Aibu to think my step son is being taken advantage of

[bluetown]

So have name changed for this.

My DH divorced six years ago and we've been married for four. Financial settlement was agreed; ex wife kept the house (no mortgage) 40% of his pension which she can draw down now if she wants, spousal maintenance of £400 pcm until DH is 60 and £400 pcm for each child ((2). When the children attain the age of 18 the £400 is paid direct to the child. Step son is 18 in October and mum is saying all £400 had to be given to her. He thinks that he should pay something but wants to save for uni.

I accept that the cost of feeding/housing/clothing him hasn't changed but think he ought to start planning his future. SS is a gentle boy and doesn't want to do the wrong thing but he's asked for advice and we unsure what would be a reasonable amount for him to pay.

Both children spend alternating weekends with us, two evenings per week and half the school holidays.

Any ideas?

Mum works a cook in the nursery.

My feelings towards her are nothing to do with it.

But I would point out that she if went back to the courts she would get some financial support for his costs

she would, until he finished school. And then she and DS would be owed nothing by the ex husband / dad.

So if she did go to CMS she would be doing her own child a massive disservice.

Okay if you really only are concerned with the DS, then say to him that the money should come to him, but that it is fair that his mum charges him for his costs. How much is fair we can not say as we have no idea what she spends on him. So rent, bills and food sure. But does she pay for lots of clothes, nights out, holidays, electronic equipment, etc? Most teenagers underestimate exactly how much their parents spend on them.
If I was the mum I would ask for £50 a week for rent and food, and that he has to buy everything else himself.

Spousal maintenance was awarded to support her to transition between being a SAHM to working. Will be paid until DH is 60 in three years time.

@holidayhelpppp Yes that is true. But the underlying principle stands that courts do expect the resident parent to receive maintenance for the cost of keeping an 18 year old still at school.

op, what is she planning to do in 3 years time? and when the 2nd child no longer gets maintenance?

I feel that this will not be the last time she complains about money.

But the underlying principle stands that courts do expect the resident parent to receive maintenance for the cost of keeping an 18 year old still at school

yes, but not after that, so she could really fuck herself / her ds over by being petty about 9 months or whatever it is.

@bluetown So it sounds like the ex is much younger then?
So she will have to start working full-time in 3 years time to support herself. So 6 years ago she was a SAHM, now has a part-time job, and will be transitioning to full-time. Is she studying at the moment then?

Considering how much he is with you, I think he should hand over less than £100 but be expected to pay for some things for himself eg clothes and phone bill. At 18 is his mum seriously paying for his clothes?!

@holidayhelpppp Yes I accept it does not make sense for her to go to court. But I am talking about what is right. If you accept that generally courts expect maintenance to be paid to the resident parent to an 18 year old still at school, then you need to bear that in mind when deciding what is proper and fair.

@Icantthinkofanynewnames Why would his mum not be paying for his clothes? He is still at school.

the court did decide what was proper and fair in the first place, both parties agreed to it....

if she didn't like it she should have said something at the time.

But I think this is none of your business and that your interest is being drive by how you feel about the ex wife.

I think that's really unfair, it sounds to me like OP cares a lot about her stepson and doesn't want him losing out on what should be (and what was agreed by both of his parents to be) his money now that he's 18.

That said, I would defy anyone not to be annoyed at a situation like this. This woman has no mortgage, £1200 in income coming in from her ex, and she earns herself from her part-time job. Even losing £400 she's still likely getting over £1000, and that doesn't even include child benefit or any other benefits she might get. Surely she can let her own child have the money that she agreed would be his??

@holiday She agreed that the money should go to the DC when they turn 18. Nothing was agreed about whether she could charge him rent/board. If an 18 year old was working and not at school, it would be usual to charge board.

I really didn't want this thread to turn into a discussion about marital assets

Unfortunately by wording your OP they way you did you are going to get the replies you are doing, from individuals who either don't understand how divorce settlements work in situations where one party is a SAHM, or think "I work so why should she sit on her arse and receive spousal maintenance"

Spousal maintenance is probably very much part of this divorce agreement, otherwise in exw's position she could have expected to have had a greater proportion of marital assets than 50/50 in consideration of her lower earning expectations and having the children live with her the majority of the time.

Nothing was agreed about whether she could charge him rent/board. If an 18 year old was working and not at school, it would be usual to charge board

well then that's up to her and her son to work out, nothing to do with his dad who is just doing what he was told by court.

