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Original poster

Brother’s wedding reception

406 replies

VitaSackville · 11/09/2019 15:25

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3671262-Brother-s-Wedding

I don’t know if my first attempt at a link has worked.

Last time I posted some people complained that my post was incomprehensible. I hope that I do better this time.

Essentially my brother eloped a year after my father refused to go to his wedding because he didn’t extend an invitation to my husband.
Last time people accused my father of bullying and trying to buy spaces at a small wedding because I was upset at my husband and children not making the cut. I refute both of these interpretations.

My brother had wanted a civil wedding followed by a meal at a restaurant owned by a celebrity chef. Well an invitation has arrived now at this restaurant but again for my parents, my two cousins and me. No invitation for my DH. It is an invitation from my SiL’s mother and step-father.

I don’t want a repeat of last year but I am hurt. We have asked my dad not to get involved but my mum has asked if they could pay for 3 extra places but my brother said there was no room around the table.
She asked him if he would be upset if his new wife was excluded from cousin’s forthcoming wedding. He conceded that he would because cousin is inviting partners but He isn’t.

He went on to ask her if she was suggesting that he didn’t invite some of his friends in order to invite my DH. Mum felt that a celebration could include more than one table!
My eldest cousin has said he is going without his wife so there is no drama between them. My cousin who is getting married hasn’t replied. I just don’t know what to do. I am really upset and embarrassed that my DH and my children have been excluded like this.
I thought we had recovered from the engagement/wedding drama but now this.
Brother has said that he will be hurt and embarrassed if my parents don’t go.

OP posts:
diddl · 12/09/2019 07:45

"nonetheless the only reasonable way forward is to accept and attend."

Why is it?

He was happy enough to marry without Op there-why would it matter to him if she's at a meal some time later?

screamer1 · 12/09/2019 07:50

Think your brother is being a dick but would go and try and forget about it. Family fall outs are not fun.

katewhinesalot · 12/09/2019 07:51

I can understand the not inviting children. Who wants children at a posh dinner? But yes, I see why you are upset at dh not being invited.

Persuade your dad to go but decline for you and dh. Avoid drama.

stucknoue · 12/09/2019 07:55

Is it really about the kids? Quite reasonable not to invite them but it does sound like he dislikes your dh

Mykidsweird · 12/09/2019 07:58

I don’t get why people on mn always defend those who are really anti-inclusive!
It’s awful and ridiculous that your DH isn’t invited - anyone who thinks otherwise is selfish and narrow minded - a wedding should be about bringing families together and looking towards the future - it sounds awful, very sorry for you , DH and parents OP

DecomposingComposers · 12/09/2019 07:59

Ariadne read the OP,

He went on to ask her if she was suggesting that he didn’t invite some of his friends in order to invite my DH.

Yes, op, plus 2 parents and 2 cousins is 5 but they aren't the only people going are they? There's at least the B&G, the bride's mum and step dad plus the friends that are referred to in the op.

There are more than 5 people going to the meal.

brassbrass · 12/09/2019 08:00

Your entire family sounds highly strung, dramatic and quite frankly a bit batshit!

So much drama. Just don't go, or go without DH. It isn't like they've failed to.invite your conjoined twin

Go or don't go but don't drag your parents into it. They should still support his event. You come across as a monumental shit stirrer.

cccameron · 12/09/2019 08:01

I absolutely can't bear people that won't go anywhere without their partners or children.
Alot of us have 'wonderful' DPs. It certainly doesn't mean we can't enjoy a meal with our brothers / sisters / friends etc without them. It's a couple of hours in a restaurant. So pathetic.

DecomposingComposers · 12/09/2019 08:04

You come across as a monumental shit stirrer.

Was the op a shit stirrer when he brother phoned her and asked her husband and children not to attend a family meal at their parents house, that DH and DC were invited to by said parents, because he wanted to announce his engagement? Who disinvites people from someone else's home?

