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Original poster

Brother’s wedding reception

406 replies

VitaSackville · 11/09/2019 15:25

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3671262-Brother-s-Wedding

I don’t know if my first attempt at a link has worked.

Last time I posted some people complained that my post was incomprehensible. I hope that I do better this time.

Essentially my brother eloped a year after my father refused to go to his wedding because he didn’t extend an invitation to my husband.
Last time people accused my father of bullying and trying to buy spaces at a small wedding because I was upset at my husband and children not making the cut. I refute both of these interpretations.

My brother had wanted a civil wedding followed by a meal at a restaurant owned by a celebrity chef. Well an invitation has arrived now at this restaurant but again for my parents, my two cousins and me. No invitation for my DH. It is an invitation from my SiL’s mother and step-father.

I don’t want a repeat of last year but I am hurt. We have asked my dad not to get involved but my mum has asked if they could pay for 3 extra places but my brother said there was no room around the table.
She asked him if he would be upset if his new wife was excluded from cousin’s forthcoming wedding. He conceded that he would because cousin is inviting partners but He isn’t.

He went on to ask her if she was suggesting that he didn’t invite some of his friends in order to invite my DH. Mum felt that a celebration could include more than one table!
My eldest cousin has said he is going without his wife so there is no drama between them. My cousin who is getting married hasn’t replied. I just don’t know what to do. I am really upset and embarrassed that my DH and my children have been excluded like this.
I thought we had recovered from the engagement/wedding drama but now this.
Brother has said that he will be hurt and embarrassed if my parents don’t go.

OP posts:
Ihatemyseleffordoingthis · 12/09/2019 09:18

@diddl
"Why's it on the op to try to smooth things over? Why is there no expectation on dB to invite bil but expectation on op to attend?"

Well there has been tons of expectation - to the point of cancelling wedding plans and eloping - and family rows - of brother to let the OP get her own way conform with something he just doesn't want to. That route has failed.

It is not "on the OP". She has it in her power to diffuse this. I don't see why you wouldn't if you could. Because it is not such a massive affront that she couldn't get over it for the sake of the greater good. Her DH seems have already, other people have.

It's all seeming like a mad political metaphor for our times

Spingtrolls · 12/09/2019 09:21

I would love to hear this from the other side.
So many threads on mn where the op is told to elope.
And yes the toxic ones always have emergencies.

saraclara · 12/09/2019 09:25

Yep. We all of us sometimes have to suck things up for the greater good.

This is not a toxic family. Brother has made a weird and hurtful decision, but this is not a pattern, and family members, including the new SIL, seem to be good people.

I'd want to get things back on track rather than restart the fury up again.

Spingtrolls · 12/09/2019 09:32

How do you know from two threads that it isn't a toxic family?

Look at the gift situation. Parents hand over cheque, things don't go how they expect and want the cheque back. Aren't gifts like this with strings advised against?

Op has even said herself that some of their mutual friends agree with him. You have to question why

Howyiz · 12/09/2019 09:32

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Spingtrolls · 12/09/2019 09:47

And considering the brother doesn't seem to like children it's no surprise they weren't invited to the announcement or anything else. It's not like the brother phoned and told op only she was invited. For whatever excuses op gave him, he asked if her dh could stay with the dc's. Isn't that a reasonable suggestion? From how it was worded, having the close family together wasn't a regular thing, and would have had to wait for months for them all to be together.

Chillichutney1 · 12/09/2019 09:53

OP your brother is a glutton for punishment. Why is he doing the same thing - excluding a long standing family member - and expecting a different reaction.

I wouldn’t make a drama of this but I certainly wouldn’t go. Also I wouldn’t invite your new SIL to Xmas as the ‘table isn’t big enough’

diddl · 12/09/2019 09:54

"And considering the brother doesn't seem to like children it's no surprise they weren't invited to the announcement or anything else."

No, but he announcement wasn't hosted by him & his wife.

He asked Op not to take her husband & kids to a dinner that her mum had organised & invited them to!

Perhaps that says a lot about Op's brother?

That he just thinks about what he wants & others should go along with it no questions asked?

Did he say in advance that partners/spouses wouldn't be invited or did the invitations just turn up without them on it I wonder?

