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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To call school out for racism

173 replies

Wtaffuming · 12/09/2019 00:32

Dd5 is mixed race. Her biological father is of Indian descent. It was an abusive relationship. I left at first opportunity. I have full custody of dd, he has supervised access.
My dp has brought her up from 9mo. He is white like me.
Today DP went to collect DD from school and new teacher refused to hand her over as she didn't believe he was 'Daddy'
School is aware of the issues with bio dad and court orders.
My aibu is... If bio dad turned up would new teacher have handed her over because of the colour of his skin? Dp takes her to school everyday and has done since reception

OP posts:

edgeofheaven · 12/09/2019 10:20

I don't think the school needs to be called out for anything. But the teacher may need her assumptions questioned. We're a mixed race family and people do say and assume all sorts of stupidity, not always out of malice but it's still ignorant and sometimes offensive. Take a deep breath and then next time you have a chance, chat to the teacher and make sure she's aware that families come in different colours/shades and that best to check the list before assuming who is and who isn't authorised based on their skin tone.

lyralalala · 12/09/2019 10:20

I hope you have firm words with the staff. At my DC’s school each child has a list with names of who may or may not collect them from school.

And in this case all the teacher did was check the list because she wasn't sure...

This is a child who is not allowed to be collected by her father. When her 'Daddy' turned up the teacher double checked. That's it.

lyralalala · 12/09/2019 10:21

that best to check the list before assuming who is and who isn't authorised based on their skin tone.

That's exactly what the teacher did. Man she didn't recognise turned up to collect a child = checked the list. The child has been released to white relatives numerous times already so it has nothing to do with colour.

This is the exact point of the list.

edgeofheaven · 12/09/2019 10:25

@lyralalala the OP said the teacher refused to hand him over. She doesn't say the teacher just calmly checked the list. I'm not reading anything into the story that isn't there, perhaps you oughtn't either.

CuriousaboutSamphire · 12/09/2019 10:25

Yes, this is racism. How? Given the OPs situation, not yours Nonmerci ?

CuriousaboutSamphire · 12/09/2019 10:29

best to check the list before assuming who is and who isn't authorised based on their skin tone. Think the practicalities of that through.

Unknown person collecting child: do you hand over child then check the list or do you pause, check the list and then decide?

OP still hasn't said what she means by "refused" - how long for etc.

That and everyone who has collected this child, male or female, has been white so skin colour cannot have been the isse.

from123toabc · 12/09/2019 10:29

We had an incident where my ex tried to take DC from the school- They didn't let him as he isn't authorized to do this.

He did the whole, but I'm her dad thing, DC confirmed he was her dad but knew she wasn't supposed to go with him. The school insisted that they had no proof and therefore cannot let him take DC. Thank goodness.

I am so glad the safeguarding at DC school is so good.

So to me I see this as a safeguarding issue not a race thing

WaterSheep · 12/09/2019 10:29

the OP said the teacher refused to hand him over. She doesn't say the teacher just calmly checked the list.

Of course she refused to hand over the daughter not sure where you've got him from You can't allow someone to take the child before you check the list. There's no indication that it wasn't done calmly.

booboo82 · 12/09/2019 10:31

stop trying to call racism where it isnt lol

BogglesGoggles · 12/09/2019 10:31

If he was on the list then YANBU to be annoyed. It doesn’t matter who he is if he’s on the list. We are a mixed race and multicultural family (note the distinction) and we have a lot of people making all kinds of assumptions about us. I know they don’t mean it badly but it is pretty frustrating. It’s a bit of an overreaction to call them racist. In these situations it’s best to icily correct rather than become accusatory. A lot of people in Britain just don’t get it because they’re not used to people not living lives that correspond with the way they look. Especially older and poorer people who live outside of London. Many people don’t realise that they even have a stereotype that they believe in let alone how absurd it is.

JoMos · 12/09/2019 10:39

I don't think, in all fairness, you can call this out as racist. Schools are extremely cautious about who they hand children over to and or course so they should be, that's what we would expect. If your DP was know to the teacher in question as her dad (or stepdad) and they were doing this out of awkwardness and being difficult then yes, that would probably be motivated by racism, but I don't think that's what you are saying? I would just make sure that you establish now with the school who your DP is so there are no further problems.

CuriousaboutSamphire · 12/09/2019 10:42

If he was on the list then YANBU to be annoyed. It doesn’t matter who he is if he’s on the list. It's week 1 of a new school year.. and a new teacher. OP hasn't said how long the 'refusal' took. But that list is there to be checked... where would you like the hesitation to be... before handing over a child or afterwards?

Everanewbie · 12/09/2019 10:44

I hate this kind of thing. By crying racism at any minor misunderstanding, especially with your child's welfare being at the heart of things, serves only to minimise how seriously true racist incidents are treated.

Rainonmyguitar · 12/09/2019 10:44

How on earth did we get to parents looking to start a racism row because a teacher protected her child? Do people really just go through life looking for reasons to be offended? OP you must be disappointed by how this thread's going!

edgeofheaven · 12/09/2019 10:44

You can't allow someone to take the child before you check the list. confused There's no indication that it wasn't done calmly.

