To want to take care of my child myself when she's poorly?

[Stateexpectations]

The biggest challenges when the children are ill are often posed by DH. He doesn't feel the same helplessness and worry that I do when they are ill. But, the biggest hurdle is getting him to empathise with how I feel, regardless of how he feels.

DC1 has been poorly a lot and ended up being dramatically rushed to hospital on a few occasions when unwell. We then discovered why her immune system was seemingly low, but its made me more alert than most.

DC2 is less poorly overall but gets v high temperatures. She is 1 year old.

1 year old has been ill for a few days now. It was decided yesterday that my inlaws would take care of her today so that I could go to work. However, after being up with her for much of the night, her refusing to swallow medicine and even breastmilk along with a temp of 38.8, I have decided that I need to be the one at home with her.

Inlaws are helpful but not as reliable at noticing any worrying signs and last time they took care of her when she was poorly, they couldn't work the thermometer and she had spent the day with a high temp, unknowingly to them with no calpol given.

DH responded "k" when he learned I was staying at home with her as opposed to dropping her off at his parents house. I could tell he wasn't happy. This was all I needed when exhausted and worried about dc. I asked him what the problem was and he said "my parents can take care of her, you need to go to work, you've only just returned from mat leave." I explained that they aren't capable of taking care of her along with why and he became very defensive of them.

I haven't gone to work, I argued with DH and said hurtful things before he left. And I'm now wondering if staying at home with her myself is unreasonable? To add, she wouldn't eat any breakfast and was sick in the early hours. My work have been fine, it's just DH. It makes the ordeal even harder when there's no support from him.

And I don’t quite understand the thermometer thing- was your dd obviously in pain or really ill? If so then not giving calpol is a real issue. But otherwise?

YANBU. The GPs haven't given the medication when DC has been sick in the past, it's a no brainer really.

It's natural to want to stay home but that doesn't mean you should stay home. Your DH is probably worried about your job. You can't stay off every time your DCs are ill especially if you have DCs who are prone to being poorly. Sometimes you're going to have to go to work when they're ill.
As PPs said, you've also inconvenienced your PILs.

YANBU. you are the one who knows your DC best and can monitor any changes when they are ill. My DS was ill a lot when he started nursery and I looked after him until he was on the mend and then parents took over. This also meant taking time off work - and it meant a mixture of paid and unpaid leave. Work were great through as most people have actually been there themselves.

I share your concerns if in-laws did not notice your daughter had a temp the last time (there tend to be pretty clear signs tbh) and couldn't use the thermometer - I'm assuming you have an in-ear one and these are really easy to use. i think part of the problem may be a difference in view about when medication is needed - I found the older generation more willing to 'let them sleep it off' than give meds, especially for babies when it can be harder to administer

And as for posters saying your DH may have taken offence on behalf of his parents - he needs to grow up and understand illnesses change quickly with children and what seemed like a good idea yesterday may not be the best solution now.

And FWIW - during periods of illness I often have grandparents on standby but only confirm early in the morning if I need them!

I think YABU personally. I’ve also just returned from mat leave, I’ve gone back PT and I don’t think you’re putting yourself in a great position already taking sick days.

I understand your DH’s position, his parents raised him and he didn’t die. Why do you think they’re incapable of caring for their grandchild?

Yanbu. Dads and grandparents are so important to children but sick babies need their mothers. It’s unfortunate that capitalism penalises women for this but it isn’t ‘equality’ to pretend that parents are interchangeable at this age. I believe this regardless of feeding method but the fact your baby is bf is fantastic while she’s ill. My babies could keep bm down when they couldn’t stomach water, and it’ll have the precise antibodies she needs to help her immune system fight this illness.

I'm assuming OP is not taking a sick day, she is taking a day's leave to look after her v young child. What's the problem with everyone here? There is no reason grandparents can look after her daughter once she is on the mend - i.e. taking some fluid, eating a little, has a less high temperature.

Your DH is probably worried about your job. You can't stay off every time your DCs are ill especially if you have DCs who are prone to being poorly. Sometimes you're going to have to go to work when they're ill.

@WonderWomansSpin why would her DH know better than she does about what her employer will and won’t tolerate? She has said her work is fine with it. How patronising of him to second-guess that.

I can understand both sides. My concern would be that children get ill a lot and if you always want to take care of her you could end up losing your job. Also it may have annoyed his parents who may now refuse to look after her next time. But I am assuming in this case you just want to be there as she is so poorly, which is understandable. Hope she feels better soon.

Your child needs you at home, and especially if you're BFing.

When my DC have been ill, sometimes they wouldn't even take water, but they would always BF. no matter how ill they were. Plus your body will be making antibodies for them.

And when a baby is very ill, of course they want their mum.

It really saddens me that our society doesn't recognise or support this most fundamental bond between mother and young child.

