To want to take care of my child myself when she's poorly?

[Stateexpectations]

The biggest challenges when the children are ill are often posed by DH. He doesn't feel the same helplessness and worry that I do when they are ill. But, the biggest hurdle is getting him to empathise with how I feel, regardless of how he feels.

DC1 has been poorly a lot and ended up being dramatically rushed to hospital on a few occasions when unwell. We then discovered why her immune system was seemingly low, but its made me more alert than most.

DC2 is less poorly overall but gets v high temperatures. She is 1 year old.

1 year old has been ill for a few days now. It was decided yesterday that my inlaws would take care of her today so that I could go to work. However, after being up with her for much of the night, her refusing to swallow medicine and even breastmilk along with a temp of 38.8, I have decided that I need to be the one at home with her.

Inlaws are helpful but not as reliable at noticing any worrying signs and last time they took care of her when she was poorly, they couldn't work the thermometer and she had spent the day with a high temp, unknowingly to them with no calpol given.

DH responded "k" when he learned I was staying at home with her as opposed to dropping her off at his parents house. I could tell he wasn't happy. This was all I needed when exhausted and worried about dc. I asked him what the problem was and he said "my parents can take care of her, you need to go to work, you've only just returned from mat leave." I explained that they aren't capable of taking care of her along with why and he became very defensive of them.

I haven't gone to work, I argued with DH and said hurtful things before he left. And I'm now wondering if staying at home with her myself is unreasonable? To add, she wouldn't eat any breakfast and was sick in the early hours. My work have been fine, it's just DH. It makes the ordeal even harder when there's no support from him.

My parents are childcare and I operated a system whereby if I would send them into school or nursery (not an issue now as they are at school) they can manage. Anything else is a parents responsibility. A couple of times whilst looking after then they have gotten ill and handled appropriately.

If your work are fine (which they would need to be if you used paid childcare) then it is not a problem. You know what you can and cant push with that (as I do) and that is your decision to make

I suspect that your DH is more worried about you than your child, OP.

You were honest enough to say that you are 'more alert than most' and with his comments about not taking time off work that also makes me wonder if you didn't want to return to work and he's worried that you are using this as an excuse to (potentially) leave work.

Your DH being happy to go to work himself is not unsupportive though, nor should it be seen as him caring less for the children than you. You feel better for being at home with your child which is fair enough, but whatever is making the child ill is not affected by who is with her.

@fiveleftfeet
“I'm talking about the effect of capitalism on our culture, on people's attitudes towards work, and towards motherhood.”

🙄 western culture’s attitude towards work & motherhood vastly pre-dates capitalism. It’s like arguing that the effect of capitalism on relationships has resulted in the institution of marriage. A complete anachronism.

@Jizzle I agree. In my case my DP and a few of my older brothers would be better looking after my DD or any other sick children in my family, as they have unfortunately had practice.

OP
I am wondering if you will be taking DC to see a doctor? Running a fever for three days straight and it’s gotten worse last night not even taking liquids and a higher fever this morning is not good. She could be dehydrating.
I think you were right to stay home because she’s taken a turn for the worse, but she may need to see a doctor.

YNBU at all. DD often spends the day with PIL and all is well but they are unreliable when she is ill. I dropped her off a little under the weather but generally ok to to to a training course. There was plenty of calpol and her fav foods in the changing bag. I returned just before the doctors is due to close to a baby with a high temp, calpol given but they couldn't remember what time and PIL saying she had barely eaten and drunk all day. They hadnt wanted to call me to collect her which would have been the best thing. Now maybe they'll learn from this but I would certainly be a lot more cautious next time

The one question I do have though is why isn’t your DH staying at home. If he’s worried about your job, he should be taking a turn

Why would HE take time off work when HE feels his parents are more than capable of looking after his child?

People saying her employment situation isn’t his business are talking crap. He’s allowed to be worried she’s jeopardising her job if they need the money, if course he is! Her employer might appear to be ok with it now, but it’s going to be noticed and taken into consideration if there are redundancies it if she applies for a promotion etc. Stupid to say otherwise, no matter ‘the law’

@Stateexpectations
It’s understandable you’d like to be with your DD all the time and it’s hard for most mums to go back after maternity leave, but as you have gone back presumably you need the money? So you have to find childcare you trust to look after DD

Plus you sound very very anxious, perhaps you need to see your GP about that?! 🌷

Hope DD is better soon 🌸

You need to make a judgement call as to when your child is unwell enough to need a parent (you or your dh) home. And if you feel that’s the case you need to just explain that to work. Dh and I used to alternate if our kids were too poorly for childcare (fortunately didn’t happen often) though we were rational and reasonable about it and if one of us had a big meeting or something more difficult to miss at work, then the other parent would stay home even if not their ‘turn.’

