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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To call school out for racism

173 replies

Wtaffuming · 12/09/2019 00:32

Dd5 is mixed race. Her biological father is of Indian descent. It was an abusive relationship. I left at first opportunity. I have full custody of dd, he has supervised access.
My dp has brought her up from 9mo. He is white like me.
Today DP went to collect DD from school and new teacher refused to hand her over as she didn't believe he was 'Daddy'
School is aware of the issues with bio dad and court orders.
My aibu is... If bio dad turned up would new teacher have handed her over because of the colour of his skin? Dp takes her to school everyday and has done since reception

OP posts:
Cheeserton · 12/09/2019 08:56

doing her job... checking!

Refusing, actually, per the OP.

ChocChocButtons · 12/09/2019 08:56

Its not racism, the teacher hasn’t been informed properly and didn’t want to send your daughter off with to her a strange man.

WaterSheep · 12/09/2019 09:03

Refusing, actually, per the OP.

Well yes, she refused to let the child go until she had checked the information. This probably took 10 minutes, which for peace of mind is time well spent.

JudgeRindersMinder · 12/09/2019 09:03

Teachers can’t do right for doing wrong in the eyes of some

Maybe it’s time for photos of those on the collection list rather than just names?

LolaSmiles · 12/09/2019 09:09

Well yes, she refused to let the child go until she had checked the information. This probably took 10 minutes, which for peace of mind is time well spent.
I've actually felt I've said this on a few threads lately, the problem is that a lot of people haven't a clue about safeguarding.

Based on the OP the teacher was racist for not checking, and yet they've not met the DC's father and given that refusing to let a child go until you check is crime of the century, perhaps the teacher should let the child go with her father on his say so without checking.

JudgeRindersMinder
Theres always people who will find a reason to kick off / call out / be fuming etc for any issue that is a mild inconvenience or difference of opinion because it doesn't occur to them to stop, think and consider there may be a wider picture or multiple reasonable responses that differ from their preferences.

PeopleMover · 12/09/2019 09:11

Can you not just be pleased that the school is looking after your child?

Also if other white relatives have picked DD up with no issues, then how can the decision the teacher made be racially motivated?

She hadn't met your DD's step father before and needed to check who he was, as per school policy no doubt.

You could always request that your child is sent with anyone who turns up, no questions asked? Problem solved.

SmiledWithTheRisingSun · 12/09/2019 09:12

It's not racism.

theendoftheendoftheend · 12/09/2019 09:15

And has brought her up from 9 months. How would you feel collecting your child and having someone refuse to hand them over?

How the hell is the teacher supposed to know that! If a new member of staff wanted to check who I was first I'd think they were doing their job.

BenWillbondsPants · 12/09/2019 09:35

Theres always people who will find a reason to kick off / call out / be fuming etc for any issue that is a mild inconvenience or difference of opinion because it doesn't occur to them to stop, think and consider there may be a wider picture or multiple reasonable responses that differ from their preferences.

This is so true @LolaSmiles. Can you imagine the responses if a poster had said that a new teacher had handed over their child to their DP and they were concerned that because she was new, she couldn't really have been certain who he was.

I really can't see what's wrong with checking in any circumstances. The OP has made an assumption that it's about race when it quite simply could have been that the teacher wanted to check the list first. It happened to my DH and we were both reassured that they checked.

AmateurSwami · 12/09/2019 09:38

Maybe it’s time for photos of those on the collection list rather than just names?

Our school does this

lyralalala · 12/09/2019 09:42

How would you feel collecting your child and having someone refuse to hand them over?

When it happened with my DDs I was pleased that the teacher was willing to risk the grief of a parent being held up (given there are always people who will rent and rave about so much as two minute delay) and the risk of an accusation of racism (which if made to the school will involve investigations and the whole mud sticking scenario) than just assume it was most likely fine and hand the girls over.

If your child is in danger from someone in their life a cautious teacher who double checks is a good thing.

YouJustDoYou · 12/09/2019 09:50

When it happened with my DDs I was pleased that the teacher was willing to risk the grief of a parent being held up (given there are always people who will rent and rave about so much as two minute delay) and the risk of an accusation of racism (which if made to the school will involve investigations and the whole mud sticking scenario) than just assume it was most likely fine and hand the girls over

^^This.

Sallycanwait1 · 12/09/2019 09:55

I wonder what the national reaction to the teacher would be if they let a black child be taken from the school gates by an unknown white adult; then the child was never seen again.

