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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I dont want to give her lifts anymore

152 replies

Findingausername · 12/09/2019 21:04

My colleague lives 10mins walk away from work. She broke her ankle over a year ago. When it happened she was on crutches, complaining about getting to work on them, blah blah. Being nice, I offered to give her lifts as she is on my way and I was driving anyway.

Anyway, fast forward a year, her ankle is perfectly fine now and she's still expecting the lifts. It's meaning I don't have as much freedom, for example sometimes I would drive up to work early and sit in a coffee shop with a book for half an hour. Sometimes when I get to her house she isn't even ready, and I have to wait for her. I get the feeling she isn't apprieciative at all. (She was at first)
I have subtly tried to bring up the idea of her walking again and she kind of just goes 'well its on your way' and brushes it off. WIBU to tell her I can't give lifts anymore as it was never meant to be a long term thing in the first place

OP posts:
MumW · 12/09/2019 23:12

You missed a trick when she wasn't ready. It's only 10mins walk so a breezy "I need to be early this morning so I'll see you there" and leaving her would have been perf3ctly acceptable.

As others have said. Just tell her.

YoTheGinPussyOfStMawesOnThigh · 12/09/2019 23:14

Tell her you are moving house and won’t be passing by anymore. Seriously, doesn’t work for me in the future is the way to go.

Beautiful3 · 12/09/2019 23:18

Just say you've joined a gym so won't be able to give lifts anymore. If she asks any questions about which dsys/times. just say I'll decide on the day if I go before or after work, I like the freedom.

Jux · 12/09/2019 23:19

Remember when you tell her that neither she nor anyone else has a right to know why, no explanation is required, so say "it's no longer convenient" and stick to it. No one's business beyond that.

Luckybe40 · 12/09/2019 23:21

OP! What the hell!!? Come on! Tell her the lifts are sadly over! You have been incredibly sweet to do this but I think it’s time to grow a backbone. Do it a favour to mankind, y

theliverpoolone · 12/09/2019 23:22

I'd just say you've got things you need to do in the mornings, without being specific - then you're not lying. If she's cheeky enough to ask what, just say 'personal stuff'.

katewhinesalot · 12/09/2019 23:35

What are you going to say op?

Mix56 · 12/09/2019 23:36

"It is no longer convenient...."
if she asks why
"It's not your business".
Done.

Thatnovembernight · 12/09/2019 23:36

I think what @Drum2018 said was perfect about a change in your schedule. If she’s cheeky enough to push for a further explanation then you can say any mix of book in a coffee shop/gym/meditation etc as suggested above. That’s if you find saying you just don’t want to do it anymore too blunt (I would find it awkward unless she was blatantly very rude about it).

CuriousMama · 12/09/2019 23:41

Hope you find the guts to say no. She's taking you for granted.

Whocutdownthecherrytree · 12/09/2019 23:59

Start going in early regularly for a week, tell her it’s your new thing. Does she want to be picked up early? No? No worries, see you at work! Or better still send a text the evening before every second day saying you are going early. Make her feel like you are inconsistent and she will get fed up. Can’t believe she isn’t ready some days!

WaggingKnife · 13/09/2019 07:51

Actually I think it’s quite nice women worry about what other people think. So many threads about arrogant entitled men.

Confused

OP I think some people find it hard to end something like this, I certainly would have when I was younger.

A simple text
“I’m unable to drive you to work from Monday, as my commitments have changed. Thanks name”
No explanation, no excuses, no fuss.
Good luck.

cleanasawhistle · 13/09/2019 10:54

I have had this CF on and off for years .You try and be kind and helpful but the more you give the more some expect.
I thought I had left all this crap behind me but.....

One night a week I attend a hobby.I love it and never miss a session.
Everyone of my friends knows about this.
I had a message from a very good friend a few weeks ago whos husband works back shift every other week....
She has enrolled her daughter in a gym class so could I take her every fortnight and drop her off,sorry but you would only be able to stay in your session for an hour because DD would need picking up again.

I was going to put a message saying how sorry I was etc but decided to go straight to the point and just replied NO,it has never been mentionion to my face but you can imagine the guilt tripping sad FB post that was added .

cleanasawhistle · 13/09/2019 11:00

...should of added it really annoyed me but the worse bit was there was no discussion,child enrolled in group because she was that sure I would do the lifts.

thecatsthecats · 13/09/2019 11:14

Why don’t you want to give her a lift?

I don't know, maybe ALL THE REASONS STATED IN THE OP??? Can you read, or do you just think the OP's feelings matter less than the person she's doing a (totally non-critical) favour for?

I'd find it less convenient to walk than to faff around coordinating with someone else for a lift.

Leeds2 · 13/09/2019 11:25

When (if?) you text her, make sure that you make it clear that you won't be giving her lifts home from work at the end of the day, as well as to work in the morning.

myusernamewastakenbyme · 13/09/2019 12:04

I used to find myself caught up in these situations too....im 45 now and have got a lot better at saying no and not letting people take advantage of me...

billy1966 · 13/09/2019 12:21

@saraclara
Perfect text👍

Salome61 · 13/09/2019 12:21

I hope you can be courageous today and say it as you are leaving work.

Your post has reminded me of my uncomfortable feelings when I was trapped into giving someone a lift home every night, her huffing and puffing if I had to go to the supermarket on the way home, the lack of appearance of the cigs she was supposed to give me instead of petrol money.

PepsiLola · 13/09/2019 12:27

What started as a favour has gone too far!

Be polite and say no more, if she questions you be firm and just say no.

Moomin8 · 13/09/2019 12:28

Gosh some people are such spongers aren't they? YANBU.

bombomboobah · 13/09/2019 12:41

No one has ever tried any of this s* with me!
I wish they would, I would so enjoy finding imaginative ways to deal with them 😁

Juells · 13/09/2019 12:57

HRTFT

Just tell her that as from next week it's no longer convenient . If you really feel you have to offer an explanation say it reduces your flexibility as suggested above.

The trouble with giving an explanation like that is that CFs alway problem-solve for you. "Oh, just let me know beforehand any day you can't collect me, just let me know in good time so I won't be late" etc.. Just say it's not convenient any more. I feel for you, it's hard for people-pleasers to get out of situations like this with piss-takers.

SayOohLaLa · 13/09/2019 12:58

OP just go in early for your coffee on Monday. Don't tell her you do this, in case she thinks it's a wonderful idea and wants to get ready early and join you.

Beautiful3 · 13/09/2019 13:09

Tell us what you decided to do op.