AIBU to be so paralysed with indecision about a 3rd child? Need to decide today / tomorrow

[shallweshantwe2019]

IVF / pregnancy loss / should we stick at two or try for three? / I'm nearly 42 / need to decide today / tomorrow!

'You don't regret the children you have!' - that's a cliché that always comes up when I google this question. Is it true?

I am literally going crazy with indecision on whether to have a third. Been considering it since start of this year and DH has told me he wouldn't have suggested it, it's not his preference, he feels complete with two but will support my decision as doesn't want me to regret not trying later. The crucial info is that we have 2 x good quality embryos in storage from an earlier IVF cycle when I was much younger. I need to decide asap (period this month is looming today or tomorrow and that's when I need to start the process) whether to try for a third using them. (We may 'resolve' the remaining embryos issue if we try and we may not. Maybe the first embryo defrosted will be suitable for transfer and if so we would still have one left that we have no intention of using as definitely wouldn't want 4 children. So going ahead with the treatment doesn't guarantee that we'd resolve the issue completely. This would only happen if one or both of the embryos defrosted were judged not suitable for transfer....)

I have 2 x DS (one is 7 and one is 3). Eldest is IVF, then had two MCs (one IVF frozen cycle loss and one natural conception loss) and youngest is a natural conception. The IVF process, the MCs and the second pregnancy were all emotionally hard and stressful, even though I have two beautiful boys as a result. The pregnancies were fine but second very stressful due to previous losses and the births were different - typical long complicated labour with the first and much quicker and easier with the second. I am nearly 42. Eldest arrived when I was 34 and youngest when I was 38.

What's pushing the desire for a third?

• Feeling not quite 'done'. (Does every feel this? How did you get over it?)
• Feeling of obligation to use the remaining blastocyst embryos we have (even if practically we might only actually use one in a cycle and would then have to let the remaining one 'go to research'.) I feel like I'd be wasting them, killing them even, to not even try to use them to get pregnant. I would mourn this as much as anything and know I would always wonder what they look like.
• My youngest starts FT school next year. Feeling like a phase of my life is over and anxious about what comes next.
• I am one of two and due to a v large age gap me and my sibling are not especially close. I would like my sons to be close and think having an extra sibling would give them more family (obv!)
• I am already an 'older' mum. I will already be 56 when my youngest heads off to uni if he goes, and I'll be nearly 60 when he graduates. (My mum had me relatively old and passed away recently in her mid-70s. I miss her so and wish she was here to be gran to my boys. But this doesn't mean I don't wish I had the boys...! And none of us know how long we have and if we'll have or live to meet grandchildren anyway...)

What's holding me back?

• Wondering if the 'not done' feeling comes from the fact I have these embryos there, waiting and the fact that my other two are just growing up i.e. a normal phase that all mums go through. I wouldn't be pushing to try to conceive afresh at my age due to worries about genetic abnormalities.
• The one embryo we used previously from the frozen batch didn't work so it's entirely possible these won't either as they are slightly less good quality.
• The increase in 'to do' and 'stuff' that a third would bring.
• Lack of time with any one child, feeling spread too thin.

-Lack of time for me and husband

• Worry about every stage - the frozen embryo cycle and if it works will I be happy or worried, the 9 mths of pregnancy, possible miscarriage especially if later on, the extra medical intervention that is inevitable being a 40+ pregnant, possible birth complications (NICU or stillbirth...) and impact of all this on me, my other two children and husband...
• DH says a 3rd cannot be easier in any way. I'm sure he's right, at least in the short-medium term.
• Holidays and activities would need to cut back with three children.

So, if we go for it and it works we'll need to change my car for a bigger one (DH has a work car so no option to change that and it won't take 3 child seats in the back), will need to move soon-ish (before or after baby 3 is born (to a bigger house and massively declutter a loft and garage before that). I will need to take 12 mths mat leave again (I only get SMP in my job which pays £13k gross PA - DH earns £50k gross and is secure). Both boys will be in FT school come Sept 2020 so bulk of childcare will be just for #3 when I return to work and I'd have all day with the bay when on mat leave. I work part time currently and would go back part time after any 3rd baby.

