asking this twice a week is a cheek, they need to accept your DSD health has changed their lifestyle. They’ve paid the lease whether the caravan is used or not makes no difference.

They both sound completley and utterly pathetic to be honest. I always silently judge grown adults who've never learned to drive. Unless you have a health condition that prevents you from doing so, why wouldn't you want to learn? Its a like skill IMO.

As for never having got public transport?! That is astonishing! Never got a bus or a train or a taxi?! Beyond words!

See how much a taxi would be, someone who does airport transfers etc. I know we are about that distance from airport and transfer is £100 ish return. Could they do hospital appointment near caravan to save coming back. What will happen when you get a job, they must see it’s not realistic long term. Realistically It is the time for them to be thinking about sorting their life so they are somewhere public transport accessible.

Thanks all, you've given me the confidence to know I am not in the wrong here. I'm going to start by ringing my sister and see if we can go back to the original agreement and split the lifts between us.

I'm going to say that they also need to cut the trips down and maybe go once or twice a month instead of every week.

I'll also talk to Mum about contributing to fixing my car if it breaks down as that's my biggest concern. I think the caravan site closes at the end of October until Easter so at least there's only a few more weeks this year.

If your father had his car on a lease they can't be THAT hard up - suggest that they put that money towards helping you sort your car out if necessary. And what happens if you get another job?

100 mile round trip twice a week

No this is too much ! People have to adapt their lifestyles as they age and circumstances change . Don't feel bad !

Asking you to drive 200 miles every week in an old car which you can't afford to fix, is insane!

The fuel rate for a company car (assuming yours is between 1.4-2 litres) is 14p per mile for petrol. The fuel rate in your own private car is 45p per mile, plus an extra 5p per mile if you carry passengers. The reason why the private rate is so much higher is because it takes into account wear and tear (whereas a company car would be serviced and maintained for you).

Using those rates above - if you had a company car you'd get £28 a week. But if you use your own car, you'd get £100 a week - and the £72 difference is to cover wear and tear to your car and the fact that you are carrying passengers. So the extra fiver she's giving you isn't going anywhere near the actual cost.

Sounds like you need to have a conversation with your Mum and point out that emotional blackmail is a pretty shitty trick to pull. And that being asked to do this means that you are putting an extra 10,000 miles on your car every year, just to get her to a caravan!

I get that you want to support her and that being there makes her happy, but asking to go there every single week is just too much. I'd offer her a visit every month, and say that if she's determined to go there every week then she needs to buy her own car and learn to drive, or sort out trains and taxis.

Sounds like they can’t really afford the caravan
I think your mum is rude and arrogant to expect is much form you and as for guilt tripping you as well

Well tbh she needs a good bollocking !!

I am around your Mum's age. I would never make demands like this on my family. I have driven for years but I am not used to driving on motorways now and would be too nervous so I understand that she wouldn't learn to drive at this stage. They will just have to use public transport or accept that their lifestyle will change because of your step Dad's health. You have your own life to live. Tell them straight about your financial concerns re car etc and say you have other commitments on your time. They have done things for you because they are your parents, that doesn't entitle them to payback.

YNBU
But the fact that they just renew their lease without discussing with ye, their drivers/daughters if OK cos the transport fall on ye.
Crazy that this is ongoing every 2nd week 100 round trip If it was only for summer season and ye get use of it too that would be OK but constantly - nope.
Thought caravan sites would be closed during off season.
Is this a rural or beach site?
If it an all season site then either sell or rent their lease/caravan.
Or they find another driver or lease sharer to pay to ferry them or carpool etc to avoid family conflict.
The fact that it inaccessible to public transport and mom never learn drive is a joke what if there was an unexpected emergency or power cut, ran out of milk etc they expect ye to collect them from site at a drop of a hat. Not on. So unreasonable.

Yes ask them to re lease a car, or rent one. Don't get involved if they say you get it and we'll pay you back etc

I don't think it would be much wear and tear on the car. But it's a lot of time and effort for you. This season is nearly over, perhaps they could look at finding a caravan that is nearer for next year? It might have to be in a different type of area (lakeside rather than coastal, for example) but they'd still get away and may even be able to consider taxis.

Yeah I think this is unfair too. I do feel for your mum and stepdad as it must be awful to lose their independence in the way that they have, but they are asking too much of you here. It's not like it's just down the road, it's a long old journey.

At the end of this season I'd ask them to explore caravans closer, as you can't continue this level of driving.

@honey - you don't think 10,000 miles a year (aka average mileage) would cause much wear and tear on a car? So a 3 year old car would be the same as brand new?!

Don’t people drive anywhere these days? 100 mile round trip’s nothing. I used to do it to work, five days a week. And they’re hardly spoilt because they’ve never used public transport, most people who own cars don’t.

If the issue’s really the car, OP, focus on finding a solution to that. If the real issue is that you don’t want to do it, you need to just tell them.

I think even asking this is too much, 200 miles a week is ridiculous. They will have to adjust their lifestyle based on their circumstances, just like everyone else has to. I also wouldn't be asking them to reduce the number of trips, I would be telling them they have to.

I also think it is unfair to expect your sister to do the drive after work as well.

Sorry, but your mum sounds like a spoilt brat.

She has never had to take public transport, never learnt to drive, refuses now to learn to drive.

In spite of this, she still thinks she has the God-given right to spend half of every week in her holiday caravan 50 miles away instead of in her main home.

She expects you to sacrifice a huge amount of your time, energy and money so that she can go off on her weekly jollies (£5 per 100 miles will not even begin to cover the depreciation on your car, never mind your hour of driving time). This at a time when you are under financial and personal stress.

She signed up for ANOTHER YEAR AT THE SAME CARAVAN SITE, even knowing all of this.

She is insanely selfish. She is determined to have her luxuries at the expense of your necessities.