Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Brother’s wedding reception

406 replies

VitaSackville · 11/09/2019 15:25

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3671262-Brother-s-Wedding

I don’t know if my first attempt at a link has worked.

Last time I posted some people complained that my post was incomprehensible. I hope that I do better this time.

Essentially my brother eloped a year after my father refused to go to his wedding because he didn’t extend an invitation to my husband.
Last time people accused my father of bullying and trying to buy spaces at a small wedding because I was upset at my husband and children not making the cut. I refute both of these interpretations.

My brother had wanted a civil wedding followed by a meal at a restaurant owned by a celebrity chef. Well an invitation has arrived now at this restaurant but again for my parents, my two cousins and me. No invitation for my DH. It is an invitation from my SiL’s mother and step-father.

I don’t want a repeat of last year but I am hurt. We have asked my dad not to get involved but my mum has asked if they could pay for 3 extra places but my brother said there was no room around the table.
She asked him if he would be upset if his new wife was excluded from cousin’s forthcoming wedding. He conceded that he would because cousin is inviting partners but He isn’t.

He went on to ask her if she was suggesting that he didn’t invite some of his friends in order to invite my DH. Mum felt that a celebration could include more than one table!
My eldest cousin has said he is going without his wife so there is no drama between them. My cousin who is getting married hasn’t replied. I just don’t know what to do. I am really upset and embarrassed that my DH and my children have been excluded like this.
I thought we had recovered from the engagement/wedding drama but now this.
Brother has said that he will be hurt and embarrassed if my parents don’t go.

OP posts:
Giraffesinscarves · 12/09/2019 12:43

Your DB doesn't like your husband. Blinding obvious when you look at the big picture. He just doesn't want him there at his special moments. Is there some back history between them?

Ticklemeelmo · 12/09/2019 12:49

Has your brother argued with your husband in the past or is there some bad blood between them? It's clear your brother doesn't want him there for some reason- I feel like there is more to this story

Howyiz · 12/09/2019 12:57

For those saying that a wedding is not only about the couple but also the extended family, that is YOUR opinion! Other people have, and are entitled to have, a completely different opinion!
No one should dictate how a couple decide to host their wedding, you might not like their decisions but don't be so ride and obnoxious to think they are doing it 'wrong' just because you would CHOOSE to do it differently.

GotToGoMyOwnWay · 12/09/2019 13:27

But db & sil are rude. Beyond rude.

I invite A, B & C to lunch. D telephones & says I want to come with E but I don’t want B&C there!! How rude.

I suspect it’s all about the brother usually & he’s thrown his toys out of his pram when for once not everyone has jumped to his bidding.

BlockedAndDeleted · 12/09/2019 13:34

I think @Howyiz has nailed it with the golden child/scapegoat toxic family dynamic.

You sound like a enmeshed family.

Hats off to your brother and SIL for starting off for untangling themselves and starting their married life prioritising each other’s needs and not bowing to the emotional manipulation to which you are all subjecting them.

Ayemama · 12/09/2019 14:35

I can see why you are really upset.
If my brother excluded my children and DH from their wedding I would have been very upset and co fused as we are all very close.
And to cause this same situation yet again is ridiculous.
However he is your brother and if you want to keep any kind of relationship with him and his wife then I think you need to be the bigger person here and just go, same for your father.

Although I totally agree that trying to exclude your children from a big family event so that they could announce their engagement seems odd and unexplainable to me, I don't see why they felt it had to be a child free occasion for that.

NewFoneWhoDis · 12/09/2019 14:39

You have two simple choices, go or decline.

Of course this also means that the next time you are hosting a family event you can exclude SIL and only extend the invitation to your brother. And that's exactly what I would do. Hold a trick or treat party? Invite brother only. Christmas /Boxing day at yours? Invite brother only.
That's what I would do.

DecomposingComposers · 12/09/2019 15:01

NewFoneWhoDis

Me too though you can bet your bottom dollar that if OP did that her brother would kick up merry hell.

I've met people like this before. They think that they can do what they like but no one else is allowed to. If it ever happened he would be outraged and insist that different rules apply to him and his wife.

GotToGoMyOwnWay · 12/09/2019 15:26

^ this

NewFoneWhoDis · 12/09/2019 15:47

Oh Decomposing I know!
I have a relative who caused utter wars in her wider family recently because her child was not invited to a child-free wedding yet some years ago for her wedding she had exactly the same rules and told everyone the rule was the rule so suck it up or fuck off and don't come.

SIL in this case seems to be exactly like that.

AskingQuestionsAllTheTime · 12/09/2019 15:53

my dad went to A&E with chest pains as he found it stressful

As a matter of interest, what was actually the matter with him?

My father once went to A&E, in an ambulance and everything, with chest pains. Turned out his hadn't had indigestion at all during the previous thirty years....