TatianaLarina · 12/09/2019 09:55

This man is quite exceptionally socially inept.

If the socially inept posters can’t see it - and God knows MN has its fair share of low social skills in line with the rest of the internet - it’s very clear to the majority of posters that this bloke is basically a bit weird.

saraclara · 12/09/2019 09:58

@Spingtrolls the parents didn't ask for the money back. The cheque was sent back to them (by the in-laws, I believe?) out of the blue.

Going by the first thread, there seemed to be no issues within the family, or between the OP and SIL at all up to that point. If the family was generally toxic, I'm sure OP would have made that clear in that VERY long thread.

ElizaDee · 12/09/2019 10:01

My husband wants me to go as they will have a victory after their elopement and then we can get on an even keel again.

What does this mean?

Spingtrolls · 12/09/2019 10:50

Ah I misread about the cheque.

@diddl he asked her first if she could leave the dc's with a babysitter, and when she said she couldn't he asked about her dh. If alternative care could be found, her dh could have gone.

Maybe op has turned down other things because of lack of childcare. The op didn't mention in the other thread that her db doesn't like children. Perhaps the op still does hold onto resentment when he didn't play with her eldest. I think it's more about her dc's not invited.

Yes, they didn't host but it comes across as the family dinners don't happen often. The alternatives would have been wait months or piss someone off because someone else heard first.

And yes the victory remark is very odd.

MarieIVanArkleStinks · 12/09/2019 10:51

I read the first thread. At that time, your father way outdid the behaviour of your brother and SiL. His 'strings attached' gift, throwing his rattle away when he didn't get things exactly his way and ultimately forcing BiL's and SiL's hand to an elopement, made my sympathies fall firmly with them. I'd also have run far and fast in the opposite direction, rather than deal with in-laws like these.

Had the newlyweds simply refused to be dictated to and retreated with dignity, most bystanders would probably side with them. But still labouring the same tired point after a whole year is something else. Their high-handed way of commandeering your MiL's dinner for their announcement, her mother returning your father's cheque, and now a repetition of the invitation scenario that caused all the trouble in the first place, shows them to be hellbent on the grand gesture. Either that, or (as I suspect) the whole family thrives on this kind of silly drama. And using terms like 'victory' in an immature collision of wills only cements this impression. How old are you people?

You have the choice to tactically withdraw from all this BS. Indeed, the only way to 'win' a game like this, if you're determined on the combative rhetoric, is to refuse to play. Decline the invitation without fanfare or explanation, stop kicking up a storm and involving your parents, and let them all get on with it.

The whole lot of you (including SiL's mother) are as bad as each other. It would take only one of you to break the deadlock and start behaving like an adult here, in order to take the heat out of this whole situation. My suspicion is that none of you wants to.

diddl · 12/09/2019 11:00

"If alternative care could be found, her dh could have gone."

Yes, sorry I was wrong on that.
But my point was that it was a family dinner organised by someone else.

It wasn't up to him to start asking people not to take their children who had already been invited by the actual host!

diddl · 12/09/2019 11:02

" The alternatives would have been wait months or piss someone off"

They could have hosted their own dinner, announced at the dinner that was already happening, or just popped to see people & told them.

ChuckleBuckles · 12/09/2019 11:09

My husband wants me to go as they will have a victory after their elopement and then we can get on an even keel again.

What does this mean?

That this is a family of point scorers and "right fighters" that will argue, huff and attempt to manipulate to the bitter end and do not care about the damage to relationships as long as everyone knows that they are "right". Like I commented previously, toxic. I also suspect they enjoy the high drama of it all.

SVRT19674 · 12/09/2019 11:21

Actually OP, I wouldn't go. When your brother issues that kind of invitation he is aware, I'm sure, that it may be declined. Wish them well, you'll see them later on.

StillCoughingandLaughing · 12/09/2019 11:25

I can’t believe that my mutual friend’s partner is going because he happens to be a friend of brother.

But why can’t you believe this? You’ve answered why he’s going yourself in the very same sentence. ‘Friend of groom attends wedding celebration’ - it’s hardly Hold the Front Page stuff, is it?

