Aibu to think my step son is being taken advantage of

[bluetown]

So have name changed for this.

My DH divorced six years ago and we've been married for four. Financial settlement was agreed; ex wife kept the house (no mortgage) 40% of his pension which she can draw down now if she wants, spousal maintenance of £400 pcm until DH is 60 and £400 pcm for each child ((2). When the children attain the age of 18 the £400 is paid direct to the child. Step son is 18 in October and mum is saying all £400 had to be given to her. He thinks that he should pay something but wants to save for uni.

I accept that the cost of feeding/housing/clothing him hasn't changed but think he ought to start planning his future. SS is a gentle boy and doesn't want to do the wrong thing but he's asked for advice and we unsure what would be a reasonable amount for him to pay.

Both children spend alternating weekends with us, two evenings per week and half the school holidays.

Any ideas?

If he's still living at home and getting all his food, clothing, house maintenance etc. paid then I think he should give the money to his mum. Once he leaves out, it's his. Or he can choose to move out now and rent somewhere else. I expect his mum gives him allowance money from this yes? So even if he gave her the £400, some would come back to him. I guess she also still maybe pays for activities? Does she take him on holiday and pay for that?

Regardless of what was agreed in the divorce settlement, she could apply to the CSA (or whatever it is called now) and get payment through them until the end of the summer holiday.

How much she would get could be more than what he is paying now so if tread carefully.

I think it will be best to continue paying her until the end of the school year, that will avoid conflict that will lead nowhere.

It is then up to your oh to decide what he pays his son directly.

This woman is going to have a shock when she turns 60, not eligible for state pension yet. Hopefully for her, she'll be able to sell the house and buy something smaller.

I do find it shocking that in these days and age, women can still get so much off their husband when they had the luxury of being sahm, especially once the kids started school.

I'll definitely advise my son of being wary of marrying someone who expects to be a sahp forever!

He thinks that he should pay something but wants to save for uni.

Of course he thinks that. You're encouraging him to. Any eighteen-year-old will claim that they want to 'save'. Given the level of maintenance my guess is that his father will be paying university fees and supporting him through college. This is all about getting at the ex-wife because 'she's had it too good'.

We have no way of knowing if the ex took five investment properties, a holiday home, private jet and several million in the bank. If he did then this settlement is hardly generous!

I guess my imagination doesn't naturally extend to that kind of privilege

I'm surprised she gets 40% of his pension when he earns 80K though. I suppose I could see it happening if he were a squillionaire, but that seems like a rough arrangement on him, especially since OP said the idea was that she'd use the support settlement to establish financial independence. I suppose depending on her age she may not have much of a chance to build a decent pension though.

people need to realise that marriage is not a financial guarantee for your future.

Women need to realise that having children has no impact whatsoever on a man's career, but has a huge impact on most women's.

Could he perhaps have a chat with his mother about wanting to have a little more independence and being responsible for a number of things for himself (clothes, things he needs for sixth form etc) and be a tad more responsible for his own outgoings, £400 is a lot in my mind to charge for room and board but not a lot when you add all outgoings that a 18 year old boy will have if she can agree to only take room and board and let him work his own costs out by himself for three months and see how he does
( £30 a week is what my parents charged me once I had finished college and was working for room and board and that was 16 years ago, around £50 a week sounds perfectly acceptable to me)

juells I'm really not inserting myself between my SS and his mum. He's asked for advice and we are just trying to think what that advice could look like.
At the end of the day he will make the decision but asking for what would be fair seems a good thing to do. Is that so wrong?

Bit of a leap Juells. OP has repeatedly said she considers the settlement to have been fair, and that her husband agrees.

I'm in Ireland where DH had to support his child to the age of 23 as long as she was in full time education. She was still at school at 18 so he continued to pay Her mother. When she went to University he transferred money to her although she was still living at home for her to sort out board etc with her mother. I thought that was fair.

