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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to ask friend to remove her dog from the room when I visit with my child?

388 replies

BadBehaviour · 11/09/2019 21:56

I’ve recently had a baby and I have been taking my baby to see friends, one friend has quite a large breed of dog. I have asked her before I visit to remove the dog from the room temporarily whilst we are there. She’s agreed but when I turn up she hasn’t done it, nor is she willing to.

I understand it’s her home if she wants her dog in every room that’s her right. I just end up leaving as I will not take my baby inside. She refuses to meet up elsewhere.

So AIBU to ask her to remove her dog from the room we are in temporarily?

Thanks guys Smile

OP posts:
1forAll74 · 12/09/2019 02:00

Is this because you don't like dogs, don't trust the dog, because it's a large breed, Or that you don't want a dog to be near your baby ?

Perhaps don't visit your friend if this is a big issue for you. You can't really dictate what your friend should do with her dog.

AmICrazyorWhat2 · 12/09/2019 02:01

In my view, if you invite someone round you do your best to make them comfortable. Putting a dog into another room is a small thing you can do to make someone feel at ease.

That's my approach to guests as well. One of my neighbours is frightened of dogs (all dogs) so I keep our dog away from her when she comes round, even though he's incredibly friendly. Your friend is BU.

tabulahrasa · 12/09/2019 02:05

“Do dogs get distressed at being in one room as opposed to another room then?”

Some dogs get distressed at being confined, some dogs get distressed at being alone, some dogs get distressed at being shut away when they know they’re not in alone...

It’s very common for dogs that have been rehomed to have some extent of separation anxiety, because rehoming them causes it.

Or often people train dogs to settle alone, but don’t think to train them to settle in a different room shut away from them - because it’s not something you’d routinely do and then it’s not an issue until one day they need to and the dog gets upset.

So yes, it’s pretty common really - dogs don’t really get things like, it’s just another room or that it’s likely to be a short period of time...

TelAvivLastNight · 12/09/2019 02:14

I would also caution you against demonstrating fear and avoidance behaviours around dogs in front of your child. You are at risk of creating a phobia later in childhood.

This is such a catch 22 in my experience. My dogs will ignore the vast majority of people- they have no interest. If someone starts acting panicky and 'strange' - for in their view no reason they pick up on it and start to pay attention to that person. Not aggressively but as in - 'I need to watch this person they are behaving oddly and might be a threat'. Dogs are masters of body language. This then increases the anxiety of the person demonstrating fear.

cakeandchampagne · 12/09/2019 02:15

YANBU to ask. She is not very nice to refuse.
I wouldn’t take my baby to her house, and I wouldn’t consider her a friend.

TelAvivLastNight · 12/09/2019 02:18

My dogs are fine being alone if we are out or if only the family is home I.e. I can go into my bedroom and close the door that is fine. They would not be fine if people arrived and then they are shut away. One of them would get quite panicky and distressed. She is a rescue and has had trauma in her early life.

compulsiveliar2019 · 12/09/2019 02:29

I think YABU. The chances of the dog being any sort of threat to your baby with at least two adults present is very very small. Especially if your baby is in your arms or in their pram.
I don't shut my dog away from guests if you come to my home you accept that my dog is part of my family and it's her home. I actually don't have anywhere to shut my dog away as my house is very small. If I had a friend who didn't want to see the dog then I would meet them out somewhere instead.

Lentilbug · 12/09/2019 02:45

All these people going on about how their dog "would never do anything". Well the fact is that's what most others whose dogs did do something thought as well. They're animals and there will always be an element of unpredictability to their behaviour. Why should the OP or anyone else be expected to take the risk?

TelAvivLastNight · 12/09/2019 02:50

@Lentilbug it is a balance I think. I would never leave my dogs unsupervised with children. One of my dogs is scared of children and I would actually not allow young toddlers around her in a confined space. She has never shown aggression to any human but I would never test her.

Other dogs, used to children are likely to be quite safe. I believe dogs should always be supervised around young children but I don't think shutting such dogs away is necessary.

Stompythedinosaur · 12/09/2019 02:53

Anyway, I do know what you mean. Me and my family are the same - all in one room, all the time. We live, eat, sleep, shit and work there. Every now and again someone knocks on the door but we'd get distressed if we went into the hallway because that's a different room so we don't answer it. Saves the stress of dealing with guests anyway, I can tell you.

Hmm I think that you probably don't have a lot of experience with dogs.

Bellagio40 · 12/09/2019 02:53

Yanbu

Lentilbug · 12/09/2019 03:00

@TelAvivLastNight

There's evidence that a lot of people aren't well educated about how to handle dogs and children together:

"previous research finds adults are frequently in the room when kids are bitten by the pet."

health.usnews.com/wellness/family/articles/2016-10-27/is-your-dog-a-danger-to-young-kids

It takes time and consistent effort to teach a dog how to behave around children. An owner such as the friend is unlikely to go to all that trouble for a casual visitor with a baby .

I have a dog that I love dearly but do not trust to be around my child at all because of her temperament (bad genes maybe) despite me doing everything right to train her and accomodate her. I don't trust that other people are as responsible with their pets so it's an obvious choice not to risk it.

