Brother’s wedding reception

[VitaSackville]

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3671262-Brother-s-Wedding

I don’t know if my first attempt at a link has worked.

Last time I posted some people complained that my post was incomprehensible. I hope that I do better this time.

Essentially my brother eloped a year after my father refused to go to his wedding because he didn’t extend an invitation to my husband.
Last time people accused my father of bullying and trying to buy spaces at a small wedding because I was upset at my husband and children not making the cut. I refute both of these interpretations.

My brother had wanted a civil wedding followed by a meal at a restaurant owned by a celebrity chef. Well an invitation has arrived now at this restaurant but again for my parents, my two cousins and me. No invitation for my DH. It is an invitation from my SiL’s mother and step-father.

I don’t want a repeat of last year but I am hurt. We have asked my dad not to get involved but my mum has asked if they could pay for 3 extra places but my brother said there was no room around the table.
She asked him if he would be upset if his new wife was excluded from cousin’s forthcoming wedding. He conceded that he would because cousin is inviting partners but He isn’t.

He went on to ask her if she was suggesting that he didn’t invite some of his friends in order to invite my DH. Mum felt that a celebration could include more than one table!
My eldest cousin has said he is going without his wife so there is no drama between them. My cousin who is getting married hasn’t replied. I just don’t know what to do. I am really upset and embarrassed that my DH and my children have been excluded like this.
I thought we had recovered from the engagement/wedding drama but now this.
Brother has said that he will be hurt and embarrassed if my parents don’t go.

I sometimes wonder what sort of world some MNers live in, where it's perfectly fine to alienate and piss off most of your family by creating some arbitrary rules about who to invite to your wedding. Yeah, yeah, technically they can invite who they like, but SERIOUSLY?? His own sister's husband is left off the list???
OP, yes, you have two choices: to go alone or tell them to shove it.
I know which I'd do!

Didn't he already elope a year ago?

How come he's getting married again?

Well they're making a point here. I can see why you're disappointed/upset that your husband isn't invited, but it is what it is and as many have said it's not your decision who is invited.

If I were you, i'd suck it up & go, be as gracious as possible in joining them in their celebrations. It may be/feel a bit awkward but you will have other family there & can hopefully rise above the situation to enjoy a nice meal. I do think they've ended up coming off oddly for being so exclusive in who they've chosen to invite. Entirely their decision and will have been noted by many beyond you.

Rise above, go along, make the best of a weird situation. The terms of relationship & future events/invite lists may be set by this situation but you can make it so that it won't be of your making if you go along, get through it & then get back on with your life. The only thing in your control here is how you choose to engage & respond & your response may well set the tone for how others like your father respond. You can potentially minimize everyone's stress if you so choose. There are way worse things in life that you could be facing & dealing with! Good luck!

Bit surely partner are invited if your sister in laws step father is going?

If your brother is stubbornly excluding your husband I think there must be a reason, he knows how much drama it causes.

But, you have to decide - he won’t change his mind.

It seems he is deliberately driving a wedge here, and you might never know why.

In your shoes I would go for family harmony, but register how hurtful you have found it. I would be polite and congratulate the bride and groom. Welcome her family. After a few years, they will hopefully look back on this with regret.

Family harmony? Her brother doesn't seem too fussed about that, does he?
I don't care for my sil in the slightest, but I would NEVER exclude her from such an occasion - or any occasion, actually.

Totally agree it’s awful to exclude him.

I suppose I find this all very difficult to imagine because this would never happen in my family (we are very boring and functional😊).

I suppose I would go to try and get my dad to go. Try and be the bigger person. Still invite her to all family functions - suck it up and hope they grow up.

I would also explain to my children that I would haunt them for the rest of their lives if they ever treated each other like this.

People seem to go nc a lot - I had never heard of people not talking to family members until I joined mn. I would go to the end of the earth to heal a family rift because my family is awesome.

@VitaSackville I would be hurt too . Is there a chance he doesn't like your husband or your cousins wife ?

Ffs grow up! Go without or decline.

Why does the OP need to grow up? I think many people would be similarly hurt in such a situation.
That said, I also suspect that they have an issue with your husband - remember how they suggested he stay at home babysitting and not attend their engagement announcement? This is nothing to do with table sizes and everything to do with very obviously not liking your husband at all.

Given how much upset he caused in the family last year, by arranging the wedding guest list the way he had - to the extent it then got cancelled and turned into an elopement - I'm amazed he hasn't learned anything from that, and is, in essence, doing exactly the same thing this year with the event, which presumably is deigned to celebrate the marriage no-one got to attend last year

Whatever any poster on here feels about being invited without spouses, it clearly mattered to his immediate family, so to repeat the exact same invitation list for the "anniversary dinner" is beyond dim. Why would anyone do that??
Either hold a "do" you can invite a reasonable number of people to, or just have a meal with both sets of parents, or don't do anything. He is being ridiculous to repeat the same invitation list that caused so much offence he cancelled his wedding over it.

All of that said, all you can do is decide how you respond to it. Personally, I would go, but obviously that is your choice. No fuss, just accept or decline.

