My mum asking for lifts

[StormyLovesOdd]

Just want to know if I ABU as I feel a bit guilty about this.

My Mum is in her late 60's and can't drive. My step dad used to be able to drive but lost his licence earlier this year due to medical issues.

Mum and Step dad live a few miles away from me and also have a caravan 50 odd miles away, they used to go to their caravan half the week and stay at their house the rest of the time. When step dad lost his licence mum asked if me and my sister would mind taking them to the caravan now and then as they didn't want to loose it. We both said yes as we know how much mum enjoys her time there.

Fast forward 6 months..... I have lost my job, money is tight and our car is old. My sister has got a new job, she doesn't finish work now until 5pm.

Mum mentioned a few weeks ago that she didn't like asking my sister to take them to the caravan anymore as sis works long hours so could I take them AND pick them up. Mum gives me money for fuel plus an extra £5 for driving them but I'm worried about the wear and tear on the car. The way things are at the moment I can't afford to fix my car or buy another one if/when it packs up and the trips to the caravan are a 100 mile round trip twice a week.

I told mum I can't do this all the time because I'm worried about the car and she needs to ask sis to help too. Mum said she doesn't want to ask sis as she works really hard so if I can't take her she'll have to give up the caravan. Mum pointed out all the times she's helped me over the years and made me feel really guilty. Am I in the wrong?

What about when you get a job too? What's going to happen then?

Mum said she doesn't want to ask sis as she works really hard so if I can't take her she'll have to give up the caravan

Sorry, but that's not nice; your DM could have made any of the suggestions others have here, but instead she's piled on the guilt to get exactly what she wants, exactly as she wants it

That's not the way life works, so well done on making your decision and make sure you stick to it when the inevitable manipulation ramps up

Upthread it was worked out as £100 per week. You could be a decent car for that not that I imagine they’d pay you. That said you need to be focusing your attention on getting a job, not placating a 70 yo toddler and her husband. If you weren’t tied to this, you could have perhaps got a job by now.

Your mother is BU not to ask the sister to share the load and ungrateful. Blackmailing you be listing things she did to help her own bloody child is out of order as well

She needs to go to the caravan on less visits but for longer periods.

And be able to financially assist if the car packs in.

Also just noticed that they've only recently renewed the lease on the caravan

I suspect I know the answer to this, but did they discuss this with you before they did it, bearing in mind what they hoped you'd be doing to get them to and fro?

There's a massive difference between 50 miles each way on a major A road/motorway and on country roads, for both time and tiredness/stress levels. 200 extra miles per week, is, as has been pointed out, an extra10,000 miles per year. EXTRA, as in on top of whatever OP does generally. So she could be doubling the annual mileage in an old car. It's not a brand new or 3 year old car we're talking about.

YANBU, OP. I'd agree some sort of compromise with your sister - you do it once or twice a month in her car, or your mum pays you the going rate, £100 per week so if something goes amiss with your car, you can afford to get it fixed. Even replacing tyres can be expensive and a struggle is you're not well off.

Yanbu and your dm shouldn't do that "all I've done for you" comment.

I've had that mys

Myself

Mum said she doesn't want to ask sis as she works really hard so if I can't take her she'll have to give up the caravan.

You see, at this stage I would have heard her say that she understood and was wondering what to do under the new circumstances.

This is exactly why women need to learn to drive! Have you suggested her learning? My grandmother learnt at 70 once she was widowed: an automatic licence was fine. Perhaps suggest you use your car to help her to learn...?

Anyway YADNBU

I can't believe the responses on here! She's your mum FFS!!

Yes twice a week is too much but talk to her and compromise. Ask for more money and cut back on the number of times. Have you told her about your financial worries?

OP, you're absolutely not in the wrong. it seems your mother and step-father haven't sat down with the rest of their family and discussed what is achievable as opposed to what they ideally want, now that they're less capable than when they were younger. This is the time for that discussion. Does your step-father have any children who should be involved?

Of course your priority has to be getting your new job, this shouldn't need to be said but obviously it does. Perhaps you will need to retrain for something else, go to college, commute a long way each day, or even move away. Whatever it is, you need to keep your car going as long as you can as you can't afford to lose or even repair it. Your mother and step-father don't know of stuff like going to the Job Centre every week and all those delights of modern life.

Approach this from the point of helping your mother and step-father plan for their future, including the possibility of one or both of them needing social care in the not-too-distant future. Any profits from the sale of the caravan should go be put away for future care costs.

I say this as a 72-year old who had to make this kind of decision nearly four years ago although a caravan wasn't involved. Public transport facilities was a very high priority as I can't drive any more. I decided what was most important to me, moved to a place where all my essential needs could be met and I could be independent. I achieved what was right for me, and it was right for my family too. We're all happy with my choices. Your mother needs to stop blackmailing you. I know this kind of blackmail; at age 13 it completely broke my relationship with my mother, and my parents' marriage.

You have nothing to feel guilty about. I wish you well.

Could your mum learn to drive?

Tell them to hire you a car and u will happily drive them there and back
Or buy you a new car

I think that you need to be assertive with your mum, as per previous posters. They also need to reflect the proper costs of the driving, including the wear and tear on your car, in the money they give you.

