Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Unwanted shoulder rubs as a sign of dominance ?!

188 replies

OLP2019 · 12/09/2019 06:46

Ok so my dh runs a company and I also work there - I have a normal mid manager level role but obviously slightly different in that my dh is the boss/ I've always tried very hard not to take the piss but we have two dc and due to the seniority of dh role it was always me leaving early to pick them up or staying home if they were sick etc.
Back in the day when we had babies the company was very small and so I was my role so I could easily afford to work part time hours most of the time but always did my work and even if I was "off" did what was needed and never let anyone down
The company has grown a lot and so has my role and i am now full time and work long hours - granted dh and I travel a lot however we are never "off" and always working and I see that as the pay off for coming and going as I please. I'm very successful and good at my job despite dh being the boss he isn't my direct boss and I hardly ever see him in the office
So that's the background! Here's the issue
When we were smaller dh was doing everything and eventually hired a young hot shot sales guy to groom to run the sales team. This guy is a good sales guy but very rough around the edges and a bit cowboy. Has bugged dh for promotion but doesn't seem to get that there is more to a management role than just selling and has never grasped the strategic and forward planning side of the senior role he wants
I would describe him as a big swinging dick kind of guy.
Anyway he seems to have always had an issue with me.
I joke that he wants to be married to dh and get chance for the pillow talk.
He has complained about me to dh more than that made and has also reported me to hr more than once. He doesn't seem to understand how I get to "swan in and out" and he doesn't. Well I guess that is a benefit of being married to the owner of the company .
On the surface we get along but we have butted heads over the years. I have never pulled the "married to the boss" card for what it's worth. We have hung out and had some laughs but knowing what he's said and done behind my back, to my own husband even, I don't trust him at all.

Anyway to get to the aibu - recently Whenever he comes to talk to me he gives me a shoulder massage ! Like comes up behind me and suddenly there he is !!

We are definitely not friendly enough for that kind of physical contact and I do have male friends at work I consider close who would never do that and if they did I would say wtf ?!
For some reason I let him do it because it always takes me by surprise
I wonder if he does it to show other junior staff that he is "in@ with the boss and his wife and also if he does it to dominate me ?!

Thoughts ?!

For the record I don't feel creeped out enough to report it but I do find it very odd that he does it to me and an curious about why when I know he doesn't really like me at all

OP posts:
Original poster
OLP2019 · 12/09/2019 07:52

@HangingRock I haven't told him!
It's happened a few times in the last 6-9 months but really only today I thought to myself what the fuck is this ?! I know how that sounds - I didn't like it the previous times but just kind of brushed it off as an awkward moment
Don't know why today I was particularly bothered and actually started to think about what was the motivation behind it
Weird I know

OP posts:
Marcipex · 12/09/2019 07:54

Obvious power play.
I think you’re overthinking it. Never mind who collects children from school etc. It’s unwanted physical contact, so what would you tell any other employee to do?

Quartz2208 · 12/09/2019 07:56

Doesn’t matter what the motivation is it’s inappropriate behaviour
And for this stop thinking of yourself as the wife of the boss and escalate to hr and your boss

And I think stop joking about being married to the boss there should be no visible effects of this

CuriousaboutSamphire · 12/09/2019 07:56

So today is the day you are prepared for him and won't let it go.

Decide your stratgey and use it the very instant his hands touch your shoulders. Be calm, be assertive, don't apologise, as in "I am sory X but I don't like that", just say somethinig short, simple and unequivical

"Stop touching me, it is inappropriate."

or "Get your hands off me"

SAHD2020 · 12/09/2019 07:57

Your husbands response when he complains to him should be ‘she is my wife and a co-owner of this company (which you are as you are married), so please be careful what you say’.

Ultimately your husband should have your back and if this guy complains to him he needs to be put in his place. As for the shoulder rubs politely ask him to stop. If he doesn’t then Pull rank and get rid of him.

Ilovecolinjackson · 12/09/2019 07:57

Please stop him in his tracks op, the longer you leave it the easier it will be for him to turn it back round on you i.e well why didn't you say something before, it's never bothered you before, we were just joking about.
If it feels wrong, it is wrong and it is easier to deal with if it's nipped in the bud, also tell people talk about it with those who witness it, if you don't again he is likely to use that in his favour.
People like him will always overstep boundaries and hope people will just let them. Stop netting him and kick him into touch he is a slimy wanker.

doublesheesh · 12/09/2019 07:58

Hang on... you own the company. Your Dh runs a company where you work. It's your company. In a divorce, you would split assets. Wtf this dude messing with the bosses wife/co-owner of the company. I don't get it. Tell him in no uncertain terms that he gets his hands off you and that touching coworkers is not only inappropriate but illegal. Pull your weight.

crimsonlake · 12/09/2019 07:58

Another one who is surprised that you have not simply told him to stop it?

