Unwanted shoulder rubs as a sign of dominance ?!

[OLP2019]

Ok so my dh runs a company and I also work there - I have a normal mid manager level role but obviously slightly different in that my dh is the boss/ I've always tried very hard not to take the piss but we have two dc and due to the seniority of dh role it was always me leaving early to pick them up or staying home if they were sick etc.
Back in the day when we had babies the company was very small and so I was my role so I could easily afford to work part time hours most of the time but always did my work and even if I was "off" did what was needed and never let anyone down
The company has grown a lot and so has my role and i am now full time and work long hours - granted dh and I travel a lot however we are never "off" and always working and I see that as the pay off for coming and going as I please. I'm very successful and good at my job despite dh being the boss he isn't my direct boss and I hardly ever see him in the office
So that's the background! Here's the issue
When we were smaller dh was doing everything and eventually hired a young hot shot sales guy to groom to run the sales team. This guy is a good sales guy but very rough around the edges and a bit cowboy. Has bugged dh for promotion but doesn't seem to get that there is more to a management role than just selling and has never grasped the strategic and forward planning side of the senior role he wants
I would describe him as a big swinging dick kind of guy.
Anyway he seems to have always had an issue with me.
I joke that he wants to be married to dh and get chance for the pillow talk.
He has complained about me to dh more than that made and has also reported me to hr more than once. He doesn't seem to understand how I get to "swan in and out" and he doesn't. Well I guess that is a benefit of being married to the owner of the company .
On the surface we get along but we have butted heads over the years. I have never pulled the "married to the boss" card for what it's worth. We have hung out and had some laughs but knowing what he's said and done behind my back, to my own husband even, I don't trust him at all.

Anyway to get to the aibu - recently Whenever he comes to talk to me he gives me a shoulder massage ! Like comes up behind me and suddenly there he is !!

We are definitely not friendly enough for that kind of physical contact and I do have male friends at work I consider close who would never do that and if they did I would say wtf ?!
For some reason I let him do it because it always takes me by surprise
I wonder if he does it to show other junior staff that he is "in@ with the boss and his wife and also if he does it to dominate me ?!

Thoughts ?!

For the record I don't feel creeped out enough to report it but I do find it very odd that he does it to me and an curious about why when I know he doesn't really like me at all

However, if that's the case what the perks if being the bosses wife that she talks about? A later post explains, as Argumentative says.

Do have OPs posts set to a different colour? It makes life much easier, even if you have to go to a PC/laptop ot do it

Could the problem be that the OP is on friendlier terms with the higher up staff, just because she's been there for longer and is married to the boss, and the dickhead colleague resents that.
So she's not really more senior/much more senior, but at the same time she is.

The hands on shoulder thing is innapropriate, and perhaps a way of trying to bring her back down to the level he feels she should be. Exerting his power to 'put her in her place'.

Time to stand up to him and firmly, politely tell him to back off if he puts his hands on your shoulders again.

But not needing to ask a manager is special treatment
Given what she has said treating it formally through HR as if it were anyone else is the way to go

granted dh and I travel a lot however we are never "off" and always working and I see that as the pay off for coming and going as I please.

OP also said this. She used the words 'coming and going as I please'.

Stand up and say "please don't touch me" firmly but not shouting. Then next time stand up and say "don't touch me!" More firmly. Then if it happens again stand up again and say, in no uncertain terms "Do not touch me! What part of don't touch me are you not getting?" Then if it happens again, simply report to HR. Three strikes and report.

Look this man should not be touching op.

I just find it odd that people

Jump to the assumption she is legal part owner
That he shouldnt never have complained to the dh or HR, and the complaint was definitly about ops flexible working, even though the others can too.

That actually as the bosses wife, the OP should be able to do as she pleases and everyone else should be on with it. When thata not how it works in real life.

I work in a company owned by 2 brothers and their wives. Their wives would never take the piss and come and go as they please. Because no one else has that ability. WFH or flexibility is available but pre arranged.

Could you move your desk and chair so that your back is against a wall so he can't get round behind you?

it's harassment

tell him that.

Obviously it does address his awful behaviour but it might stop it happening again if he can't access your shoulders

I agree Ilikethisone

There are 2 issues:

1. His behaviour is not on and needs to be reported correctly and procedure followed

2. Being an owner/part owner/owner's wife does not mean you can come and go as you please or you can do it without manager answering. This would create a bad workplace environment for me if someone did that and that is partly the problem

This man is seriously stupid...he's a mysoginist of highest order.
He's showing his 'power' over you, and subsequent to complaining to your husband... The owner....
He presumably doesn't understand that this is a serusouly stupid move in a family company.
If I was your husband I'd be putting him in his place immediately.