Do I throw caution to the wind and at least try? Or is that crazy and irrational?

If we don't go for it, how to I move on mentally and emotionally? Will I need to grieve? Will the wonder 'what if?' ever go away?

I've had a couple of counselling sessions at the IVF clinic but to no avail.
DH says I just need to decide and not feel guilty either way and move on either way. Decision-making especially of this kind is not my strong point.

I can see positives later down the line of having 3 children and the immediate oxytocin rush of a newborn is like a drug but I feel there's a lot of tough stuff to get through between now and then and the later, more independent children stage.

Stick or twist? Be happy with the two I have who are more than I ever thought I would have or try for one more? Which regret is harder to live with?

I know people get pregnant at my age unplanned and it all works out fine but we would be actively taking steps to get pregnant which is different. And this would be our third, not a much-longed for 1st at the same age.

Please help. I can't function for thinking about this all.

If you had similar dilemmas - sticking at 2, not using good left over embryos - how did you make peace with it all?
(DH and I agree we couldn't donate embryos to another couple.)

HELP!!

Twinkles - congrats! Was your partner on board though?

DH and I always planned 3 with relatively short age gaps (ideally). We had 4 pregnancy losses then two children with an unexpectedly short gap of 17 months. By the time we felt ready to have a third, life was getting too comfortable. We did discuss it at length but DH would only have gone for it for my sake. 12 years on I'm really glad we didn't. Our children are lovely but life is very busy (we both have stressful jobs with long hours) and I feel like we have enough time for two children and would be stretched with three. Probably if we had three I would feel perfectly ok about it but my friends with three all seem more stressed than us so I don't regret it at all.

'You don't regret the children you have!' - that's a cliché that always comes up when I google this question. Is it true?

I know that people say that but my brother (and to an extent his wife as well) regret having their third child. They don't regret the child itself, who is the cutest, easiest kid ever, but they regret having three kids in total if you get my drift. It's too expensive for them, they can't give everyone enough attention and it's a drain on their marriage. So they do love little bobby (not real name) but their life would have been much better if they'd just have two children. Little bobby was a surprise pregnancy though, they'd already decided that they were done, so that might be a part of it.

I would say no. Let it go.
I'm a stranger who doesn't know you, but all you've written would lead me to say stick with what you have and try to start to live more in the present with your boys.
Best of luck whatever you choose

I don’t think there is a right or wrong answer. I feel done now though (my third child is 5 and definitely would not back to baby days). I’d give it a go if you can afford it mentally, physically and emotionally.

Honestly he was happy with having just the 2. I was the main driver for the 3rd. And not just because I wanted a girl but because I loved being pregnant, I loved babies and I just didn't want that chapter of my life to be over yet. We agreed to wait until our younger son was two and then talk about it. We had a holiday to Vegas and ended up getting in a fight about it so agreed to put the topic on hold for 6 months and not mention it. When the 6 months was up I was convinced that we should go for it and he said he was happy with whatever I wanted to do. I took that as a yes lol! We got pregnant immediately, had another easy pregnancy and had our baby girl who just fit right into our family. He has made a few comments like "well if we didn't have the 3rd kid ....." taking about how things are more difficult/expensive sometimes now but overall he knows it was the right choice.

Best of luck to you in your decision!! Xx

Cranston - that is really interesting. It's a bit how I feel about how things are now. I certainly don't regret either of my longed-for boys but life is harder and busier with two children rather than one. And adding one more will only increase that however incredible the individual child is. This is DH's issue - he can't see how a third would bring advantages but if we were in the situation your relatives had been in (unplanned third pregnancy) there's no way we would terminate or anything and we would adjust and cope and that would be our reality.
The risk of twins is also something that scares me... Blastocyst embryos like we have have a have a slightly higher chance of becoming twins...

