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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to take care of my child myself when she's poorly?

161 replies

Stateexpectations · 12/09/2019 08:58

The biggest challenges when the children are ill are often posed by DH. He doesn't feel the same helplessness and worry that I do when they are ill. But, the biggest hurdle is getting him to empathise with how I feel, regardless of how he feels.

DC1 has been poorly a lot and ended up being dramatically rushed to hospital on a few occasions when unwell. We then discovered why her immune system was seemingly low, but its made me more alert than most.

DC2 is less poorly overall but gets v high temperatures. She is 1 year old.

1 year old has been ill for a few days now. It was decided yesterday that my inlaws would take care of her today so that I could go to work. However, after being up with her for much of the night, her refusing to swallow medicine and even breastmilk along with a temp of 38.8, I have decided that I need to be the one at home with her.

Inlaws are helpful but not as reliable at noticing any worrying signs and last time they took care of her when she was poorly, they couldn't work the thermometer and she had spent the day with a high temp, unknowingly to them with no calpol given.

DH responded "k" when he learned I was staying at home with her as opposed to dropping her off at his parents house. I could tell he wasn't happy. This was all I needed when exhausted and worried about dc. I asked him what the problem was and he said "my parents can take care of her, you need to go to work, you've only just returned from mat leave." I explained that they aren't capable of taking care of her along with why and he became very defensive of them.

I haven't gone to work, I argued with DH and said hurtful things before he left. And I'm now wondering if staying at home with her myself is unreasonable? To add, she wouldn't eat any breakfast and was sick in the early hours. My work have been fine, it's just DH. It makes the ordeal even harder when there's no support from him.

OP posts:
corythatwas · 12/09/2019 16:04

otoh yes, you probably made the right decision this morning

otoh if you always panic when one of your children is ill, then maybe you need to work on how you deal with that

as your children grow they will pick up on it and it won't help them to deal with illness at all- seeing that their mother gets exhausted and helpless every time something is wrong is very scary for them

you don't want to them to be in the situation where they dread telling you if they think something is seriously wrong because mum always gets so upset

I know as a child there was one of my parents whom I never even wanted to know I was feeling unwell because of their helplessness. It even carried on to the next generation: when my dd developed really serious health problems (as in, might not live until she grew up), one of her requests was that her condition should be kept from this particular grandparent as she didn't feel strong enough to carry them. A child shouldn't have to think about the grownups in that protective way.

So what I would recommend is, work on your poker face as well as on your reactions. If you are the calm rock of the family, the one who never panics even in the face of real trouble, it will reassure your children- but also make it much harder for your dh not to take you seriously.

Be kind, be impressive.

And decide (quietly) whether your ILs can be trusted with a potential emergency or not: in the latter case, sadly, you can't use them for childcare at all as emergencies can arise at any time. (tbh I would be wary of someone who needed a thermometer to decide whether a child had a high temperature: that should be pretty evident anyway.)

NoSquirrels · 12/09/2019 16:37

the OP isn't asking for reassurance on/insight into work absence

Nikita work absence IS directly relevant to the OP’s original question which was:

I'm now wondering if staying at home with her myself is unreasonable?

OP was asking because her DH pointed out that absence from work shortly after maternity leave could be a problem.

And it could be a problem!

That’s not spiteful.

Chathamhouserules · 12/09/2019 16:55

hmm, your baby is not that ill, actually, and perhaps you could have gone to work if your childcare is up to the job
No doctor would ever say that. If asked this question they'd just give a platitude like op's Dr did. If the op had gone on to ask 'and do you think it would have been wrong to leave baby with in laws and expressed milk?' the Dr would prob have said 'yes that would be fine too'.
I think you should have just been more tactful with your dh and said you'd rather be with baby, instead of saying his parents would be incapable.
Maybe he thinks that as your children are ill quite often (sorry to hear that) that you would be better saving up requests for time off for hospital visits etc.

IncrediblySadToo · 12/09/2019 17:02

You have every right to choose your mothering work over your job work any day

Of course she does.

As long as they don’t need to rely on her wages!

IncrediblySadToo · 12/09/2019 17:07

Does your husband do 50% of these events (I.e. the days they can't be left with relatives). If he doesn't, then you must insist.. Failure to share these family obligations is what hurts women's careers

HE was happy with his patents ability to look after his child. Insisting he puts his job at risk when there’s no need really doesn’t help any of them.

@Stateexpectations sorry to hear about the ‘F&M’, hope she’s better soon 🌷

However it doesn’t change my thoughts on your thread.

Of course it’s nice to be there when they’re not well, but you need childcare that you trust and if you can’t trust them when she’s not well you need different childcare IF your income is relied upon.

IncrediblySadToo · 12/09/2019 17:12

I actually think the worst thing is that he wasn't as concerned as you were! He is the father after all, didn't he consider taking the day off?

Why would he when HE was happy with his parents care?

IncrediblySadToo · 12/09/2019 17:15

doctor am I right to take the day off work to be with her?"

Not at all a leading question was it?

What’s a Dr supposed to say? ‘No you should have left her in the garden on her own?’

They really don’t have the time or inclination to meet & assess the grandparents to see if their care woukd have been perfectly adequate!

