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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To want to take care of my child myself when she's poorly?

161 replies

Stateexpectations · 12/09/2019 08:58

The biggest challenges when the children are ill are often posed by DH. He doesn't feel the same helplessness and worry that I do when they are ill. But, the biggest hurdle is getting him to empathise with how I feel, regardless of how he feels.

DC1 has been poorly a lot and ended up being dramatically rushed to hospital on a few occasions when unwell. We then discovered why her immune system was seemingly low, but its made me more alert than most.

DC2 is less poorly overall but gets v high temperatures. She is 1 year old.

1 year old has been ill for a few days now. It was decided yesterday that my inlaws would take care of her today so that I could go to work. However, after being up with her for much of the night, her refusing to swallow medicine and even breastmilk along with a temp of 38.8, I have decided that I need to be the one at home with her.

Inlaws are helpful but not as reliable at noticing any worrying signs and last time they took care of her when she was poorly, they couldn't work the thermometer and she had spent the day with a high temp, unknowingly to them with no calpol given.

DH responded "k" when he learned I was staying at home with her as opposed to dropping her off at his parents house. I could tell he wasn't happy. This was all I needed when exhausted and worried about dc. I asked him what the problem was and he said "my parents can take care of her, you need to go to work, you've only just returned from mat leave." I explained that they aren't capable of taking care of her along with why and he became very defensive of them.

I haven't gone to work, I argued with DH and said hurtful things before he left. And I'm now wondering if staying at home with her myself is unreasonable? To add, she wouldn't eat any breakfast and was sick in the early hours. My work have been fine, it's just DH. It makes the ordeal even harder when there's no support from him.

OP posts:

Angeldust747 · 12/09/2019 09:07

I think your in laws are probably capable of taking care of DD, but not as well as you would, which is quite normal. Perhaps you could word things slightly better to your husband as he may be getting defensive of his parents?
Overall though, YANBU to want to take care of DD yourself, if she is more poorly than usual and you are concerned. Hope she's better soon x

AmIThough · 12/09/2019 09:07

DH probably feels like you're taking the piss with work.

But you're completely in the right IMO. Baby would rather have mommy than GPs if they're not feeling well, and you'll notice any changes easily.

Namechangeforthiscancershit · 12/09/2019 09:09

Surely you know better than he does if there is an issue at work?

TheTrollFairy · 12/09/2019 09:12

I hate not being the one with my DD when she is ill so I would do the same as you.
You are an adult who is capable of managing your work. As a parent you are also entitled to parental leave so why not take it if it will make you feel more comfortable!?

dontlikebeards · 12/09/2019 09:29

YANBU wanting to look after your poorly child but telling your DH that his parents aren't capable of caring for your child was a very unpleasant thing to say. No wonder he got upset and defensive.

Ukholidaysaregreat · 12/09/2019 09:37

I feel the same as you. I can tell when my children are unwell and if they get worse or there is a change I would notice this first. For that reason I would take time off work if I was worried about them. Other carers do love them but are not as focused on them as I am. I think you were right!

herculepoirot2 · 12/09/2019 09:40

*However, after being up with her for much of the night, her refusing to swallow medicine and even breastmilk along with a temp of 38.8, I have decided that I need to be the one at home with her.

Your 1 year old needs you. Your DH should not be trying to pressure you to leave her unwell in a situation where you are not confident about her care.

JoxerGoesToStuttgart · 12/09/2019 09:40

God this all sounds so angsty! I think you all need to stop hand wringing over who looks after the child and why. I don’t get why it’s such an issue. Everyone looking for reasons to be upset.

Gazelda · 12/09/2019 09:40

I understand how you feel.

But in his defence, He's probably feeling

hurt on behalf of his parents' behalf that you don't feel his parents are good enough
concerned about the precedence this sets when your DC are unwell and how this may impact your job security
nervous about how he breaks the news to his parents

To be honest, I think if it were me I'd have shown them again how to use the thermometer, or got a simpler one. Then gone to work, making regular calls to check in.

Sirzy · 12/09/2019 09:42

No wonder your dh is pissed off when you told him you don’t trust his parents.

Realistically most employers will have a limit to what they will accept in terms of time off for childcare so you need to be realistic about when you take that time

DriftingLeaves · 12/09/2019 09:45

I'm with DH.

