Unwanted shoulder rubs as a sign of dominance ?!

[OLP2019]

Ok so my dh runs a company and I also work there - I have a normal mid manager level role but obviously slightly different in that my dh is the boss/ I've always tried very hard not to take the piss but we have two dc and due to the seniority of dh role it was always me leaving early to pick them up or staying home if they were sick etc.
Back in the day when we had babies the company was very small and so I was my role so I could easily afford to work part time hours most of the time but always did my work and even if I was "off" did what was needed and never let anyone down
The company has grown a lot and so has my role and i am now full time and work long hours - granted dh and I travel a lot however we are never "off" and always working and I see that as the pay off for coming and going as I please. I'm very successful and good at my job despite dh being the boss he isn't my direct boss and I hardly ever see him in the office
So that's the background! Here's the issue
When we were smaller dh was doing everything and eventually hired a young hot shot sales guy to groom to run the sales team. This guy is a good sales guy but very rough around the edges and a bit cowboy. Has bugged dh for promotion but doesn't seem to get that there is more to a management role than just selling and has never grasped the strategic and forward planning side of the senior role he wants
I would describe him as a big swinging dick kind of guy.
Anyway he seems to have always had an issue with me.
I joke that he wants to be married to dh and get chance for the pillow talk.
He has complained about me to dh more than that made and has also reported me to hr more than once. He doesn't seem to understand how I get to "swan in and out" and he doesn't. Well I guess that is a benefit of being married to the owner of the company .
On the surface we get along but we have butted heads over the years. I have never pulled the "married to the boss" card for what it's worth. We have hung out and had some laughs but knowing what he's said and done behind my back, to my own husband even, I don't trust him at all.

Anyway to get to the aibu - recently Whenever he comes to talk to me he gives me a shoulder massage ! Like comes up behind me and suddenly there he is !!

We are definitely not friendly enough for that kind of physical contact and I do have male friends at work I consider close who would never do that and if they did I would say wtf ?!
For some reason I let him do it because it always takes me by surprise
I wonder if he does it to show other junior staff that he is "in@ with the boss and his wife and also if he does it to dominate me ?!

Thoughts ?!

For the record I don't feel creeped out enough to report it but I do find it very odd that he does it to me and an curious about why when I know he doesn't really like me at all

He is being completely inappropriate. Tell him to stop it. Make a note of when it's happened and tell him that if there's any nonsense you'll take it to HR.

"Swanning around" I've been a relatively senior person in a huge company, with many years of service and with that comes a certain leeway - especially if you do a lot of hours. So for me the OPs position and behaviour is completely normal. A relatively new sales manager doesn't have that relationship (yet) with the company.

As for promotion - is he meeting his KPIs or exceeding them? Tell him, as I tell people (and had to hear for a long long time): demonstrate that you can work at that level with that responsibility and we'll consider it. (and in my last company you wouldn't be considered without at least 3 years seniority in your current position)

He reported the co-owner of the company to HR?? Is this guy an idiot

Clearly. Except she’s not the co-owner hence the resentment I suspect.

I question his judgement and the judgement of whoever thinks employing him is a good idea. Having a ‘rough round the edges’ ‘ cowboy’ running your Sales team - is questionable. Particularly someone who doesn’t have the brains for a management role, but doesn’t understand this, or indeed grasp his limitations.

Then we have his weird behaviour with you.

You don’t trust him, most likely some of your clients don’t trust him either.

all this sounds like a tv soap.

He reported the co-owner of the company to HR?? Is this guy an idiot

Aside from the fact that the OP is not co owner. Do you believe that people shouldnt complain to HR about owners? Even if the concern is genuine?

@Ilikethisone I'd seriously bet that op owns 40%+ shares in the company and she's married to the 'owner'.
Of course HR should be there for genuine concerns (although that's not exactly the way it works in practice as HR are employees). His complaint consisted of being annoyed that op had flexible working. Which is none of his business. And yes, he's an idiot as anyone with half a brain would realise it's completely stupid to report the co-owner/owners wife/major shareholder to HR.

@Pikapikachooo

It might be unfair but that's how it works. You own the company you can do what you want and if you're married to the owner and you doing what you want makes their life easier then that's what happens.

Agree wholeheartedly with @picsinred that's the best advice for sure. I'd be doing this by the book because from experience guys like this can get pretty vindictive when told no from a female in the workplace, especially if he perceives her as some kind of threat/competition. Tell DH asap, get advice from an employment lawyer and approach HR with your concerns. In the meantime I'd remain professional and cordial yet detached.

I'd seriously bet that op owns 40%+ shares in the company and she's married to the 'owner'

I am betting not. OP refers to herself several times as the bosses wife. Not co owner.

In fact it wouldnt surprise me if her dh isnt the sole owner.

His complaint consisted of being annoyed that op had flexible working. Which is none of his business.

You cant offer flexible working on the basis of being married to the employee. Anyone can request flexible working. Maybe he wants it and has been told no. There has to be a business case to decline it. And since op does it, there could be a case for precedence.

Which is the problem with employing family. If you give them perks, but don't entertain those perks for all employees, that can and should be taken to HR.

So he's complained about you to your DH and HR and hasn't been shut down by either by the sound of it. Why aren't they backing you?

