Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I dont want to give her lifts anymore

152 replies

Findingausername · 12/09/2019 21:04

My colleague lives 10mins walk away from work. She broke her ankle over a year ago. When it happened she was on crutches, complaining about getting to work on them, blah blah. Being nice, I offered to give her lifts as she is on my way and I was driving anyway.

Anyway, fast forward a year, her ankle is perfectly fine now and she's still expecting the lifts. It's meaning I don't have as much freedom, for example sometimes I would drive up to work early and sit in a coffee shop with a book for half an hour. Sometimes when I get to her house she isn't even ready, and I have to wait for her. I get the feeling she isn't apprieciative at all. (She was at first)
I have subtly tried to bring up the idea of her walking again and she kind of just goes 'well its on your way' and brushes it off. WIBU to tell her I can't give lifts anymore as it was never meant to be a long term thing in the first place

OP posts:
bombomboobah · 12/09/2019 22:18

I think I will tell her I've decided to walk to work to, or maybe run or cycle?

TitsInAbsentia · 12/09/2019 22:21

I can't give you a lift any more.
But why? It's on your way?
I'm sorry I can't discuss it...it's a matter of national security...

IfIShouldFallFromGraceWithGod · 12/09/2019 22:22

Just politely tell her that you were happy to help out but you never intended for it to become a permanent arrangement. You want the flexibility to come and go as you please. Don't get drawn into a discussion
If she says she could come on the days you are going straight to work say you don't want to have to make or change arrangements

RosaWaiting · 12/09/2019 22:26

Don’t be subtle

Just tell her you are no longer giving lifts.

Gizmo79 · 12/09/2019 22:28

Or buy a moped 🤣🤣🤣

cheeseandpineapple · 12/09/2019 22:31

Just be straight with her, you’ve been happy to help her out with lifts to work but now she’s better you want to get back to your routine and be flexible with your time, sometimes going in early or running errands before work and won’t be able to give her lifts in.

You could also compromise by suggesting one or two fixed days when you’ll give her a lift and rest of the days for you to be flexible.

thebakerwithboobs · 12/09/2019 22:32

Hi Friend, I hope you don't mind but I'm going to have to stop picking you up for work. I just need to be a bit more flexible because I want to fit a few things in before and after work. Still see you there though! Love me

MaryPopppins · 12/09/2019 22:37

@thebakerwithboobs has it perfectly.

Send that. It's great.

Leeds2 · 12/09/2019 22:39

How does she get to work if you are on holiday, or off sick?

Regardless, send her a text tomorrow evening saying that you will not be picking her up any more.

willstarttomorrow · 12/09/2019 22:41

OP, you have been really kind but I totally understand that this has become very difficult to address. People saying you are a doormat is unhelpful. You offered help in a certain situation without realising that the recipient would then take the piss. You are now left trying to assert yourself without some kind of fall out, which you will need to live with.
I think the best thing is to be honest. Explain you realised that she needed help at the time and you were happy to do so (maybe because if the situation was reversed you realised how much of a help it would be)? However now the help is not needed, you used to do things on the way into work and on the way home which you really need to be getting on with again. Do not make up excuses, just say you were happy to help and please pass on the favour in the future to someone.

saraclara · 12/09/2019 22:42

Just letting you know that I won’t be able to give you lifts from next week. Now that your ankle is fine and it’s a short walk I hope it won’t be a problem x

If she’s cheeky enough to ask why then-

Before I started giving you lifts because you were struggling with your ankle, I used to leave early as I enjoyed having a coffee and reading a book for half an hour in a cafe before work. I’d really like to get back to my normal routine, thanks

That. It's perfect. It's entirely honest, it's reasonable, it's direct, but not at all rude or unpleasant.

Sheldonoscopy · 12/09/2019 22:42

The threads on here about this made me so paranoid lol I used to get a lift with my kids with a friend 5 days a week. I’d offer petrol costs, she’d refuse. I’d offer to get the bus and she’d be flat out offended. I’d say hey if it’s not convenient or it’s a pain, don’t worry about us! I’d buy wine for her to say thanks and she asked what was going on 😂

Told her about these threads and she laughed her arse off and told me to cop on 😂😂 she’s basically family in all but name to us, she thought it was hilarious that I’d not paid attention and was worrying. She straight out said if it was a pain she’d say so and I’d get the bus 🤷🏻‍♀️😂

My point being, my friend of over a decade and I was worrying about being a pain- this bird you wouldn’t even know if not for work and she doesn’t even appreciate it! Fucking hell, when it snows or hails, she’s really gonna kick herself for destroying any goodwill you might have felt towards her by fucking you around and not walking!