Being cautious and introducing children to dogs in an age appropriate manner in time is hardly teaching the child to be afraid of the dog.

20viona · 12/09/2019 03:04

She's a dick I wouldn't bother going round unless she will move it. If she's a true friend she could come to you or meet elsewhere.

Lentilbug · 12/09/2019 03:06

Toys, particularly the fuzzy, squeaky, stuffed toys, are made to mimic the sound of prey. The squeakers are high pitched, the item itself is squeezable, and it can be ripped apart. This is why you will see a dog repeatedly squeak the toy, shake it furiously, and often eventually rip it apart. With the toy the dog is fulfilling the prey/kill sequence.

... prey aggression is a very serious problem is when the prey aggression is directed at humans. While this is rare, it does occur. It is almost always directed at babies or young children.

davidreinecker.com/dog-aggression/understanding-prey-aggression-in-dogs

WipeYourFeetOnTheRhythmRug · 12/09/2019 03:41

"Me and my family are the same - all in one room, all the time. We live, eat, sleep, shit and work there. Every now and again someone knocks on the door but we'd get distressed if we went into the hallway because that's a different room so we don't answer it."

Grin Grin

Thehouseintheforest · 12/09/2019 03:56

Ffs people, have the MN collective lost their reading comprehension gene ??

The OP doesn't hate dogs. In fact she has stated quite plainly that she is a dog lover !

The size / breed/ demeanour/ of the dog is COMPLETELY IRRELEVANT! !

The post isn't about the bloody dog
It's about her friend AGREEING to a specific action , Requested (not demanded) by the OP as a condition of visiting and then NOT doing this action when she arrives.

It doesn't matter if this is regarding a dog,
To keep saying 'it's the dogs home' is to spectacularly miss the point. It could be about absolutely ANYTHING.. ;

" Hi friend , shall we meet up." ?
"Yes I would love that , Why don't you come over to me , I don't feel like going out"

Ok , great.. can I ask you a favour though..? You always play really loud music when I come over, it gives me a headache and I can't hear what you are saying .. would you mind not playing it while I'm there ?

Oh, ok no problem. See you tomorrow.

(Arrived at house to find it vibrating with noise and refused to turn it down .. )

No. BadBehaviour you are not being remotely unreasonable. Your friend is being a complete dickhead. If she doesn't want/wish to move the dog then she just says that - and stops wasting your time!

Actionhasmagic · 12/09/2019 03:57

Yanbu she shouldn’t agree then change mind.

Segrey · 12/09/2019 04:37

Definitely not being unreasonable, your friend however is. I would expect her to be a lot more accomodating than she is. I can't help but wonder if there is an element of jealousy and she is refusing to remove her 'baby' from the room when you visit?

Sayhellotothethings · 12/09/2019 05:32

Well the fact is that's what most others whose dogsdiddo something thought as well. They're animals and there will always be an element of unpredictability to their behaviour. Why should the OP or anyone else be expected to take the risk?

I see so many cases of family dogs giving clear warnings to children to leave them alone which parents ignore (so the child doesn't learn to respect the dog's request) or punish the dog.
2 latest examples - a dog baring it's teeth at an out stretched toddlers arm and being shouted at for doing so and then the child being plonked on it (in this instance personally I would have a stair gate between baby and dog)
A baby crawling over to a dog, sitting on it, and pulling it's hair. Dog growls and was scolded.

You should never punish a dogs warning, but learn from it and take appropriate action to keep your child safe. Punishing a growl means they skip it in future. That's where many people go wrong.
Also a lot of parents don't know how to read lower level stress signals from the dogs and may well leave them unsupervised with children.

stayathomer · 12/09/2019 06:35

lolasmiles riotlady tabulahrasa ah okay, thanks! I always wondered!

AliTheMinx · 12/09/2019 06:37

YANBU. I wouldn't risk it either, OP. Your friend isn't being very understanding. Why won't she meet elsewhere?

noodlenosefraggle · 12/09/2019 08:25

I think your friends preference for being at home is fine, but surely if it is just a preference, she could put herself out if her friend had just had a baby! She does actually sound like she doesn't want to see you. Especially after she has done this 3 times! Sometimes people go weird when their friends have babies. Either they feel jealous or they feel the relationship will change too much or they don't want to spend their time with their friend and a baby all the time. Sometimes people just don't like other peoples babies.I wouldn't have dreamt of getting any of my friends to traipse to my my house 3 times when they had a new baby, and none of my friends expected me to do it after I had my babies!

GiveMeHope103 · 12/09/2019 08:36

A good friend of mine is a huge dog lover and has two who are like children to her. But even she has a brain and common sense not to have them in the same room as small children. She immediately puts them outside when she has visitors. We also grew up with an indoor dog who was like a child to my dm, but we never thought twice to put her in another room or outside when small kids were visiting.

onanothertrain · 12/09/2019 08:47

It's clear that your friend thinks you are being unreasonable in asking, doesn't matter so much what we think. If you're not prepared to have your baby and her dog in the same room then stop visiting her.

ChocChocButtons · 12/09/2019 08:49

If the dog is territorial I agree the friend should pop him out. It’s not worth the risk.