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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To call school out for racism

173 replies

Wtaffuming · 12/09/2019 00:32

Dd5 is mixed race. Her biological father is of Indian descent. It was an abusive relationship. I left at first opportunity. I have full custody of dd, he has supervised access.
My dp has brought her up from 9mo. He is white like me.
Today DP went to collect DD from school and new teacher refused to hand her over as she didn't believe he was 'Daddy'
School is aware of the issues with bio dad and court orders.
My aibu is... If bio dad turned up would new teacher have handed her over because of the colour of his skin? Dp takes her to school everyday and has done since reception

OP posts:
MildThing · 12/09/2019 06:07

I still cannot tell from anything you have written whether the teacher declined to hand Dd over to a man she didn’t recognise, or declined to hand her over to a man she didn’t believe was her father because he is white.

At our school teachers didn’t really see who dropped a child off. Only who collected them.

StepAwayFromGoogle · 12/09/2019 06:18

OP, don't be quick to shout racism. More likely that the teacher hadn't seen DP before and was being cautious, which they are advised to do. Presumably your other child was leaving another class so not the same teacher?

Nuttyfellalovesnutella · 12/09/2019 06:22

@sarahnade
That’s a sad tale, but it’s a different scenario because namamia is the biological mother. OPs partner is not the bio dad.

Calling it racism is over the top. The teacher made a judgement call for the safety of the child. There was no malice. There must be hundreds of children at the school and not everyone has a good memory for fleeting figures.

happycamper11 · 12/09/2019 06:27

I think she was being cautious knowing that there are safeguarding issues around who your DC is to go with but not having exact details immediately to hand (info will be at the office). DP May be known to the school as a whole but as it's a new school year this teacher may have never seen or noticed him among the crowd of new faces at drop off. Hopefully it's resolved now and she'll be cleared on the details.

NaughtToThreeSadOnions · 12/09/2019 06:30

to clarify. I've only picked her up once this year. My, white, father has collected her twice. Her white aunt, who has learning difficulties, has collected her 3 times. Dp takes her every morning

So how can it be racism then she's been handed over to him every other day and to white relatives on several other occasions.

This is about communication within the school not race of either child or parent. I also don't believe it was the colour of his skin that made the teacher think that it he wasn't daddy as you put it. Because with a mixed race child it could be either parent that has a different racial profile so if that was the case I'd see a white dadand think oh maybe it's the mum who's got the different background or perhaps their adopted.

Sure speak to the head teacher about communication and safeguarding but be careful of throwing racism around

PooWillyBumBum · 12/09/2019 06:32

If not racist the teacher is a bit dumb. I’m of mixed descent and look 100% white. My dad looks like my dad facially but not by colouring. He and his siblings are all manner of colours from deep, deep brown to pale with freckles (they are turkish/Berber mix). So bizarre. Wonder if she’d have handed your DD over to an Indian man unquestioningly?

itsmecathycomehome · 12/09/2019 06:35

You say he takes her every morning, but has the teacher met him?

I haven't met all of my children's parents yet. We are only a week into term, and there are 34 families to get to know. When I open the door in the morning there is a sea of faces. Some parents have introduced themselves, and some I have noticed, but others hang back a little.

At the end of the day I release them to the person I'm expecting to collect them, but would exercise caution if I had any misgivings whatsoever.

I would not see your situation here as racist.

You are saying that she has seen him dropping her off every morning, knows him, fully understands your family situation but refused to hand dd over because she was intentionally being cruel?

When actually there is probably a much kinder, more sensible conclusion to draw.

Your dd was obviously handed over eventually, how did it come about after initially refusing?

1busybee · 12/09/2019 06:36

I don’t think this is racism. New teacher potentially been told there is an issue with who your child goes home with and she has remembered that and been extra cautious. It’s much better that way than she just sends her off with anyone. With all due respect you’re quick to blame racism, she did fab safeguarding - if in doubt - shout. She wasn’t sure so didn’t just allow your daughter to go. Definitely not racism, most probably new teacher trying to do the right thing and didn’t have at the forefront of her mind your daughters exact situation (as she has 29 other kids all new to her with varying needs) so she erred on side of caution. I would be grateful to her in the knowledge that she was happy to say no.

phlebasconsidered · 12/09/2019 06:39

Of course it isn't. As a primary teacher we are duty bound up to year 6 to release children only to those parents or carers we know. At only the second week of term, this is still very time consuming as I don't yet knowall of the childminders, extended families, step parents and so on. She's just being cautious becauseshe would be in total shit if she got it wrong. Because on topof teaching wearealso responsible for safeguarding and the buck stops with us. So no, don't complain- be thankful she is doing her job thoroughly even at the end of the day.