Uptbread... This, a million times...
''... is pure power play. Men rely on the fact that women are socially conditioned to be nice, polite and not make a fuss..... Don’t tell him that it makes you uncomfortable, don’t feign physical injury etc. that type of physical and psychological dominance is what this behaviour aims to achieve.
Next time he does it stand up, and loudly, but without shouting, say “why are you touching me” if he starts to bluff and bluster “ it’s not appropriate, don’t do it again”
You can be professional and civil, but you are giving an instruction so there’s no need to be polite.
You need to put him right back in his place''

I have several pals who either are co-owners of small companies...

It's amazing the number of times men (often younger) employees start questionibg the owners re their time keeping as if they're the boss.....

One pal got so fed up with a male employee moaning loudly... About her randomly 'coming and goinf'... She had told him about thsi several times... She wasn't /didn't have to defend her actions... As she was... You know... The boss....
The employee was furious... How dare she
not see that he(the employee) was there from 9...and pointing out she came in later.... She sacked him... (after usual warnings...). He was furious!

Male privilege at its worse...

but the flip side of that is that it can be incredibly demoralising when you are working hard and sticking to it to see the boss coming and going as they please.

I have a friend who runs a restaurant he is there from 6:30am to midnight because he expects dedication and long hours from his staff and he feels that he should be there to lead the way

I'm shocked at all the people telling OP to use words like "Please" and "uncomfortable", and to be polite.

"Please" turns it into a request, which he can ignore, and "Uncomfortable" is such a wishy washy word in this context. What he's doing is sexual harassment, and he needs to be told in no uncertain terms that what he's doing is out of order.

OP, you need to tell him not to touch you, that if he does anything like that again, to you, or any other member of staff, he will have to answer to HR.

Also, tell your husband! I can't imagine not telling my DH what he's doing.

Can you clarify whether you're in the UK or not? Most people seem to be assuming you are, and thinking of UK workplace protections and procedures when giving advice, but I wondered, because of your reference to "vacation" rather than "holiday".

It's just not appropriate to touch anyone without permission, and everyone should be aware of that in this day and age. Tell him if he ever does it again, you'll take it to HR. If it were me, I would go to HR anyway, and ask them to do some sort of awareness to remind everyone it's unacceptable and this is how anything should be reported.

I think it's a bit sexual too so a bit of a two fingers up to the boss. Hopefully his groin is not too near the back of the chair/ your back when he does this.
Imagine OPs husband was not the boss, she and DH just other workers- really, would random males come up behind her and squeeze and stroke her shoulders unasked ? Just never I would think.

Just NO.
A sharp, "Excuse me?"
If a joke, "Did you step out of your wayback machine and think it was the 1950s? We don't do the creepy backrub in 2019."

Defo tell him to stop. Why he thinks that is even acceptable is beyond me. Even if he’s been saying to people he’s in with the boss and his wife, don’t go start giving out free shoulder rubs.

Sounds like a first class weirdo and I’d be reporting him to HR for unwanted physical contact. Weirdo

i worked in a family own hotel once, and they had some regulars that were rather handsy, i told them to quit feeling me up all the bloody time, i told the boss to step in and stop the sexual harassment, they and the boss laughed it off, so i started wearing a hat pin in my work shirt, i told the boss if you dont deal with them dont you dear come running to save them when ive got them bailed up in a corner stabbing them with my hat pin, he laughed, they laughed, ( i considered this their warning that i would defend myself) the next time the filthy asshole came behind me and cuddled me and cupped my breasts, i calmly took out my hat pin and stabbed him in the hand :) he didnt like that at all... but he never did it again!

For some reason I let him do it because it always takes me by surprise
It's only a surprise for a moment so you can't use that excuse.
I've had it happen to me on various occasions, some people do it to look like they're 'in' with someone, others because they're pervy twats who will find any excuse to touch a woman.
None of them consider even for a moment that they have NO RIGHT to assume that sort of intimacy.
It's been both men and women by the way, women would also 'play' with my hair and fawn.

My response is "Don't do that" in a very firm but calm, neutral tone.
If they do it again - "what part of DON'T DO THAT do you not understand?"
I've been accused of being rude - i don't give a shit.
Nobody has the right to touch me without my permission - and employers can say what they like about 'team bonding/atmosphere' etc but they know they're in hot water of they don't stop the unwanted touching.

What is your company policy on sexual harassment?
What training have managers and employees had?

As the boss you should be stamping on this and sending a message to all employees it isnt tolerated

Does op actually say her dh owns the company?

My company buys smaller companies and most of the time we leave the previous owner in place running it. But we own it, funnel customers to them, provide strategic support and reporting, we provide HR etc.

A few of those have directors, where their wife or other family member is a senior manager.

HR often get complaints from people working in these companies, because the boss and/ or their family members are taking the piss a bit. Not saying op is taking the piss.

But I cant help wonder if the ops dh actually owns it. Or just runs it.