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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To call school out for racism

173 replies

Wtaffuming · 12/09/2019 00:32

Dd5 is mixed race. Her biological father is of Indian descent. It was an abusive relationship. I left at first opportunity. I have full custody of dd, he has supervised access.
My dp has brought her up from 9mo. He is white like me.
Today DP went to collect DD from school and new teacher refused to hand her over as she didn't believe he was 'Daddy'
School is aware of the issues with bio dad and court orders.
My aibu is... If bio dad turned up would new teacher have handed her over because of the colour of his skin? Dp takes her to school everyday and has done since reception

OP posts:
GiveMeHope103 · 12/09/2019 07:17

Oh fgs she was NEW. Off course she was just making sure. Imagine if she sent your dd off without double checking a doubt she had and it ended up badly. Poor bloody teachers cant do anything right. Do you really think in a school with hundreds of children she would never have come across a mixed race child and parent?? That this would now be her opportunity to be racist.
Hmm

Bunnybigears · 12/09/2019 07:18

Could she have asked your DD 'is that your Daddy' and DD said no? Does DD refer to your DP as Daddy?

LordProfFekkoThePenguinPhD · 12/09/2019 07:20

That’s what teachers do. They check. At our old school there were children who had parents who weren’t allowed to collect their children and the school was rightly cautious.

Cam77 · 12/09/2019 07:20

Racism is still far more common in Britain than many people realize, as anyone who is no white British or spends considerable amounts of time with no white British people knows. However, this sounds like lack of sufficient communication and the member of staff is 100% correct not to hand over your child, given that there was even the slightest doubt in her/his mind about who he was.

Pikapikachooo · 12/09/2019 07:20

Racism or security ? I suspect the latter
Schools tread very carefully and need to be informed

Heyboyo · 12/09/2019 07:20

Last year I went to pick up my DS and got refused as I’d never done it before. DH picks him up and drops off all the time because I’m working. Not racism

CuriousaboutSamphire · 12/09/2019 07:21

Let me untangle that..

Your DP drops your DD off, but has just this once collected her.

You have only collected her once

Your father has collected her twice.

Her aunt has collected her 3 times.

So... 7 pick ups, 4 different people and you want teachers to know which different people are OK without any hesitation?

YABVU!

Propertyofhood · 12/09/2019 07:22

These days there are loads of protocols in primary schools about handing kids over to adults at the end of the day. Gone are the days when, even in KS2, the teacher would open the door and the kids would go out and find whoever was picking them up. Schools have designated lists of authorised people to pick up, but obviously they mean nothing if the teacher doesn't recognise that person.

The important question here is: had this teacher met your DP before? If not then they were absolutely correct in being cautious and checking. Especially if she knew there were family issues. You have no evidence that she would have handed DD over if he had brown skin.

And if she had met your DP before, then obviously she would have known who he was anyway.

Like others have said: who the fuck would be a teacher these days.

Do your best to safeguard the children in your care and get accused of racism!

Tippety · 12/09/2019 07:22

Reason 567864 not to he a teacher.

LellyMcKelly · 12/09/2019 07:23

I genuinely don’t understand why you think this would be racist, rather than simply a new teacher at the very beginning of a new term, who is aware of problems with your child’s father, trying to make sure that your child was safe. You should be commending her.

Tiredtessy · 12/09/2019 07:24

How pathetic, of course it's not racist unless every day the teacher refuses to hand over non white children, she probably didn't recognise him, why does every single thing have to be about race?

CuriousaboutSamphire · 12/09/2019 07:27

Especially when we can only assume that this same new teacher has handed OPs DD over to 3 other white people without demur!

sawyersfishbiscuits · 12/09/2019 07:28

I don't think race came into it. I'm wondering if the teacher had read her file and knew your ex had limited access. If the ex doesn't have PR then it might be the teacher was just checking that your partner wasn't the ex!

Was it resolved quickly? You don't say. If it was a big hoohah then it would've been embarrassing, if it was a quick check and an "I'm sorry, I'm still getting used used to who's Mums and Dads are who" from the teacher then relax!

I bet it's linked to the ex, and the teacher is following safeguarding protocol.

youarenotkiddingme · 12/09/2019 07:28

In would assume it can from the 'daddy' part of the equation.

