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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To call school out for racism

173 replies

Wtaffuming · 12/09/2019 00:32

Dd5 is mixed race. Her biological father is of Indian descent. It was an abusive relationship. I left at first opportunity. I have full custody of dd, he has supervised access.
My dp has brought her up from 9mo. He is white like me.
Today DP went to collect DD from school and new teacher refused to hand her over as she didn't believe he was 'Daddy'
School is aware of the issues with bio dad and court orders.
My aibu is... If bio dad turned up would new teacher have handed her over because of the colour of his skin? Dp takes her to school everyday and has done since reception

OP posts:
LuckyAmy1986 · 12/09/2019 07:47

I don’t get the drama tbh. I pick up the kids from school most of the time but DH does on the odd occasion. He’s brown, the kids are white looking, we are guessing the new teacher might be a bit confused at who’s dad he is when he goes to pick them next time. We have a laugh about it! You seem to want to make an issue of it for whatever reason. She’s just being cautious, which you want her to be, right?

palahvah · 12/09/2019 07:48

It's not racism, but I don't understand why they have a list if they're not going to use it.

You're right to be concerned that they would let anyone who happens to have the same skin colour as one of your children pick them up.

Xenia · 12/09/2019 07:48

I don't think it was racisim. It was poor communication at the school.
Also better that the child is protected than goes off with someone who isn't their father, surely?

Also it is not that surprising that someone might think a parent of a different colour is not the biological parent. it is not really racism. Of course the child might be adopted or fostered but that does not change the fact that that person cannot be the biological parent of the child.

SmiledWithTheRisingSun · 12/09/2019 07:49

I've been queried collecting my DC's friend from a class where the teacher knows me really well because the parent of said friend hadn't phoned in to say I was collecting. It held me up 5 minutes and was a bit annoying.,But...

Put yourself in the shoes of the teacher concerned? In fact all teachers.

Imagine you were them & didn't know the person (surely your DP hadn't met ALL the teachers?!)
What do you do? Imagine if he WAS an unsavoury character?
Surely it's best to err on the side of caution?
I think I'd rather someone be queried who was collecting my child 🤷🏾‍♀️

Harriett123 · 12/09/2019 07:49

Perhaps it was the word 'daddy' that triggered the alarm for your teacher mistaking bio dad for step dad. If teacher was aware of issues with the father she acted correctly to stop the child a simple case of mistaken identity.
I say this has nothing to do with race especially since she has been given to white relatives.
Worth a quite word with the teacher to ensure she is clued in on the family situation

WaterSheep · 12/09/2019 07:51

but I don't understand why they have a list if they're not going to use it.

But surely the list would have said the OPs partner can collect, and the child's father cannot. The misunderstanding here seems to have come from the OPs partner being called daddy.

The teacher knows the dad cannot collect, so she was right to take the time to check.

CuriousaboutSamphire · 12/09/2019 07:52

It's not racism, but I don't understand why they have a list if they're not going to use it. List = names. Not pictures... so the new teacher did the right thing and double checked!

itsmecathycomehome · 12/09/2019 08:01

"You're right to be concerned that they would let anyone who happens to have the same skin colour as one of your children pick them up."

But that's not the case. Several white relatives have already collected her.

A pp was right - 7 pick ups, 4 different people so far. A SD who has only done drop offs. And the knowledge that there is a safeguarding issue around this child.

OMGshefoundmeout · 12/09/2019 08:02

Is not sure it is racism if they happily hand her over to her equally white older brother. It sounds like cautiousness to me.

Given the fact that they are aware that there are issues with her father I don’t blame them at all for erring on the side of caution. Whilst I can see it was inconvenient and possibly embarrassing (both for your DP and the teacher who made the mistake with your child’s safety her only priority) I would be very reassured that they are taking her safety so seriously.

Gazelda · 12/09/2019 08:09

It was a misunderstanding by someone trying to abide by a known safeguarding concern. I don't think it was racist.
She may have never seen him before. She knew there were issues around the biological father. Your DP may have referred to himself as Daddy or your DD may have called him that.
The teacher was acting in your DD's best interests by questioning your DP. I presume it was eventually resolved?

Cheeserton · 12/09/2019 08:14

He's brought the child up from a baby. How the hell is it doing their job to not let her father (in the genuine sense of that word, not sperm donor), who they know from records to be the parent, to collect her?? And yes it's racism to assume just from colour.

theendoftheendoftheend · 12/09/2019 08:18

A quick check of the definition of racism would enlighten.

So DP hasn't collected her yet this year? The teacher knows there's something about the father not being able to collect. Quite rightly she didn't want to let the child go, and took the time to check.

It was this ^^

That's called safeguarding.

