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Original poster

Unwanted shoulder rubs as a sign of dominance ?!

188 replies

OLP2019 · 12/09/2019 06:46

Ok so my dh runs a company and I also work there - I have a normal mid manager level role but obviously slightly different in that my dh is the boss/ I've always tried very hard not to take the piss but we have two dc and due to the seniority of dh role it was always me leaving early to pick them up or staying home if they were sick etc.
Back in the day when we had babies the company was very small and so I was my role so I could easily afford to work part time hours most of the time but always did my work and even if I was "off" did what was needed and never let anyone down
The company has grown a lot and so has my role and i am now full time and work long hours - granted dh and I travel a lot however we are never "off" and always working and I see that as the pay off for coming and going as I please. I'm very successful and good at my job despite dh being the boss he isn't my direct boss and I hardly ever see him in the office
So that's the background! Here's the issue
When we were smaller dh was doing everything and eventually hired a young hot shot sales guy to groom to run the sales team. This guy is a good sales guy but very rough around the edges and a bit cowboy. Has bugged dh for promotion but doesn't seem to get that there is more to a management role than just selling and has never grasped the strategic and forward planning side of the senior role he wants
I would describe him as a big swinging dick kind of guy.
Anyway he seems to have always had an issue with me.
I joke that he wants to be married to dh and get chance for the pillow talk.
He has complained about me to dh more than that made and has also reported me to hr more than once. He doesn't seem to understand how I get to "swan in and out" and he doesn't. Well I guess that is a benefit of being married to the owner of the company .
On the surface we get along but we have butted heads over the years. I have never pulled the "married to the boss" card for what it's worth. We have hung out and had some laughs but knowing what he's said and done behind my back, to my own husband even, I don't trust him at all.

Anyway to get to the aibu - recently Whenever he comes to talk to me he gives me a shoulder massage ! Like comes up behind me and suddenly there he is !!

We are definitely not friendly enough for that kind of physical contact and I do have male friends at work I consider close who would never do that and if they did I would say wtf ?!
For some reason I let him do it because it always takes me by surprise
I wonder if he does it to show other junior staff that he is "in@ with the boss and his wife and also if he does it to dominate me ?!

Thoughts ?!

For the record I don't feel creeped out enough to report it but I do find it very odd that he does it to me and an curious about why when I know he doesn't really like me at all

OP posts:
Original poster
OLP2019 · 12/09/2019 17:18

Hi thanks for all the messages sorry for slow reply I am at work (not swanning about ha ha)
My husband is co owner of the company the other owner runs another office in another country. I am not a director or co owner .
I have never wanted to be in a senior management / strategic role although I could probably be if I wanted too. I enjoy the role I have a lot and it affords me a lot of flexibility due to the nature of the work - so sometimes I am working long hours into the night and other times I am quieter.

I used to work part time and had no set hours really so it probably appeared I was coming and going - however at that point as I said I was part time and also just contracting. These days I work fairly regular hours.

Dh and I like to travel and go away every few months however we always both work remotely. For what it's worth this guy has had a moan about both DH and myself not being in the office and why can't he do that too? I guess what he doesn't see is that often if I leave the office early I will then log back in at home and work a few more hours. Or doesn't see us sitting by the pool on holiday working.

This guy has been with the company around 5/6 years and is now a VP - so on paper is more senior however we really have a fairly flat structure and I am one of several division heads of which he is just another one.

He has always had it in for me for some reason and likes to undermine me to DH - who does put him in his place by the way.
He's just a big child

But the shoulder massage is really too much now I see it for what it is - as in not just creepy but actually intended to intimidate

OP posts:
Ilikethisone · 12/09/2019 17:31

For what it's worth this guy has had a moan about both DH and myself not being in the office and why can't he do that too? I guess what he doesn't see is that often if I leave the office early I will then log back in at home and work a few more hours. Or doesn't see us sitting by the pool on holiday working.

But you said they have the flexibility to do this?

He is a dick. But I suspect his issue with you relates to being able to come and go as you please.

Not that, that excuses him touching you.

Original poster
OLP2019 · 12/09/2019 17:38

We have flexi hours for all staff and work from home as well as early finish on Fridays - but yes absolutely he wants what he perceives me and DH to have basically

But no excuse for the touching !

OP posts:
Ilikethisone · 12/09/2019 17:48

I am really sorry.

But I dont understand what you and your dh have that he doesnt. It seems he already does.

Again its not excuse for his behaviour. But you are really blurring the line of employee or owner.

billy1966 · 12/09/2019 17:52

OP, definitely trying to intimidate you.

I think by allowing him to disrespect you, you are giving a very poor example within the office as to what is acceptable.

The next time he does it tell him calmly "do not touch me again". Look him straight in the eye when you do.

Do not allow him to laugh it off.

I would then tell your husband that he is inappropriate and disrespectful of you.

He needs to be firmly out in his place.

Perhaps he needs to move on if he finds how yourself and your husband juggle work.

I would also say he is bitching about ye behind your back to other staff.

All in all, it sounds like a very unprofessional set up.

Even in my very early 20's in the late 80's I knew I didn't have to put up with anyone putting their hands on me!

You need to firm up your boundaries.
G'luck.

Hadalifeonce · 12/09/2019 18:06

There used to be a chap do this in my office, turns out he was doing it to several of the younger women who felt powerless to stop it. When someone eventually told him to stop, so many women breathed a sigh of relief. She became a hero to those who felt less able to stand up for themselves.

ellzebellze · 12/09/2019 18:15

Would he do this shoulder massage to a male colleague? No, he wouldn't.