Userzzzzz · 12/09/2019 09:49

You are incredibly lucky that you’ve got grandparents near enough and willing to look after the children when sick. Unfortunately, you’re both right. You need to be careful with work and your 1 year old probably does prefer you. It is really hard and is one of the worst things about being a working parent. The one question I do have though is why isn’t your DH staying at home. If he’s worried about your job, he should be taking a turn.

minipie · 12/09/2019 09:53

YANBU to want to look after her yourself but YABU to have done a U turn since yesterday. DH now has to tell his parents they are no longer needed and by implication it will be clear to them you don’t think they are up to the job.

So he has to mess them around by asking them then un asking them (they may have rearranged plans to help out) and also has to hurt their feelings. I can see why he’s pissed off.

CmdrCressidaDuck · 12/09/2019 09:53

I'm with your DH, sorry. It's a massive leap from "couldn't work your thermometer" to "can't take care of your child" and there's a good argument for not giving Calpol for every temperature. Nothing happened to your child last time and nothing suggests this is more than a routine bug. You should go to work.

Original poster

Stateexpectations · 12/09/2019 09:59

She is much more poorly today.

Hence the change of decision.

Her temp is now 39.6.

Thanks God I stayed at home.

OP posts:

from123toabc · 12/09/2019 10:01

there could be plenty of reasons why DH doesn't think this is the most practical solution.

As a mother myself I understand wanting to be there when a child is ill but it isn't always practical. My grandparents where the ones to look after my DC when she was sick as I was a single mum at the time. If I had too much time off from work and got dismissed no one else was there to pay the rent. If I had a day of parental leave to care for DC when they were sick I didn't get paid and would struggle to pay the bills. I trusted my GP to look after her and they were happy to do so.

If DC had something terribly wrong I would be there in a heartbeat...but not for a temperature.
I'm no longer a single parent so I don't worry about the bills quite so much but I don't take time off if I don't have to. I'm lucky in that I can work remotely now too.

I do get both sides, this is a convo you have to have with your husband..try to take the emotion out of it if you want a successful solution though

minipie · 12/09/2019 10:05

Ok, well if it was clearly different and more serious this morning, then it’s not so much that you don’t trust the in laws, more that you are really worried about Dd and want to keep an eye on her yourself in case she needs taking to hospital or similar. Totally understandable.

I think you should make clear to your DH that you do trust your ILs generally, you are just not comfortable leaving your very unwell baby.

minipie · 12/09/2019 10:06

And hope your Dd gets better quickly

fruitofthenight · 12/09/2019 10:09

I can see both sides and don't think either are in the wrong. It's rough leaving a sick child with others and theres times you might have to but toddlers pick up so many things that you can't be there for them every time they're sick unfortunatly.
If the grandparents will be providing regular care then maybe you need to teach them how to use a thermometer or get an easy one they can use, you need to give instructions on when to give medicine or when to contact you.

Jizzle · 12/09/2019 10:10

I think YABVU OP. These 'people' you are talking about are her grandparents. They have successfully raised at least one child before, i'm sure they can look after your DD.

These mums who think only they can look after their child are the worst, often they don't even trust their own DP, a man they trusted enough to get married and have a child with, with looking after their child.

I think your DP is absolutely in the right here, you need to get a grip and start to trust his opinion too, you seem to get very worked up when your children are ill, and are actively annoyed that your partner doesn't show the same concern as you.

Span1elsRock · 12/09/2019 10:22

I can see what you mean OP but you also have to remember that your DCs grandparents love them and would never unwittingly cause harm.... they also managed to raise your DH successfully.

Perhaps you just need to be clearer with them about your expectations.... ie taking temperatures or feeling the back of their neck if they don't like thermometers.

ArgumentativeAardvaark · 12/09/2019 10:24

I am amazed that he thinks it is any of his business whether or not you go to work. You are an adult and the only one able to judge whether or not staying at home is an issue is you (provided of course you have been through all the proper channels with your employer). I would not take kindly to my DH sticking his nose into my relationship with my employer.

eurochick · 12/09/2019 10:27

Yabu. You are not the only person capable of meeting your daughter's needs. Children pick up bugs all the time. If I had been off every time my toddler was poorly I would never have been at work, particularly in winter. What can you actually do by being there that living grandparents can't? She just needs cuddles and a quiet day.

bluebell34567 · 12/09/2019 10:29

your dh unreasonable.

BertrandRussell · 12/09/2019 10:30

Do your children have underlyng health conditions, OP? How often are they ill?

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