If the teachers notes state father cannot collect and DD said "that's daddy" she isn't to immediately know it's the step dad by law.

I wouldn't go to racists in this case. But I'd certainly ask why she refused at first to avoid a similar situation.

AJPTaylor · 12/09/2019 07:28

My husband was refused to collect DD because they didn't recognise him. Despite her shouting Hello Daddy at him!

TheVanguardSix · 12/09/2019 07:29

I don't understand why the teacher, who presumably knows your DP from morning drop-off, wouldn't hand over at pick-up. Odd.

That said, she would be aware of any handover issues with 'dad'. Maybe she thought your partner was the dad with supervised access and held back on that account.
Clarify with the teacher who is collecting. Given your circumstances with your ex, your role here is to keep the school in the loop at the start of every academic year and in between if anything changes- i.e. my own ex had supervised contact. Fast forward a year on and he was collecting DS from school for sleepovers. Supervised contact is not forever and eventually, the situation with bio-dad will change and he will be at the school. So you want to keep staff up to date. And above all, keep it cool.

Metempsychosis · 12/09/2019 07:30

The teacher has been happily handing your DC over to white people every day so far. I’d think it’s much more likely that her caution is because she knows there’s special reason to be wary of her father. If she can’t remember what you look like then your DP might well be the biological father.

Mlou32 · 12/09/2019 07:30

YABU.

I think folk saying that it's racism really need to look up the definition of the word racist.

OP you can't possibly know if they would have handed your DD over to your ex no bother due to his skin colour. There is no way of knowing.

Personally I'd think that the person who was in charge of letting kids go home with whoever has come along to pick them up simply didn't know or recognise your partner, therefore she was cautious. Nothing wrong with that, in fact I'd be really angry if she had let your DD go without knowing exactly who he was.

Please don't turn this into a race issue, which I really don't think it is. What happens if next time, they let a kid go with someone who they aren't entirely sure of who they are, just because they have a different colour of skin and are afraid of questioning in case they get accused of racism?

EvilEdna1 · 12/09/2019 07:32

If her biological father has supervised access only three is probably something on her record stating this and instructing staff not to allow him to collect. The teacher will have this in the back of her mind and couldn't recall exact details in the moment. I work in a school office and there are so many family complications and intricacies to remember from major safeguarding concerns to it not being wise to call a particular parent about money owing because they then use it as ammunition against the other parent etc. It's impossible to keep it all straight in your head in the moment so it is best to double check.

LordProfFekkoThePenguinPhD · 12/09/2019 07:32

Schools need to be so much more cautious than when we were kids (door open and kids shooed out).

I’d thank the school for being vigilant and suppress any hurt feelings/ego.

Metempsychosis · 12/09/2019 07:36

(I know MN has regrettable form for inventing convoluted reasons why a situation which looks blatantly racist is actually “just XYZ” and perfectly fine but in this case the alternative explanation really does seem very likely)

CuriousaboutSamphire · 12/09/2019 07:36

I don't understand why the teacher, who presumably knows your DP from morning drop-off, wouldn't hand over at pick-up. Odd. Why odd? Could be a part time teacher, could not be there at any drop off time, has other duties in the morning. There are squillions of reasons why this might be so! Most more obvious than leaping to 'racism'

AmateurSwami · 12/09/2019 07:39

We’ve had similar before, both dh and ds look identical, but they kept ds in the classroom until they could get hold of the office records stating who could pick him up.

I don’t think it’s racism-I think it’s v likely that they know your ds has people on his list that cant collect him, and were doubly cautious.

In the case of my ds, there was another dad with the same first name as my dh who was banned from collecting his own son in the same class.

They were keeping him safe. Frustrating? Maybe, but I’d rather this than the alternative.

AmateurSwami · 12/09/2019 07:42

(I know MN has regrettable form for inventing convoluted reasons why a situation which looks blatantly racist is actually “just XYZ” and perfectly fine but in this case the alternative explanation really does seem very likely

Agree

Ginger1982 · 12/09/2019 07:46

If this is the first time your DP has collected her and the teacher isn't the same one who is there at drop off then I think that she was just being careful.