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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to take care of my child myself when she's poorly?

161 replies

Stateexpectations · 12/09/2019 08:58

The biggest challenges when the children are ill are often posed by DH. He doesn't feel the same helplessness and worry that I do when they are ill. But, the biggest hurdle is getting him to empathise with how I feel, regardless of how he feels.

DC1 has been poorly a lot and ended up being dramatically rushed to hospital on a few occasions when unwell. We then discovered why her immune system was seemingly low, but its made me more alert than most.

DC2 is less poorly overall but gets v high temperatures. She is 1 year old.

1 year old has been ill for a few days now. It was decided yesterday that my inlaws would take care of her today so that I could go to work. However, after being up with her for much of the night, her refusing to swallow medicine and even breastmilk along with a temp of 38.8, I have decided that I need to be the one at home with her.

Inlaws are helpful but not as reliable at noticing any worrying signs and last time they took care of her when she was poorly, they couldn't work the thermometer and she had spent the day with a high temp, unknowingly to them with no calpol given.

DH responded "k" when he learned I was staying at home with her as opposed to dropping her off at his parents house. I could tell he wasn't happy. This was all I needed when exhausted and worried about dc. I asked him what the problem was and he said "my parents can take care of her, you need to go to work, you've only just returned from mat leave." I explained that they aren't capable of taking care of her along with why and he became very defensive of them.

I haven't gone to work, I argued with DH and said hurtful things before he left. And I'm now wondering if staying at home with her myself is unreasonable? To add, she wouldn't eat any breakfast and was sick in the early hours. My work have been fine, it's just DH. It makes the ordeal even harder when there's no support from him.

OP posts:
crikeycrumbsblimey · 12/09/2019 13:19

The sexist shit on this thread is appalling; so much is not about the child’s need for their mother but the mother’s need to feel the most important to the child.

OP, my child had febrile temp spikes (often over 40) and you can’t leave them with someone who can’t work a thermometer. You have to be able to judge the changes in temp, medicate and judge the response to the medicine, mind often didn’t respond so then we would be off to docs. It would be very hard to leave DC with anyone else when it was like this who didn’t understand what was involved.

However you need to consider whether you will trust anyone else to look after your child whenever they are ill because if you don’t, having a job is going to be difficult. Kids are ill a lot!

GlasshouseStoneThrower · 12/09/2019 13:21

sick babies need their mothers

If this were true, motherless babies wouldn't have much chance...!

OP, I don't think you were wrong to stay at home, but I'm another who can see your husband's POV. He probably did feel defensive about your criticism of his parents, and he's probably also worried about your job. It's great that your work have been supportive and hopefully that will continue, but there will inevitably be a limit to how much time you can take off to care for your children. If as you say they are frequently ill, you will need to find a more long-term solution.

Try and have a more open conversation with him about what your plans are going to be when this issue arises in future. Hopefully you can both de-escalate the fight and find a good way forward.

DarlingNikita · 12/09/2019 13:22

But, the fact is I'd this keeps happening the company may decide they cant keep up with this level of absence.
How spiteful. Hmm

NoSquirrels · 12/09/2019 13:22

You trusted your instincts which is OK.

But your DH wasn’t entirely out of order and I think it’s unhelpful if you don’t acknowledge his point.

Most employers will be flexible with mothers when they return from
maternity leave as long as they don’t take the piss. But it is a concern that work will look unfavourably on it, and if you’re a working parent you need to accept you can’t be there for every illness and have plans in place for that.

Jizzle · 12/09/2019 13:25

What a coincidence OP that the doctor specifically "applauded me for taking the day off" considering you have been pillaried here for it.

NoSquirrels · 12/09/2019 13:25

Nikita what’s “spiteful” about that comment? It’s a fact. Confused
You’re not entitled to stay off work to look after sick dependents unless under specific circumstances. Excessive absence can be grounds for dismissal.

Drogosnextwife · 12/09/2019 13:27

Usually in all for parents being the ones to look after their own sick children. As a childminder I am sent children that really shouldn't be with me for their own comfort and for the sake of the other children and me. Sorry but I think YABU. Your DH is probably worried your work will think you are taking the piss and sack you eventually.

I have k
2 children and have never had a thermometer, they both survived and both have been to hospital with illness. Don't need a thermometer to tell me when they have a temp, you can't base someone's ability to look after a child on whether they can work a thermometer.

Ilikethisone · 12/09/2019 13:30

@DarlingNikita jesus wept. Its now spiteful to state facts?

Tennesseewhiskey · 12/09/2019 13:31

What a coincidence OP that the doctor specifically "applauded me for taking the day off" considering you have been pillaried here for it.