If anyone is a shit stirrer it's the db

IsItThough · 12/09/2019 08:05

@diddl because not going will create more bad feeling. Just because her brother has behaved very unconventionally, she doesn’t need to behave badly. Also allows her parents not to have to pick sides between their children.

brassbrass · 12/09/2019 08:09

They are all drama llamas but OP could detach. Instead she's whining to the parents and canvassing the cousins opinions. All unnecessary twattery.

DecomposingComposers · 12/09/2019 08:09

I absolutely can't bear people that won't go anywhere without their partners or children.
Alot of us have 'wonderful' DPs. It certainly doesn't mean we can't enjoy a meal with our brothers / sisters / friends etc without them. It's a couple of hours in a restaurant. So pathetic.

Surely it's not that op can't go for a meal without her husband is it? I'm quite sure she's able to go out places without him. It's what this meal is and what the lack of invite symbolises that's the issue.

If it were a group of ops friends or, as someone said earlier a hen party, then obviously no one would expect husband's to be invited. But an event like this most normal people would expect partners to be invited. It's the snub that is the problem. Not the going out without the husband.

Would you honestly not raise an eyebrow if your spouse's sibling was getting married and didn't invite you? It's that that's causing the hurt.

DecomposingComposers · 12/09/2019 08:12

because not going will create more bad feeling.

That's on the brother.

Why's it on the op to try to smooth things over? Why is there no expectation on dB to invite bil but expectation on op to attend?

If she doesn't want to go she doesn't have to go and brother will have no right to be upset about it because he doesn't think that anyone has a right to be upset about what he does.

HypatiaCade · 12/09/2019 08:13

Oh my goodness, such a lot of drama. Here's a hypothetical, if you and your 'wonderful' husband broke up, would he stay in contact with your brother? My guess is a very strong 'NO'!

The people who are invited are invited solely because of their own personal relationship with your brother, not because of the relationship via another party. That relationship will (more than likely) survive the other relationships breaking up etc.

It's not great, but neither is it the end of the world.

Go, congratulate your brother, enjoy the party for what it is, and move on.

Unknownanon · 12/09/2019 08:20

Would you honestly not raise an eyebrow if your spouse's sibling was getting married and didn't invite you? It's that that's causing the hurt.

In this case they are already married, the bride and groom eloped rather then keep pushing for the wedding they want without spouses. I suspect this is them making a point of having the celebration the way they want, even if it's not what they want. Leaving it up to OPs family to see if they'll respect what they (bg) want this time. The brother seemed to want to forget about the drama last time but maybe this is testing the waters?

They've been very adamant about the OPs husband though so i am wondering if he's disliked and she just doesnt know/accept?

Whatever you choose don't discuss with your family what to do in advance. Make your own choice and let them make there's. There was a lot of discussing behind family lines before which spurred the parents on to push. Better to make your decisions your own.

MrsCollinssettled · 12/09/2019 08:20

Decomposing the db asking dh and dcs not to attend the announcement of the engagement is very odd. Surely it was meant to be a surprise - who has a meal to announce something that everyone already knows about? It does sound as if the dh makes every occasion about him which would be why he wasn't welcome.

TheCraicDealer · 12/09/2019 08:34

DBro wasn't hosting that meal though- it was at their parents house with both DC and their parents and the grandchildren invited by them. I think trying to uninvite your BIL and your DSis's two kids from a planned event at your parents' house so you can use it to announce your engagement is the very definition of "making things about him".

NoLeopard · 12/09/2019 08:36

Your db (and sil possibly) have an odd view of 'family'. Your db thinks family is only people he is related to by blood. Maybe he will change those views as he matures with his own wife and children.

How many other close ils are we talking about? The bride's ils I assume are also not invited. Unless the cousins are particularly close I would have thought ditching those in favour of a sister's husband would have been more 'normal' if not diplomatic.

I wouldn't go. And as for people suggesting going and smiling etc won't this just confirm to db that his way is the right way? Cue future events eg christenings, big birthdays, where only blood relations are invited?

I feel sorry for your parents being put in an awkward position again.

