To want to take care of my child myself when she's poorly?

[Stateexpectations]

The biggest challenges when the children are ill are often posed by DH. He doesn't feel the same helplessness and worry that I do when they are ill. But, the biggest hurdle is getting him to empathise with how I feel, regardless of how he feels.

DC1 has been poorly a lot and ended up being dramatically rushed to hospital on a few occasions when unwell. We then discovered why her immune system was seemingly low, but its made me more alert than most.

DC2 is less poorly overall but gets v high temperatures. She is 1 year old.

1 year old has been ill for a few days now. It was decided yesterday that my inlaws would take care of her today so that I could go to work. However, after being up with her for much of the night, her refusing to swallow medicine and even breastmilk along with a temp of 38.8, I have decided that I need to be the one at home with her.

Inlaws are helpful but not as reliable at noticing any worrying signs and last time they took care of her when she was poorly, they couldn't work the thermometer and she had spent the day with a high temp, unknowingly to them with no calpol given.

DH responded "k" when he learned I was staying at home with her as opposed to dropping her off at his parents house. I could tell he wasn't happy. This was all I needed when exhausted and worried about dc. I asked him what the problem was and he said "my parents can take care of her, you need to go to work, you've only just returned from mat leave." I explained that they aren't capable of taking care of her along with why and he became very defensive of them.

I haven't gone to work, I argued with DH and said hurtful things before he left. And I'm now wondering if staying at home with her myself is unreasonable? To add, she wouldn't eat any breakfast and was sick in the early hours. My work have been fine, it's just DH. It makes the ordeal even harder when there's no support from him.

Clearly some have huge issues now with breastfeeding.

Why d’you say that, OP? I can’t see any anti-BF comments?

@DarlingNikita no company puts up with regular absence over long periods. How exactly does a company function if their staff have a large amount of staff off alot?

Given the ops husband ia concerned about her job too. So its not made up.

You saying that someone telling someone high level of absence, is putting their job at risk, is spiteful is not a fact.

It's an opinion based an naff all.

Stateexpectations sorry to hear your DD has hand and foot and mouth. I hope she feels better soon

I can't see any other anti breastfeeding comments...

What myself and other posters are pointing out is how the OP suddenly she has to be there for her DD, and simply no one else will do, and BF is suddenly essential, but DD copes just fine when mum is at work on any other day.

And OP, of course the doctor said that whilst you were there. You asked if you made the right decision to be with her, without also saying to the Dr that there was an equally competent set of grandparents or father to look after her. The doctor wasn't saying it was specifically YOU who had to stay off with DD.

I think you are projecting your anxiety onto your kids and this 'needing' to stay at home is really for your own benefit not your childs. Your DH seems to think so too.

Its dreadfully sexists to say 'a sick child needs its mother' actually a father can do just as good a job as anyone else.

Your in laws are capable of looking after your child, as is your DH. All this fussing and cloistering is going to have a negative affect on how the kids deal with the real world.

and as for the doctor saying 'I applaud you' etc hmmmm well not sure I believe that!

ps hope your kid feels better soon.

jizzle of course breast feeding an ill child with a high temperature and painful sores in the mouth is going to a priority to a mother who would otherwise be at work. Infants and young children dehydrate quickly when unwell, it would seriously unusual for a mother to shrug her shoulders and skip off to the office without a backwards glance at a child with HFM and a temperature of 39 who breastfeeds.

Ilike, seriously?

OK.

'no company puts up with regular absence over long periods.' Where the fuck in the OP's posts is there any suggestion that this is happening?

Given the ops husband ia concerned about her job too. So its not made up. He was concerned. She (whose job it actually is and whose work relationships they actually are) tells us her work are fine about it.

You saying that someone telling someone high level of absence, is putting their job at risk, is spiteful is not a fact. Again, until or unless it turns out that the OP is off every five minutes, this argument is irrelevant.

It's an opinion based an naff all.

Pots and kettles

op hope your child is better soon, you’ve had some absolutely crackers comments on here. I say that as a HCP and a mother.

That temp would make me take my DC to the hospital!

Sorry, just seen you've been docs. Doh! Confirmed you did the right thing. A mother always knows. Never doubt yourself

Jizzle that is a little bit anti breastfeeding though as this

What myself and other posters are pointing out is how the OP suddenly she has to be there for her DD, and simply no one else will do, and BF is suddenly essential, but DD copes just fine when mum is at work on any other day.

is entirely true with longer term extended breastfeeding. Your child can cope perfectly well without it but when they are ill they revert and want it a lot more. It is just what happens with extended breastfeeding and questioning it can seem a little bit anti it.

