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Original poster

Brother’s wedding reception

406 replies

VitaSackville · 11/09/2019 15:25

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3671262-Brother-s-Wedding

I don’t know if my first attempt at a link has worked.

Last time I posted some people complained that my post was incomprehensible. I hope that I do better this time.

Essentially my brother eloped a year after my father refused to go to his wedding because he didn’t extend an invitation to my husband.
Last time people accused my father of bullying and trying to buy spaces at a small wedding because I was upset at my husband and children not making the cut. I refute both of these interpretations.

My brother had wanted a civil wedding followed by a meal at a restaurant owned by a celebrity chef. Well an invitation has arrived now at this restaurant but again for my parents, my two cousins and me. No invitation for my DH. It is an invitation from my SiL’s mother and step-father.

I don’t want a repeat of last year but I am hurt. We have asked my dad not to get involved but my mum has asked if they could pay for 3 extra places but my brother said there was no room around the table.
She asked him if he would be upset if his new wife was excluded from cousin’s forthcoming wedding. He conceded that he would because cousin is inviting partners but He isn’t.

He went on to ask her if she was suggesting that he didn’t invite some of his friends in order to invite my DH. Mum felt that a celebration could include more than one table!
My eldest cousin has said he is going without his wife so there is no drama between them. My cousin who is getting married hasn’t replied. I just don’t know what to do. I am really upset and embarrassed that my DH and my children have been excluded like this.
I thought we had recovered from the engagement/wedding drama but now this.
Brother has said that he will be hurt and embarrassed if my parents don’t go.

OP posts:
redappleandaquamarinebow1987 · 13/09/2019 18:35

I do wonder how DB would feel that his now DW was not considered family. I suggest not inviting her to any family events and see how he would feel

AskingQuestionsAllTheTime · 13/09/2019 18:53

Dollymixture
He hasn’t exactly excluded all in laws though. Strictly speaking a step parent is also an in law - related only by marriage.
His wife’s step father was invited. I don’t see the difference between a step father and a brother in law.

Um, the DB's step-father is the host, so it might be a little difficult to exclude him.

OP says "It is an invitation from my SiL’s mother and step-father."

This event is not a wedding, is not a wedding breakfast, and is not being hosted by DB. His wife's parents have invited some people out for a (very expensive) meal. Celebrity chef prices, that's not going to be like getting you a burger...

CallmeAngelina · 13/09/2019 18:58

Um, the DB's step-father is the host, so it might be a little difficult to exclude him.
He might have been privy to the invitations going out, but I seem to recall the OP's father stumping up 5 grand for the wedding that didn't happen. Doesn't that also make him a host?

EllenMP · 13/09/2019 19:04

Your husband probably doesn't want to go anyway at this point. You have to decide how much your brother will care whether you go and how much you care about your relationship with him. He has been rude and inconsiderate to you and your husband, but you may want to go if you are or have been close to him, depending on how DH will feel if you go without him.

Dollymixture22 · 13/09/2019 19:15

Is this an anniversary party or a wedding reception?

Aridane · 13/09/2019 20:19

It’s just a celebratory intimate (& expensive) meal

Aridane · 13/09/2019 20:19

[wedding has been & gone]

saraclara · 13/09/2019 20:32

We have two different issues being debated here. On the first thread, I absolutely agreed that the DB was being selfish. And I have some sympathy for the OP's father. I agve my daughetr and her fiancee some money towards their wedding too. I didn't attach any strings, because why would I?. But all the same, if they'd not invited my other daughter's partner I'd have been horrified. I t would never have occurred to me that, given the amount of money they now had at their disposal, they'd 'economise' by leaving out someone so close within the family. I'd be appalled.

But the fall out has happened. The wedding is over. This is some sort of soiree which the inlaws appear to be hosting. I really don't see the point in stirring up even more anguish and anger. Hence how manay of us posted at the beginning of this thread. It's time to just decide to go or not go, and for the OP's parents to have 'permission' to just go and not blow up any more bridges.

Time for pragmatism.

HappyGoLuckyLuLu · 13/09/2019 21:24

What did you decide OP?

CallmeAngelina · 13/09/2019 21:54

I really don't see the point in stirring up even more anguish and anger.

And how is the OP doing that? Surely the gauntlet has been thrown down by the hosts, who have been appallingly rude in inviting just one half of an established married couple to a family event. If you're celebrating the sanctity of marriage, isn't it rather odd to exclude a close family member's married partner?

Scbchl · 13/09/2019 22:28

I'd just go myself and my husband would stay home happily with the kids. Admittedly I do think it's weird to not invite your sisters husband, kids I fully understand. But its their decision so I'd just go and keep the peace. Weird though them wanting you to go celebrate their marriage but discarding the importance of yours at the same time by not inviting your husband.

StillCoughingandLaughing · 13/09/2019 22:51

I seem to recall the OP's father stumping up 5 grand for the wedding that didn't happen. Doesn't that also make him a host?

No - it makes him someone who gave his son a gift. Someone who gave that gifts with strings and which, if you read the thread, the son returned.

CallmeAngelina · 14/09/2019 08:22

I absolutely would not go, to "keep the peace." The brother (and his new family) have caused this rift, and should suck up any consequences.
Fuck 'em!

DecomposingComposers · 14/09/2019 08:37

if you read the thread, the son returned.

I've read in this thread that the mother in law, not the son, sent a check back to the dad but he didn't cash it, so the son still has the £5000

StillCoughingandLaughing · 14/09/2019 09:01

Did the son cash it in the first place?