It's partly to do with capitalism not valuing motherhood IMO, but so much of our culture seems to drive a wedge between mother and child, or make mothers feel bad for what are natural and positive mothering instincts.

It's partly to do with capitalism not valuing motherhood IMO

OP’s work are fine with it. Capitalism has nothing to do with this!

Totally, totally with you. When they are ill and still really small, it is VERY scary. With a mum I think it is more visceral. You need to be with them, but also I think mums at that stage of a child’s development are more intuitive. You carry them for 9months. That link is there. Your DH needs to butt out and respect it. I’m not saying all mums HAVE to be with their sick babies, if you have a much trusted family member, but if you feel you need to be there, then your DH should support you.

I couldn't take seriously the opinion of anyone who responded "k" to a decision!

Perhaps it was just best left at that point though, Op-the decision was made, no need to justify unnecessarily.

I also think it unfair of mothers who are OK about leaving a sick baby with another family member to criticise one who isn’t. One thing I learnt through having my kids is it’s not about “right” answers half the time, it’s about what is right for you and your family, what approach works. I couldn’t leave either of mine when ill, but perfectly understand that other mums who had really good relationships with family members who could look after the baby or much trusted professionals to do so would do so, and that is fine.

If the OP does not have an immediate pressing need to be at work, then a very high temperature in a baby is enough of a reason to be at home in my view.

not as reliable at noticing any worrying signs and last time they took care of her when she was poorly, they couldn't work the thermometer and she had spent the day with a high temp, unknowingly to them with no calpol given.

I think YANBU just for this. Couldn't work the thermometer?

Your DH needs to give his head a wobble. And I don't know why he thinks he can dictate to you what's best to do about work; why on earth would he know better than you?

@Fullyhuman What absolute nonsense. If a baby isn't being exclusively breastfed, of course the parents are interchangeable. The baby doesn't care who is looking after it, as long as it is someone they know and trust, which can just as easily be the dad. This sort of sexist crap gives all women a bad name.

OP’s work are fine with it. Capitalism has nothing to do with this!

I'm talking about the effect of capitalism on our culture, on people's attitudes towards work, and towards motherhood. The big picture, not what the OP's specific employer thinks.

People see working for money as a valuable use of time, but often don't value mothering in the same way, and the mother-child bond isn't respected as a result of that, in my opinion.

I can see why the previous occasion put you off a little however, all you need to do is show them how to work the thermometer or get a simpler one for them.

They are the GPs and you're very lucky to have them offer to take DC2 whilst you work.

I think that your DH is right too. You do need to be careful with work. There's still an awful lot of discrimination against mothers in the workplace.

That being said however, if DC2 has a huge temperature today you were right to stay home. You know your own child best.

I think you need to apologise for saying awful things about GPs. I can imagine the emotion and worry got the better of you and it just came out wrong.
Also acknowledge that DHs worries about work are valid but you genuinely felt the need to stay at home for DC2.

If you are going back to work, you must learn to trust the GPs. Trust them to do what's right. Even specify, if her temperature gets to a certain amount that they ring you right away. Have a plan in place that you all can follow.

You poor thing OP. It's awful when they're ill and you're braver than I was. I couldn't go back after mat leave because I just didnt want to leave DS. He was bf so rather a clingy baby.

YANBU and take her to the doctors if the fever has been dragging on and then gone up - especially if she has an immune system issue

You sound very dramatic. If my children are poorly with a temperature it isn’t a reason for me to take a day off. Surely your in laws can give calpol every 4 hours if you’ve told them to?

My little boy had a tummy bug he couldn’t shake off for weeks just before Christmas last year, he was only 18 months old but there was no way I could be off for 3 weeks to sit with him on the sofa! We just had to get on with it, luckily my parents are fine looking after our children even when they are poorly.

Why is this about Motherhood? Why can't DH stay home and look after his child? Surely he has personal or carer's leave too?

If your dd is sick so regularly then you may aswell quit your job (unless they fire you first) if you’re going to stay off every time your child has a temperature. Is it just rare occasions the grandparents have her, or have you got them looking after her whenever you’re in work? If they’ve got her all the time I think it’s out of order to say they’re incapable of looking after her when she’s a bit sick. You either trust them or you don’t. What happens if she’s fine when you drop her off but then gets sick in their care? Are you going to walk out of work and take her every time? If they can’t use the thermometer you’ve got, that’s easily resolved by showing them how to use it..

And if she wasn’t obviously poorly she didn’t need calpol.

@Fullyhuman
“Dads and grandparents are so important to children but sick babies need their mothers. It’s unfortunate that capitalism penalises women for this but it isn’t ‘equality’ to pretend that parents are interchangeable at this age.”
What?!! Parents ARE interchangeable. A man can care for a sick baby just as well as a woman. And capitalism has nothing to do with anything.

YANBU it’s very difficult to leave sick children when you’ve been in the unfortunate position to have to rush them to hospital. I’m also in that position and I’d do exactly the same as you.