Quartz2208 · 12/09/2019 08:00

Sahd2020 no it shouldn’t be. His response should be this is inappropriate behaviour towards a member of staff and it should not be tolerated. Get it down as a disciplinary measures

Pulling rank and saying that sows the seeds for his assertions being correct. She shouldn’t get special treatment and indeed nowhere does she say she is a co owner

Sewrainbow · 12/09/2019 08:01

Do what calmdownjanet said, NO jokes. He shouldn't be getting away with it and as a pp said your office won't be a comfortable place for younger women to work in if they see you treated like that and you dont respond appropriately. You should take the advice you would give out to a junior employee.

FireBloodAndIce · 12/09/2019 08:02

I had this with a boss once, shoulder squeezing and always from behind. I finally stood up, looked at him and asked very loudly if there was a reason he kept squeezing my shoulders. He blustered, glared, hated me from then on but i squeezed in 'don't do it again, it's not appropriate.' Before he left.

His was powerplay too.

CandyLeBonBon · 12/09/2019 08:02

Unwanted physical contact is unwanted physical contact. The rest of the stuff is irrelevant. He's complained to HR about you 'swanning off' because actually he's a sexist prick. It came to nothing because you've done nothing wrong. Everyone is entitled to ask for flexible working and your work patterns are none of his business. He's the type that thinks part time workers aren't 'proper' members of the workforce because they're 'only' part time.

His attitudes and unwanted physical behaviour belong in the 90's.

Stand up when he does it next time, turn around to face him and clearly state that his touching is inappropriate and not to do it again. If he does, report to HR.

katewhinesalot · 12/09/2019 08:04

I'd probably stop it but go the the chicken route.

Feign a shoulder injury and tell him to stop it as its aggravating it.

PicsInRed · 12/09/2019 08:09

Report it to HR with a medium term view to legally removing him from the company. I would see the advice of an employment lawyer to assist your company in this.

He bitches about you to your own husband, he reports you to (your own!) HR for doing what you are allowed to be doing. I would be shocked if he isn't making similar or worse comment to the rank and file staff.

If he's psychologically and sexually harassing you, why wouldn't he do that to a junior employee?

He's a troublemaker who will cause dissent in the ranks and damage your own business and possibly bring legal trouble. Get him out.

WhyBirdStop · 12/09/2019 08:10

'is there a reason you're touching me?' is a phrase I've used in the past in similar situations. There is no reasonable answer to it.

SAHD2020 · 12/09/2019 08:13

@Quartz2208....I was summarising. Of course there is a process to follow but I meant go through the right channels but she should absolutely pull rank as a co-owner of the company!!

We are also assuming OP is in the UK. Other countries have varying different employment laws and in some countries you can fire at will so there are no processes in place.

chemenger · 12/09/2019 08:14

Just tell him to get his hands off you, loud and clear. I like WhyBirdStop’s line too, “why are you touching me” puts the ball in his court and will make him uncomfortable, hopefully.

TildaKauskumholm · 12/09/2019 08:17

On one hand I understand it would be annoying to see a fellow employee 'Swan in and out'

SuperSara · 12/09/2019 08:19

...she should absolutely pull rank as a co-owner of the company!!

I thought it was her DH's company and that OP works there?

TildaKauskumholm · 12/09/2019 08:19

Had not finished that sentence! To continue.... but if he can't deal with it then he should look for another job. What a creepy way to behave, OP you need to put a stop to it at once.

Jeezoh · 12/09/2019 08:22

I get why you’ve not raised it before but it’s time to put a stop to it - for yourself and for the message you’re giving to other members of staff, particularly female staff. What if he moves on to doing it to other women but your inaction/lack of reaction makes them feel they’re over-reacting?

I’d start with a simple “I’d prefer you didn’t do that” and then ramp up my objection/next steps if he persisted or protested.

ClaireElizabethBeauchampFraser · 12/09/2019 08:25

Can I ask why you are not a co- owner/ director of the company? Why does this man see you as an equal when actually you are HIS boss? I think it’s time that your role reflected your actual rights within the business! You should have equal status with your husband within the business- you are certainly working hard enough to deserve it!

TheAlternativeTentacle · 12/09/2019 08:27

Look you are the fucking owner of the company.

You need to double power play him right back.

Firstly, why are you sitting in a corner. Own your space. Move your spaces about so that you are in a more dominant position.

The next step needs to be dependent on how long he has worked there. But at the least you need to tell your husband and HR and start an investigation into whether he is behaving like this with other staff.

SAHD2020 · 12/09/2019 08:29

As people readily point out in a marriage there is no such thing as mine and yours, everything is ours, hence the protections of marriage, then so too is the company. Regardless of who ‘owns’ the company on paper by marriage OP also has a stake in the company.

Spiaggispeciale · 12/09/2019 08:34

Also, is there anyway you can rearrange your office and turn your desk round so you are not in a corner with your back towards him?
If you have your back to the wall he will not be able to get past your desk to touch your shoulders.

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet Log In

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.