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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I dont want to give her lifts anymore

152 replies

Findingausername · 12/09/2019 21:04

My colleague lives 10mins walk away from work. She broke her ankle over a year ago. When it happened she was on crutches, complaining about getting to work on them, blah blah. Being nice, I offered to give her lifts as she is on my way and I was driving anyway.

Anyway, fast forward a year, her ankle is perfectly fine now and she's still expecting the lifts. It's meaning I don't have as much freedom, for example sometimes I would drive up to work early and sit in a coffee shop with a book for half an hour. Sometimes when I get to her house she isn't even ready, and I have to wait for her. I get the feeling she isn't apprieciative at all. (She was at first)
I have subtly tried to bring up the idea of her walking again and she kind of just goes 'well its on your way' and brushes it off. WIBU to tell her I can't give lifts anymore as it was never meant to be a long term thing in the first place

OP posts:
SunshineAngel · 13/09/2019 13:12

No, you don't have to give her lifts if you don't want to. A 10 min walk is nothing whatsoever. It would be good for her.

I am a very quiet and private person, and love my time alone in the car when driving. Before a busy work day and after, this would be essential for me, and I would not want to have to deal with someone every day.

Of course it was lovely of you to help while she had a bad ankle, but that's over now. Tell her you want to start going in earlier again so you can relax for a bit before work, and if she suggests going with you, just say no. You don't really need to give an explanation, but I would understand why you might want to give one.

KUGA · 13/09/2019 13:25

Simple don`t pick her up.
Just drive past or go a different route.
If she asks why tell her you go a different way now.

Coffeeandchocolate9 · 13/09/2019 13:30

"As you know I wad happy to help toy get to work when your ankle was broken. I do however miss my alone time on my commute and I need solo time for my wellbeing, so I'm going to draw this favour to a close at the end of this week. I know you'll understand.^

MidCenturyVintageWoman · 13/09/2019 13:47

The annoying part of this is that takers like your colleague never appreciate what others do for them. When you stop the lifts she will then dislike you, instead of appreciating the YEAR's worth of lifts you've given her up until now. We used to give a girl a lift to football at the weekends. She played in the team our DD played in. It was a pain in the neck for us; not too far out of our way but they would never confirm if a lift was needed until the last minute and the girl was never ready! One of us would knock the door, and we'd wait, and wait (sometimes in the pouring rain). Eventually she would open the door and then go about finding her boots etc. DH said time and time again "can you be ready when we get here?" but it never made any difference. When we stopped being a soft touch the mother blanked us. No appreciation for all the lifts over about 2 years.

Bibidy · 13/09/2019 13:56

Stuff like this is so awkward

To avoid awkwardness I'd just lie - tell her you're joining the gym and going to be going before work from now on so you can't pick her up anymore as you'll probably be arriving on the dot, sorry.

MulticolourMophead · 13/09/2019 14:56

“I’m unable to drive you to work from Monday, as my commitments have changed. Thanks name”

I would send this, edited with "to and from work".

No excuses or explanations, they just allow people to try and find a loophole to push you back in your box (bitter experience talking here). I've adopted this style and it's working for me.

supersop60 · 13/09/2019 14:57

No - don't make anything up, or you'll tie yourself in knots trying to remember.
Rapahel34 and another poster had it spot on.
"Now you are better - I'm going to go back to my normal routine" (don't mention the coffee and book or she'll want to join you!)

Juells · 13/09/2019 15:06

Multicolour - we must have known the same CFs 😂 'Problem-solving' for you when you've made up a polite excuse because you don't want to be rude. Now I just say "It doesn't suit" with no details given of why it doesn't suit

MulticolourMophead · 13/09/2019 15:08

Juells, sadly I think there's plenty of them around....

CuriousaboutSamphire · 13/09/2019 15:27

I'm with the others saying don't make up an excuse. Just say that now she has had a lot of recovery time you are going back to your old routines and therefore will not be giving her any more lifts.

And repeat, just say no, repeat until she and evryone else you work with have got the message... she can go bacl to her usual walk and you to your usual drive!

Original poster
Findingausername · 13/09/2019 16:12

Hi everyone just a quick update. I am currently MNing in the break room at work

Spoke to her on the way to work today, just said that my schedule is changing and it won't be convinient for me to take her anymore, but that's okay seeing as it is not too far for her to walk. She said okay but asked what I was doing instead, to which I admittedly freaked out and didn't know what to say without being mean- I ended up saying I was going to be going to the gym in the mornings and leaving a different way. She said okay but didn't look too happy.

To the PP who asked, after her ankle mended there was a patch of really bad weather, I ended up giving her lifts then too and it just became a daily thing. And she has never once paid or offered to pay me for petrol. I guess she figures I'm going that way anyway so it doesn't cost me as much.

She has been quite cold to me today, we have desks next to each other and usually chat a bit but after I broke the news to her (I said starting on Monday) she has seemed distant and acting like I've offended her in some way.

OP posts:
cstaff · 13/09/2019 16:15

Well done OP - it doesn't really matter that you had to lie to her. it just means that you can now go for your coffee and have a read in peace and TBH it really is none of her business.

onalongsabbatical · 13/09/2019 16:18

Hang on in there OP! You've done brilliantly, but I bet she's cooking up ways of getting you back on board. You need nerves of steel right now! Brew

Footle · 13/09/2019 16:20

In the words of Phoebe of Friends "I really wish I could help but ... I don't wanna".

Redred2429 · 13/09/2019 16:20

You did the right thing op it's a huge commitment to give someone daily lifts

brookelopez · 13/09/2019 16:20

good for you OP. 10 mins walk is nothing if she's able bodied again. hope you enjoy your mornings a bit more now.

57lady · 13/09/2019 16:23

Ah nuts! This happens a lot when you're a well raised sort! If you were dragged up you would never have offered in first place. But you did. If she's not a mega-mate just tell her youre not continuing because you feel restricted by the routine and anyway, her ankle is OK now "isn't it? " glad to have been of service but service now withdrawn. Good luck

Grambler · 13/09/2019 16:23

It's a 10 minute walk, it's not like it's a 10 minute drive vs 3 hours taking a train and three buses. She'll manage, and anyone she complains to will totally understand.

BumbleBeee69 · 13/09/2019 16:36

Well done OP.. and don't let her manipulate you into starting this crap again. No is a full sentence. Flowers

Derbee · 13/09/2019 17:05

The fact that she’s being off with you since you mentioned stopping the lifts, shows that she’s been using you.

Carthage · 13/09/2019 17:10

She's a classic CF. Acting put out when you've been doing her a favour for a year!

In future, in this scenario be more vague as pps suggested. I've got other commitments. She has no right to know what, so you can either not reply and just smile, say you can't really talk about it (you nosy cow) or just go off somewhere, I've got a meeting, need the loo etc.

ShellbyBell · 13/09/2019 17:27

Well done op! I need my space in the mornings too. Couldn’t cope with that crap!

Puzzledandpissedoff · 13/09/2019 17:38

Very well done, OP. Sorry she's being a bit "off" with you, but I'm afraid it was to be expected - as PPs have said, types like this think nothing of all you've done for them, only their own wants

At least you'll now have no doubt that it was the right thing to do ...

Knittedfairies · 13/09/2019 17:50

Well done OP!

MaverlousMo · 13/09/2019 18:03

Well done OP, it probably is going to be a bit awkward for a while, but it’s either that or give into her demands.

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