Brother’s wedding reception

[VitaSackville]

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3671262-Brother-s-Wedding

I don’t know if my first attempt at a link has worked.

Last time I posted some people complained that my post was incomprehensible. I hope that I do better this time.

Essentially my brother eloped a year after my father refused to go to his wedding because he didn’t extend an invitation to my husband.
Last time people accused my father of bullying and trying to buy spaces at a small wedding because I was upset at my husband and children not making the cut. I refute both of these interpretations.

My brother had wanted a civil wedding followed by a meal at a restaurant owned by a celebrity chef. Well an invitation has arrived now at this restaurant but again for my parents, my two cousins and me. No invitation for my DH. It is an invitation from my SiL’s mother and step-father.

I don’t want a repeat of last year but I am hurt. We have asked my dad not to get involved but my mum has asked if they could pay for 3 extra places but my brother said there was no room around the table.
She asked him if he would be upset if his new wife was excluded from cousin’s forthcoming wedding. He conceded that he would because cousin is inviting partners but He isn’t.

He went on to ask her if she was suggesting that he didn’t invite some of his friends in order to invite my DH. Mum felt that a celebration could include more than one table!
My eldest cousin has said he is going without his wife so there is no drama between them. My cousin who is getting married hasn’t replied. I just don’t know what to do. I am really upset and embarrassed that my DH and my children have been excluded like this.
I thought we had recovered from the engagement/wedding drama but now this.
Brother has said that he will be hurt and embarrassed if my parents don’t go.

There has to be more to it.
So what your db wasn't interested in your eldest. Not everyone likes children.
It's not just your little unit that are excluded. All the in-laws are. Sounds like they are choosing guests whom they consider as friends. Absolutely nothing wrong with that. Family dynamics are different and I really do buy into the whole you don't need to be mates with all family members.

It should be clear to you that you are not going to change his mind. You tried last time. Everyone tried last time! It didn't work.

So stop dramatising, stop trying to change the situation, and make a decision - you go, or you don't go. I suspect your absence will not be missed.

It's not just him that isn't invited, after all. It might not be correct form but seriously, it's in OP's power to stop this becoming a lifelong cause of sadness for loads of people. It's in the DB's too, but he's not going to do it. OP still can. Your DH is right.

Why though? Why is it more ops responsibility to smooth this over than the brother's?

He's decided not to invite his sister's husband (which most people would consider strange) so why is it on everyone else to avoid a family rift?

How does the brother think the family relationship will be from this point on? Does he think that everyone needs to just forget this and revert back to being a normal family again? I find it so weird. If you do something like this then you do it knowing that there will be fall out from it.

You can't do it and just expect everyone to be ok with it. If I were op I wouldn't go and whatever the fallout from that I'd just accept.

Actually I’m not sure that I’d invite my siblings partner to a small wedding. I very much like them and they’ve been together for years but we’re not that close and well, just that. They’ve always lived their own life and they don’t really interact with ours on a daily basis so I kind of see how your brother might no invite your husband.

I would normally think it very rude to exclude a sibling's spouse from this kind of event, but if it's at a celebrity restaurant where the places truly are limited, then I understand the exclusion of ILs.
I read your other thread and I don't think you did anything wrong - it all snowballed, but none of that was caused by you. I think it's understandable to be hurt that your brother doesn't feel that your husband and children are also his family.
It's also strange to expect others to celebrate your marriage, while ignoring the significance of theirs.
I'd probably go, if my husband wasn't hurt by that. My husband's feelings would be my primary consideration. It would change how I felt about my brother though and I'd be less keen to out myself out for him in the future. Obviously, he can't expect your husband to put himself out in the future, if the need arose.
I think this is sad all round. Yes, people do have a right to the wedding of their choice but it's so rude to exclude a bil.
I'm not especially close to my sil but I can't imagine ever doing this because it would hurt my brother. The fact that yours doesn't care, is bound to be painful.

You have never once explained why you can’t go alone.

Because she doesn't want to?

Why hasn't the brother invited the Bil? Because he doesn't want to

Why not have the meal at a restaurant big enough to accommodate bil? Because he doesn't want to

So brother doesn't have to do something that he doesn't want to and that's fine, but op should just suck it up and do what she doesn't want to, for the greater good?

Actions have consequences. Brother needs to accept that on this occasion his action has the consequence of causing a family rift.

You and your DF wreck their wedding and now you want to wreck their reception? Your DB and SIL couldn't have the wedding they originally wanted so had to make some hard decisions. They made decisions based on clear criteria and stuck to them. Everyone who really loves them have supported them but you are determined to make it a battle of wills (as shown by your DH's talk of victory). How many times do you have to be told it's not your wedding, not your decision before you accept it?

Don't go OP, you won't be able to be happy for them and it sounds like you wouldn't be able to resist moaning about your DH and DCs not being invited. Let someone who likes them go instead. Your parents should stay away too if they can't be supportive of your DB and SIL.

