Unwanted shoulder rubs as a sign of dominance ?!

[OLP2019]

Ok so my dh runs a company and I also work there - I have a normal mid manager level role but obviously slightly different in that my dh is the boss/ I've always tried very hard not to take the piss but we have two dc and due to the seniority of dh role it was always me leaving early to pick them up or staying home if they were sick etc.
Back in the day when we had babies the company was very small and so I was my role so I could easily afford to work part time hours most of the time but always did my work and even if I was "off" did what was needed and never let anyone down
The company has grown a lot and so has my role and i am now full time and work long hours - granted dh and I travel a lot however we are never "off" and always working and I see that as the pay off for coming and going as I please. I'm very successful and good at my job despite dh being the boss he isn't my direct boss and I hardly ever see him in the office
So that's the background! Here's the issue
When we were smaller dh was doing everything and eventually hired a young hot shot sales guy to groom to run the sales team. This guy is a good sales guy but very rough around the edges and a bit cowboy. Has bugged dh for promotion but doesn't seem to get that there is more to a management role than just selling and has never grasped the strategic and forward planning side of the senior role he wants
I would describe him as a big swinging dick kind of guy.
Anyway he seems to have always had an issue with me.
I joke that he wants to be married to dh and get chance for the pillow talk.
He has complained about me to dh more than that made and has also reported me to hr more than once. He doesn't seem to understand how I get to "swan in and out" and he doesn't. Well I guess that is a benefit of being married to the owner of the company .
On the surface we get along but we have butted heads over the years. I have never pulled the "married to the boss" card for what it's worth. We have hung out and had some laughs but knowing what he's said and done behind my back, to my own husband even, I don't trust him at all.

Anyway to get to the aibu - recently Whenever he comes to talk to me he gives me a shoulder massage ! Like comes up behind me and suddenly there he is !!

We are definitely not friendly enough for that kind of physical contact and I do have male friends at work I consider close who would never do that and if they did I would say wtf ?!
For some reason I let him do it because it always takes me by surprise
I wonder if he does it to show other junior staff that he is "in@ with the boss and his wife and also if he does it to dominate me ?!

Thoughts ?!

For the record I don't feel creeped out enough to report it but I do find it very odd that he does it to me and an curious about why when I know he doesn't really like me at all

I wouldn't make jokey one upmanship bids to make him look stupid - being made to look stupid would be like a punch in the face to a guy like that. You don't want a revenge situation starting. Just tell him.

OP, you know full well that his massaging your shoulders is highly inappropriate and unprofessional. You don’t even tell him to stop and your tolerance of it sends a terrible message to other employees.

I would leverage what you've got and tell DH. Tbh.
The man is an idiot. He complains about you to your husband. Husband owns the company?
Well, I wish him good luck with that strategy!

Report to HR .

Just say, while standing up "Don't that, it's not professional or appreciated", do it for yourself, for your dh, for the girls in the office and because he sounds like a dick head

YANBU iro shoulder rubs!!

Other stuff YAB a bit U

That’s just as unfair as his behaviour

Not at all! She does her work, she's always thinking about the company, her position and terms for doing this work is that she has some flexibility. Not the same as pawing a colleague whenever you feel like it!

I've been in plenty of jobs where we worked as a team, and as long as the work was covered, and no-one was taking the mick, we could pop out during the day when we needed to, or come in late/leave early/work from home. We were all adults, and anyone being unreasonable was pulled aside and chatted to and it was all fine. I am very lucky in having had this, but I think it's something to aspire to, it's a very pleasant working environment (and in return, I had some late nights when something went wrong, or some extra work was needed, and that was fine, because again, we were all adults)

@Pikapikachooo sorry I was being ironic as those are his words to complain about me

I that he wants to be married to dh and get chance for the pillow talk.

He doesn't seem to understand how I get to "swan in and out" and he doesn't. Well I guess that is a benefit of being married to the owner of the company

This is where I think you are being a bit unreasonable/ borderline unprofessional

@Aridane what other stuff am I being unreasonable about ?