DecomposingComposers · 14/09/2019 09:21

Did the son cash it in the first place

Well if he didn't why would mil have to issue another cheque? They would have just returned the original cheque or, if it had been lost, destroyed etc, without being cashed then there would be no reason to send another cheque would there?

If he didn't cash the cheque the mil has just given the dad an additional £5000. The only reason to send a new one is to re pay the £5000 so presumably the original cheque was cashed.

ChicCroissant · 14/09/2019 09:56

It was spent on non-wedding items (holiday and something else) IIRC, the OP did say on the other thread. The parents didn't ask for the money back, you do wonder how involved the in-laws are in all of this.

DecomposingComposers · 14/09/2019 10:23

you do wonder how involved the in-laws are in all of this.

You do indeed, especially now with the issuing invitations for this meal. Seems to me that they are doing all they can to try and split dB from his family.

Even if the B&G decided to reject the dads gift why didn't they send a cheque back to him (even if mil actually gave them the money to do it because the original money had already been spent). By mil sending back the money it's making a clear signal that this is now an argument between bride's family, bride and groom on one side and grooms family on the other when it should be between the groom and his family. I'd love to know who on the bride's family has been excluded from all of these guest lists.

pollymere · 14/09/2019 11:20

Two months before my wedding and four months before my db, we got invited to a cousins wedding without partners. It was the sort of wedding where they'd invited everyone they'd ever met at a cost seven times as much as my one two months later. My brother and I were bemused but had a great time. My cousin's excuse was that he didn't know we had partners 😂 despite having had invites to both weddings, and that we weren't in serious relationships. Another cousin rolled up with some random guy we never saw again. Go, on your own, enjoy the food, chat to the others who are forced to be singletons and just get on with it. Otherwise it highlights you as the bad person. I'm sure people will notice and it will be gossip at your cousins wedding but it will be your brother, and not you or your family, that comes under fire.

LyraParry · 14/09/2019 12:57

I'm with those who think the DB and SIL are simply refusing to back down after the almighty drama over the guest list last year. And I don't blame them one little bit. I'd not give in to manipulation either (and adding strings to money after it has been given is definitely manipulative, as is threatening not to attend you child's wedding if you can't choose the guest list, as is telling your child that their guest list causes so much stress you attend hospital with chest pains).

I'd accept the invite, but then I'd never have made such a huge fuss over it the first time round. DSis didn't invite any family to her wedding because she didn't want the drama of who to and not to invite. I (and DM) were pretty hurt but said nothing and I'm really glad - my relationship with DSis has recovered pretty well.

Finally, in laws aren't family. After divorce (which is really common) you almost never see those people again. In most instances they are invited out of politeness, or if a friendship has developed. But I don't know anyone who thinks of their BIL/SIL in the same way as their sibling.

Original poster
VitaSackville · 14/09/2019 15:27

Well I have decided to go and so have my parents.
I don’t regard my family as toxic nor did I canvas opinions from my family. My cousins texted me and obviously I discussed things with my parents.
My father did not give the cheque with conditions but never in a month of Sundays did he imagine the wedding would exclude my husband. He sees it as a major breach of etiquette.
I get that people don’t see in-laws as family and prefer the company of actual family and friends but normally this is not rammed down our throats.
My husband wants me to go and everything can get back onto an even keel. I am not co-dependent on either my parents or my husband and often go out alone but didn’t expect to go alone to my brother’s wedding!
Never in the future will I exclude my sister-in-law to make a point. When my mother questioned my brother about this he said if his partner was excluded he would be upset if other partners were included such as my cousin’s upcoming wedding but not if all partners were excluded as he is doing.
It appears that my sister-in-law’s mother is annoyed and bitter with our family as her daughter’s original plan was scuppered. Never did my father ask for money back and he has destroyed the cheque brother’s MiL sent. Her motivation apparently was she didn’t want her daughter beholden to my dad. My dad however is just not like that.
Someone up thread asked about my friends’ attitude. They all say that it is upsetting and unconventional and not what they would do however the two that know my brother (one also knows SiL) feel that because they are usually so nice they would just go with it.
Neither my parents, my cousins or I will ruin the dinner but will be cheer personified. Thank you to everyone who contributed. Even those who think I am a ‘drama-lama’ made me think of my brother in a better light and just someone with different priorities but I am really saddened by the whole thing.

OP posts:
TatianaLarina · 14/09/2019 15:30

He’s a knob OP. There’s no getting around it.

He will pull more shit like this for sure.

Aridane · 14/09/2019 16:35

Good for you for making an effort - and, yes, I was one who sympathised with DB and though you had drama lama tendencies.

And I totally get your DB's comment to DM which was was clear (to me) was always the case - ie nothing personal against DB

When my mother questioned my brother about this he said if his partner was excluded he would be upset if other partners were included such as my cousin’s upcoming wedding but not if all partners were excluded as he is doing

Be happy for your DB he has married someone who has helped him turn his life around and that he has welcoming and generous PILs

BlueChangeling · 14/09/2019 16:40

I think you've made the right decision. X

LovePoppy · 14/09/2019 17:33

it appears that my sister-in-law’s mother is annoyed and bitter with our family as her daughter’s original plan was scuppered

I think that’s normal. I’d be very hurt for my daughter if she couldn’t have the wedding she wanted due to family drama.

I still think not inviting your husband is silly, but I understand why they are holding the line.