Aibu to think my step son is being taken advantage of

[bluetown]

So have name changed for this.

My DH divorced six years ago and we've been married for four. Financial settlement was agreed; ex wife kept the house (no mortgage) 40% of his pension which she can draw down now if she wants, spousal maintenance of £400 pcm until DH is 60 and £400 pcm for each child ((2). When the children attain the age of 18 the £400 is paid direct to the child. Step son is 18 in October and mum is saying all £400 had to be given to her. He thinks that he should pay something but wants to save for uni.

I accept that the cost of feeding/housing/clothing him hasn't changed but think he ought to start planning his future. SS is a gentle boy and doesn't want to do the wrong thing but he's asked for advice and we unsure what would be a reasonable amount for him to pay.

Both children spend alternating weekends with us, two evenings per week and half the school holidays.

Any ideas?

So is your DH now paying his son £400 a month rather than ExW?

I am assuming SS is now being given the £400 and his DM is asking him to hand it over for ‘board’
I agree and think it’s too much
DS who lives at home and is working pays £250 by mutual agreement
I would suggest SS gives his DM £200 but pays things himself eg phone contract if she currently pays that
When he goes to university he should stop paying altogether he will need the £400!

Yep SS is 18 in October so the £400 will be paid direct to him from now and n.

And n should read now on!

I kind of agree with the ex. She is still paying for his food, bills, clothing etc. and is now £400 per month worse off which is a lot!

My parents weren't separated but they didn't start randomly giving me hundreds of pounds a month when I turned 18. I had to get a job - maybe your step son should do that?

If he doesn't want ex to have any of the money, your husband could keep the £400 pcm in a savings account and give it to him as a lump sum towards house deposit / wedding / car purchase in the future.

Thanks Beanbag. Mum has had six years to plan. We all think that's it fair SS should pay something. He does have a part time job which pays for his phone, bus fare to sixth form etc

I think losing child maintenance whilst one of your children is still in further education will come as a hit as her outgoings won’t be changing and you don’t really get to say no I don’t agree to that. You either agree and stay or disagree and move out.

presumably she is feeding him and clothing him and housing him?
I think there is probably a sensible middle ground.
In those circumstances it would also depend how sensible my child was with money. If they were going to burn their way through it then it is better she keeps it for stuff they need.

Yes, we are looking for a middle ground that means SS and his mum both feel they are being fair to each other whilst preparing for the future. In 12 months it won't be an issue as he will be off to uni and days he will be spending the uni hols with us.

Says not days - fat fingers!

While in FT education I don't think he should pay much. Maybe £50-£100pcm.
But I also think he should buy his own clothes etc.

He's gonna need this money when he goes to uni, she sounds like she doesn't want to lose the income tbh

I would say at least half and half. My teen DS costs £200 a month in food alone as he eats double what I do.

Really this is bad drafting of the consent order as I would not have accepted an arrangement that did not continue till the August after age 18 and it causes tension as you are now finding.

YABU referencing her pension as this is her retirement income for the next thirty years, it's not intended to be drawn down and spent at this point in events

I think it would be fair to base it on how much extra the SS is costing by being there, and dividing it by 2 (as there are 2 parents)

So if it’s costing £300 a month for additional bills, clothing, food etc I think he should pay £150, effectively in lieu of his father’s contribution, with the other £150 notionally coming from his mother. I don’t think he should pay rent / board in his own right while he’s (presumably) still in sixth form, parents should support them at this stage.

As far as I am aware child maintenance is paid to the parent until the child has left school. As dss is in 6th form it should be paid to his mum until he has finished

I also think it should still be going to the ex until alevels are over.

How long til your DH hits 60?

The ex-wife had a mortgage free house, will get 40% of his pension, receives £400/month for herself plus £800/month for the 2 children. She started her post-divorce life in a damn sight better position than most of the divorcees you read about on here.

Has she even worked post-divorce? She has been given a huge amount of help with which she could've built a decent financial future for herself.
With no mortgage, £1600/month should have at least covered childcare on a return to work and possibly some of the bills.
A father playing an active role in his children's lives - having the children 2 evenings a week, EOW & half of the school holidays would've helped with her life, both personally and work-wise.

Without that £400 a month for one of her children, she's hardly going to be living on the breadline.. If she's complaining about money then she's being a CF - she had a bloody good financial post-divorce start and if she's fucked things up then on her own shoulders be it!

Your DH should give £350/month to his son & a token £50/month to his ex-wife for when your stepson is at her house. Presumably he will still visit his father during the holidays, again alleviating financial 'stress' on her.

The stories I've read on Mumsnet about life for mothers post-divorce have made me weep at times. I'm watching friends of mine battle wanker ex-husbands & partners who don't want to give up either money or time for their children. This woman deserves a bloody good slap and a large dose of reality.

I'm surprised it is going to him now,his circumstances haven't changed bar being 18. Surely it would have made more sense for it to change when he leaves home for university? At the moment he is still at home, costing her the same.

What @Jocasta2018 said

I was in the middle of typing a very similar post!

I think Copper trolley is thinking along the same lines as us.

Financial order was to mum until age 18 then direct to child until end of first degree.

Which sounds like it is intended to support them through uni. He isn't there yet.

Yes Jocasta has it spot on too I fear.

Mum works 11-2 term time only in a nursery as she wants to be home to support the children (age 14 and 18).
Im trying not to focus on what I think of her but just don't want SS to be taken advantage of.

Husbands Ex has a bloody good thing going on there and is being a greedy cow wanting to take all of the money off her son. Does she even work? You say SS works so he has been making an effort to earn some money himself. She should let him keep at least half.

I am a little torn with this one.

When my DD went to Uni her dad stopped the child maintenance and paid it directly to her, which is what we had agreed many years ago. It was the right and proper thing to do. I wouldn't have agreed however for him to stop maintenance whilst she was still living at home, even if she was 18.

I think this is the crux of the issue - the financial order should have stated when he left to go to Uni, not when he turned 18 and still lived at home. He has almost a year to go until he leaves for Uni.

Agree with @Jocasta2018

DSS should get to keep the money, it’s rightfully his by law.

@bluetown

Shock horror as divorce agreements reflect the net worth of the married couple and seek to split the overall assets fairly. A judge would not have signed off on the agreement made if it was obviously unfair to one party. That is a fact.

What if the ex-H is worth £1m and brings home £6k a month?

Suggesting any woman deserves a good slap for receiving her fair share of marital assets leaves me