My mum asking for lifts

[StormyLovesOdd]

Just want to know if I ABU as I feel a bit guilty about this.

My Mum is in her late 60's and can't drive. My step dad used to be able to drive but lost his licence earlier this year due to medical issues.

Mum and Step dad live a few miles away from me and also have a caravan 50 odd miles away, they used to go to their caravan half the week and stay at their house the rest of the time. When step dad lost his licence mum asked if me and my sister would mind taking them to the caravan now and then as they didn't want to loose it. We both said yes as we know how much mum enjoys her time there.

Fast forward 6 months..... I have lost my job, money is tight and our car is old. My sister has got a new job, she doesn't finish work now until 5pm.

Mum mentioned a few weeks ago that she didn't like asking my sister to take them to the caravan anymore as sis works long hours so could I take them AND pick them up. Mum gives me money for fuel plus an extra £5 for driving them but I'm worried about the wear and tear on the car. The way things are at the moment I can't afford to fix my car or buy another one if/when it packs up and the trips to the caravan are a 100 mile round trip twice a week.

I told mum I can't do this all the time because I'm worried about the car and she needs to ask sis to help too. Mum said she doesn't want to ask sis as she works really hard so if I can't take her she'll have to give up the caravan. Mum pointed out all the times she's helped me over the years and made me feel really guilty. Am I in the wrong?

hours of driving time. Not hour!

@Bibidy
50 miles is not a long journey!
Is this a MN thing? Anywhere outside of your own town is journey needing planned with stops and snacks🙄

For goodness sake @Ambisextre, OP’s mum is in her late 60s. That’s when some people tend to think about giving up driving, not taking it up!

I'm in your mother's age group and I'd never ask my AC's to do things like this. Your parents are adults who can and should alter their lifestyle according to their circumstances. Stepfather has lost his license and DM can't drive ....so they need to change their expectations .

Asking you to drive them every week "because they like going there" is ridiculously demanding. If they like going, they can and should make other arrangements like an Uber. Just because they are not used to doing things like that, doesn't mean that they can't change and do something new .

I'd suggest taking them once a month , no more. They are not children who must be pandered to for the sake of peace - they are adults who can and should accept that life has changed, and they need to change their expectations.

@howlovely it's actually good for a car to do a decent drive. Especially motorway. (according to my mechanic husband). I do 500 miles three times a month in my 12 year old car without any problems. And yes a 3 year old car with 10,000 miles a year on it will work just as well as a new car, it will just cost you a lot less.

What does your mum plan to do if you get another job? What she is asking is far too much, no matter what help she has given you in the past. Even if the car wasn't an issue, there's no way I'd be shipping my parents to and from a caravan every week. If I was feeling generous I might agree to once a month! YANBU at all.

OP, in the nicest possible way, your priority now is to get you a job. Preferably one with lovely variable shifts. You get money to replace . fix your car and buy your some security. They have to sort out their own solution to getting to the caravan as both mum's DDs are now working.

Is there a reason why your mum couldn't learn to drive? I think they're failing to recognise how much the round trip is impacting on you and your car.

It's good you're going to stick up for yourself.

100 mile round trip’s nothing. I used to do it to work, five days a week

Well I hope that wasn't a choice, but a job that was more local and then moved. Actively choosing to do that much mileage every week is a recipe for an accident through being tired.

Only on MN do people think driving long distances is nothing. It also depends on the roads, and OP has said this caravan park is in the sticks so presumably not just a mile or two off a motorway or trunk road.

If it's only a few more weeks OP I would say you'll do once every two weeks. And then you have the winter to come up with a better plan. Them buying you a new(er) car would seem like a good solution (and hopefully you'll have a new job very soon too, and then you won't feel as stressed about the car breaking down). The only downside of them buying you a new car is that they might then expect you to be a taxi service all the time.

Who takes your step-dad to the hospital every week?

That’s when some people tend to think about giving up driving, not taking it up

Hardly, 60s isn't old. But it is old to learn to drive. I don't think anyone starts thinking they are too old to drive at that age though. 69 isn't 89!

Doing 100 mile round trips for yourself is fine.

Doing them repeatedly for other people who don't pay the going rate and seem to think they are 'owed' it, is another.

Can they sublease the caravan? Point out to your mum that this is all going to have to stop if (when) you get another job. What were they going to do if you hadn't lost your job? How were they going to get to the van then? Because that's what they need to do now.

They are being entitled and just plain nasty bringing up past assistance.

100 mile round trips twice a week is ridiculous. "Now and then" would imply once a month to me, not all the damned time.

They chose to renew the caravan. That's their problem, not yours. Stand up for yourself, OP. You deserve better treatment than this.

berlinbabylon I am c69. I drive locally but I have lost confidence with motorways and busy cities. I think I am no longer a good judge of speed and distance so it is sensible not to do it. I completely understand OP's mother not learning to drive now but I think she is a selfish CF who needs to accept that life has changed.