I would be offended if my DH wasn’t invited but cousins were-surely a sister is closer than a cousin (even without their spouse being invited).

Do they want to be the only married couple there apart from PIL? Weird. Also clearly doing it to make a point after the elopement, given that your mum has offered to pay.

Why should ops parents be supportive of her DBs divisive actions. If there is fallout it’s due to her brothers actions in the first place.

Your wrecked their smaller wedding to the point that they felt they had to elope. That's nothing to be proud of.

I don't think you have a choice except to go unless you want to end any sort of relationship with your brother. You also need to get try to get your parents to back off your DB. They've made it clear how they feel but now it's down to him.

I think people are being pretty harsh on your reaction though. I'd be pretty upset if my DSIL got married and didn't invite me. Could understand her not inviting DD if it was a very grown up affair though.

To be fair, the OP didn't wreck her brother's wedding. Events got out of hand because if the actions of several people, the brother included. As I recall, the OP'S family (h &DC) were invited to lunch at her parent's house. The brother phoned to ask her not to take them because he wanted to make an engagement announcement. That was the first time he tried to exclude them and it wasn't even a lunch that he was hosting. I mean, who uninvites their bil and nephews from someone else's house?
Then he told the OP that her DH and DC weren't invited to his wedding. It's natural she would be hurt and her parents took the view that he was wrong to do it. They didn't ask for the money they'd given db back - sil's mother took it upon herself to send a cheque back to OP's dad. He didn't cash it. I can we'll see how this family consider db to be the rude one.
While it is true that it's the bride and groom's day, I'm not sure it gives them a complete 'get out of jail free' card, to ignore manners and other people's feelings.

Do you think your brother and his wife would attend a celebration that your family organised, OP? It would be a while off yet, but maybe just a get-together at someone's house with your side of the family there, not your SIL's mother and step-father though.

Sil's mother has definitely stirred the pot.

I actually think that your brother is being unreasonable here. Fair enough not wanting children, but not to invite his bil. If my SIL had only invited my husband but not me to her wedding, I would have taken it as a snub. Essentially he has chosen an expensive meal by a celebrity chef over close family! You are closer than cousins, so your DH should have been invited. He knew what the original problem was. He's not extending an olive branch. He's sticking to his guns. I think that you should stick to yours and decline.

I commented on the other thread. I was pretty outraged by the way your brother and sil acted by hijacking a family meal. Tbh your brother didn’t get his way with the wedding so if you’re keeping scores (which you seem to be), it’s 1-0 to you and your parents. This time I’d just suck it up and go. It’ll be 1-1 and everything can go back to some kind of normalcy with adjustments to know how your brother views your family. If otoh you don’t go, I would conclude you and your brother are more alike than you realise : both entrenched in a position.

You have 2 choices, go or not.

I would be hurt that my DH was not included, I understand slightly more about children but then they are blood relatives.

What happens at Christmas? Specifically Christmas Day, do you ever spend it together? For me, I only ever spend Christmas Day with my most important people. Does he spend it with your family? If he does then this would be a deciding factor for me, he can spend Christmas Day with you and your family but don’t invite them, that would be my line crossed and I wouldn’t attend and DB and SIL would no longer be welcomed on 25/12.

Why would your brother stir this up all again?

Getting extra tables would definitely change the nature of the event, from something intimate to something more like a traditional wedding. And how would it work? Nobody would be able to hear your brother and wife at other tables and you can't exactly keep getting up/walking around or making speeches across the restaurant. It may then even be an issue with the restaurant in that they won't see it as a normal booking but an event you have to pay extra for. Could there also be an issue with them charging extra if they know it is a wedding? (Very likely).

I get that it is not what you or your family want but your brother and wife obviously want something very different. I would just suck it up to be honest.

I wouldn't go. You said that your mutual friend's husband is going but your husband isn't. That tells you waste they think of you both.

It's something they may live to regret. I invited good friends instead of my uncles and aunts ( neither of us wanted DH's uncle so it looked consistent ) however after 20 years we've relocated and lost touch with the friends but the uncles and aunts are still part of our lives.

We cannot say that a in law is closer than a cousin. Some people are v close to their cousins, live near them, see them all the time meanwhile the in law lives miles away and sees them only at family events. Op hasn’t commented on that side of things so we don’t know.

The mutual friends husband is going because they are also a friend!!!

If it wasn’t seen as a wedding celebration would it be that big a deal?

I would just think free food in a nice restaurant, bye DH 😂

I can’t stand my sis in law but if 8 didn’t invite her my brother or niece wouldn’t have been ‘allowed’ at my wedding and she I said controlling and manipulative so I had to invite her, she thankfully stayed out my way.

I would have loved to have left her out but wouldn’t have wanted t9 upset my brother.

I just feel as though he has done nothing to build bridges with you (and your dad). Surely he could have invited you, then spoken to your DH, explained the situation and suggested that you also all go out for a more casual meal another time. If he recognises that he has hurt your feelings and that of his bil, then surely a bit of PR/reassurance/effort on his part wouldn't go astray?