£80000 after tax is hardly a vast sum. It's ridiculous he's providing for an ex wife right up to pension age and beyond, particularly as she's been given a mortgage free house. Popping a couple of kids out shouldn't give women an excuse to sit on their arses and rely on their ex husband for handouts for the rest of their days.

He's asked for advice and we are just trying to think what that advice could look like.
At the end of the day he will make the decision but asking for what would be fair seems a good thing to do. Is that so wrong?

My advice would be putting £200 into savings for him and then giving him the other £200 is the best route. Then he can make an arrangement with his mum out of that £200 and anything else he earns, whilst still retaining some for uni.

@QuimReaper overall assets were split 50/50. Pensions are marital assets like anything else.

So the exW has had 6 years to plan for her DC reaching this age, she only works 12 hours a week with 14,18 year old DC, no mortgage and probably claiming UC due to low pay plus £1200pm maintenance. She has had ample time to find a better paid job, I think she’s more than likely used to this easy lifestyle. If DSS is off to uni next year she’ll need to get used to the loss of £400pm. No mother needs to work to accommodate DC of that age, ridiculous.

I’m sorry Op I’m actually shocked she got the house & 40% of his pension. Does anyone think a man would get this off a woman? Maybe I’m wrong but I am shocked. However I have no experience in this area? Why should DH give £400 to his son? He’s 18 no longer a minor? Sorry for alll the Q op x

Women need to realise that having children has no impact whatsoever on a man's career, but has a huge impact on most women's

it doesn't have to, nobody HAS to be a SAHP.

My career hasn't been impacted at all because I went back to work after 9 months maternity leave and used a nursery.

@RubbingHimSourly that's the husbands problem. He agreed to that divorce settlement.

@AmIThough that's the husbands problem. He agreed to that divorce settlement.

He did, and so did their mum when she agreed that at 18 the money would go to the children instead of her. She is wrong to try and retain the £400 by taking it from her son now.

ExW needs a job.

What an awful mother. Stealing from her child.

If she needs more money she should work longer hours. Lazy mare.

@bibidy that sounds like a good solution. I will mention that to him.

I really didn't want this thread to turn into a discussion about marital assets but all assets were split 50/50 and, as in any divorce, there will be financial loss on both sides.

I'm not criticising his mum, she is free to do whatever she wishes, as as her son.

Completely agree with Jacosta. The children aren't young, she's being funded by her ex husband when many women have to start over with nothing. She's got the luxury of the financial security of a husband without the husband. Losing a bit of maintenance that will benefit the eldest in a different way now that he's older shouldn't affect her as she's already got a lot of financial fallback.

@BadBehaviour Of course a woman would get part of a pension as a divorce settlement.
For most people pensions are the biggest asset they have. It is usual for pensions to be taken into account by courts. They did not used to be, which is why so many older divorced women are in poverty.

It was agreed via the court that SS should get the £400 per month once he turns 18, that was what was agreed, so that's what should happen. If his Mum decides to start charging him rent etc, or tell him he buys his own clothes, uni etc out of that, that's between them.

OP if the DS has really asked for your advice, my answer would be that he needs to talk to his mum about this. But I would point out that she if went back to the courts she would get some financial support for his costs.
But I think this is none of your business and that your interest is being drive by how you feel about the ex wife.
I am also really surprised that a nursery would employ someone from 11-2 pm, that makes no real sense at all from their point of view for child/staff ratios, so I would suspect that you do not know the real situation.

@RubbingHimSourly £80k after tax is a large wage. You don't know and neither do I the details of the financial settlement. But as the OP and her DP considers it to have been fair, the chances are that there were other assets that the DP kept.
Also spousal maintenance is usual when a couple have together built up a business, but going forward they can't work together divorced to keep it going. I am not saying this is what has happened here, but the reality neither of us have a clue why spousal maintenance was awarded. It is not normally awarded unless there are very good reasons for it.