Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to think my step son is being taken advantage of

220 replies

bluetown · 13/09/2019 08:32

So have name changed for this.

My DH divorced six years ago and we've been married for four. Financial settlement was agreed; ex wife kept the house (no mortgage) 40% of his pension which she can draw down now if she wants, spousal maintenance of £400 pcm until DH is 60 and £400 pcm for each child ((2). When the children attain the age of 18 the £400 is paid direct to the child. Step son is 18 in October and mum is saying all £400 had to be given to her. He thinks that he should pay something but wants to save for uni.

I accept that the cost of feeding/housing/clothing him hasn't changed but think he ought to start planning his future. SS is a gentle boy and doesn't want to do the wrong thing but he's asked for advice and we unsure what would be a reasonable amount for him to pay.

Both children spend alternating weekends with us, two evenings per week and half the school holidays.

Any ideas?

OP posts:
Original poster
bluetown · 13/09/2019 11:45

I agree perfectstorm has come up with a sensible solution. DSS would appreciate the methodology in working out an appropriate sum as he's studying maths, further maths, physics and chemistry and 'gets' facts better than feelings. He just wants to do the right thing and has asked for help in his decision making. I will pass on your suggestion.
Thanks for your input.

OP posts:
perfectstorm · 13/09/2019 11:50

@bluetown I would tell him to research the evidence on the impact of working above a certain threshold in the approach to major exams - I think that work was done for university students, but the principle holds. I really don't think he should undertake much paid work after January, if he's do to himself justice. Steady, consistent revision is so important, and especially in the subjects he's taking, where flair and excellent written style, plus selective question spotting prior, can mask a lot. He really, really needs to know his stuff inside out and back to front, and earning so he can pay for his bus fares isn't going to help with that.

Good luck - and you sound a lovely stepmother. (I've had three, and you sound like my nicest one!)

Rosere · 13/09/2019 11:51

Harsh, but she should get a job if she needs 400 a month what with part of someone else's pension and a mortgage free house. The poor lad should get the 400 and obviously pay towards board but more likely 100 at most.

doublesheesh · 13/09/2019 11:51

ex wife kept the house (no mortgage) what did your Dh come out with? 40% of his pension which she can draw down now if she wants presumably only the pension accrued during their marriage....spousal maintenance of £400 pcm until DH is 60 and £400 pcm for each child. When the children attain the age of 18 the £400 is paid direct to the child.

She is onto a great deal. She has a house that has no mortgage! And monthly payments. She has dc who are old enough and have been old enough for long enough that she should have sought proper employment. When your Dh reaches 60, what is her plan? It is crazy for anyone to live without working their hardest to create a great life for themselves and it seems very much that the ex is being a lazy and entitiled cow. Is the uni far from home or will dc be living at hime during term time? Even if at home, it does not cost £100 to feed one person.

perfectstorm · 13/09/2019 11:52

Apologies, that should have read: Steady, consistent revision is so important, and especially in the subjects he's taking, unlike arts subjects, where flair and excellent written style, plus selective question spotting prior, can mask a lot.

doublesheesh · 13/09/2019 11:57

Batcrazy101
Is the ds going to be living at home whilst at uni? If not then OBVIOUSLY the money should NOT be going to the ex. Dad isn't being 'hero' for paying ONLY £400 a month. He also pays £400 a month to the ex until he is 60 (whilst she works 1-2 days a week in a low paid job even though she has had years to get a proper full time or part time job with more hours) AND she got the house!!! Mortgage FREE!!! The actual HOUSE!! The whole house - with zero mortgage.

The OP has already stated that the Ds pays his OWN phone and even bus fare to and from college. What makes you think the ex does any of the laundry for him? If he is living at home then he should pay a contribution but there is no way it is costing £100 a week to feed and provide toothpast for one person. WIFI is not costing any more for having him home or not.

swingofthings · 13/09/2019 12:00

@holidayhelpppp a SAHM takes a massive potential earnings hit in most cases
Let's stop this 'poor defensless women who have no choice but to sacrifice their high earning powers to look after the children and therefore allow their husband to become rich' crap.

Most of these women decided to become sahm because their earning power was much lower and when they could go back to work as the children are older, are enjoying their sahm status way too much to ever consider slaving for a boss like many of us do.

I have a number of such acquaintances, who can't wait to drop their kids to school to then go and enjoy their gym session at David Lloyd and they have no qualms saying that life is great and they feel sorry for women who have to work FT. There's plenty of childcare where I live. They just don't want to work and are very happy to be supporte by their husband and enjoy the good life.

TwentyEight12 · 13/09/2019 12:03

Can someone point me to the bit where it says what subjects he is taking please?

I can’t find it!