On another note, I honestly don't believe that the journey is 'impossible' by public transport. I suspect that there are trains or buses that would go there, especially if you took them to the station and they got a taxi at the other end. Put the destination into Google maps and click on the public transport button - I am often surprised by what it suggests.

At the very least they could get public transport back home again, so that they are arriving back to their own home and not needing to worry about buying supplies for the caravan or arriving on a remote site late in the day. They probably won't have much luggage to take either.

I have a relative who will not pay for a taxi or hire a car ever, so well into their late 70s they travelled to destinations as far afield as the USA by a combination of plane, coach, train and bus! They live somewhere pretty remote too.

if they were leasing the car there was a monthly payment for it so they have that money saved. I think they are v.unreasonable to expect you use your car for 200 miles a week journey.
Are you saying that it would be up to your mum to reimburse you and not your step-dad? Ultimately they don't have to go there if they can't afford it.

I’m just trying to think of other options that haven’t been raised.

How about you joining a car club in the nearest big city and using their car to ferry your mum to the caravan once a week. Membership and car hire is from a fiver. Dead cheap. They stay up there a week they stay down here a week. That’s only one journey a week for you. It’s a compromise for them but nae luck. That’s what life is full of, although your mum doesn’t seem au fait with that.

Or investigate public transport more fully. And go on it with them to show them what to do and where to catch the bus. So if they want to come back early or whatever they can. There will be buses. Locals will need them. Probably through the town centre of the nearest town so they may have to get a taxi there first to catch a bus. But as they are saving £150+ on not renting a car anymore they will have enough money to do that. Up here in Scotland we have My Bus. Which I believe is to give access to local disabled people to travel in the local area on routes there are no buses currently available on. I dont know if they have that where you are but if so they could arrange that for part of the journey? You book in advance and they aren’t always reliable so I’ve heard though it’s worth investigating?

What will they do when you start working again? Ask them and see what they say. And out that plan into operation now! Don’t let them hold you back in your life and career. Same for your sister. Your mum is a non driver so won’t understand how tiring it is. She has no excuse for not learning. Perhaps you could take her to one of the teen driving lesson things that they do in car parks round the country and get her a shot in an automatic. You don’t need a licence as it’s on private ground not a road and it may give her confidence to try lessons. Although tbh I think she will dismiss that idea the same as anything else that means she has to do more and others do less as she has become a bit thoughtless and spoiled, sorry OP.

just a note on public transport

when I got rid of my car, I heard endless wails - some from my parents! - of "you can't get to x y z on public transport". In all cases I've found I can! If it's remote, it involves a taxi from a station, sure, but that's much cheaper and less stressful than the whole car thing anyway.

Your mother is being totally unreasonable.

Just ran into a woman that I know vaguely, with children, from an activity our children used to do together.

She was telling me that her DD is now attending an advanced level in a sport about 30 minutes drive away.

It's week 4 of the new class and she said that the other mother she asked to take her DD with her, never bothered to collect her for the class yesterday.
Her DD was very upset.
Woman was a bit outraged.

Turns out my neighbour signed her DD up for classes, 30 minutes drive away, and expected this other mother to do every trip as my neighbour doesn't like driving on the motorway!

Wtf.....she signed her DD up for classes that she won't drive her to, on the assumption that this other woman would do all the driving.

She was genuinely 😲 when I told her " I'd imagine this woman is not happy with doing all driving and thinks you are being presumptuous".

I find such a complete lack of awareness extraordinary.

Send her links to a local taxi firm.
She is a cf.

@Elieza, OP’s mum has a very valid reason for not learning to drive - she’s 69, ffs!

@Alsohuman
Yeah point taken, she is of retirement age. I thought she was 60. Didn’t notice she was older.

I would also point out that many people traditionally think that retired people are basically done-in and incapable of learning new skills, but nowadays many of us will be expected to still be in full time employment at 67. That’s only a couple of years younger than the Mum in this thread!!

For example when a teacher is that age in the future she will still be expected to work full time, run around after a class of children, embrace new technology when it emerges and even harder teach it, etc. Roofers and brickies will still be expected to climb up ladders and lift heavy tools or materials and be physically fit. It’s a bit scary tbh.

So I think we have to accept that anyone of any age is as capable as they choose to be if doing what they want within the confines of health issues obv. Fair enough if this Mum has memory issues or something. I think the issues she would face are more around not wanting to try, lack of confidence and not wanting to do something someone else could do for her as she has become accustomed to that in certain areas of her life.

My 72 year old neighbour has just joined the gym! He’s never exercised in his life so that’s a major change. And we hear of some elderly people sky diving and all sorts.

Times they are a changing. Age is no longer the barrier it used to be providing individuals are in good health. Hope I am at that age!

Could they pay for a lease car for you. If your stepdad was paying for one for himself before he had to give up driving, he must have been able to afford it.

I think the ‘car might have left the garage’ on the topic of her learning to drive. I agree to a certain extent regarding lifelong learning, but driving is an area of learning with particular risks. If someone learns some new software at age 69 and gets it a bit wrong, they aren’t risking a multi-car pileup. Besides, she appears to be rather lacking in the ‘get up and go’ and positive mindset that would be needed to begin learning an entirely new skillset, when she probably hasn’t applied herself to learning anything new for a while....