I would say that when you get older, you will find that there are parts of yourself that you may want to reclaim. You may find that part of your nurturing self can be put toward your own self.

I think as you are in doubt it may be best to leave it.I appreciate your feelings towards the two embryos ,but that is what they are ,they havent been fertilised yet !.I think every woman feels sad that this is their "last one" so to speak but probably dont want to go back to basics .I for one could not imagine going through pregnancy and birth for a 3rd time .

Sunnycoco - 'live in the present' is what I would so love to do more of. x

None of the IVF/loss problems that you have faced, I'm really sorry about that, but I am currently pregnant with a third baby. My other two are 2 and 4.

With the second child it was a no-brainer, we just wanted more than one. But with this one it was a real head/heart debate over many many months before we decided. For me, I just wasn't done, but I don't think this is the case for everyone, I think many people know they are done with one or two or none! I wasn't and neither was DH. I know with absolutely certainty though that I am done now (once this one is born) so there is a change in feeling there.

There's not much point in me going into the stuff about finances but can we afford it? Just. Do we have the space? Just barely. But I didn't want to look around the table in ten years and feel that somebody was missing just because we wanted two weeks abroad every year or a bigger house.

The heart won for us.

I totally get the deadline. Mine was turning 40. This baby will be born just before I turn 40 but if it was going to be after then I wouldn't have done it. It seems random but I do think you need a cut off.

Nobody can make the decision for you, personally I listened to my heart but lots listen to their head and both are valid.

I’m going to say go for it!

Durgasarrow - thank you for that perspective.

Dottie - they are embryos (fertilised eggs) but who knows if they would survive the defrost process or implant properly.

Twinkle - I'm glad it all worked out for you. x

If it helps I don't think it is just because you have the embryos making you feel this way. I am 32 with 7 and 5 yr old DDs conceived naturally and still have overwhelming feelings of broodiness, wanting another baby, wondering what it would be like to have a son, feeling envious when I see mums with 3+ children....

But... my husband doesn't want any more and all my friends with 3 advise that it is far harder then they expected and much harder than 2. Most have said it is not the baby/toddler years of DC3 that have been difficult but rather when you have older maybe teenage DCs with a younger child say 5/6. I think I maybe would if DH really wanted to but my sort of wanting another and wondering about having a son are not strong enough reasons to go for it.

I'm focusing on enjoying the two I have and all the extra things we can do as they get older. I also find they need a lot of emotional support as they get older and in some ways that can be harder than the physical care little ones need. So much to keep on top of with 2 at school, all the school things + play dates, parties, activities it is relentless and would be that much harder with 3. They do loads of activities which they love, if we had a third we would have to cut back a lot. With two it will be easier to afford nicer holidays as they get older and support them financially in other things like University.

I think in most cases I know where people have had a third or more the DH actively wanted more too (rather than them just supporting the woman's preference). This was the key deciding factor for me.

mistermagpie - 'But I didn't want to look around the table in ten years and feel that somebody was missing just because we wanted two weeks abroad every year or a bigger house.' This is breaking me! But did you have all the fears I have about the pregnancy and birth itself?!

If you are feeling attached to the embryos, I would go for it- it may or may not work, if it doesn't then you tried, if it does then maybe they were meant to be. If it's more that you don't want to destroy them then donation to another couple could be an option? I have 3, and going from 2-3 was so much easier than 1-2. I also think that, health issues aside, you would 'know' if you were definitely done, and you sound like you do want to pursue having another child from your posts.

Yes I can understand that OP. You've been through a harrowing and traumatic time in the past, and now you're overwhelmed with indecision and worry about the future.

But all that you went through still resulted in your two sons. So let go as much as you can of the past AND the future, and start living the precious moments you have right now.

Just my advice, I'm certainly no expert. Best of luck x

I have two children and absolutely know that I'm done and am not considering a third. I'm also around 40 so it's not like I can say that now and consider it again in a few years time. The fact that you're not sure about it, makes me think you should go for it or you'll regret it.