Your husband is his boss and he is trying to make it look like your husband is being cuckolded right under his nose.

It is definitely intended to intimidate you and put you in your place. It is also sexually dominant in nature, and therefore sexual harassment. I suspect that other staff who witness it might be thinking "Well, if she lets him touch her like that in public...I wonder what they get up to when no-one's looking?"

A sharp "GET OFF!!" combined with a violent shake of your shoulders is entirely necessary here. You also need to tell your husband right now.

Original poster
OLP2019 · 12/09/2019 18:38

@Ilikethisone But you are really blurring the line of employee or owner how so ? DH and I definitely set our own hours more than other staff are permitted to do- but like I said DH is the boss if he wants to go away somewhere then I go with him a lot of the time. So we are both working but not in the office
Other staff have normal perks of flexible arrangements within the bounds of normal employment hours if that makes sense.

He wants to be allowed the same perks as DH and by default me - but doesn't see the trade off is that we are always working and never offline - unlike other staff who when on vacation are not expected to check in as it should be

Regardless of the hours DH and I work it's nothing really to do with him and as PP said I have no doubt he bitches to staff about it.

He and I have been butting heads less generally recently but now it's clear that the recent shoulder massages are his new method of getting to me

OP posts:
Ilikethisone · 12/09/2019 18:57

DH and I definitely set our own hours more than other staff are permitted to do- but like I said DH is the boss if he wants to go away somewhere then I go with him a lot of the time. So we are both working but not in the office

That's exactly what I mean about blurring the line. You are an employee.

At the end of the day your dh will run his business how he wants. However, the perks of being the bosses wife, will annoy some people because you arenr being treated as an employee.

You and your dh may think thats fair enough, but it could cause problems and resentment.

Witchinaditch · 12/09/2019 19:00

Why don’t you run the company with your DH? I find it weird that your in a junior role to him. Especially as you say you’re good at your job. Sorry I know I’ve missed tube point of the thread. I’d report him or at least tell him to stop.

MyOtherProfile · 12/09/2019 19:38

Why don’t you run the company with your DH? I find it weird that your in a junior role to him

It's not weird. She might not have the right skill set for running a company.

Dutch1e · 12/09/2019 19:44

@NearlyGranny excellent post

CupoTeap · 12/09/2019 20:00

He thinks he's untouchable

Witchinaditch · 12/09/2019 20:30

She said herself she was successful and good at her job and it sounds like her husband works in the office also. I find it very weird, but I’ve grown up in family fun businesses. Each to their own.

Dutch1e · 12/09/2019 21:40

I wonder if this whole thread is being a bit derailed by the fact that it's your DH's company. It's irrelevant why dick-swinger doesn't like you, or what your position in the business is.

How would you handle this kind of unwanted contact if you worked for any other business? Do that.

TatianaLarina · 12/09/2019 21:57

but yes absolutely he wants what he perceives me and DH to have basically

He can set up his own company.

To me he just sounds like one of life’s malcontents, maybe a problem with women, or just this one in particular.

MyOtherProfile · 12/09/2019 22:38

She said herself she was successful and good at her job

Yes. But not necessarily the same skill set as running a company.

EBearhug · 13/09/2019 02:39

It doesn't matter if tell OP is a co-owner or an employee. It doesn't matter if she is legitimately working flexibly or taking the issue with hours. There could be issues there which need dealing with, though it doesn't seem it to me. But all that is completely irrelevant because it makes no difference to the fact he is touching someone without permission in the workplace. Even if you were defrauding the company of millions and breaking every other employment law, it doesn't make what he is doing acceptable.

LenoVintura · 13/09/2019 08:41

But what is it that he perceives you and DH have that he doesn't? You say everyone can work flexibly - does he not do that for some reason? Surely he must realise that you're entitled to your holidays just as he is? Are you saying that your DH takes a lot of leave and that because you travel with him you get more leave than other employees? You need to be clearer about exactly what he wants, because I think you're clutching at straws to explain his behaviour when really he's just a twat and your DH needs to bin him off.

Original poster
OLP2019 · 13/09/2019 09:41

@Witchinaditch Why don’t you run the company with your DH? cos I don't want too?!

OP posts:
Haworthia · 13/09/2019 10:03

I can’t believe people have been suggesting you feign a shoulder injury to avoid an outright confrontation.

Fuck that.

Women are conditioned from childhood to tiptoe around men, especially when it comes to angering them. It’s self-preservation, sure, but in this particular scenario you need to have the balls to say “Don’t touch me”.

Dutch1e · 13/09/2019 13:54

But what is it that he perceives you and DH have that he doesn't?

Access to the OPs body. Which is really the only issue that matters

messolini9 · 13/09/2019 14:04

For the record I don't feel creeped out enough to report it

I feel creeped out that your first thought for redress is to involve a 3rd party authority. What is wrong with simply removing his hands/yourself, & telling him to not touch you?

It is definitely a dominance display.
Stop letting him get away with it.

btw, good salespeople are not hard to find. I'd be looking for reasons to help Mateyboy move on ...

messolini9 · 13/09/2019 14:05

In a way I've ignored it and laughed about it

Just DON'T.
It's not funny, it's not welcome - why should you make a sham of appeasement because of it?

messolini9 · 13/09/2019 14:08

I don't want to create drama but want him to know I know his game If that makes sense ?

Then next time he gets handsy, just say, in a bored kind of voice, "can you not do that please" -
& if he doesn't stop IMMEDIATELY, get up & walk away.

Anything he says after that - ANYTHING - just repeat, "I asked you not to do that, now I'm telling you to stop talking about it."

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