Paintedmaypole · 12/09/2019 17:20

YANBU, young children find it comforting to have their mother around when they are ill, obviously they will be okay with their Dad or grandparents but especially if breastfeeding would be better with you and you would also feel better. I am sure your MIL would completely understand if you just said "She is worse today and very whiney so I have decided to stay at home. Unless you are off work frequently they should be understanding about it. This dosn't fit with how some people would like things to be.

cardibach · 12/09/2019 17:20

I have never owned a thermometer. I managed to drag DD to adulthood by giving her carpool if she was visibly ill/felt hot to the touch. If the in-laws couldn’t spot this, it’s worrying I guess, but you don’t say whether your DC had any symptoms, so...
As other posters have said, you can’t take a day off every time your child has a temperature. Most places allow 3 days per year.

Nonnymum · 12/09/2019 17:22

I know how you feel. And for what it's worry I think you have done exactly the right thing for your baby and probably for your in laws too.

Paintedmaypole · 12/09/2019 17:23

I do think though that the grandparents are likely to be completely competent if the illness is fairly mild and you are probably worrying too much.

Sammi38 · 12/09/2019 17:32

You’d have been damned if you do and damned if you don’t in this situation OP, you done what you thought was the best thing for your DD, and I’d have said she would have definitely preferred being with her mum when ill.

You’re getting some unnecessary flack here. Hope your dd recovers soon. My ds was the same as your dd always getting ill with really high temperatures, feeling really poorly, so I do empathise.

yellowallpaper · 12/09/2019 17:37

You are completely right and not unreasonable. A mothers instinct is often spot on when their child is ill. Your child needs you and the rest of them can get stuffed.

yellowallpaper · 12/09/2019 17:40

Maybe suggest to DH you take a years sabbatical Grin

seven201 · 12/09/2019 18:09

I think I'm with your dh on this one. You can teach them how to use the thermometer and they'd give cuddles too. No they can't give breastmilk, but you could when home and you could have left strict instructions to call if they felt dd needed help/trip to doctor.

I'm allowed 4 days for child sickness a year, max of 1 at a time. My dd missed I think 16 nursery days last year. I took 4, dh did maybe 8 as annual leave and the rest we had to get family members to come stay as we don't live near them. I guess it depends on your job but mine is not flexible or understanding!

My mil looked after my 1 year old while I went to work when she was ill. I was convinced she just had a bug but MIL insisted on taking her to the gp. Turns out she had a chest infection! Mother doesn't always know best!

73Sunglasslover · 12/09/2019 18:37

I'd worry about how this might affect work. In my line of work it needs to be really rare for you to be off with a sick kid or you will have to be let go.

username1724 · 12/09/2019 18:43

Completely with you, ds had a temp of 40 when he was just turned 1 and I called straight in without hesitation. I was then up all night with him whilst OH slept soundly and then couldnt sleep for checking on him. There are some things more important than a days work.. dont feel bad.

user1471449295 · 12/09/2019 18:49

I’m sorry but a baby that young, with that temperature and grandparents that can’t evwn work a thermometer...I’d be with that baby and sod anyone who tried to tell me any different. A baby with the sniffles is different to a baby with a temperature that is obviously poorly. A mum knows their baby better than anyone, and if you honestly felt like you needed to be with her, then that is what was needed. Hate all these ‘you give women in the work place a bad name’ retorts. Mother first and employee second. Yes it’s shit timing, but that’s how it sometimes go when you’re a parent

BenWillbondsPants · 12/09/2019 18:49

Jeez, some posters really get a little bit of a buzz out of being unkind to someone else. It's fucking weird.

Hope your DD is ok, OP. It's crap when your DCs are ill.

lovemenorca · 12/09/2019 18:49

You're not the only person capable of caring for your sick child...and the attitude that 'mummy' needs to stay home and nurse their ills is just another black mark against women in the workplace. It makes us look flaky.

Or a very committed parent

lovemenorca · 12/09/2019 18:50

Who is putting black marks against their names.

Posters like you

Rubyupbeat · 12/09/2019 18:50

Tbh I would never have left my children with anyone when they were I'll, ever! I still remember wanting only my Mum as a child so did the same for my sons.
I suppose the difference is I never had to work, so was very fortunate.

OooErMissus · 12/09/2019 18:58

You did the right thing by staying home with your sick child.

You did the annoying thing by needling your DH, and then also telling him his parents aren't capable.

When he responded with 'K' - why didn't you just accept it, instead of pushing for the argument? Confused So bizarre.

You had your way, why not just take it?

Bostonbullsmumma · 12/09/2019 19:19

My baby at the same age was so poorly with hand foot and mouth. It was horrible- one day I went up the doctors twice with him as I was so worried. You had been up with a poorly baby and you were concerned; of course taking the day off makes sense. My mother in law is fantastic but she goes in to panic mode when my children are ill and much prefers me having them! Hope your little one feels better soon

JazzyGG · 12/09/2019 19:19

No one looks after your kids like you do. My sister had mine the other week I walked straight in and could see one was poorly, I said "what's the matter with DD" sister hadn't noticed anything. She was then sick all over me.