Cheeserton · 12/09/2019 09:59

I wonder what the national reaction to the teacher would be if they let a black child be taken from the school gates by an unknown white adult; then the child was never seen again.
Probably a racist one, because the colour should be of no consequence. Seems new teacher was poorly informed and also, possibly racist yes. Whatever any of you say you'd likely be pissed off in reality if the school refused to hand over the child you drop off every day for years to you. Easy to pretend otherwise in the abstract.

drspouse · 12/09/2019 09:59

If he's dropping her off every day YANBU at all.

My DD is also mixed race and we are both white (she's adopted). Random people have tried to hand her to Asian friends (she isn't actually Asian but I have several Asian friends and White British people tend to think she is) but school are aware that families come in all shapes and sizes and that ours looks like this, and knows who we both are.

Icantthinkofanynewnames · 12/09/2019 09:59

What?! How is this racism at all? The teacher obviously didn’t know it was your partner and didn’t want to hand over a child to a stranger?! It sounds like the ethnicity of anyone involved is totally irrelevant and wasn’t mentioned by anyone - you sound like you’ve filled in that part by yourself. Would you prefer the school were quick to hand over children to people they don’t know, or would you like them to taken suitable precautions like this teacher did?

Icantthinkofanynewnames · 12/09/2019 10:02

Also, if other white relatives have picked up your child without problem then how can you claim it’s a race issue just because your partner happens to be white? This doesn’t really make sense. I can’t get over a parent being anything other than happy and reassured that a teacher puts a child’s safety first.

QueenOfCatan · 12/09/2019 10:03

I would have done the same as a childminder unless I knew him by sight. The teacher may not have recognised him despite the drop offs, you don't often have a chance to chat to or remember parents at drop offs in schools. My DD1's nursery made me send a photo of DH on Tuesday as he was picking her up and whilst they'd met him they couldn't remember what he looks like.

lyralalala · 12/09/2019 10:05

I've only picked her up once this year. My, white, father has collected her twice. Her white aunt, who has learning difficulties, has collected her 3 times.

So, clearly, the issue isn't that your DP is white. It's that the teacher didn't recognise him.

Drop off and pick up are very, very different in terms of being able to see which adult is with which child. Especially early in the year.

GlasshouseStoneThrower · 12/09/2019 10:06

I'm not sure who was the victim of racism here - your DP? Or your daughter?

It's a slightly tricky one because if, as you say, they would have let her biological father pick her up just because his skin colour 'looked right' then it's definitely problematic from a safety POV and very possibly racist if they're assuming a familial relationship simply because of skin colour.

On the other hand if it's simply that they haven't met your partner before and couldn't know if he was the dad or not, it's very sensible for them not to let him take your daughter without confirming it with you.

CuriousaboutSamphire · 12/09/2019 10:09

I'm not sure who was the victim of racism here - your DP? Or your daughter? Nobody. As the OP clearly states every adult who has any contact with DDs school is white. So it is not skin colour that caused the issue.

mumtobabygilrl · 12/09/2019 10:09

My child is white - so are you saying any old stranger who is white and turns up at my daughters school should be able to be allowed to take her home??!?

The school were being sensible and cautious. How would u feel if they had let her go home with someone she shouldn't !

drspouse · 12/09/2019 10:09

They have met the partner.
People who assume my DD is "with" my Asian friend not me are being racist. They are assuming that no child who has brown skin can have a white parent. In fact, DD has a white biological parent. So it's perfectly possible that I am that white biological parent, but the general public seems unable to work this out (by which I mean, the general White public who thinks that all brown people look alike and any shade of brown skin means 100% BAME heritage).

Nonmerci · 12/09/2019 10:12

Yes, this is racism. I inherited my Father’s dark olive skin and dark brown hair whereas my Mother is pale with light blonde hair. We often had odd looks as though she weren’t really my Mother on account of us looking so different. You are also white, do people question whether you are her Mother?

Also, what about adopted children of a different ethnicity to their parents? They shouldn’t have to live having their parents questioned and glared at, it’s not on.

I hope you have firm words with the staff. At my DC’s school each child has a list with names of who may or may not collect them from school.

WaterSheep · 12/09/2019 10:13

They have met the partner.

The OP doesn't say that. They said the partner takes her to school each day. The teacher might not have met the DP if he just waves her into class. It's very busy at drop off time, so there's a good chance the teacher hasn't seen the DP among the other parents and carers.