However where I think YABU is that it sounds like your in laws are good enough to be used as childcarers most of the time but you seem to think they become ‘incapable’ when your child is ill. It’s hard to believe reasonable responsible adults who have raised their own children successfully would suddenly be rendered incapable. If the in laws are competent enough to be trusted with the day to day care of a 1 yr old then fine. If they aren’t then why are you using them at all?

My issue would be that your post smacks of wanting it all on your terms—convenient in laws care when it suits, but slating them as incompetent when it doesnt.

Op i haven't rtft thread yet but i can see your side and i can see your DH side. My Dc is older which makes a difference but they have a rare illness which can knock them off school . I can't take that amount of time off work , i work part time , as lovely as my bosses are and they really are lovely they have a business to run and me doing this would cause them real issues. I also have my inlaws who look after my DC , if
my DH is also working that day, being older my DC knows how to manage it and my inlaws make sure they just keep hydrated .I trust them and know if they did become really worried they would be straight in contact with me .Op it is tough before we got diagnosis for DC i didn't feel happy leaving them but they are happy as you can be while ill with their grandparents. We have learnt to adapt round it .

I think the fact you're talking about a 1 year old makes a difference. I wouldn't have wanted to leave DD with anyone else if she was unwell enough to be refusing feeds at that age.

If you were talking about a 4 year old who can communicate well about how they're feeling I'd feel differently about it and think she'd be fine with her grandparents.

You have every right to choose your mothering work over your job work any day :)

Well done !

Good post hearthside

Mothering ‘work’?
Gosh I’m glad I never saw mothering as ‘work’.

Gosh I’m glad I never saw mothering as ‘work’.

The last shitty nappy I changed certainly wasn’t ‘play’. 🙄

Does your husband do 50% of these events (I.e. the days they can't be left with relatives). If he doesn't, then you must insist.. Failure to share these family obligations is what hurts women's careers.

Your work may seem okay but they will start to put you in the "mum with other priorities" categories. Your DH must step up too.

YANBU. You want to be there and work is fine about it. Why would you pass your sick child to someone else if you can be there and want to be?

Your child needs you.

YADNBU OP

I am amazed that he thinks it is any of his business whether or not you go to work It would worry me if my partner was off work and it may affect our family income. It would also worry me because surely people are aware employers track attendance and the OP's job could be at risk. It surprises me that the OP isn't aware of this. Although the enployer comes across as being ok, it will still be recorded and tracked.

However, he should be taking time off too not just the OP.

I wonder how many posters saying the op should stay off would say the same if it meant their child's teacher being consistently off work, missing double A level classes for instance? Not all jobs are pointless paper shuffling or standing at atoll, interchangeable between personel. A cover teacher can only assign a task, not actually teach the subject. It's all very well to talk about motherhood trumping work but it simply isn't that simple.

Angry, the OP says 'My work have been fine'.

Work dont really have a choice at this time to be other than fine about it.

But, the fact is I'd this keeps happening the company may decide they cant keep up with this level of absence.

In this instance yes, but there's 'fine' as in not making a fuss right now but making a dim view over the longer term and 'fine' as in they really don't mind which seems unlikely, especially if it becomes a frequent occurrence. I also meant not specifically in the OPs case but the general issue of childcare for sick kids. I am a single mum, teacher, with good family support and have had to very reluctantly ask my parents to cover when I'd rather be at home with poorly dc because whilst my immediate boss would be understanding, the management and pupils' parents would be less so, if it's just before exam season even more so.

Been to the doctor and been diagnosed with hand foot and mouth.

The doctor applauded me for taking the day off as "breastmilk is the best thing for her right now as she runs the risk of becoming very dehydrated if she won't eat or drink."

No brainer.

A sick child needs it's mother?

Thank god either of mine would be happy with me or DP.

I'm with DH here.