Just text her tomorrow morning, ‘won’t be coming for you today, I’ve got stuff I need to do before work. But also, going forward I won’t be running you to/from work, I need to get back into my routine and now you’re all healed up the walk to work won’t be an issue. See you at work!’

Claphands · 12/09/2019 22:44

Just don’t stop at her house in the morning

EvilPostbox · 12/09/2019 22:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ShellbyBell · 12/09/2019 22:51

Yes, perfect what @Sheldonoscopy said. Start from tomorrow. Good luck! Brew

Sunshine93 · 12/09/2019 22:51

The people telling you to tell her straight are right, of course. However if you don't want to then I would say something along the lines of

" I have loads going on at work at the moment so am planning to get in early/stay late most days so giving you a lift isn't going to be possible for now. Glad you're ok to walk now anyway so hopefully shouldn't be too much of an issue to make your way in.i wa happy to help after your injury"

If she can't take a hint she might ask you in a few days if she can start getting lifts again in which case I suppose it's up to you whether you are honest,continue to kick the can down the road or give in. It's possible though that she will take the hint and not ask and the problem will.be averted.

BetweenTheMoon · 12/09/2019 22:53

Definitely don't say 'hope that's not a problem' because you are inviting the possibility of her saying it is.

Just say;

"hi. from Monday I won't be able to give you lifts anymore as I want to get back to having flexibility before and after work. Have a lovely weekend."

And even then you don't owe her an explanation. Good luck OP!

Redwinestillfine · 12/09/2019 22:54

She needs to break the habit. If you don't want to tell her straight then pre prepare a reason you can't go every day for the next two weeks. Supermarket shop/ dr's appt/ need to get in extra early/ working from a different office/ car sharing with someone else/ not feeling well/ want a morning to yourself/ you're running late, should just go etc etc.....she'll soon get used to walking again

ZenNudist · 12/09/2019 22:55

Just dont pick her up. Text "cant make it this morning see you at work!" Then do it the next day. And the next. After youve broken the habit text "will let you know when I can do lifts again" then never offer. If she asks say "oh your only 10mins walk, it takes me 10mins waiting for you, youll be fine!" And if she persists "lets not start that up again, youre an adult Im sure you can sort youself out, you dont want to be relying on other people Especially if you aren't going to reciprocate or say thanks "!!

Redshoeblueshoe · 12/09/2019 22:55

I agree with Sheldon

Leflic · 12/09/2019 22:57

Actually I think it’s quite nice women worry about what other people think. So many threads about arrogant entitled men.

But in this instance for once I would say be passive aggressive. Start with “ I hope you don’t mind “( I can’t give you a lift in after Monday as I want the flexibility in the morning). Preferably in front of a full office.

Because only the truly stupid would be able to say “ well yes I do mind” . And if they do you can laugh at her “joke”and say “better break the other ankle then”. So everyone knows why you doing her a favour.

GruciusMalfoy · 12/09/2019 22:59

For a 10 minute walk, she is ripping the piss out of you. Tell her you just don't enjoy playing taxi anymore, and have other things to do with your morning.

Salome61 · 12/09/2019 23:07

How awkward for you, unfortunately it just doesn't work out in the long term when it's so one sided,. Reminds me of a situation I was in years ago, and straight talking is the only way to stop this. It is affecting how you choose to spend your time, why should it? It was extremely kind of you to help her when she was on crutches, but she has made a full recovery. Free taxi is now withdrawn!

onalongsabbatical · 12/09/2019 23:11

Ten minute walk? She's 'avin a larf OP.
You do not have to do this a minute longer.

Ilovelblue · 12/09/2019 23:12

I was tied into giving a lift to somebody a few years ago and it went on for almost a year due to a condition which had meant she was unable to drive for some time. It started off with good intentions as she lived quite near to me so it wasn't even out of my way. I used to give her "notice" at the beginning of each week if there were days when I couldn't bring her home and she would demand to know what I was doing (almost as if I was one of her children!) Sometimes, I would call in to the nearest big supermarket on the way home and she would huff and puff and say she preferred a different supermarket.

She never, ever offered petrol money even though she was on considerably more money than me. I probably would have said it didn't matter as giving her a lift wasn't going out of my way but it would have been nice to have it offered.

I've been wary of getting into any lift arrangements since then.

Good luck!

Good luck!