Puzzledandpissedoff · 13/09/2019 12:04

Spousal maintenance was awarded to support her to transition between being a SAHM to working. Will be paid until DH is 60 in three years time

I realise this is the mum's business and no-one else's, but the difficulty's surely that she doesn't appear to have done a lot towards securing her own future - and now she'll lose the whole £400 anyway when DSS goes to UNi -and her spousal maintenance when DH turns 60 in 3 years' time

It's clear you're just trying to do the right thing by DSS, OP, and I admire you for that, but while it's not actually your problem I suspect you might have to prepare yourself for the exW going ballistic

BadBehaviour · 13/09/2019 12:07

@jennymanara I am just shocked she got the house & 40% of his pension it seems a lot.

Apologies Op, this is none of our business. I don’t think she should be asking to keep the £400 perhaps he could set up a trust for him when he’s 21 and put the money in there? Whilst I understand she’d lose a lot of income maybe give her a small % of it if you feel she needs it. But I wouldn’t give her £400 she’s no longer a minor & as you’ve said you & DH still contribute in other ways

BarbariansMum · 13/09/2019 12:10

She did also get 90% + of all the child raising and associated work @BadBehaviour. I doubt she's been sat on her arse eating chocolate covered cherries for years whilst the kids raised themselves.

Batcrazy101 · 13/09/2019 12:13

@doublesheesh

WIFI is not costing any more for having him home or not
No but he is using it so why shouldn't he contribute towards it?

He also pays £400 a month to the ex until he is 60 (whilst she works 1-2 days a week in a low paid job even though she has had years to get a proper full time or part time job with more hours)

Mumsnet has a tendency to fill in the gaps of knowledge of what they think has or should have happened. There are women out there who gave up their chance at a career life because the man was the main earner and it was seen at their job to raise a family. We do not know how long the husband here enjoyed the benefits of having a stay at home wife while she limited her chance of getting a high paying job if things were to ever fall apart so I did not get in to the financials for that very reason.To be just given a house and that amount of money means the the husband must have been seen as to be in a position to start of his new life on the same footing. Also how do we know she doesn't have a mortgage now?? just because there wasn't one when he left doesn't mean there isn't one now for any number of reasons that have nothing do with anyone. I do not know NOR is is any of my business or is it really relevant to the issue and question being asked here.

If the son is at home and the full £400 goes towards his expenses then YES she should take the £400 from DS IF she is also contributing the same £400.

£800 for a teenager to live on is not a lot of money.

hsegfiugseskufh · 13/09/2019 12:13

She did also get 90% + of all the child raising and associated work

how do we know that? just because she was a SAHM doesn't mean she did 90% - she clearly doesn't any more!

hsegfiugseskufh · 13/09/2019 12:15

IF she is also contributing the same £400

which, she clearly isn't as her only income is a 12hr per week job. She clearly isn't contributing 400pcm to each child because that is probably more than her wage.

Batcrazy101 · 13/09/2019 12:16

@holidayhelpppp well maybe we should put it to a percentage of her limited earnings then

Original poster
bluetown · 13/09/2019 12:16

@perfectstorm good advice again, his working hours are certainly worth considering and I know he will probably cut down or stop completely as he's beginning to feel the pressure of a levels, step papers and his EPQ. Really don't want to derail his hard work with stress over money and falling out with his mum.

OP posts:
perfectstorm · 13/09/2019 12:16

Fri 13-Sep-19 11:45:35 he's studying maths, further maths, physics and chemistry @bluetown

hsegfiugseskufh · 13/09/2019 12:16

that's not really fair though is it? because she chooses to work only 12 hours she pays less towards her own children, and therefore her ex dh has to pick up the slack?

hsegfiugseskufh · 13/09/2019 12:17

if a man chose to work only 12 hours a week, so he could pay less maintenance, would that be ok? no.

Why is ok when women do this?

perfectstorm · 13/09/2019 12:19

Sorry, not Bluetown, the subjects info was for @TwentyEight12

Batcrazy101 · 13/09/2019 12:19

posted too soon.

if dad contributes x% that should be met by mum at this age. We do not know the ins and outs of the marriage/family dynamic/reason she does not have a "better income"

BarrenFieldofFucks · 13/09/2019 12:19

If he had the children like the mother does, he wouldn't be paying maintenance anyway. The recipient's income is irrelevant to maintenance amounts

yearinyearout · 13/09/2019 12:19

People are saying his dm is housing him, but the house is paid for with no mortgage. Yes he should contribute for food but to give her the full £400 is taking the piss. He is her son as well, not a lodger.

TwentyEight12 · 13/09/2019 12:20

Found it. He sounds like a brainy guy!

If he’s studying Maths then this will be good equation for him to work out himself!

Also, I’m a little offended by the comment that Arts subjects are somehow deemed easier. Having studied in this category and had a career from it, it’s a lot more technical and computer based than people would like to believe or imagine. Also, the demand to be ‘creative’ and to a high level, every single day no matter what, isn’t always as simple as people imagine.

Vent over Grin

hsegfiugseskufh · 13/09/2019 12:20

We do not know the ins and outs of the marriage/family dynamic/reason she does not have a "better income

I think we all know why she doesn't have a better income!

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet Log In

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.