He was very cross about the wasted time and how boring it was there.

CSIblonde · 12/09/2019 16:06

Sounds like he's never been interested in or wanted to spend time with partners of his family & that's probably not going to change however upset you get. Not great social etiquette, but, his choice.

TatianaLarina · 12/09/2019 16:55

Anxiety and stress causes chest pains, but if an elderly man gets chest pains he needs to be checked for something more serious.

AskingQuestionsAllTheTime · 12/09/2019 17:49

Yes, obviously; I wanted to know whether there was in fact any reason for the chest pains other than subjective.

bananasandwicheseveryday · 12/09/2019 17:53

l wouldn't go. I think it's the height of bad manners to exclude a family member from a family event. Although I personally don't like excluding children, I can see how, in this case, it might not be suitable for them to attend. But there is no way I would ever exclude my BIL or DH's SIL s from an event and definitely not from one to celebrate a marriage.

Sedlescombe · 12/09/2019 18:13

Ultimately he can invite whoever he wants and you can choose to go or not. Its almost ceased to be about your DH and just two sides getting their way.

How do you get on with your brother? Do you think he has an issue with your husband? Would your DH be upset of you went on your own? Unfortunately not going will have consequences. How much do you want to alienate your brother or do you feel he is snubbing you?

jwpetal · 12/09/2019 18:19

This is terribly sad. I can understand not inviting the children but not DH. You just have to make a decision and there is no winning. Either way someone is being hurt. I can't imagine excluding my BIL or SIL in place of a friend/cousin even if I wasn't close. But this is beside the point. You could go and if anyone asks where your DH just say he wasn't invited and let that thought ride no excuses/explanations. Your DB will probably learn how shit he was down the line. sorry for you and your family.

user1467019428 · 12/09/2019 18:34

I can't believe how many horrible people there are on MN who think it's okay to exclude parents and close family members. Of course it's a personal decision but what a selfish decision. If whoever is hosting the dinner does not have any time to consider his closest family's feelings, he/she deserves for them not to go.

StillCoughingandLaughing · 12/09/2019 18:37

I can't believe how many horrible people there are on MN who think it's okay to exclude parents and close family members.

Refusing to attend your own child’s wedding because you disagree with the guest list is pretty horrible in my eyes.

Lillyringlet · 12/09/2019 18:44

I didn't invite my dad to my wedding. I know we would have been expected to then have my aunt (who is also my dad's now wife) and cousin attending... Despite only having a venue that held 6 guests.

Best man declined to come because he couldn't bring his wife. Again 6 guests in total with one being my 3 month old and the other a photographer. So husband asked someone else.

My dad is still miffed but he's an arse. He would have made drama even if everyone was nice to him and presented him with "world's best father of the bride" trophy.

People make decisions based off budget, venue numbers, or just because of who they want there.

Your brother wanted you, not you and your family. Maybe one last time as the family he grew up with rather than all the new mini families.

Also... If you add one kid or partner... Where does it end?

thecatinthetwat · 12/09/2019 18:45

but my mum has asked if they could pay for 3 extra places

This is more unreasonable than your brother is with his invite choices.

I wouldn't like it either, as it does say what you think its saying. So fair enough, don't go. But you must not in any way let your parents get involved. That is totally out of order.

You must except your brothers invite or not. Do not interfere with his plans.

Howyiz · 12/09/2019 18:46

Grow up @user1467019428! You can't imagine a scenario where there is abuse in families? You can't imagine a scenario where going no or low contact is the only solution? Hmm

StroppyWoman · 12/09/2019 18:52

JWPetal

No one will ask because other partners aren't invited either (see cousin going, cousin's DW not being invited)

DB and SIL want a very small get together at a celebrity chef's restaurant. The sort of place you book 6 months in advance for a table, and they can't just "pop another table on the end". I've been to a (very) few of those and they were amazing. And eye-wateringly expensive. If DB wants his closest friends, his parents, his sister and a cousin he's very close to to celebrate with him, it's ridiculous to expect him to double the size of the party to accomodate everyone's partners when that's not who he cares about.

DH isn't being excluded because he's DH. He's excluded because all the partners (obviously not parents) are excluded. OP is expecting her husband to be the exception.

thecatinthetwat · 12/09/2019 18:53

I suspect it’s all about the brother usually & he’s thrown his toys out of his pram when for once not everyone has jumped to his bidding.

er, it's all about the op surely? The parents missed their sons wedding so that they could make a point about ops husband. Jeez. It's unbelievable. Yet op is here, at it again. This time mum is going to get herself un-invited from the reception.

redappleandaquamarinebow1987 · 12/09/2019 19:25

@Howyiz clearly this is not the case in this scenario though is it. This is DB basically being selfish and not seeing sister's family as family. OP is better off without family like that.

Swipe left for the next trending thread