I was just thinking the same thing. I wonder if the dh will be sceptical too.

DarlingNikita · 12/09/2019 13:34

NoSquirrels, your speculation on what someone else's company (about whom you know nothing) 'may decide' in some imagined future is in no way a 'fact'.

Ilikethisone, see above re what's a fact and what isn't.

Not to mention, this is so not the point of the OP's question.

I don't know what on earth is wrong with people sometimes.

WaterOffaDucksCrack · 12/09/2019 13:34

Did they genuinely clap their hands and applaud 😂

callmeadoctor · 12/09/2019 13:34

I actually think the worst thing is that he wasn't as concerned as you were! He is the father after all, didn't he consider taking the day off?

Original poster
Stateexpectations · 12/09/2019 13:35

I think many posters have been quite supportive of it actually @Jizzle and yes it is a coincidence isn't it.

But when you ask the question, "doctor am I right to take the day off work to be with her?" Their response is completely out of my control. How odd that you have issues with my doctor's recommendations primarily because they don't agree with your views.

Why are you still here again?

OP posts:
WhyBirdStop · 12/09/2019 13:38

How does your baby usually get breast milk while you are at work? I'd assume you're expressing, in which case your presence isn't required for your child to have breast milk. Hand foot and mouth isn't even that bad, DNs and then DB (!) had it recently. Can't go into nursery because it's contagious but DM still looked after DNs . If you don't trust them don't use them for free childcare, what would happen if the child fell ill whilst with the grandparents? Do you have anxiety about your own health?

Original poster
Stateexpectations · 12/09/2019 13:39

No @WaterOffaDucksCrack
She said "oh yes, you were definitely right, I applaud you for it actually."
She went on to say why.
Hope thats ok with everyone.

OP posts:
multiplemum3 · 12/09/2019 13:40

Oh shut up did the doctor applaud you 😂

Original poster
Stateexpectations · 12/09/2019 13:41

Nope. No breastmilk when I'm at work.
But she's not ill everyday so doesn't require it as her primary source of hydration.

Pleased for you that your children weren't too poorly with hand foot and mouth. Mine haven't been poorly much with chicken poc, unilke other children I know.

Feel like I'm at the centre of a wolf-pack!

OP posts:
BertrandRussell · 12/09/2019 13:42

If the dr said that she was completely out of order. I really hope she didn’t.

DontMakeMeShushYou · 12/09/2019 13:43

She said "oh yes, you were definitely right, I applaud you for it actually."

Well, doh! What else is she supposed to say to the panicking mother sitting in front of her desperately seeking her approval for taking the day off. She was being kind to you OP!

Original poster
Stateexpectations · 12/09/2019 13:43

@multiplemum3, don't you have anything better to do? Perhaps parenting one of your multiple children as opposed to attacking people looking for advice on MN.

OP posts:
KittyVonCatsington · 12/09/2019 13:43

Just read your update OP and well done for taking her to a doctor and you did make the correct choice in hindsight.

However, would you acknowledge that saying I explained that they aren't capable of taking care of her along with why and he became very defensive of them. was totally out of order and very hurtful to your DH?
Would you be happy, if your children's future spouses said the same thing about you, to them?

I think you were both unreasonable this morning. Understandable in a stressful situation but I think you both need to apologise to each other and hope that your inlaws never hear about what you have said about them (as bang would go your free childcare and their relationship with your children).

NoSquirrels · 12/09/2019 13:43

I don't know what on earth is wrong with people sometimes.
Me either, Nikita, me either.

OP, hope your baby gets better enough to leave tomorrow, and that you can patch it up with your DH. Be kind to each other. Being a working parent is a hard balancing act, and no decision is ever 100% the right one I have learned!

Original poster
Stateexpectations · 12/09/2019 13:44

Actually gobsmacked by some of the responses I'm now reading here.

Clearly some have huge issues now with breastfeeding.

Have a nice day.

OP posts:
Cakeorchocolate · 12/09/2019 13:45

I agree. I would much rather be with dd when ill than anyone else look after her.

Quartz2208 · 12/09/2019 13:49

@whybirdstop a lot of assumptions there. I worked from when my children were both 1 and never expressed and stopped just before and just after 3
And it can be mild DD got it mildly. It can be awful DS was so ill in the run up he got sent from the GP to A&E as they were unsure what was making him so ill and then when it finally came out he was literally covered - one thumb along had over 20 blisters. It was hell. Unfortunately it was after he stopped nursing and getting any form of liquid down him was next too impossible.

And yes I did end up having to take some time of work with it