And there's no indication that is was done calmly.

As the OP is written, the teacher may have made an assumption based on skin colour. We don't know for sure, which is why my post said OP should speak to the teacher and not go nuts accusing the school of being racist.

Again - being in a mixed race family myself I relate to OP being highly alert to any indication of ignorance as it's fairly common and quite annoying. But she shouldn't overreact, she should just clarify with the teacher so it doesn't happen again.

123bananas · 12/09/2019 10:47

I have mixed race kids, DH is black and is the person who picks them up most of the time due to my working hours. This happened to me at the start of term with dd2 last year because that teacher hadn't seen me before. If your DP is on the list of named people that can pick her up then they can check that and it will be sorted and once they know him it won't be a problem. It is for safety reasons to prevent children going home with the wrong adult which protects all children including yours. It is not racism.

FamilyOfAliens · 12/09/2019 10:53

OP, if you do come back to this thread, can I suggest you ask the school to implement a password system if you have several people doing the pickup. We do this at my school as we have several part-time teachers, or there may be a supply or an HLTA dismissing the children.

That way no-one is confused and no teacher applying their safeguarding training correctly risks being falsely accused of racism.

WonderWomansSpin · 12/09/2019 10:54

It doesn't really matter what happened with your other child because they, presumably, have a different teacher who isn't new and knows the intricacies of your family and who is authorised to collect. The new teacher didn't so they checked. It doesn't seem like racism since they happily let other white relatives collect your DD.

Bloomburger · 12/09/2019 11:04

Why did you point out that her aunt has learning difficulties?

I don't think it is racism, I think the teacher probably knew there was an issue and just for a moment was questioning whether she was handing your child over to someone who was allowed to take it.

If you do go in don't go in all guns blazing, ask what the reason was the child wasn't handed over straight away and if it is because of skin colour try to educate rather than attack as the teacher want deliberately trying to cause offence and I often think treating things like this the same as the act of deliberately using race to offend is counterproductive.

BenWillbondsPants · 12/09/2019 11:11

I hope you have firm words with the staff.

About what @Nonmerci? About a new member of staff not handing the OPs child over to someone she didn't recognise? That she wanted to check before handing over?

People are assuming this is racism rather than the teacher just not recognising the DP. As I said upthread, DH wasn't allowed to take DS once because the member of staff didn't recognise him so wanted to check. How is this a bad thing?

MorganKitten · 12/09/2019 11:25

It’s not racism, the start of the year not every teacher knows parents. When I worked at school clubs it was standard to double check if we weren’t sure.

melj1213 · 12/09/2019 11:31

Dd5 is mixed race. Her biological father is of Indian descent. It was an abusive relationship... he has supervised access.
Today DP went to collect DD from school and new teacher refused to hand her over as she didn't believe he was 'Daddy'
School is aware of the issues with bio dad and court orders.

So basically the school knows your DDs bio dad is not allowed to collect and when "Daddy" came to collect her they wanted to double check the details. I don't see the issue here.

A different person has collected your DD almost every day this year and this was the first day the teacher has met your DP. Most teachers may not know every single parent/carer at this early point of the term so will still be relying on the approved carer pick up list. Having an unknown (to the teacher) man, that your DD is calling daddy, trying to collect her probably had alarm bells ringing as your DD cannot be collected by her bio dad so they wanted to check. The other people probably didn't have any problems because they weren't being identified as a person on the "no pick up" list.

Additionally, your DP might have been doing drop offs previously but this is a new school year, with new teachers who may not have met him before. At my DDs school, except for reception, children are just dropped in the playground then line up and go inside at 8.50. Some parents hang around until their kids go in but they dont physically hand their child over unless there is an issue that they need to speak to the teacher about. Even in nursery and reception it is the TA that collects the children in the morning and it is the class teacher who does end of school pick up. So just because you do drop off doesn't mean they'll know you at pick up - especially so early in the term.

Idontwanttotalk · 12/09/2019 11:46

There is no reason to consider this racism. Even if the teacher thought it unlikely he was your child's father (which he isn't) because she is mixed race and he is white, it still isn't racism.

She is a "new" teacher who may not have been brought up to speed on all the details of every child's family situations. Think of how many blended families there are. I bet you aren't the only one who has been in an abusive situation. Better to be safe than sorry. I consider she was being safety- conscious. The teacher probably has no idea who takes all the children to school each day.

No MNer can tell you whether the new teacher would have handed your child over to her bio father. I suggest you speak to the school again to ensure there are rules in place for passing on info to new teachers as you are worried about it.

MollyButton · 12/09/2019 11:55

I think there are issues though - the teacher should have questioned the other people who had collected this child as well as OP's partner. Maybe they are an NQT who has been spoken to about not taking enough care over who collects so decided to be more vigilant yesterday?
It may or may not be racism. It does seem to be variable practice.

Echobelly · 12/09/2019 11:58

Nope, not racism. Don't undermine your complaint by bringing that up, you'd just look melodramatic and wrong.

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