He doesn't seem to understand how I get to "swan in and out" and he doesn't. Well I guess that is a benefit of being married to the owner of the company

I have never pulled the "married to the boss" card for what it's worth

Errr...?

But yes, just stand up and say "please don't do that", loud enough for others to hear. If you can't do that as the wife of the boss then you're definitely not making sure it's a comfortable work environment for everyone else.

I find it really odd that you allow him to touch you in the office......
I'm old and have been working since the 80's and no way would this have been acceptable...

Just tell him not to touch you...... be very clear that un requested phsical contact is not on..... as you havent called him out already i would suggest you do it 'quietly' first - however if he does it again after you have asked make a big noise/fuss about it....

the fact that you have different working conditions is neither here or there.... just hope your company has good flexible working conditions for everyone... otherwise its a bit crap and he may just be voicing what a lot of people feel about 'swanning' in and out...

You've got to say something, as you are an example to your younger female staff. You have to show them that's not acceptable or usual in the workplace!
'What are you doing?' would have been my response first time. Call the creep out!

It may seem unfair that the OP gets what appears to be a bit more leeway in regard to "swanning in and out" because her husband owns the company, however, she's massively and literally more invested in the business being successful than anyone else who works there.
Tbh, if dickhead doesn't get that, and because of the inappropriate touching and his inability to step up to the requirements of a senior role, I'd be working on managing him out. He's not good value and he's potentially a reputational risk.

@Aridane as clarified before the swanning around comment was his not mine
I certainly don't think I swan in and out though I do appreciate I have a certain amount of flexibility in terms of traditional working hours the pay off is that I am actually never off work even when on vacation
So it didn't come across but I was being sarcastic about that
The pillow talk thing is me having a joke to myself about why he is so horrible to me and wants to get ahead with dh

That’s just as unfair as his behaviour Not really. She met the expectations of the workplace. Young Snot took offence because he could. He had no idea what arrangements had been made for OP, married to the owner or not! He would have no idea about any arrangements made for other staff either! Would he be as justified to complain about them?

@OLP2019 How long has he worked for your DH? If less than 2 years it might be wise for your DH to let him go.. before he starts on others staff.

If longer then yes, one short, sharp concerted effort to educate him out of his harrassing ways... via HR and awareness courses... and then bump him if he can't learn to be polite and to keep his hands to himself!

No, @Pikapikachooo, OP being able to "swan in and out" isn't just as unfair as his behaviour. It's effectively a term of her employment contract, just as someone being able to leave early because they have a part time job isn't unfair. OK, OP gets that by virtue of having been there since the company started and being married to the boss, but that doesn't make it unfair. It's simply a matter of what each individual employee is able to negotiate, and if the boss finds it advantageous for OP to be able to leave early to look after his children, that's no-one else's business. If this man doesn't like it, he needs to look for another job.

@averythinline I agree it's totally odd but takes me off guard as he comes up behind me and I just freeze and then we carry on having a work convo (without the touching) yes it's totally weird don't know why I allow it to go on
Yes everyone has flexi hours and work from home ability it's not me being special at all though prob the difference is that I dont have to get approval as such from a manager before I do it

Re the posters giving the OP a hard time re 'swaning off'. No one is making these people work for them. The whole point of being self employed is you make the rules up on how you work. As long as the work gets done and all that. Of course the bosses wife gets a few perks! You telling me you wouldn't either?

@LenoVintura thank you. I get that I'm in a privileged position but I also work very hard and am very invested and live and breath the company
So yeah it's not really comparable

You letting him get away with it may make the younger women feel as though they wouldn't be able to say anything, if he decided to do it to them. Nip this in the bud OP. I would report him to HR.

What does your dh think about it?

Loudly say "What are you doing?" whilst giving him the perplexed look.

Come on OP, gather your courage and tell him to stop. Stand up and point out that it's inappropriate. Don't cower as if he is your senior.