Your father was very manipulative in refusing to attend the wedding, and his tactic didn’t even work. In fact, no one got what they wanted - your brother didn’t have the wedding he wanted and ended up eloping instead, and you and your father didn’t get to dictate the guest list. Now you have the chance to accept that, whether you like it or not, the couple getting married decide who gets an invite and get on with it.

Whilst I personally would not exclude family spouses when getting married, your brother and his wife made the choice to keep it small by excluding ALL spouses - no one was singled out. You have decided you are special and should be an exception. I feel sorry for your brother, who was essentially told that, on his own wedding day, his sister’s feelings were more important than his wishes.

StillCoughingandLaughing · 12/09/2019 11:31

OP your brother is a glutton for punishment. Why is he doing the same thing - excluding a long standing family member - and expecting a different reaction.

But is he expecting a different reaction? I’d wager that he’s expecting EXACTLY the same reaction. He’s making a point - he was prepared to elope rather than have his family dictate to him, and isn’t backing down now. He’s giving the OP and their father the chance to celebrate the wedding but, at the same time, is telling them that he won’t be told who to invite.

NorthEndGal · 12/09/2019 11:38

Go, and then let it go
There is no need to tie yourself up in knots over this

StroppyWoman · 12/09/2019 11:47

The poor sods. First their initial wedding plans got knocked so far out of kilter they eloped. Now, trying to have a celebratory meal at a celebrity chef restaurant with their nearest and dearest becomes a reinactment of the drama because no one has accepted DB and SIL's choice of how they celebrate.

Your DB doesn't regard relatives-by-marriage as family. That's ok, that's allowed. Your DH is wonderul to you but clearly not to others - especially as mutual friends of you and DB don't think DB is out of line.

I think that says a lot.

Put your big girl pants on, go for a lovely meal and stop making a fuss.

redappleandaquamarinebow1987 · 12/09/2019 11:58

@StroppyWoman most people would consider direct inlaws as family so he was very rude why is it up to OP to appease her brother. I would decline and in future go no or low contact with DB if he did that

redappleandaquamarinebow1987 · 12/09/2019 12:07

I really don't get bride and groomzillas like DB and SiL. A wedding is not just about the couple but about the community and family. What they did is absolutely rude. Both me and DP put the guests first in any decision that we made. We went with the second choice venue as it meant easier commute, I got a date that is a few days off my ideal date as we realized a mid week wedding is unfair on guests. I really hate this new me me me my day my way attitude that is getting more and more common

toomuchtooold · 12/09/2019 12:08

We did that at our wedding - like your DB's it was a very small one, and we didn't invite my two BIL's partners because I didn't know them very well. In a bigger wedding it would have been fine but there were only 8 of us, and having these two women that I'd only met once each, would have changed the vibe quite a lot. I didn't think anyone else in the family would care, seeing as it was me getting married and not them. DH's older brother didn't come, which was fine, and took the hump at me, which is actually also fine. Like your DB, we were both in early career stages and didn't have a lot of money or time to plan our wedding and just wanted a nice day with our closest family.

If you want to go, go. If you don't, don't. If you really love your SIL and your brother as much as you say you do, it might be worth trying to accept that they have different ideas about how to do these family events. I mean you don't have to like it. But if you want to have a relationship with them. Acknowledge your disappointment head on, so that you don't get freshly disappointed every time they act differently to how you think they should.

EnriqueTheRingBearingLizard · 12/09/2019 12:30

OP in your mind sort out these mistakes.
Be accepting of your DB and SIL’s choices, even though you don’t like them.
Stop trying to ‘come to terms’ with DB’s behaviour. We can’t always approve or be in sync with everyone, even when we’re related. Their behaviour towards you is thoughtless and uncaring, but it is what it is and seems unlikely to change.

Personally I think a celebration involves guests having a good time and at this type of event I’d want to choose and arrange it to include established couples. Not hosting their childrenthough seems fair enough.

As an invitee either go with good grace, or if you don’t want to go just rsvp without any fuss. I certainly wouldn’t comment or get involved between DPs and DB.

You’re entitled to feel snubbed, but it will be much better for you to dial down any drama regardless of how others’ choices affect you.