AIBU to attend my daughter's grandfather's funeral?

[Rainbowsandpotsofgold]

Hi. I'm a first time poster long time lurker please be kind.....
I had my daughter at 16, didn't have a very good relationship with her dad and we split up quite quickly after.
17 years later , I'm in another relationship and very happy. My daughter's grandfather passed away after a quick illness a few days ago and I would like to go to the funeral out of respect for him and as support for my daughter.
My partner thinks it's completely out of order for me to go as my ex will be there (haven't spoken to him in maybe 10 years, always dealt with his parents) and my daughter has other family there to support her. Am I being unreasonable?

You shouldn't go without contacting your ex to check how he feels about it first. It will be a much harder day for him than for your daughter.

I'm not reading it as the Op,partner being concerned because op,s ex is there more that op,s partner might not want it to cause an awkward situation , ? Op if you haven't spoke to your ex in the years do you think it will be awkward? funerals are emotional times .

As you had a continuing relationship with him I would go. And, your daughter will need you. You can always leave the wake early if she is comfortable staying on her own.

At my GF funeral my mum didn’t come she respectfully sent her condolences to my GM & extended family, but she didn’t attend the funeral - there was enough family around to support me & my sisters. My Dad wouldn’t have been comfortable with her attending on a already stressful day for him.

If he & your daughter are happy for you to attend then go but on a very emotional day your feelings don’t count - I don’t mean that horribly.

Was he a good Grandfather to your daughter? Did he care anout her? Did she care about him? Did you care about him?

If yes to all then of course you can go. Your ex probably will appreciate it if he's got any decency about him.

Your new partner sounds a bit controlling... what is he worried about?

Thanks everyone for your input.

unfortunately it is insecurity driving my DP's opinion and nothin else.

I'll speak to my DD and her dad and see what their opinions are

thanks

Funerals are public events so of course you can go.

However, if you feel your presence could upset other mourners, then think twice.

However, I always think that adults should be able to put aside personal differences and behave at a funeral. It's an hour (at most) of your life for goodness sake - it must be possible to be polite to people you don't like. Of course this doesn't apply if someone has been abusive but there's no suggestion of that here.

Definitely be there for your daughter if that's what she would like. Checking with both she and her Dad as you suggest is best way forward

Unless your ex really hates you for some reason, which doesn't sound like it's the case, why on earth would he be offended by you coming to his father's funeral? Your DP is being ridiculous.

I would put it to your DD.
She may want you there.
My x mil passed a couple of years ago but I decided not to go but mainly couldn't cope with some of the hypocritical family who didn`t really bother with her unless they wanted something.
Do I feel bad NO.

Weird that people are suggesting you don't go as it's not your place?? Must be a cultural thing - but in Ireland you would be almost expected to attend - I go to a lot of funerals to show my respect - even of people quite distant to me - my friends partners Dad for example was one recently - never even met the man before !

I'd think it strange if you didn't go tbh!

On another note - your current partner is acting crazy jealous not wanting you to attend

@uokhun25

I feel the same about funerals tbh. I've been to a few where I haven't known the deceased but wanted to show support for a friend etc.

I'm also not one to hold grudges against ex's (I think it's a family thing unless you're my mum and dad 🙈) I try to stay on civil terms and even work for an ex (far too good of a job to leave)

You should go and I would take your partner with you. It’s respect for your daughters grandparents and nothing else.

I think the important question here is how will it make your ex feel if you show up? It's his father's funeral and honestly, having buried my own father last year I can tell you that I would have been even more distraught if my ex-h had showed up (we didn't have children together so different to your situation somewhat). If you still have a contentious relationship with your ex then perhaps don't make his day even worse and just send a card and flowers.

If you really want to attend at least put feelers out to find out how he would feel about it.

I think speak to your daughter, see what she thinks/wants (and tell your partner to grow up!). I went to the funeral of my husband's ex wife's mother. I know her and her family and have an on off relationship with them. I went 90% to show support for my stepson, but the family don't know that and thanked us for coming..

@wehttam
I asked him to come with me last night and this thread is what came of our arguement discussion

My Dad and DH did this to me.

When my GM died (Fathers mother) My Dad refused to go as my Father would be there. My Dh sided with my Dad and refused to go. Neither of them had ever really met the man and both had a long relationship with my GM

I was so bloody hurt they put their insecure feelings before me.

In the end I went with my Mum, it was her exMIL

unfortunately it is insecurity driving my DP's opinion and nothin else.

If he seriously thinks that you and ex would shag during his fathers funeral I'd seriously rethink tge relationship...

My dad and stepmum came to my mums funeral despite an acrimonious divorce, fighting etc.

They came to support me and my DC. I appreciated it immensely. My stepdad, despite all the arguments over the years appreciated it and thanked them for coming.

If your daughter would like you to go then go.

Do check with the family of the deceased first, they may have a view on your attendance.

I went to my DH’s ex’s DF’s funeral, after it was made very clear I would be welcome. They were lovely in-laws, according to DH, and are lovely people to have in our circle, even if it’s an unusual relationship.
I would never have questioned DH going, even if I hadn’t.

I'll speak to my DD and her dad and see what their opinions are this is the best course of action OP.

If you just turn up you WILL be noticed. It might not be possible to 'slip out of a side door' (where does this idea come from that everywhere has secret exits for cloak and dagger mysterious exits?)

I do find it odd that you invited your DP to your ex's granddad's funeral. You should be going to support DD and pay respects, why do you need to cling to your DP?

I would like to go to the funeral out of respect for him and as support for my daughter.

If you genuinely, honestly, feel your daughter cannot do without you personally there, as support that she won't get from her dad and his family, then go but be very discreet about it.

But don't try and pretend that it's all about "paying respect" to a dead man who you knew briefly almost 20 years ago and haven't seen since. That's not a reason to invite yourself.

@RavenLG

There is an actual side door that's used to ease congestion when the family do their thing at the end so no cloak and dagger or mystery

I asked him to come as i knew his insecurities would be an issue if I didn't. I don't/ didn't expect him to come but I don't hide anythin from him and ask him to come to most occasions (wrong way to describe a funeral I know ) unless it's girls only

@BuzzShitbagBobbly

where did I say I briefly knew him? I knew him quite well thank you and as a man who helped turn my daughter into the young woman she is today. why wouldn't I want to and be entitled to pay my respects to him for this?