Goatinthegarden · 12/09/2019 06:47

At the start of the year, teachers are given a list of children’s names. Their previous teacher will pass on important info, such as in the case of your DD ‘dad is only allowed supervised access’. I usually try to get these parents in quickly for a meeting to discuss details and find out who to expect for pick ups and who they cannot go home with. I have had fathers come to collect children who are not allowed access and a child absolute desperate to go home with him. It happens. It’s a scary responsibility.

The teacher probably knows there is some sort of restricted access and when DD recognised your DP as a father figure, she probably wanted to double check she could send her home with him.

With up to 33 children and if each child is regularly being collected by different people, it can be tricky to remember all the faces at first.

FamilyOfAliens · 12/09/2019 06:51

So what happened after the teacher refused to her your DD over, OP?

Did they call you to check? That’s what we would have done if we hadn’t met the adult before.

I wouldn’t assume it was racism. I would assume the teacher didn’t recognise your partner, especially if she hasn’t got used to all the new parents in her class yet, but I would have expected them to call you and check if was ok for him to pick her up.

YouJustDoYou · 12/09/2019 06:52

Mixed race kids here also. The school keeps a list of adults I have said who are allowed to collect. They look more like MIL, but MIL isn't on the list and wasn't allowed to pick them up when she turned up once, as DH had forgotten to tell them she'd be coming. I'd rather an over cautious school, than one who hands out kids to whomever.

Mummyoflittledragon · 12/09/2019 06:54

Not safeguarding a child could be very serious for the child and the teacher. Be thankful the teacher wants to ensure your child isn’t released to a random. They now know your dp isn’t.

herculepoirot2 · 12/09/2019 06:59

You are being really unreasonable. Your DP isn’t her biological father. Fine, no problem. But yes, if her biological father did turn up the teacher would probably find it easier to accept their relationship without question, because they look more alike. That’s not racism. She wasn’t saying your DP was bad or unsuitable; she was just exercising caution because it is known - very sadly - for children to be at risk from a small number of men with dubious intentions. She was protecting your child in the absence of the full facts. That’s her job. It’s sad for your DP, but he should feel relieved that his DD isn’t going to be handed over to any man who turns up at the door claiming to be her dad.

Shoxfordian · 12/09/2019 06:59

The teacher should be well aware of your dd circumstances. He's not some random guy you met last week, he's been dropping her off the whole time.

Cherrysoup · 12/09/2019 07:02

New teacher who therefore doesn’t know your DP. Yabu. Should she just hand over your dc to anyone before checking?

siring1 · 12/09/2019 07:03

Did he say he was the father or step-father?

Livelovebehappy · 12/09/2019 07:06

You’re being ridiculous.

LeysaV · 12/09/2019 07:06

Who would be a teacher ?

She was not being racist at all OP .

rwalker · 12/09/2019 07:07

Doubt she cared what race he is quiet simply she didn't recongnise him.
A class of 30 each child 3 different people picking them up thats over 120 people to try and remember.
Better safe than sorry I would be reassured and praising then rather than complaining and slagging them off.

indianbackground · 12/09/2019 07:12

Even if this was caution it could definitely be construed as racist. If a teacher does not recognise someone collecting that should be the end of it, no need to mention race at all. It gives the impression that if teacher did not recognise the adult but they were the same race they would have let the race of the adult affect that decision.

BenWillbondsPants · 12/09/2019 07:12

I would be marching down to that teacher and read her the riot act.

How on earth is this helpful or appropriate? Can't anyone just have an adult conversation anymore?

Spidey66 · 12/09/2019 07:13

Of course it's not racism. The teacher was merely ensuring your child's safety.

WaterSheep · 12/09/2019 07:16

I've only picked her up once this year. My, white, father has collected her twice. Her white aunt, who has learning difficulties, has collected her 3 times. Dp takes her every morning

So DP hasn't collected her yet this year? The teacher knows there's something about the father not being able to collect. Quite rightly she didn't want to let the child go, and took the time to check.

I bet the whole thing was over within 10 minutes. It's not racist it's safeguarding.

CuriousaboutSamphire · 12/09/2019 07:17

Don't! Just don't. There is real, active, ignorant and violent racism out there.

Your situation is a new teacher at the beginning of a new school year. She was being cautious, following safeguarding rules, not handing a child over to anyone she didn't recognise.

he's been dropping her off the whole time. You mean what 4, 5, 6 days?