DecomposingComposers · 12/09/2019 08:37

TheCraicDealer

I completely agree with you.

saraclara · 12/09/2019 08:44

Would you honestly not raise an eyebrow if your spouse's sibling was getting married and didn't invite you? It's that that's causing the hurt.

The eyebrow raising (and more) happened on the other thread. Of course it's weird and hurtful. But many of us who are telling the OP to just get over it on this occasion and either go or don't, are saying that because this whole thing has gone on and on. Nothing's going to change and what happened over the actual wedding clearly only made things worse.

She's absolutely entitled to stay home. My concern is that the decision leads to her dad going off on one again. And that's in no-ones interests. Especially since OP herself says that her new SIL is lovely and has transformed her brothers life. Some things just aren't worth a lifetime family rift.

diddl · 12/09/2019 08:48

" My concern is that the decision leads to her dad going off on one again."

That would be entirely up to him & not Op.

The brother isn't concerned to "keep the peace" is he?

I don't understand why he eloped tbh.

Why not keep the wedding guest list as wanted & let his dad decline or accept as he wanted to?

Aderyn19 · 12/09/2019 08:49

I suspect that if db and sil have children, they will turn into the sort of parents who expect their dc to be the centre of everything and won't countenance them not being invited to any event.
I think it's awful that db has shown little interest in his sister's children. It doesn't matter whether he likes kids much - out of love for his sibling, he ought to have made a genuine effort to get to know and like them. Or faked it if necessary out of consideration for his sister. That he CBA says a lot about him!

Dillydallyingthrough · 12/09/2019 08:55

Go or decline it's really simple, there's no need for the drama. Your parents can do the same thing- you don't have to do the same as each other.

Also your update about your DF going to hospital as he found it stressful- that's not going to sway people to think who your DF should be invited should (otherwise he will get chest pains). Your DF (fuelled by you by your OTT language In your posts) is causing stress for himself.

I don't understand the issue, your DB has excluded ALL in-laws not just your DH. So there's no need for you to be so offended. And regarding the DC, it would be a complete waste of money at an expensive restaurant (assuming they are young).

ChuckleBuckles · 12/09/2019 08:58

my dad went to A&E with chest pains as he found it stressful

Don't the good people of MN warn about "medical emergencies" when a person tries to enforce boundaries with a toxic family member?

From your last thread on this OP, you never explained this "Most friends agree with me but a couple who significantly know my brother as well don’t" why do the non related people who know you both, who know your family not feel that your DB has done something wrong? What dynamic is at play that they can see but you cannot as you are in the middle of it?

NotJust3SmallWords · 12/09/2019 09:09

Maybe your brother has, in my opinion, a strange view of family. I'm very close to my family though, perhaps your brother doesn't feel the same way. I think that when someone gets married they officially become family (I also have plenty of unofficial family members, long-term partners etc who I wouldn't dream of excluding).

[I do think that deliberately uninviting you DH and DC from his engagement announcement (from the previous thread) is just weird though and suggests something a bit deeper than there just not being enough spaces at the table.]

I know that not everyone agrees with this, and that's fine, everyone's entitled to their own view, but I don't think a wedding (and this counts as a wedding IMO, certainly a wedding celebration) is just about the couple, it's about your family and friends as well. DH and I thought about having an intimate meal for our wedding, 12 to 15 people. However we worked out that this would have involved excluding too many people who I deeply care about and who would have been very hurt, and strangely enough I'm not going to deliberately do something to hurt people that I love!

If the reason for excluding certain people was financial then that's understandable, but here it's clearly not. If it's about space then they could have their meal somewhere else and gone to Le Manoir or wherever it is another time. I know it's his wedding so his choice, but if he wanted to there's nothing stopping him booking a restaurant with a bigger table! Your DB has made the choice that eating in this particular posh restaurant is the priority for him (apparently over causing great upset to his entire family). He's entitled to make that choice but I don't think I'd be happy about it either if that was my DB and that was what he was telling me about his priorities!

OP, if I was in your shoes I think I would probably still go and be gracious and friendly on the day, to try and keep that relationship with my DB, but I'd definitely be upset at the whole thing, I don't think you're being unreasonable to be.

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