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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to attend my daughter's grandfather's funeral?

99 replies

Rainbowsandpotsofgold · 11/09/2019 08:51

Hi. I'm a first time poster long time lurker please be kind.....
I had my daughter at 16, didn't have a very good relationship with her dad and we split up quite quickly after.
17 years later , I'm in another relationship and very happy. My daughter's grandfather passed away after a quick illness a few days ago and I would like to go to the funeral out of respect for him and as support for my daughter.
My partner thinks it's completely out of order for me to go as my ex will be there (haven't spoken to him in maybe 10 years, always dealt with his parents) and my daughter has other family there to support her. Am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:

Finfintytint · 11/09/2019 08:55

Unless it’s a private ceremony of course you can go.

WhatsMyPassword · 11/09/2019 08:56

And this is your partners business how?

My partner thinks it's completely out of order for me to go as my ex will be there

Is your partner that insecure that he thinks your ex is going to throw you over the coffin and give you the best shag of your life, infront of all the other mourners?

Christ. Get rid of him and get a bloke who doesnt have so many hang ups.

BarbariansMum · 11/09/2019 08:57

I think so. Why make your ex uncomfortable on a day he's mourning his grandfather whom I assume you barely knew?

BarbariansMum · 11/09/2019 08:58

Or to look at it another way, how would you feel if your ex turned up at your grandfather's funeral to support your dd?

june2007 · 11/09/2019 08:59

If you knew the man then go if you dind't then perhaps not unless daughter wants you to go.

Hadalifeonce · 11/09/2019 09:00

It sounds like you have continued some kind of relationship with your daughter's GPs, having dealt with them rather than you ExP.

I would go out of respect to the GF, nothing to do with your Ex or current partners.

IsobelRae23 · 11/09/2019 09:00

I started going out with my ex at 15, had our son at 19 and split soon after. We are almost 40 now, and have attended all funerals that have happened in each other’s families.

InsertFunnyUsername · 11/09/2019 09:01

It's none of your partners business, so I wouldn't put off going because of him.

But how would your Ex feel? Will it make him uncomfortable, or any of his family? That is what I would want to avoid. I would ask the family and take it from there.

Shagged · 11/09/2019 09:01

Did you have much face to face contact with the deceased?

If you feel you knew him and had a good relationship with him and his wife and she will be happy to see you at the funeral then go

If your presence is likely to make his widow uncomfortable then I would stay away

IsobelRae23 · 11/09/2019 09:01

When I had my grandmothers funeral when I was 30, I had my partner on my one side and my ex on my other.

Dulra · 11/09/2019 09:04

It is your daughter's grandfather...funerals are for the living not the dead go and support your daughter on this sad day for her. Your partner is way out of order.

Icantthinkofanynewnames · 11/09/2019 09:06

If you have a bad relationship with your daughters dad then I agree that it would be really awful if you go. It's not your place to turn up at your ex's father's funeral. I'd be absolutely livid if my ex did this.

ConfusedKoala · 11/09/2019 09:06

I assume that it's your ex's father? I personally think it would be nice to go out of respect if you've dealt with the GF instead of your ex all these years. I would attend my DD's grandfathers funeral. YANBU

My ex (DD's dad) came to my DS's christening (not his child) and i thought that was a lovely gesture

Icantthinkofanynewnames · 11/09/2019 09:07

If your ex would be fine about it then yes, go, but it is your ex and the family of the deceased who you need to be considering. If you attendance would upset any of them then stay away.

SleepyKat · 11/09/2019 09:07

How will your ex feel? How would you feel if your ex turned up at your dads for funeral? Can’t your dd’s Dad support her?

misspiggy19 · 11/09/2019 09:08

**I think so. Why make your ex uncomfortable on a day he's mourning his grandfather whom I assume you barely knew?

Or to look at it another way, how would you feel if your ex turned up at your grandfather's funeral to support your dd?**

^I agree with the above. I wouldn’t go unless you have a good relationship with your ex.

boptist · 11/09/2019 09:09

It’s her ex’s father

FireBloodAndIce · 11/09/2019 09:09

None of your partner's business and a red flag that he's concerned about an ex from 17 years ago. However, if you and ex have a bad relationship then ywbu as it's his dad's funeral and he won't need extra stress on that day.

What does your dd want?

Gazelda · 11/09/2019 09:10

I'd contact your DD's GM and ask if she would mind if you came to pay your respects to her husband and to support your DD.

She may feel it would be too awkward, she may feel as though her DS will be capable of supporting his DD. She will doubtless feel comforted that you have such fondness for her husband and consideration for her own feelings.

GruciusMalfoy · 11/09/2019 09:12

If your daughter wants you there, and your ex would be comfortable, then I'd go. It's none of your partner's business, he sounds very insecure.

Aroundtheworldin80moves · 11/09/2019 09:17

Does your daughter want you there? Her feelings would be the most important to me.

BarbariansMum · 11/09/2019 09:20

Not sure that a grand daughter's feelings, though important, are the most important on this occasion.

LaMarschallin · 11/09/2019 09:22

When my daughters' paternal grandmother died I wrote to their grandfather expressing my sympathy and mentioning a couple of happy memories of her.
I didn't expect anything back - divorced from their son - but my daughters loved her and she'd been a lovely gm. It seemed the right thing to do, despite the fact I thought I'd be ignored.

I was very pleasantly surprised that he replied, inviting me to the funeral.
I went and he'd even mentioned one of the stories about her that I mentioned in the eulogy.

Obviously I didn't go to the social occasion afterwards as that might have made people feel awkward, but everybody at the church was lovely. I know my daughters appreciated it and have mentioned since how many of the family thought it was a good thing to do.

The only one who obviously wasn't pleased was ex-husband.

LaMarschallin · 11/09/2019 09:24

Forgot to say that my partner was completely supportive of whatever was best for me and my daughters and came with me (also invited).

Lucyccfc68 · 11/09/2019 09:24

Does your DP like to try and control other aspects of your life? It's not his business.

My DS's grandad is not well and is not expected to be around much longer. I have been separated from DS's father for 12 years and I will definitely attend the funeral.

Firstly out of respect for DS's Grandad, but also to support DS. I'd even support ex-DH on the day if he needed it (even though he can be an arse at times)

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