I would be hurt. Very hurt. It would probably change my relationship with my brother forever. I wouldn't kick up the fuss you are though and I would definitely definitely go. Be the bigger person and stop trying to make him change his mind and involving your parents. It's selfish and you are making it about you.

The fact that your DH is not invited is understandably disappointing, but at this juncture it shouldn’t be a surprise.

There is no big dilemma here really. It is not appropriate for you or other family members to try to manipulate the your DB in any way. In any case that’s unlikely to be a success because it didn’t work last time.

It's totally crap he can't invite his bil unless there's some awful back story. What a shit. I honestly don't think I could go.

I remember from your last thread, you and your brother don't really have a relationship do you? Certainly not close, more distant. Your parents were being manipulative with money before, you just refuse to consider it, as a result your brother/SIL eloped. They, probably also the inlaws given they are hosting, are doing the dinner they want which is space limited. Again your db isn't invited as you have a distant relationship between siblings, let alone in laws. Friends are closer.

Your brother could chose another venue but after all the drama last time, it's probably also a principle thing to him.

Either decline or accept without dh. Don't start discuss with family again, stirring up drama. Your mum is going, so are the others, they are obviously seeing it as an olive branch. See it as that and go or as a snub again and decline. Given your distant relationship, it probably won't affect to do the latter.

Mumsnet is so weird. Here the bride and groom can do whatever they like as long as they get their special day, who cares who they hurt right?

Meanwhile, back in the real world, you are not unreasonable to be hurt by this OP. Your brother has been very mean.

My family are highly disfunctional but even my Aunt who has alienated everyone still gets invited to everything because doing otherwise would be unkind.

Your parents were being manipulative with money before
Really? Why? They gave £5K towards what they presumably thought was a family wedding, and then discovered that significant members of that family were excluded, causing hurt and upset. I don't blame them for being pissed-off about it.

they are obviously seeing it as an olive branch WTF? An olive branch? He's just repeating the insult he made last year all over again!

It amazes me the number of people on MN who support the idea that couples should be encouraged to believe they can invite whoever they like, regardless of the hurt and upset caused, because "it's their day."
I'm glad I don't know such selfish and unpleasant people in real life.

"Some people could start a fight in an empty room room"

Seconded. FFS either go or don't go.

I don't think anyone SHOULD be invited to anyone's wedding, unless they are paying for it or getting married.

My wife has been to a few where I wasn't invited, even when I knew the people well! I joined up for some evening drinks.

Due to large families she was not invited to a very close friends wedding, who we did invite to ours.

Its peoples sense of entitlement that I don't understand, I just don't feel entitled to anything, I either work hard and get whats contracted to me and anything else is a nice bonus.

Your entire family sounds highly strung, dramatic and quite frankly a bit batshit!

So much drama. Just don't go, or go without DH. It isn't like they've failed to.invite your conjoined twin.

I think your brother sounds horrible. I can understand no children (although personally don't agree when it's family) but to exclude your DH, especially after what happened last year is pretty poor of him. It screams of him not giving a shit about you, your family or your feelings.

I would actually go in your situation as I wouldn't want the rift to grow, so would go & act happy but I would be seething inside & would never feel the same about my brother again.

It's up to your parents what they do - you shouldn't expect them to take sides in this at all.

I'd bet money, however, on the fact that your brother would hit the roof if you tried to exclude his wife if the situation was reversed.

The invitation is from your brother's PIL. I don't know (and presumably neither do you) whether that's a tactical thing, or whether they are paying for this event.
I suspect it might be the latter. In which case your beef is with them, not your brother. And I REALLY wouldn't go there.

I wouldn’t go. It looks like a snub and feels like a snub because it IS a snub. All these bloody mumsnetters who cite this ‘my party, my choice’ mantra re weddings/parties/anything really don’t live in the real world. Yes of course people can choose who they want to invite to gigs, but that choice doesn’t automatically come with emotional bubble wrap from the hurt it causes very close family who are excluded. No kids I get. No husband is just plain rude.

Don’t go. Say why. And I hope you can repair your relationship when and if he can finally understand why you’re pissed off.

I don't get it either. I know it's supposed to be "their day" but they had "their day" when they eloped. You can't exclude close family members from big life events like this and expect everyone to just go "ah well, that's fine- congratulations, here's a card". There's plenty in our family we're not mad on but regardless of our lukewarm feelings it wouldn't cross my mind to start cutting them out from family dos. It's not nice and even though they're not my cup of tea I wouldn't want to hurt them- and I don't think I'm unusual in holding that view.

ln most families with a normal dynamic people will be upfront and say, "hold on, it's not on to exclude your BIL. Please consider the long term impact this will have on our small family for the sake of one seat at dinner". He's actually put your parents in a really awkward position knowing their daughter will be really hurt, but also wanting to attend and be happy for their son. I'd find that very difficult to navigate as a parent too.

@40CallmeAngelina yes, they were hence why on thread one with many OP updates the majority said her parents were unreasonable whether they agreed witb OP or not.

Given what has gone on previiudly and the lack of relationship, yes i think that's probably how they and the in laws see it. Rightly or wrongly, its OPs choice how she views it and what she does. They aren't close so if she's inclined too, i wouldn't worry about affecting their relationship.