I think 50 miles is a long journey to do yourself- as a favour to someone else, no way.

They may have leased it for another but what about the increased costs in getting there?

Of course you don’t want to do it, nor should you be pressured into doing it.

Sorry, I haven't read the whole thread, but the bit about your mum pointing out all the times she's helped you over the years really got to me. She's your mum, of course she has! Being a mother isn't about having kids so you can make sure you have someone to do things for you in the future. It's about giving them unconditional love and support, getting them ready to make their own way in the world and be their own people with their own lives (i.e. not running after you all the time). It might be different if she was very elderly and needed lots of physical help, but as far as I can see it's only the driving that's an issue.

50 miles is not a long journey!

In that case it'll be easy for them to make their own way there, won't it?

@berlinbabylon, not that it’s any of your business but my 100 mile round trip commute was entirely through choice. It wasn’t onerous, just tedious. Most people can manage to drive for an hour or so at a time without being exhausted.

“I think I am no longer a good judge of speed and distance so it is sensible not to do it”

I stopped at around 30 as I have a few medications and my brain just didn’t process things the same way. My sister never drove because she has no judgement of the above whatsoever. I hate it when people suggest someone drives when they really shouldn’t. If OP mum has never done it, I wouldn’t start now unless she’s a natural who just never had a chance to learn.

200 miles a week is CF territory.

Is there a coach service that could drop them nearby?

Your sister finishes work at 5 (lucky her!)-has she she even been asked if she'd drive after work?

If not then a weekend?

I think that your mum is asking too much tbh.

Oh. Just seen it's in the sticks.

WTF have they renewed it when they can't get to it under their own steam? If you and your sis want to help them out they're either going to have to go less often or stay for longer. If they want to keep on with present arrangements they're going to have to strike a deal with a taxi firm. You, OP are not said taxi firm.

I think she is being unreasonable and I think it is mean to try to emotionally blackmail you by saying she's done so much for you over the years.

I think it's very unfair of her to expect you to drop them off and pick them up. Obviously you're not working at the moment but presumably you are looking for a job and hoping to start work again soon, in which case you won't have any more time to be dropping them off and picking them up than your sister does now.
I can imagine it being an absolute pain for your sister as well - she finishes work at 5 pm and would then have to drive 50 miles and back again after a long day at work.
I think they are asking too much of both of you.

You should keep telling her it doesn't work for you - it is too far for you to drive there and back twice a week, it's causing wear and tear on the car, you're looking for work but money is tight so you can't afford the car to pack up, the 5 quid isn't enough to cover the expenses associated with dropping them off.

They have a few options (but all would mean them having to compromise a bit which they don't seem to want to)

1. The driving continues to be shared with your sister and they ask her to pick them up from the caravan
2. They change their days at the caravan so that the pick up or drop off can be done by your sister at the weekend.
3. They pay you significantly more for you to do both
4. They go to the caravan every other week and you do both pick up and drop off - this means you are still doing the same amount of driving as you were before your sister got the new job.
5. Mum and stepdad go to the caravan "now and then" as they originally stated when they first asked you and sister to take them. Once a week is not "now and then"

What is not an option is you driving 200 miles every week for 5 quid.
They can choose one of the options - or any other option you think is appropriate. If they don't wish to do this, then the alternative is for them to stay at home and not go to the caravan. If neither of them are going to be able to drive again then perhaps they should consider not having the caravan any more as this saga is just going to go on and on.

What are they going to do when you get a new job anyway? They should start thinking about this. I know it's not that easy to get a job these days but sometimes things come up quickly. You don't mention whether you and DSIS have children - what if you both start families? How are you supposed to drive back and forth to the caravan then.

It's ridiculous. Put your foot down. Do not be emotionally blackmailed.

A hundred miles round trip seems a long journey to me, particularly if much of it is on rural roads. It takes us just under an hour to get to our nearest town, 28 miles away.
I agree this is a bit much to do twice every week. Twice a month maybe, so one complete stay. Maybe your sister could do one stay, and they could then go to the caravan twice a month ?
If you wouldn’t mind the driving, it is just the car, then they need to lease a car again for you. If it all seems a lot, then maybe the above.
When you get a new job it will all have to be re-thought anyway.

I think your Mum is feeling vulnerable because of SD’s health, and so is leaning on you more.

Depending on what day of the week your step-dad's appointment is, could your sister not take them on a Saturday or Sunday, and then you pick them up? But disregarding the logistics, I think what your mother is asking is too much. What will happen when you get a job? As she has never driven, it's probable that your mother doesn't fully appreciate what that 200 mile round trip twice a week will entail for you. I think they should lease a car for your use. She may have helped you out over the years, many mothers do that without expecting payback. What does your step-dad say about it all?

It’s not a 200 mile round trip twice a week, it’s a 100 mile round trip.