Brother’s wedding reception

[VitaSackville]

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3671262-Brother-s-Wedding

I don’t know if my first attempt at a link has worked.

Last time I posted some people complained that my post was incomprehensible. I hope that I do better this time.

Essentially my brother eloped a year after my father refused to go to his wedding because he didn’t extend an invitation to my husband.
Last time people accused my father of bullying and trying to buy spaces at a small wedding because I was upset at my husband and children not making the cut. I refute both of these interpretations.

My brother had wanted a civil wedding followed by a meal at a restaurant owned by a celebrity chef. Well an invitation has arrived now at this restaurant but again for my parents, my two cousins and me. No invitation for my DH. It is an invitation from my SiL’s mother and step-father.

I don’t want a repeat of last year but I am hurt. We have asked my dad not to get involved but my mum has asked if they could pay for 3 extra places but my brother said there was no room around the table.
She asked him if he would be upset if his new wife was excluded from cousin’s forthcoming wedding. He conceded that he would because cousin is inviting partners but He isn’t.

He went on to ask her if she was suggesting that he didn’t invite some of his friends in order to invite my DH. Mum felt that a celebration could include more than one table!
My eldest cousin has said he is going without his wife so there is no drama between them. My cousin who is getting married hasn’t replied. I just don’t know what to do. I am really upset and embarrassed that my DH and my children have been excluded like this.
I thought we had recovered from the engagement/wedding drama but now this.
Brother has said that he will be hurt and embarrassed if my parents don’t go.

Some horrible replies on here. OP doesn’t sound spoilt, horrible family dilemma. Personally, I would not go without my uninvited partner. He’s being badly snubbed here. You are close family. Obviously a lot more going on. always

Who the hell invites only one person out of a couple to a wedding?

Since when has that been a "thing" to do???

Good for them they eloped! Big mistake: inviting IP to intimate meal

Sorry OP, your brother seems to be a dick. I get the 'my wedding my rules' part, even though I disagree with it. My own brother would never do this and I would never do this to him, even if I wouldn't like his partner. We're not some exemplary family, but my sibling and I love each other dearly and wouldn't hurt each others feelings like that. But ok, other people may hold different views and that's fair enough.

HOWEVER, what's with the engagement party thing??? Do I understand correctly? He phoned you and asked you not to bring your husband AND kids TO YOUR PARENT'S house where you all been invited by the hosts (your parents!), so the VIP boy could announce his engagement?? Fuck that! I'd come with my kids and my man, and would grab several of my friends' kids along, so they could play a nice little chase around the table during his 'important' speech. And if the big boy doesn't like it, he can fuck right off and engage on the street corner somewhere.

I personally don't get the 'not enough seats at the table'/'celebrity venue' thing (sod the venue, I'd just change it), but I appreciate other people may have very different views. I can understand him not liking his brother in law, maybe something had happened between them OP doesn't even know about. BUT disinviting your sister's kids from someone else's house, so you can make the evening about yourself? That would be the last straw for me and if there isn't some very valid explanation for this, I would cut all ties with this pompous tit.

Get over yourself. If I were your brother, I wouldn’t invite you to anything!

His occasion, his plans.

There is definitely a massive backstory here that either the OP isn't telling or actually doesn't know herself.

Your husband is deliberately being excluded for a reason only your DB and SIL knows. Forget etiquette there is a deeper issue here that I would want to get to the bottom of after the celebrations.

Decline the invite if you are rrally offended. After the meal meet with your DB and talk it out. Don't crank up the drama in the meantime with your family, you don't know what skeletons will come tumbling out so keep the situation calm.

So:
Your brother is having a tiny "do". Fair enough, mine was teeny too.

Your brother has different priorities to you and to your parents regarding who is most important to him, choosing close friends over in-laws. This too is fair enough.

Many people would choose friends over family when it came down to it, definitely over in-laws. At a big wedding, you'd never know where on the list of priorities you came. At a small occasion it can get tricky as it looks rude but the alternative is to leave out people he really likes and wants to celebrate with in favour of the social convention of inviting people that his parents think he should invite.

Either way it is his decision to make and you and your parents shouldn't take it personally.

As others have said, either go or don’t go. However if you do decide to go then you must paint a smile on your face and enjoy the day, it’s not fair on others if you go with a long face. You could always take the bride and groom out for a meal with your husband to celebrate their wedding at a later date.

You could always take the bride and groom out for a meal with your husband to celebrate their wedding at a later date.

Well surely her and her husband should only invite the brother, not the SIL, as she isn't family as they are hosting it would be there choice who to ask?

Op, I wouldn't go. I wouldn't make a drama out of it though, as I said I'd just send a reply card declining the invitation and I would make it clear to my parents that it would be ok if they chose to go. After that I just wouldn't mention it but it would be stored mentally for any future invitations that I might issue.

There are some awful replies from some very nasty sounding people on here op.

Your brother accepted £5k from your Dad towards his wedding costs, then organises a wedding without his only siblings DH and excludes his nephews. How devastating would this have been for you father how insensitive bordering on cruel.

Brother then elopes, proving a point and hurting his parents even more.

They then organise a celebration meal and to rub salt into the very deep wound announce they have picked a small restaurant with a small table and again can’t invite his only siblings family!!! WTAF.

