Aibu to think my step son is being taken advantage of

[bluetown]

So have name changed for this.

My DH divorced six years ago and we've been married for four. Financial settlement was agreed; ex wife kept the house (no mortgage) 40% of his pension which she can draw down now if she wants, spousal maintenance of £400 pcm until DH is 60 and £400 pcm for each child ((2). When the children attain the age of 18 the £400 is paid direct to the child. Step son is 18 in October and mum is saying all £400 had to be given to her. He thinks that he should pay something but wants to save for uni.

I accept that the cost of feeding/housing/clothing him hasn't changed but think he ought to start planning his future. SS is a gentle boy and doesn't want to do the wrong thing but he's asked for advice and we unsure what would be a reasonable amount for him to pay.

Both children spend alternating weekends with us, two evenings per week and half the school holidays.

Any ideas?

Bloody hell, is that kind of divorce settlement usual? A mortgage-free house, FORTY PERCENT of his pension and £1200pcm family support?!

"Plenty of women raise kids without spousal maintenance, no rent and child maintenance."

But they shouldn't because those children suffer and so does Society.

I think £400 per month to cover all living expenses is a pretty good deal actually. However I do think it should cover travel costs to college and a monthly allowance for clothing etc

He may have turned 18 but is still in FT education living with his Mother. Child benefit still continues in these cases so I reckon CM shouldn’t be any different irrespective of the court ruling.

I think it should continue being paid to the Mother until he leaves for uni. She is still paying for his food, housing and clothing after all.

Bibidy, i think the wealth of the father makes a difference.

It is a dilemma, do the children (via their mother) get to share that wealth and lifestyle?

I agree to a point when there are young children involved, but this boy is now 18, an adult - his mother can't expect to be supported to this level indefinitely.

Tbh if I think the best way round this would be to take the £400, put £300 in savings for when SS goes to uni/wants to move into his own place, and give him £100 a month to spend.

At 18 presumably he's also working/going to start working so it's just a top up, rather than handing him £400 and then either him wasting it or his mum taking it.

P.s I always read these threads and wish I’d married a rich man .

Bloody hell, is that kind of divorce settlement usual? A mortgage-free house, FORTY PERCENT of his pension and £1200pcm family support?!

We have no way of knowing if the ex took five investment properties, a holiday home, private jet and several million in the bank. If he did then this settlement is hardly generous!

Not trying to drip feed but to answer to questions:
Financial settlement was fair 50/50 of assets which DH and ex-wife agreed.
Spousal maintenance was agreed as DH was main earner and ex-wife was a SAHM. Again, this is fair and is intended to help her establish financial independence. Neither children have Additional needs.
Pension sharing was agreed to reflect need in old age.

DH earns approx £80,000. We contribute to big expenses for the children such as school trips, September uniform purchases etc.

OP has said the assets were split 50/50

Coy on the husband's income though

sorry OP x post

It's none of your business op how much his dm is charging for board. Your dh hands over the £400 to his son. That's the end of what you have to do with that money. The rest is up to ds. He can pay whatever board his mum charges or he can move out (in with you or out on his own /shared flat/whatever).

Based on the above I still agree £200 to mum for board and food and DS to keep the rest; will encourage independence

Spousal maintenance was agreed as DH was main earner and ex-wife was a SAHM. Again, this is fair and is intended to help her establish financial independence.

With all due respect, she needs to establish some financial independence now then.

If it was agreed that £400 a month was reasonable to cover SDS costs when he was 17 years and 11 months, then nothing has changed when he turned 18. How many hours she works, whether she wants to sell the house and spend the proceeds on expensive travel, etc is noones business but her own.

It's none of your business op how much his dm is charging for board. Your dh hands over the £400 to his son. That's the end of what you have to do with that money. The rest is up to ds. He can pay whatever board his mum charges or he can move out (in with you or out on his own /shared flat/whatever).

Sounds like OP's concern is that her stepson is likely to hand everything over to his mum if pressured because he is a gentle character, which isn't really fair.

I wouldn't have agreed however for him to stop maintenance whilst she was still living at home, even if she was 18

if it goes through CMS you wouldn't have had a choice. It stops at 18 or when their course ends I think, so as soon as college finished or their 18th birthday, whichever comes last, it would stop.

CMS don't care whether your child works, goes to uni or lives at home etc.

I agree with what alot of the later pp have said. She has really had a good deal with the mortgage and such, she should have planned ahead as she knew that gravy train wouldn't last forever. She needs to get a proper full time, decently waged job.

If he is in full time school then it seems fair that the status quo continues until he finishes.

Personally, I would allow SS and his mother to argue money between themselves and you and DH stay out of it.

Let them sort it.

Child maintenance is paid till the child leaves school, there are only 9 months left, does it say education or 18 in the judgement.

At the end of the day, your DH has an agreement in place with ExW. The agreement says the £400 goes to SS.

Any amount of money that ExW wants from step son is nothing to do with you/DH.

If SS is going to continue living with her while at uni, £200 a month to her seems reasonable to me.
Yes she had time to plan, but she's still feeding him/washing his clothes etc. He would be expected to pay if he was working so the source of income shouldn't make a difference.

The OP's husband is obviously a highly-paid professional. Looking at the ages, it's probable that the ex-wife was in her late forties, a SAHM, when the marriage ended. Should she be out scrubbing floors now?

TBH I think the OP has a right cheek to be inserting herself between the ex-wife and the step-son.

The £400 is his to save for uni, if she wants board then she has a percentage of his part time wage. Which is what most parents would do.
Alternatively you agree with the step son a plan.
Does he want it saving for Uni for him? I get the cost of keeping him hasn't gone down but she's got a lot more disposable income then most and I think she's been quite greedy. Taking money that's supposed to help her son further his education.

Is everyone missing that their mum doesn't even have a mortgage to pay?

Even taking away the £400 for her son, she's still getting £800 in spousal support and child support her 14 year old, plus whatever she earns from work, which will be another few hundred.

Surely she doesn't need to take £400 from her own son to support the household when she's mortgage-free and has over £1000 for everything else??

should she be out scrubbing floors now?

as opposed to what? living a life of luxury at her ex husband and her own childs expense?

people need to realise that marriage is not a financial guarantee for your future.