If she needs rent off her 18yo then she needs to tell him that. £400 a month is extortionate though, and there's no reason at all why she needs that much from him.

jennymarana thanks for suggesting a % payment.
Mum was a SAHP and started to work part time a couple of years ago. She isn't studying. It's up to her how she manages her finances and how much she does/doesn't want to work but I don't think DSS should pay more than a fair sum for his upkeep and we are just trying to help him figure what is reasonable.

I've begun to think that I should have started a different post missing out all the financial settlement and just said DSS had an income of £400 pcm so how much should he pay towards his keep 😀

The ex probably doesn't want to get of the cushy gravy train she's been on! She might even need to get a proper job and support herself. I didn't even realise that 'spousal suport' still existed, what happened to equality?

I don't understand why this is even being discussed. The agreement was reached and now exW is trying to change the agreement. Was it a legally agreed contract?

No idea why she needs rent off her 18 yr old. The mortgage is paid and she has been mortgage free for 6 yrs.

Sounds to me like she is trying to milk it.

The woman does not deserve a bloody good slap AT ALL. What a disgusting post to write and anyone else supporting that nonsense. If that is the agreement that the DH and his ex agreed on, and the court accepted to ensure that these children were properly supported post divorce, then that is it. That is their reality. It might not be yours but so what.

I was coming on here to say how lucky your DSC are to have a dad like theirs who has really supported them. You mention that your DSS is in his final year of school, will he keep that part-time job going? His mum's outgoings will not have changed so she shouldnt suddenly just lose all that maintenance. So could you perhaps agree that you continue to pay her £200 pcm and you will put the other £200 per month away for university (or other if DSS doesnt go). I agree that it doesnt seem quite right for him to pay board and lodging while he is still at school.

Apologies if I have offended anyone with my comments about the first wife but honestly... I blame my mother & aunts for giving me such bad ideas that a woman should be independent, return to work once the children go to school. What else were they going to do with their time? Clean the house for the umpteenth time that week whilst listening to Woman's Hour?

The ex-wife is a SAHM but has been forced to work part-time since divorce. It has to be within school hours. She has to be able to still get the children ready for school in the morning, do the school run, have their dinner waiting for them on the table, help with homework, bath, brush teeth & bed. Oh wait a minute! The children are 14 & 18 and NT.
She struggles every month to pay the rent - nope - she has a mortgage free house!
The annual school uniform costs & school trip costs - she can barely afford them... Oh sorry, the children's father gets that as well.

Being a SAHM she has no pension? Incorrect - she has 40% of his pension which isn't bad going given the mortgage-free house & generous maintenance.
Has she ever worked?????

£1600/month in spousal/child maintenance is more than most people take home each month. You don't usually get spousal maintenance in the UK regardless of being a SAHM. Even if you have non-NT children with accompanying caring duties, it's more likely child benefit, UC & other hard-fought-for assistance.

This former husband is on £80k a year. He's made sure his children have not suffered a drop in lifestyle - staying in the secure family home, more than the average wage supporting them each month. He is continuing to pay for them at university. He's also providing them with a good example of parenting post-divorce.

The former husband is on £80k a year. That's not the level of Paul Mcartney, Paul Hollywood or Wayne Rooney and anyone that compares this situation to that is laughable.

A friend's husband buggered off. Minimal equity in the house. Living in rented flat. Took the usual career-hit to do two periods of maternity leave during their marriage as planned. Fortunately her parents can help 2 days a week with wrap around childcare so she can afford to work full time otherwise she'd really be struggling. Her high earning ex-husband is now a self-employed consultant, low salary so low child maintenance, pays himself high dividends, not interested in seeing the children, we all know the story...

@bluetown I suggested £50 a week simply because I know how much 18 year old boys can eat and how long they can spend in the shower. Obviously not actually knowing him I have no idea if the ex buys decent food that costs more or whatever is cheapest. But in general 18 year old boys eat a lot of food.
And since he is still at school and you don't mention a part-time job, then the ex will be buying clothes, electronic equipment, school uniform, school trips, etc. I suspect she will actually be spending more than £400 a month on him, unless you and your DP buy a lot of clothes, pay for trips, etc.

@Jocasta2018 There will have been other assets in the marriage. Maybe even other properties. Use your brain. You know how divorce works from your post about your friend, so apply some critical thinking.

I have said up thread that DSS does have a part time job and that his dad contributes to big expenses such as school trips, uniform etc. Is £200 still reasonable?

If she is still feeding him etc then part of the maintenance should go to her, that's what it is there for. Not an income for him to save.