Your brother is being a complete twat, I would suggest being very manipulated by his lovely wife and family. The in-laws are obviously on board with this abhorrent behaviour and they have sent out the invites. I would stay well clear of his family. It is highly insulting to your family not to be invited and I wouldn’t entertain the idea of going, you are condoning the alienation of your family if you do. If your father has donated £5k, don’t tell me they can’t find a restaurant big enough to ‘squeeze’ his only family into, money is clearly not the issue. Your brother and his wife are being completely selfish cherry picking all the quests with no regard for the feelings of their guests, who doesn’t think of their guests whilst hosting a celebration? Self centred, self focused people who are so up their own arse they don’t give a shit about other people’s feelings. God I hope these two are not training to be doctors!

Tell your brother you will always be there for him, when he stops behaving like such a complete dick and riding rough shod over other people’s feelings.

@Giraffesinscarves

Your husband is deliberately being excluded for a reason only your DB and SIL knows. Forget etiquette there is a deeper issue here that I would want to get to the bottom of after the celebrations.

Bloody hell! It amazes me how perceptive some posters are. That would never have occurred to me, but I see now...

Brother didn’t mind DH being at engagement if they were able to secure a baby sitter.
They wouldn’t exclude all in-laws just to stop him going.

scubadive has put it perfectly!

"They wouldn’t exclude all in-laws just to stop him going."

That's what I thought.

It might depend on who was actually excluded though?

Op's husband, a cousin's spouse, who else & who on SIL's side?

Why would I want one of my best mates to miss out because my sister wanted a bloke I only know through her to come?

Surely it's my (and DP) nearest and dearest and the fella who impregnated my sister isn't necessarily going to be either.

I have met my BIL approx 5 times and he lives 300 miles away, but I should invite him over a person who has been in my corner since childhood?

Aye, right.

If numbers were available, of course I'd invite him, but not if they're limited.

Your brother and SIL sound ace. You and yours on the other hand sound similar, but with an added "disgr".

the brother is being a dick

everyone who doesn't agree that the brother is being a dick is a dick

MN in general are dicks about a) weddings and b) families.

any normal person would include their sibling's spouse. There is no acceptable reason under the sun not to, and I've read them all.

So as per my post immediately above yours, I should not invite a close friend because you have a partner I may not particularly like or have anything in common with?

What a load of horseshit.

I'd rather the people important to me and DP be there rather than someone I have nothing in common with other than affection for my sibling.

Sorry-but his (or possibly hers) behaviour is unacceptable. I am sorry for the position this has put you in (&the fact I can't offer a solution) Rock & a hard place REALLY comes to mind. Hope your pain eases.

"I'd rather the people important to me and DP be there rather than someone I have nothing in common with other than affection for my sibling."

Probably depends how you handle it.

My sibling is important enough to me that I wouldn't want to upset them by not inviting their OH & kids to my wedding.

I'd rather change the venue.

My sibling is important enough to me that I wouldn't want to upset them by not inviting their OH & kids to my wedding.

YES! This. My God, it's extraordinary the number of people who simply don't understand it.

Families seem to be very fucked up on MN. People seem to think that as soon as they produce children, their parents, grandparents, siblings, in laws etc are all "other" - not part of their family at all.

I'd rather the people important to me and DP be there rather than someone I have nothing in common with other than affection for my sibling

If my siblings ever expressed such a twattish sentiment about my DH I wouldn't bother with them again.

The OP's brother does not need to have a celebratory dinner at a wanky restaurant that can only accommodate his friends. If that's his choice he should be ready to accept that OP will make hers!

"The OP's brother does not need to have a celebratory dinner at a wanky restaurant that can only accommodate his friends"

Tbh I agree with that-he could have a meal there anytime with just his wife & friends.

I invited relatives that I'm not overly close to and it was lovely to see my parents & all their siblings together.

But we had the venue that we could afford for the amount of people we wanted to invite.

Op's brother (imo) seems hell bent on the venue at all cost.

What the dp has done is not what i would choose but to point out tk those saying about family closeness that he isn't close to his sister (and definitely not to her family, his lack of interest has upset her beforr) plus on a previous thread she made a couple of comments suggesting that pre SIL he was looked down on for not making the choices they (family) would. SIL apparently 'turned him around' but i have to wonder if perhaps she also highlighted that the way the family thought on him was unfair. The comments weren't very complimentary and in fairness to him, pre this, he wasn't being a twat just not as they wanted him to be.

Also they returned the 5k as they felt it came with stipulations so they didn't keep it.

Did you decline OP? i doubt it would affect your relationship either way, your brother doesn't sound too concerned about a relationship and given it's upset you that he has been apathetic to your family in the past, what do you lose from not trying? If he doesn't want a relationship there's no point stressing and forcing one as it will just upset you.

scubadive has put it perfectly!

Actually I think all her points can be very easily flipped on their head.

‘Your brother accepted £5k from your Dad towards his wedding costs, then organises a wedding without his only siblings DH and excludes his nephews. How devastating would this have been for you father how insensitive bordering on cruel.’ = ‘Brother accepts what he thought was a kind donation from his father towards his wedding, only to discover it’s conditional on his approval of the guest list, to the point that his father will threaten not to go if his sister’s wishes aren’t put before his own’.

‘Brother then elopes, proving a point and hurting his parents even more.’ = ‘Brother is very hurt his parents have decided to put his sister first when it’s his actual wedding, so ends up eloping.’

‘They then organise a celebration meal and to rub salt into the very deep wound announce they have picked a small restaurant with a small table and again can’t invite his only siblings family!!!’ = ‘Brother gives his family another chance to be part of the wedding, but refuses to cave on the guest list. Family create high drama around it for a second time!!!’

You can flip it on its head if you like, but i agree with scubadive's interpretation.