Another one in favour of an assertive "Take your hands off me". It sounds as if you are over thinking this a bit - or maybe it's other posters?

Regardless of your position this is unwanted touching in the workplace. There is no way he can turn his behaviour round into anything acceptable. So tell him loud and clear. If he'll do this to you in public, what horrors is he inflicting on less powerful and younger members of staff?

@Ilikethisone there's no indication in the op that the guy has asked for flexible working and been denied it.

Ps I own 40% shares in my DH company and don't refer to myself as co-owner. Thankfully we don't employ anyone though.

I wouldn’t even say please
A simple “don’t touch me” should suffice
Quiet but firm, then if he continues just raise the volume each time

And of course no need for “take your hands off me” to be said loudly for the whole office to hear, no need to make a drama. Just a quiet and firm “please don’t touch me again”.

takes me off guard as he comes up behind me and I just freeze and then we carry on having a work convo (without the touching) yes it's totally weird don't know why I allow it to go on

OP you're skirting round the edges of victim-blaming yourself here. It makes me feel really sad for you.

Not only is it an obvious power play, it's one with sexual overtones. The moment he touches you, you're jolted into a high-threat situation. Your conscious brain doesn't entirely want to admit his behaviour is a deliberate attempt to dominate, probably because it makes you feel like you're not in control when you ought to be - but a freeze response to a sudden threat is normal and not your fault.

Repeat that to yourself as often as you need. Freezing in response to threat is normal.

So stop beating yourself up for not having been able to immediately and clearly assert your right not to be touched without consent. Blaming yourself is just distracting you from gathering up the mental wherewithal to do what you need to do to keep yourself safe while modelling a best-practice response for the other women in the office to learn from.

I know you don't want him to feel like he's 'won' - the good news is you don't need to worry about that, because there's no victory condition on this one. There's no option of the past tense. This is a present continuous situation. Which unfortunately means he's going to keep on feeling like he's 'winning' if you keep freezing. Focus on that, and you will find your courage.

Whatever the ownership structure, it most certainly is ‘the family business’. In a few short years, the OP’s kids will be helping out over the holidays and doing their work experience there. It is the main (only?) source of family income, and 100% of the adults in the family work there full-time.

I’d be using the the term ‘the family business’ frequently around this guy, until he gets the picture.

We have a similar set up, with a gun sales manager who isn’t a family member. He’d never presume to flex his muscle around me, and would find himself in a ‘quiet chat’ with HR if he started this unwanted touching nonsense. Family businesses are not the same as others. Obviously there’s a system of hierarchy that runs parallel to the organisation chart. It’s naive to think there isn’t, or ‘shouldnt’ be.

No one’s forcing this handsy guy to work in a family business structure. If he prefers a so-called level-playing field, he has the choice to work in a non-family business.

@skittlesandbeer. “Gun salesman”? Typo, or do you actually sell guns?

He sounds very manipulative - it's probably part of a game plan. You really need to report it to HR.

there's no indication in the op that the guy has asked for flexible working and been denied it.

And there no indication he doesnt want it. Maybe he ran the idea passed opa dh and he said not a chance.

Given op has gone into quite a bit of detail but not mentioned she actually owns the business, I would assume not.

Fact is we dont know if the OP owns part of it. Or if this twat is just annoyed she has flexible working or actually the office being run unfairly and wont accommodate anyone elses.

Given the fact that he has complained to the owner AND HR and hasnt been very sternly told to pack it in, means either he has a point or for some reason HR and her husband dont have her back.

haven't rtft but FGS don't say please or ask him not to touch you
just turn round when he does it look him in the eye and say
don't do that

you don't need to explain or apologise

if he asks /takes the piss just follow it up with
don't do it I don't want you to do it

that's ample explanation

It's your family business time to pull rank. Had the same problem with a man at my uncles business. The solution was simple. Call him out once ask him what he thinks he is doing. The solution is simple next time it happens grab his hand squeeze it hard maybe bend his fingers a little and say. I told you once this is the second time now do not do this again or you will ha e no future with this company. He sounds like a cretin treat him like one.

Yes everyone has flexi hours and work from home ability it's not me being special at all though prob the difference is that I dont have to get approval as such from a manager before I do it
^from the OPs post at 7:47 today.

The issue can't be the flexible working if the whole office has that option.

The issue can't be the flexible working if the whole office has that option

I missed that

However, if that's the case what the perks if being the bosses wife that she talks about?

And that wont be what he complained to HR or the DH about. 'She has flexible working, I want to complain'

Response 'yes everyone does'. End of.

People are assuming the complaint is about OP flexible working. But if everyone does, thata nor what is complaining about.

That's said, the shoulder rubbing, is not on regardless.

However, if that's the case what the perks if being the bosses wife that she talks about?

OP clarified that she does not consider herself to have such perks, she was quoting what Cowboy had said to her (I too thought she meant it at first and was confused when she then said she had never played the “married to the boss” card).

Definitely a power play and very inappropriate. Next time a shrug and a firm "please don't" at the very least.

Seems he is a bit of a loose cannon, a liability and also generally a dick. I would make a written complaint about his behaviours including the unwanted touching and snide comments. Report every incident. It is within your grasp to crack down on his attitude and behaviour, you don't have to tolerate this level of disrespect. I would expect full support from DH and HR.