No one can make this decision for you, but all I can say is that after recently having our third, I do not regret it for one moment. In fact it is absolutely wonderful in every way. The usual stresses, tiredness, and feeling of being spread too thin are of course present - but the older two absolutely adore the new baby and help out a lot. As long as you have a supportive husband and are ready to try without any guarantees (and it sounds like you are more than aware/prepared for it not working) then I would say go for it. At least you will have tried. Good luck with whatever you decide! X

Have you thought about the impact on the two children you already have?

Everything I’ve read is making me say “go for it op” I wish you the best

Hi,

What a hard choice to make - at least if you were undecided about trying naturally, you could let nature decide for you essentially. This is quite different because you would be putting yourself through so much. And your family too. BUT my thought is that deep down you do want another child or you wouldn't be having this nagging doubt. It's just your brain is trying to tell your heart why you don't want this! Now whether that's just a part and parcel of being a woman and reaching a certain point in her life is another matter. We have 3 children - the 3rd was a very pleasant surprise (I/we always wanted 3 but I was on the pill without missing any etc so it wasn't planned right then). When my 3rd son was born I felt this momentary sadness that I was never going to have that mother-daughter relationship that I so desperately wanted because in that moment I just KNEW I was done. Out of my 3 sons I am closest to my 3rd - and I have never once regretted having him. Until recently I was quite certain that I was done having children. Now I am a few months off 40 and there's suddenly this feeling hitting me that I want another baby. In fact even thinking about it has me almost in tears as I type! I think it's a biological thing - our bodies telling us to get a baby made before it's too late (look at where we come from evolution wise - we were "designed" to pretty much be constantly pregnant until we could no longer have children. At least I am really hoping that is the reason for this yearning! I'm certainly not in a position where I am going to be able to have another baby anyway.

But regardless of why you are having this urge, it doesn't tell you whether or not to do something about it. Now this might seem crazy - but flip a coin. Tell yourself "heads I do, tails I don't". If you see the outcome and your first thought is "let's do best of 3" it tells you your answer about what you really want. If you see what the coin says and you sort of nod and say "ok" it's because it is telling you what you already know/want. Does that make sense?

None of us can tell you what you need to do. But I do understand what you are going through and if I were in your shoes I think just having that nagging doubt I would decide to go for it. I will say that going from 2 children to 3 is actually much easier in my experience than it was from 1 to 2. We found that everything just sort of carries on. But financially it has crippled us.

And ignore the poster who was very rude to you earlier - yes there are people that would desperately want a child that don't have any, but if you were able to conceive naturally and weren't thinking about the IVF side of things no-one would be saying that, they tend to reserve those comments for people looking to have medical assistance with the process. It normally comes from issues for themselves and isn't really about you. If you decide to "put yourself through all of that again" in your 40's that is up to you and no-one else (not even your husband when it comes down to it, although you should have him on board ideally).

Good luck with whatever you decide. If you decide not to go for it I think counselling to help you move past the guilt/grief would be a good idea and perhaps hep you to think about the help you would be giving to others through the research that they can do as a result.

grumios - this is one of the issues I ponder in my OP. I can see positives and negatives and here most of the people commenting who went for three feel it turned out well. I do know that it must mean less parental time and more potential for sibling conflict though which are obvious negatives. And possibly parents who are older, more tired and more irritable?

A colleague of mine had multiple rounds of IVF and miscarriages. She eventually fell pregnant and went to term. The company contacted her to ask what she wanted to do with her last remaining embryos. She couldn't throw them away so she decided there was nothing to loose by trying again. It was successful!

Everything you've written makes me think that you absolutely want to go for it. Why not agree to try with the embryos you have and if it doesn't work out it wasn't meant to be?

That being said, i wouldn't do something so big without my husband being on board. Yours seems to not be sure just supportive.