Aibu to think my step son is being taken advantage of

[bluetown]

So have name changed for this.

My DH divorced six years ago and we've been married for four. Financial settlement was agreed; ex wife kept the house (no mortgage) 40% of his pension which she can draw down now if she wants, spousal maintenance of £400 pcm until DH is 60 and £400 pcm for each child ((2). When the children attain the age of 18 the £400 is paid direct to the child. Step son is 18 in October and mum is saying all £400 had to be given to her. He thinks that he should pay something but wants to save for uni.

I accept that the cost of feeding/housing/clothing him hasn't changed but think he ought to start planning his future. SS is a gentle boy and doesn't want to do the wrong thing but he's asked for advice and we unsure what would be a reasonable amount for him to pay.

Both children spend alternating weekends with us, two evenings per week and half the school holidays.

Any ideas?

Sorry not @bluetown should be @Jocasta2018

Jesus... still paying for child maintenance when they go turn 18? My Dad didnt offer any financial support whatsoever after I'd turned 18 hes a prick

An agreement about this would be good. Perhaps exw can put together a basic 'this is what I need to get him through food and bills each month' kind of thing? Though it sounds like she's got it pretty cushdie with a part time 3 hour job at a nursery so why would she want to do that.

Tricky OP. Would appealing to her better sense of nature help on this? SS needs to save and learn to save before uni (a skill I never had at that age)

Are you gonna take him in if he’s being taken advantage of then OP?

Oh OP I see you are agreeing she needs a good slap.

What assets and income did your husband come out of the divorce with? I see you are very keen to tell us all about her personal circumstances, what about your husband's?

I will repeat that a Judge needs to sign off a divorce agreement including arrangements for spousal maintenance and a judge would not sign off an obviously unfair agreement.

@Plasebeafleabite

Suggesting any woman deserves a good slap for receiving her fair share of marital assets leaves me shock

Yeah, God forbid a woman should have a comfortable life, it's right that she should struggle because she was an unfit wife. 🙄 The judgey low expectations for other women are quite upsetting.

I kind of agree with the ex. She is still paying for his food, bills, clothing etc. and is now £400 per month worse off which is a lot!

OP Sorry but she knew maintenance was going to stop when the kids turn 18, she should have planned for that. It's awful that she would want to take that money from her own son rather than increasing her hours at work.

Tbh it's totally ridiculous that she's getting spousal support, your DH is literally having to pay for her like she's another child! She's lucky she's getting that. She needs to live in the real world and get a different job, her kids are old enough and she's been living off your OH for long enough.

So the marital assets were split 50/50 and so was fair to both parties.

Yes we'd be happy for both children to live with us but everyone is content with the current arrangement. Apart from the changing financial situation that is.

Tbh it's totally ridiculous that she's getting spousal support, your DH is literally having to pay for her like she's another child! She's lucky she's getting that. She needs to live in the real world and get a different job, her kids are old enough and she's been living off your OH for long enough.

FFS mind your own business and stop encouraging the OP to start rocking the boat.

What he is being expected to pay for? I dont know any 18 year olds who still have their mummy buy their clothes for them. Sometimes they might have contributions to cars or car insurance or be on the family phone plan. Predominately it would be a bit of keep. What does SS think? Does he see that it is unfair. Your DH may be better off not giving any maintenance (as it can technically stop anyway) and then buying the items SS needs.

She started her post-divorce life in a damn sight better position than most of the divorcees you read about on here

Not relevant. The OP's DH agreed to this at the time so he thought it was fair. Upkeep of children isn't suddenly free at age 18. (and indeed when they go to Uni they are only away for 30 weeks. There's still a cost when they are home. Think of the outcry if you let out the student son's bedroom?!) £400 pcm is a lot of pocket money for a sixth former.

If you think it's unfair why don't you top up the DSS's money?

Yeah, God forbid a woman should have a comfortable life, it's right that she should struggle because she was an unfit wife. 🙄 The judgey low expectations for other women are quite upsetting.

Surely there comes a time when a woman has to take responsibility for herself and not rely on her ex to bank roll her into her children's adulthood??

There is no reason someone whose kids are 14 and 18 needs to work 3 hours a day and term-time only! And then on top of that take money from her own son so she can continue to work minimally.

Because she was left in a mortgage free house, she should only take what he costs to live there.

My Adult DD still lives with me and that's our arrangement (and most other people i know).

I don't take what i would pay for anyway, such as Internet, TV Licence, cleaning stuff etc.

She buys her own food, pays, her share of heating/electricity. Then she sorts out her clothes and personal stuff.

I'm not petty, I'll treat us to a takeaway or a bottle of wine etc.

She should have been planning for this.

Does the 14 year old need the extra support of her working so little?

How well off is your DH?

Sorry I wasn't saying she deserves a good slap. I don't want to cause any trouble in an otherwise very settled situation.

Husband moved in with me when we got together (, no I wasn't the OW, in case anyone is thinking that). Previously he was renting on his own. I was a widow and owned own home with financially independent children.

Just really want to support SS in moving on with the next stage of his life without rocking the boat.

FFS mind your own business

@juells - Mind your own business???? Not sure that works on an internet forum where the poster has asked for opinions

Blimey she got a got deal didn't she, perhaps she should now get a proper job.

Could you or does it not work it in a similar way to the Child Benefit? That usually only ends in the August after DC turn 18, as they're still in non-advanced education anyway.

I've just updated them about my DD and she turns 19 in July 2020, and her CB will be paid until August 2020 (unless she continues non-advanced education obviously).

The costs etc don't change when the DC immediately hits 18.

Apologies if I've missed any updates, cross posts etc.

If you think it's unfair why don't you top up the DSS's money?

So OP's DH continues to pay the £400, which his mum then takes, but he also should be paying on top of that so DSS has some money?? Even though he should have that £400?!

Bibidy, i think the wealth of the father makes a difference.

It is a dilemma, do the children (via their mother) get to share that wealth and lifestyle?

Nothing has changed until he goes to uni so why not keep the arrangement the same until then, except she is suddenly £400 down with exactly the same outgoings.

smilethoyourheartisbreaking i suppose it boils down to whether the wealth is seen as shared once married and if that should still be shared so their isn't a disparity in lifestyles between homes.

As examples, Heather Mills divorcing Paul Mccartney or if Colleen divorced Rooney. Should she be dropped back on her arse in a Norris Green Council House?

Why should she have planned for her ex to stop supporting the living costs of his son while he was still in full time education? Of course your dh should continue to pay a share of these costs. If he wants to give money direct to his son then that is up to him but he should still be picking up his share of day-to-day expenses. Or were you expecting the Ds to move out of his mother’s house the day he turned 18?

I think if your kid is still at school then it's outrageous to charge board. Plenty of women raise kids without spousal maintenance, no rent and child maintenance.

Paul Hollywoods ex wife is another example.

Should a wealthy man be able to walk away and leave his ex struggling?

I would expect ss to give £200 a month until he goes to uni. Then the money is his. If he stays at his mum's during uni holidays he should give at least £50 a week towards his upkeep. The ex has had plenty of time to adjust to the change in her financial circumstances and quite frankly should be better prepared. Might be worth her looking at increasing her working hours? Really not up to your husband to subsidise her forever.