@DarlingNikita in the OP she says the following:

"DC1 has been poorly a lot and ended up being dramatically rushed to hospital on a few occasions when unwell. We then discovered why her immune system was seemingly low, but its made me more alert than most.

DC2 is less poorly overall but gets v high temperatures. She is 1 year old.

1 year old has been ill for a few days now. It was decided yesterday that my inlaws would take care of her today so that I could go to work."

No she hasn't explicitly stated how much time she has taken off to be with her sick children, or whether she is taking it as annual leave, unpaid leave etc.

However you can surmise from the above both that she's already been off for a few days with DC2 (as GPs were drafted in so she could go to work today), and that her other child has been very regularly ill. Given the whole point of her post, it would seem unlikely that she's been happy to attend work when her other child is ill.

Which does lead to a reasonable conclusion that she's probably off work fairly regularly looking after her children. And most workplaces won't take kindly to that over a long period of time, if it's more than an average amount.

Now if that is not a true surmises of the events, then OP has nothing to worry about. But it's not unreasonable to warn of the potential consequences, given she has said she feels it's important to always be the carer for her children when they are unwell.

No, elessar, I just don't agree. First of all, as you say, this is just 'surmising' on no grounds whatsoever.

And more to the point, the OP isn't asking for reassurance on/insight into work absence.

So my original point, on what has turned into a really bizarre argument – that an unwarranted and groundless comment on work absence and how it imperils jobs – is just spiteful and not helpful or at all asked for, absolutely stands.

“The doctor applauded me” indeed

Hilarious

suddenly she has to be there for her DD, and simply no one else will do, and BF is suddenly essential

Unicef describe BFing as food, love and medicine.

BFing can be extremely helpful to a sick child, helping provide hydration when this is desperately needed, nourishment even when DC refuse food, comfort and medicine - breastmilk is full of antibodies tailor made for that child in that environment.

No one else can do this in the way a BFing mother can. Babies who refuse even water as too sick will usually still BF.

We should be supporting mothers to nurse their babies when sick not telling them they have anxiety for following their instincts to mother their children.

@DarlingNikita yes seriously. It's right there in the op.

The child get poorly. Alot. If it's the mother that a sick child must have at home. Then she will be off.....alot

So actually basing my opinion on what been written.

ellesar I think you’re joining too many dots that might not be there. She could have been on mat leave for most of the incidences of illness or work for an organisation who are really understanding about absence that relates to children being unwell (I do).

So my original point, on what has turned into a really bizarre argument – that an unwarranted and groundless comment on work absence and how it imperils jobs – is just spiteful and not helpful or at all asked for, absolutely stands.

I was answering when some said work will be fine. I pointed they might be now. But if it happens alot, they wont be fine forever.

I didnt say they arrmt fine now or OP needs to be scared of getting the sack right now. But its worth thinking about if you point of view is that a sick child must have its mother.

No one else can do this in the way a BFing mother can. Babies who refuse even water as too sick will usually still BF.

We should be supporting mothers to nurse their babies when sick not telling them they have anxiety for following their instincts to mother their children.

The OP could have said this to her DH, without insulting her inlaws though.

A doctor could say "hmm, your baby is not that ill, actually, and perhaps you could have gone to work if your childcare is up to the job". This particular doctor didn't.

OP, having a sick child is horrible and I sympathise. My dh never seemed to get how dreadful I felt when dd was ill, but tbh I needed to have someone who would keep hold of reality.

However, your doctor thought you have done the right thing, so you're clearly in touch with reality yourself despite your children's illnesses, so it would be nice if your dh trusted your judgement.

The OP could have said this to her DH, without insulting her inlaws though.

Or he could know already. Mine and my parents did without it needing to be said

Or he could know already. Mine and my parents did without it needing to be said

But at the time of the argument, the OP didn't want to stay home with the daughter purely to breastfeed. This was only established later on today and in the thread. At the time, the OP just wanted to be the one to stay home with her daughter. The inlaws were not 'capable' apparently.

Sometimes it’s difficult to articulate exactly why you need to stay with and be close to an ill child but your instincts tell you to do that.
I have a friend who’s husband is a paediatric consultant but he still looks to her when the kids are ill as her initial instincts often tell him as much about how unwell the child is than his professional view.
It’s not always easy to explain why you’re worried when you’re tired and concerned about an unwell child but it’s often important to go with your gut.

You're not the only person capable of caring for your sick child...and the attitude that 'mummy' needs to stay home and nurse their ills is just another black mark against women in the workplace. It makes us look flaky.