Cheeserton · 12/09/2019 08:23

Yeah. Alternatively...

Dp takes her to school everyday and has done since reception

And has brought her up from 9 months. How would you feel collecting your child and having someone refuse to hand them over?

Camomila · 12/09/2019 08:23

You've missed out multicultural families Xenia, DS is a different colour to me, he's still mine biologically.

saraclara · 12/09/2019 08:32

Seriously, this is SO obvious. It's a new teacher who hasn't met dad before, and who knows there's an instruction about your DD's father not being allowed to take her. Of course she's going to be super careful. Her job, and your child's safety are on the line.
The other people who've picked her up are clearly not her father, so this has only just arisen.

LordProfFekkoThePenguinPhD · 12/09/2019 08:33

And I await the thread - ‘my partner went to collect my kid from school for the first time - and the teacher just handed him over! He could have been a crazy axe murderer!!! I have contacted the newspapers, my MP and my lawyer...’

Cheeserton · 12/09/2019 08:33

Also it is not that surprising that someone might think a parent of a different colour is not the biological parent. it is not really racism

Of course it is! So many biological parents in mixed heritage relationships have children of a different colour to themselves! It's a purely racist assumption. My daughter looks white, I sure as hell don't.

LordProfFekkoThePenguinPhD · 12/09/2019 08:34

I’m very white. DS isn’t. I’ve only been mistaken for his grandma 😭

CuriousaboutSamphire · 12/09/2019 08:39

He's brought the child up from a baby. How the hell is it doing their job to not let her father (in the genuine sense of that word, not sperm donor), who they know from records to be the parent, to collect her?? And yes it's racism to assume just from colour

How would they know any of that? They know very basic information, that to is safeguarded, so the school's named person may know the details but teachers will only know some of it.

The OPs DD has been released to 3 other white people so far, in 7 pick ups.

OPs DP has only previously dropped off her DD

Teacher is new, may never have seen DP and was doing her job... checking!

No racism at all!

Cheeserton · 12/09/2019 08:46

How would they know any of that?

I guess because they've been fully informed of the issues and he drops her off EVERY DAY since reception!

LordProfFekkoThePenguinPhD · 12/09/2019 08:46

School doesn’t know. They don’t know all the faces and names yet.

My sister was head at a school where there has been instances where parents have tried to collect children that they have been court ordered not to go anywhere near and she has had to physically stop scary (usually men) parents from dragging their children out, and been threatened/had to call the police.

It’s safeguarding.

CuriousaboutSamphire · 12/09/2019 08:48

I guess because they've been fully informed of the issues and he drops her off EVERY DAY since reception! You misunderstand - and seemingly don't read all of a post, see comments about safeguarding!

OP drops off. Different routine from pick up!

How does a teacher recognise a face from a name on a list?

How is it racism?

TheVanguardSix · 12/09/2019 08:51

I don't understand why the teacher, who presumably knows your DP from morning drop-off, wouldn't hand over at pick-up. Odd. Why odd? Could be a part time teacher, could not be there at any drop off time, has other duties in the morning. There are squillions of reasons why this might be so! Most more obvious than leaping to 'racism'

I am not leaping to racism. And if you read my post, you'll see that my conclusions are drawn from my own experience of parenting with a father who, at the time DS started school, had supervised contact.

My comment was made in the hope that OP would explain further. It could have been a TA at the door who's just getting to know who's who and understands that this child has a father in the picture who is, at present, not allowed to collect on account of supervised visits and she is therefore overly cautious (rightly so). I don't think this is racism at all, for what it's worth. But I can understand why the OP wonders if it is. And she is right to wonder and question a possible racist element here. I don't think, given the history, that it is racism, fwiw.

LolaSmiles · 12/09/2019 08:52

A pp was right - 7 pick ups, 4 different people so far. A SD who has only done drop offs. And the knowledge that there is a safeguarding issue around this child.
Agreed
Early days in the year, multiple adults doing pick ups, someone new turns up, teacher checks the child was fine to be released to them.

Totally not racist.

Our of interest OP how quickly do you think a member of staff should learn the names and faces of 32 different sets of parents, partners and extended families? Could you learn names and faces of potentially 120-150 people based on 2 minute interactions at different times of the day, with some families changing who is there regularly? At what point would you have all that commited to memory so that you'd confidently judge a child's safety on this knowledge? It's just something to consider before deciding you want to "call school out" for non-racism

Pinkblueberry · 12/09/2019 08:54

Perhaps it was the word 'daddy' that triggered the alarm for your teacher mistaking bio dad for step dad. If teacher was aware of issues with the father she acted correctly to stop the child a simple case of mistaken identity.

I agree with this - if the school knows about your DDs father being abusive they will be extra cautious about this kind of thing - rightfully so.